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Remember Heather Locklear? Everyone used to fancy her in the olden days didn’t they? She was the muse for many a 90s teen masturbation and, boy howdy, she was the archetypal neutron blonde.
Alas, image is always temporary and as her vanity stood firm in the face of sliding features, she looked like she was losing her mind.
And to back that up, she was taken to the hospital yesterday after a 911 call was placed from her home. Is it drugs? It’s usually drugs isn’t it?
Heather Locklear doesn’t have the greatest history when it comes to vehicles – for a start there was LAX.
That was a sitcom about an airport. And planes fly from airports. And planes are vehicles. So that counts. More relevantly, though, there was that time in 2008 when Heather Locklear took a load of prescription medication and parked her car in a flood of tears in the middle of a busy highway. And now, just when you thought that things couldn’t get any worse for her, she’s been arrested for a 4am hit and run.
What did Heather Locklear hit with her car? A child? An old lady? A dog? No – it was a No Parking sign. It’s thought that following the arrest Heather Locklear will check into rehab and then publicly apologise to Al Sharpton just in case he turns out to be a leader of the No Parking sign community.
Heather Locklear must have been thrilled when she was arrested for DUI – at least it distracted everyone from all her horrible sitcoms.
But now, possibly, Heather Locklear might just be starting to regret allegedly getting hammered on prescription medication and then parking her car in the middle of a state highway in floods of tears in September and then having a mugshot taken that makes her look a bit like a emotionally-sensitive panda being forced to watch the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.
And that’s because Heather Locklear has just been officially charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs. Who knew that Heather Locklear possibly had an addiction to prescription drugs? We’d have thought that her existing addictions – to making cacky TV shows and marrying idiots from crappy bands that only morons like – would have been enough for anyone.
When Heather Locklear got arrested for DUI on Saturday, we thought we knew what we’d see – a funny mugshot, a fine and stint in rehab.
But that’d be the easy way. Instead the Heather Locklear arrest story has chosen to get really weird. And it’s all the paparazzi’s fault.
Remember the good Samaritan who alerted the police to Heather Locklear’s erratic driving? Turns out she owns a paparazzi agency and managed to sell photos of Heather Locklear being arrested to TMZ for $27,000. So does that affect her credibility as a witness? Was she really just being a concerned citizen? Why’s Heather Locklear famous again? What was the date of the first Spanish Armada? Who are you? Why do our legs hurt so much?
People, we think we’ve found the root of all Heather Locklear’s problems – she’s about to star in a film with Billy Ray Cyrus.
It all make so much sense now – if you’d just spent several months making a family drama that nobody’s going to watch, and had to do it in the presence of Billy Ray Cyrus, getting tanked up on prescription medicine and parking your car in the middle of a busy motorway would seem like a perfectly sensible thing to do, too.
And now Heather Locklear has been arrested for DUI after allegedly doing exactly that, the director of this new movie has spoken out. Jim Amatuilli thinks that Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest is ‘sad’, especially since it followed Heather’s ‘solid’ work on the movie. Solid? That’s the best adjective he could drum up in her greatest hour of need? No wonder Heather Locklear went mental. And that’s not any solid. That’s solid compared to Billy Ray Cyrus. Honestly, next time just go for the more sympathetic ‘Oh, just kill yourself already,’ Jim.
Know who we’re still jealous of? Ava Sambora. She’s just hit the jackpot – both her parents have now been arrested for DUI.
Following Richie Sambora‘s DUI arret in March, Ava’s mother Heather Locklear has gone and followed suit. According to reports, Heather Locklear was arrested for DUI on Saturday night after police found her parked on a motorway, blocking an entire lane.
However, it’s also been reported that alcohol wasn’t a factor in Heather Locklear’s arrest. That begs the question – what was Heather driving under the influence of? The best guess at the moment is that it was prescription medicine – but having seen Heather Locklear’s arrest mugshot we’re pretty sure that she was driving under the influence of either onions or the dark lord Satan.
What are the two things that all women want? That's right – an increasingly dried-up acting career and an ex-husband who's in Bon Jovi.
And those are precisely the two things that Heather Locklear has got. You'd think that Heather Locklear would be the happiest woman on the face of the earth, wouldn't you? Well you're wrong. In fact, there's a pretty good chance that Heather Locklear is one of the saddest.
Heather Locklear's just checked into an Arizona medical facility for psychological treatment as she's said to be suffering from anxiety and depression. And who can blame her – an actress of her calibre must be exhausted from taking on so many different personalities over the years. Sometimes Heather Locklear mustn't know if she's the woman who made one generic cameo appearance in Two And A Half Men, or the woman who made two generic cameo appearances in Ally McBeal. We feel for her, we really do.
If you'd starred in as many woefully identical sitcoms as Heather Locklear, suicide would probably come as a sweet release.
But Heather Locklear is made of sterner stuff than you. Heather Locklear absolutely didn't try and kill herself last weekend, even though a 911 operative, the Los Angeles Fire Department, two ambulances and Heather Locklear's own psychiatrist thought she had.
But don't worry, because it was all a false alarm. Heather Locklear wasn't really trying to commit suicide, which means that we can all go back to forgetting she ever even existed anyway again.
