But now, possibly, Heather Locklear might just be starting to regret allegedly getting hammered on prescription medication and then parking her car in the middle of a state highway in floods of tears in September and then having a mugshot taken that makes her look a bit like a emotionally-sensitive panda being forced to watch the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.

And that’s because Heather Locklear has just been officially charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs. Who knew that Heather Locklear possibly had an addiction to prescription drugs? We’d have thought that her existing addictions – to making cacky TV shows and marrying idiots from crappy bands that only morons like – would have been enough for anyone.

We’ve always had a sneaking resentment of Ava, the daughter of Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora – not only does she have the genes to grow the worst haircut in history if she wanted to, but she’s going to have a hell of a Christmas.

This year her dad was arrested for DUI while she was in the car with him, and his mother’s just been charged with DUI after she was arrested for parking her car in the middle of a highway on suspicion of being off her chuff on prescription drugs. And that means Ava’s getting shitloads of presents.

True, depending on who she gets to spend Christmas day with, Ava might either have to put up with a recovering alcoholic barely in control of his own functions or a shivering depressed woman who might  constantly be on the verge of suicide but, hey, at least she’ll get an Xbox out of it. And isn’t that the most important thing?

Well, that’s unless Heather Locklear blows all her money on legal fees. Because, following her DUI arrest in September, Heather Locklear has now finally been charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs. The Los Angeles Times reports:

“There was no alcohol and no illegal narcotics in her system, only prescription medications, said Santa Barbara County Deputy Dist. Atty. Lee Carter. Locklear is scheduled to be arraigned Jan. 26. Attorney Blair Berk, who is representing the actress, declined to comment.

Heather Locklear may have been charged, but that isn’t to say that she’ll be heavily punished for it if she’s convicted. Since this is her first real offence, it’s likely that Heather will get away with just a fine and possibly a court-ordered rehab stint.

And that’s undoubtedly the best outcome. Not only is Heather Locklear the mother of a young child, but also if she’s sent to prison, then who’ll do all the crappy cameos in all the rubbish American sitcoms in her place?

Britney Spears, that’s who. Would you really be able to live with yourselves after an outcome like that, jury members? We didn’t think so.

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But that’d be the easy way. Instead the Heather Locklear arrest story has chosen to get really weird. And it’s all the paparazzi’s fault.

Remember the good Samaritan who alerted the police to Heather Locklear’s erratic driving? Turns out she owns a paparazzi agency and managed to sell photos of Heather Locklear being arrested to TMZ for $27,000. So does that affect her credibility as a witness? Was she really just being a concerned citizen? Why’s Heather Locklear famous again? What was the date of the first Spanish Armada? Who are you? Why do our legs hurt so much?

The paparazzi, honest to goodness, are responsible for every single one of the world’s problems. It’s their fault that Kanye West is so angry, it’s their fault that Jamie Lynn Spears is so jumpy and paranoid and we’re pretty sure it’s their fault that the prepacked stirfry that was a fortnight out of date we had for dinner recently tasted overwhelmingly of vinegar. The paparazzi, in short are bastards.

Just look what they did to Heather Locklear. There was Heather on Saturday, minding her own business seemingly intoxicated on a cocktail of prescription medication, when all of a sudden – bam – the paparazzi are calling the police in case her erratic driving ends up killing somebody. The bastards.

It has emerged that the ‘good Samaritan’ who got Heather Locklear arrested for DUI after notifying the police of her unusual behaviour was none other than Jill Ishkanian, a photographer who also runs her own paparazzi agency. And, like all good paparazzi agency bosses, Ishkanian managed to get a few photos of the arrest which she sold on to TMZ for $27,000.

Except she didn’t make the transaction directly because she’s previously been accused of stealing information from US Weekly’s computers and as a result her reputation is so tattered that hardly any outlets will buy her photos.

But just because Heather Locklear’s arrest came about because of a woman who had a vested financial interest in securing photos of Heather Locklear getting arrested, it doesn’t mean that Heather Locklear didn’t deserve to be arrested, does it? AP reports:

CHP Lt. Dane Lobb said Wednesday that Ishkanian’s involvement would not change what was going forward as a regular DUI investigation. “We determined (Locklear) was someone who shouldn’t be operating a vehicle,” he said. Locklear’s attorney, Blair Berk, did not return an e-mail message seeking comment Wednesday evening.

Of course, regardless of who called the police, Heather Locklear’s guilt or innocence will be determined once and for all as soon as police receive the test results determining whether or not she was impaired at the time of the arrest.

Then we’ll all be able to say for certain whether Heather Locklear is a habitual drug user or a perfectly sober batty old shitbox who suffers from depression and possibly keeps trying to kill herself. And not a moment too soon.

It all make so much sense now – if you’d just spent several months making a family drama that nobody’s going to watch, and had to do it in the presence of Billy Ray Cyrus, getting tanked up on prescription medicine and parking your car in the middle of a busy motorway would seem like a perfectly sensible thing to do, too.

And now Heather Locklear has been arrested for DUI after allegedly doing exactly that, the director of this new movie has spoken out. Jim Amatuilli thinks that Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest is ’sad’, especially since it followed Heather’s ’solid’ work on the movie. Solid? That’s the best adjective he could drum up in her greatest hour of need? No wonder Heather Locklear went mental. And that’s not any solid. That’s solid compared to Billy Ray Cyrus. Honestly, next time just go for the more sympathetic ‘Oh, just kill yourself already,’ Jim.

Following Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest this weekend – and the accompanying mugshot that makes her look like she’s just been expelled from clown school – the race is on to uncover exactly what caused her problems in the first place.

On the surface it seems simple – Heather Locklear went to rehab and allegedly tried to kill herself because her alcoholic husband left her for her best friend. Essentially it’s an episode of Jeremy Kyle, but with better teeth.

However, if you ask Jim Amatuilli – the director of Heather Locklear’s new movie which co-stars Billy Ray Cyrus that we’re not even going to name because you’re not going to watch it anyway – then there’s another reason for Heather Locklear appearing to get shitfaced on prescription drugs and stopping her car in the middle of a state highway for no reason.

And that’s that she’s, you know, getting old and stuff. Jim Amatuilli told the New York Daily News:

“It is very easy to see the effects of the ‘show-biz’ environment, and the stress it puts on relationships and families. Add to that the pressure that women face as they get older and roles narrow, with so much ‘value’ put on superficial elements, it’s sad to watch the results play out.”

You hear that, Heather Locklear? Jim Amatuilli speaks the truth. And we agree with him – you now have three options to get yourself back on the right track:

1 - Get a proper job.

2 - Go back in time and dedicate yourself to learning your craft instead of just coasting by on a series of mindlessly trashy roles that you were only offered because you looked half-decent in a bikini and the producers all thought that you might let them have a go on your fanny if they booked you.

3 - Realise that your ageing face grows a new flaw every day, and commit yourself to a merciless lifetime of constant plastic surgery procedures that – while possibly convincing someone standing far away that you superficially look quite young – will remove all trace of your character, gradually warp you into a freakish featureless splotch and ensure that you only get picked to star in films like The Perpetually Unhappy Walking Scar From The Planet Botox in the future.

Either one’s fine.

Following Richie Sambora’s DUI arret in March, Ava’s mother Heather Locklear has gone and followed suit. According to reports, Heather Locklear was arrested for DUI on Saturday night after police found her parked on a motorway, blocking an entire lane.

However, it’s also been reported that alcohol wasn’t a factor in Heather Locklear’s arrest. That begs the question – what was Heather driving under the influence of? The best guess at the moment is that it was prescription medicine – but having seen Heather Locklear’s arrest mugshot we’re pretty sure that she was driving under the influence of either onions or the dark lord Satan.

But anyway, back to Heather Locklear’s daughter. She’s going to be in for a bumper Christmas, isn’t she? There’s nothing like parental guilt for amassing giant presents, and both her parents have plenty to be guilty about.

True, both Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora have been arrested for DUI within six months of each other, but they’ve both got their own individual reasons to feel stupid. Her father Richie Sambora should feel stupid because his daughter was in the car with him during his DUI arrest, and her mother Heather Locklear is probably feeling stupid because she appears to be in the middle of a giant mental and physical breakdown that she urgently needs to seek help for.

The signs have been there for a while, to be honest – not because of the way that Heather Locklear unconvincingly denied that story about her suicide attempt or her admission into rehab on the grounds of depression soon after, but because of the way that she let David Spade have it off with her. Urgh, David Spade.

And now all those warning signs seem to have come to fairly upsetting fruition – Heather Locklear has been arrested for DUI. But not any old DUI – potentially lethal DUI that appears to stem from the consumption of prescription medicine. The LA Times reports:

According to TMZ, alcohol was not a factor and the police believe she was on prescription medications. A resident reported Heather was “driving erratically” while pulling out of a parking lot. The California Highway Patrol say they found Locklear’s car parked on a state highway and it was blocking a lane.

After being tested for alcohol and drugs, Heather Locklear was released without bail. But, really, the arrest isn’t the important thing here – the important thing is the gradual deterioration of Heather Locklear’s condition. For God’s sake – things have got so bad for Heather that she’s now basically just copying Nicole Richie. That’s literally as bad as anything in this world can get.

Fingers crossed that Heather Locklear takes this arrest as her cue to seriously seek help to iron out her problems, for her daughter’s sake as much as her own. After all, would you really want a child of yours to be raised under the sole care of Richie Sambora from Bon Jovi? Of course you wouldn’t – the haircuts they’d receive alone would be enough to traumatise them permanently.

And those are precisely the two things that Heather Locklear has got. You'd think that Heather Locklear would be the happiest woman on the face of the earth, wouldn't you? Well you're wrong. In fact, there's a pretty good chance that Heather Locklear is one of the saddest.

Heather Locklear's just checked into an Arizona medical facility for psychological treatment as she's said to be suffering from anxiety and depression. And who can blame her – an actress of her calibre must be exhausted from taking on so many different personalities over the years. Sometimes Heather Locklear mustn't know if she's the woman who made one generic cameo appearance in Two And A Half Men, or the woman who made two generic cameo appearances in Ally McBeal. We feel for her, we really do.

You know which celebrity offspring we're most jealous of? Little Ava Elizabeth Sambora. Life must be so great for her – not only does she have a father who lulls her off to sleep at night by humming the guitar solo from Bad Medicine, but she knows that if she watches episodes of bad American sitcoms for long enough, her mother will inevitably pop up and do a rubbishy cameo before too long.

Sure, there are downsides to being the daughter of Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear – it must have been awkward when mummy and daddy divorced and daddy almost instantly ran off and shacked up with mummy's best friend Denise Richards, for example. Plus you'd never know when daddy would get drunk, lock you in his Hummer and recklessly career across several lanes of highway. And mummy might try and kill herself now and again. But our point still stands – Ava Elizabeth Sambora has the old 'drunk father/ mentally unbalanced mother' childhood that we always wanted and we hate her for it.

And it looks like Heather Locklear really is mentally unbalanced as well, because she's checked herself into a psychological hospital for treatment. Reuters reports:

"Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression," Locklear's spokeswoman Cece Yorke said in a statement to Reuters. "She requested an in depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment." Yorke said the matter was confidential and no other statements would be released. 

It just goes to show that nobody is safe from depression, not even Heather Locklear – a woman who's experienced the giddy heights of starring in two episodes of Scrubs as well as two episodes of Boston Legal, and has managed to have sex with not only the bad-haired guitarist from Bon Jovi but also the bad-haired blonde midget from Just Shoot Me. How could that possibly be depressing, apart from the all the irregular soul-destroying bit-part work and the sex with unattractive men?

Still, we're not exactly surprised by any of this – if we heard that certain hecklerspray writers probably masturbated to pictures of us quite a lot in the 1980s, we'd currently be in an Arizona getting our brain looked at, too.

But Heather Locklear is made of sterner stuff than you. Heather Locklear absolutely didn't try and kill herself last weekend, even though a 911 operative, the Los Angeles Fire Department, two ambulances and Heather Locklear's own psychiatrist thought she had.

But don't worry, because it was all a false alarm. Heather Locklear wasn't really trying to commit suicide, which means that we can all go back to forgetting she ever even existed anyway again.

On average it's thought that the average Los Angeles-dweller will be falsely accused of attempting suicide 15 or 16 times within their lifespan. It happens all the time – Marie Osmond's suicide attempt was really an adverse reaction to painkillers, the Hasselhoff daughter's suicide attempt was really an adverse reaction to a kitten-scratch and Owen Wilson's suicide attempt was just… oh. 

But on the whole it's fair to say that most celebrity suicide attempt reports are just miscommunication. But who can blame the authorities for being a bit jumpy? After all, a celebrity's life is worth the same as ten normal peoples' lives. Except for Heather Locklear, of course. Her life is probably only worth the same as three or four normal people's lives, but that didn't stop the mother of all misreported suicide attempts happening on Saturday night.

On Saturday, fire trucks and ambulances were called to Heather Locklear's home because of a 911 call claiming that she was about to kill herself, even though she was actually pretty OK and the least suicidal that you can be when you know you're Heather Locklear. However, the call didn't come from Heather Locklear or anyone in her home, and 911 officials were positive that it wasn't a crank call.

So who blew the whistle on Heather Locklear's non-existent suicide attempt? As Ninemsn reports, the moral of the story is to never tell your psychiatrist that you're sad. Or at least never tell Heather Locklear's psychiatrist that you're sad:

Law enforcement sources said the call came from the actress's psychiatrist, according to celebrity website TMZ. The psychiatrist was alarmed because she was "upset and believed she might OD on medication prescribed for depression", the website reported.

It's an embarrassing mix-up for sure. Now – rightfully or not – Heather Locklear looks a bit crazy, her psychiatrist looks a bit stupid and the Los Angeles 911 service looks like a bunch of fools. But why would someone as well-known, glamorous and addicted to starring in white-bread sitcoms as Heather Locklear even be depressed in the first place?

Simple. Richie Sambora's penis. It's like King Midas in reverse. Heather Locklear was the bright young star of Melrose Place until she touched Richie Sambora's penis and now – bam! – she's on depression medication and at the centre of a suicide attempt storm. And then there's Denise Richards, who was the bright young star of Wild Things until she touched Richie Sambora's penis and now – bam! – she's a weirdly paranoid sad jobless pig who's been reduced to crawling around in the world of reality TV. 

Basically our point is that you shouldn't touch Richie Sambora's penis. Never touch Richie Sambora's penis.

Read more:

Fears held for Locklear after suicide call – Ninemsn