Articles tagged with: Heather Mills
Much can be said about Heather Mills. Much has been said about Heather Mills. It's safe to say that we aren't the only ones who have said things about Heather Mills. So we did kind of expect her to fight back in some way, what with her being a bit "interesting" in the head. What we didn't expect was that she'd wish cancer on anyone who had ever wronged her, tumours on those who had slighted her and death to those who gave her funny looks. Sure, she denied she'd actually said that, but we happen to trust The Observer over Bionic Commandette.
It’s happened before and it will happen again – stories that are simply too good, that write themselves and just don’t need any additional comment to make them funny. Obviously that won’t stop us from commenting on them, as we’re nice like that. This week came the particularly special news that ex-Beatle-ex and hecklerspray mainstay Heather Mills was asked to appear in the Capcom game Bionic Commando.
For as long as mankind has had any level of self-awareness, we've all enjoyed watching one-legged middle aged women flip, twirl, and rhythmically pounce all about. That's why even if it had aired ten thousand years ago, that Dancing With The Stars season wherein Heather Mills was featured would have scored real high in the Nielsen ratings. Think of the advertising rates cavemen would have been willing to pay! Donald Trump, at least momentarily, thought it would be a pretty good idea to have Mills sitting in his Celebrity Apprentice boardroom. We don't blame him - she'd scuff the carpet 50% less than anyone else, vastly elongating the life of whatever carpet is involved. That's why Trump's a millionaire - he thinks about the little things like that. Ends up though that Mills isn't welcome on that show. According to rumour, she demanded a contractual stipulation that said if she appeared on the show, she'd be guaranteed a spot in the finale.
You know when you fill out a job application and you have to answer questions like: 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?'; 'Would you be willing to submit to random drug testing?'; and 'Would you be willing to feign attraction to a volatile, squeaky-voiced woman with three remaining limbs who will likely take her drawers off to get you not to eat meat?'
No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.
Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.
It's difficult to imagine what sort of corporate environment Heather Mills would flourish within - Widely Despised Monoped GoldDiggers Inc, perhaps, or Beatle Fleecers PLC.
That hasn't stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from name-dropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however.
After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run... and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.
It’s fair to say that John Lennon was a bit of a musical genius. He and Paul McCartney momentarily stopped nicking cars and Hobnobs from the corner shop to write a whole load of pop tunes. These songs captivated a city, a country and later the whole world.
However, every successful star has a downfall, and he had a couple. But unlike today’s woozy musicians, like the moon crater face bloke from Keane, the copious amounts of drugs he took didn’t knacker him up. Instead, it was a stumpy Japanese woman called Yoko Ono.
We'd have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling - and not just so we could puke on everyone's food and make them ill.
No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.
Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.
Heather Mills looks for three things in a man - 1) considerable age, 2) incredible wealth and 3) a haircut so bad that it makes children cry.
With this in mind, you'd expect that Donald Trump would be locked away in his panic room at the moment until the threat subsides, but that's not how Donald Trump rolls at all.
Donald Trump believes in looking fear in the eye, which is why - rather than hiding from Heather Mills, he's invited her to become a judge in his Miss USA pageant. Miss USA, of course, is the beauty pageant that keeps getting brought into disrepute thanks to all those naked pictures from the contestants' past. That's got nothing to do with Heather Mills. We just happened to mention it. Ahem.
