Heather Mills - HecklerSpray

6 Simple Steps to Break Up With Your Celebrity Girlfriend

September 20th, 2012 By Chris Starr

We’ve all been there. You’re hanging out the back of your super-hot celebrity girlfriend when suddenly you think “I’m not emotionally fulfilled here.” Forget the perfect face, the bounteous lips and the banging set of boobs that don’t come out on celluloid except for a $20 million fee. Dammit, you’re more than a robot, and you have feelings, and this woman doesn’t support your desire to create an animatronic version of Led Zeppelin!

You know what you have to do, don’t you? You’ve got to man up and end that relationship. Sure – you’ll feel bad. But don’t. Because it’s the circle of life. And it moves us all: through despair and hope, through faith and love. ‘Til we find our place on the path unwinding. It’s the circle. The circle of life.

Paul McCartney To Do ‘Standards’ Album Because He’s Officially Out Of Good Ideas

December 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Paul McCartney is bringing a new album out. There’s a phrase that hasn’t caused too much excitement since Wings were knee-high to a grasshopper. Unless, of course, you’re a bloated Beatle fanatic who is unable to hear any criticism against any of the Fabs. Ever.

Unless it’s Ringo.

The fact remains, Macca is going to stick a new LP out on 7th February and he’s doing a whole bunch of cover versions because, sadly for him, he’s run out of ideas. The last vague hit he had was ‘Dance Tonight’ and that was thoroughly poo.

Stella Says Perfume Is Inspired By Linda McCartney Prompting Cruel Jokefest!

December 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The McCartney family have done alright for themselves haven’t they? Weird that those related to a Beatle should make it completely off their own bat, eh? No help from famous papa there at all! Nope. Never.

Anyway, the child that has done the best is Sir Paul McCartney’s daughter Stella. She likes making clothes that you can’t afford.

Now, she’s created a perfume in tribute to her mother, Linda, which is an absolute godsend for people who like to make snide jokes about the deceased.

Wings’ Paul McCartney Had His Phone Hacked, Apparently. It’s Like Mark Chapman All Over Again

August 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation.

Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake II on), we do use it to get into people’s voicemails. We’ve got a great story about the not very famous comedian David Schneider, but that’s for another time.

Anyway, Macca is not pleased that we’ve been in his messages, very much in the same way his former wife, Heather Mills, was hopping mad (fnarr) that she’d had her voicemails hacked into and, of course, John Lennon’s chest was very much breached by Mark Chapman with his best gun.

Ten Songs Paul McCartney Should Consider For Olympic Opening Ceremony

July 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Paul McCartney is all set to headline the opening ceremony of London 2012 Olympic Games alongside other British music stars who probably aren’t nearly as good. Unless they get Girls Aloud on which would be amazing.

The Beatle has told organisers of London 2012 he is “up for” playing at the opener, but which songs he will play is yet to be seen. Or organised at all probably. And Ringo Starr won’t be there, which is simultaneously a shame and of little consequence.

But which songs should Macca consider? Sure, he’s got a massive back catalogue to play with, but there’s some cheeky tracks that are less famous that he should really think about including.

Paul McCartney To Raise The Beatles From The Dead For The Olympics Opening Ceremony

July 12th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

We despair about living in England. Out of every country in the world, we are the only nation that takes pride in former glories and absolutely nothing else. We’ve got nothing to look forward to. Nothing.

And when it comes to music, no band takes our regressive national pride to stalker-levels like The Beatles. It's an actual fact that people in Liverpool aren't christened in holy water. Instead, melted down Beatles records are used to make sure any young child gets a proper passage into the world we live in.

Even though the fab four haven't made a record for decades (seriously! What’s George Harrison up to these days? Nothing. Lazy oaf!) it hasn't stopped rock n? roll granddad Paul McCartney from muscling in with his ideas on how an ageing band with no relevance on modern music can help creating an exciting opening Olympic ceremony. Where’s Mark Chapman when you need him?

Heather Mills Breaks Her Shoulder And Everyone Privately Agrees That It Is Quite Funny

May 12th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Don’t mess with a Beatle. Even the most irritating of Beatles will be favoured over other humans, simply because they’re responsible for those tunes you like. Unbelievably, Heather Mills swiped the crown of most loathed Beatlespouse from Yoko Ono, who seemed to have it in the bag for life.

See, while Yoko initially got heat because everyone was kinda racist toward her, she eventually settled into the world’s ire by simply being a pretentious artist (and no-one likes anyone from the artworld).

Then, along came Heather Mills and, thanks in part to having one leg which made for excruciatingly easy and tiresome jokes from the stand-up universe, became so hated that the National Grids managed to power our homes just on our collective irritation. Then she divorced daft, wacky ol’ Macca and the seething bubbled over into all-out hate. This ensured that any mishap that befell her would be met with titters.

Heather Mills Takes All The Credit For The Beatles Appearing on iTunes In A Totally Non-Deluded Way

December 6th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Heather Mills is a nice lady isn’t she? She’s an inspiration to anyone who has lost a limb. She’s proven that you don’t need both legs to be chastised and widely loathed. Striking a blow for real, practical equality, her existence has shown that people can be just as nasty to those with a disability as those without.

Great work Heather.

She’s also responsible for bringing The Beatles up-to-date. It’s all her doing. Before Mills, The Fab Four were seen as irrelevant and without any worth at all, but thanks to her wheeling and dealing, they’re now a vital cultural cog in society. Isn’t she just swell?

Heather Mills Press Complaint ? Completely Beyond Satire

June 24th, 2010 By Paul Pencott

If you tried to think of a celebrity as equally unappealing as shrieking harridan Heather Mills for her to have a public dispute with you couldn't go far wrong with odious potato-faced toad Piers Morgan.

And you'd be right, because that is what's happened in a Press Complaints Commission investigation completed yesterday.

The unintentionally hilarious Mills ? whose face increasingly resembles a crude caricature drawn by a ?special? child ? has objected to an article written by Morgan in which he describes his ?eternal shame? at having been the cretin to introduce her to Paul McCartney in the first place. She says this isn't true ? not the ?shame? thing, but the ?introduction? thing, in the mistaken belief that anyone gives a toss.

Dancing On Ice 2010?s Bunch Of Misfit Celebrities Revealed

August 5th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Reality shows have often confused and left us scratching our heads as to what they’re about.

Big Brother isn't about siblings. Strictly Come Dancing sounds like some sort of torturous experience. And A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila? That could literally be anything if you've got a filthy enough mind.

What is plain, simple and to the point is Dancing On Ice. It literally does what it says on the tin. Some people will attempt to skate on some ice whilst falling over for our amusement. But they aren't just any people – they’re celebrities! Therefore it adds immediate coolness. Because we wouldn't watch if it was a family from Stoke battling against one from Coventry. After the jump, the personalities who?ll be breaking their arms on the ice when the show returns in January.