Mary Portas is widely renowned for having the poise and gait of a maimed Tyrannosaurus Rex and the retail miracle-worker has told Heat! magazine that she wants the opportunity to inject some sex appeal into David Cameron’s cabinet.
Without hecklerspray trying to force any political viewpoints down the throats of our readers, Tories are arseholes. That’s the traditional order of their political party. In order to make it, you either have to be a wretched, money-sucking scum-bucket or a super-intelligent shade of beige (see John Major) and there’s no place for any style, panache or even a hint of shagability.
That doesn’t mean that certain chinless morons who believe in fox hunting and using Britain’s poor as an underlay for their hall carpet wouldn’t strap one on and give big Dave Cameron a damned good rogering but on the whole, the British public isn’t supposed to want to have any kind of intercourse with their politicians.
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Angelina Jolie is believed to be going spastic at recent reports that Brad Pitt might be having “a bit laugh and carry on” with a mystery woman on the set of his new film.
However, these ‘beliefs’ and ‘reports’ are coming from a turgid UK rag owned by pornography-king Richard Desmond, and there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over our tabloid press at the minute. We’re not convinced of any Woodward and Bernstein –style investigative journalism at work.
However, there is a photo of a woman touching his arm. Yes, you heard right. The dirty swine. His ARM is absolutely up to its nuts in hand BLART.
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As everyone knows, catching a puffin with a net, pulling its still-warm heart of of its body and eating it is one of the most erotic things a person can do.
Just look at Gordon Ramsay. Not so long ago Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart on his TV show The F Word just to show what a triumphant lord of sex he really is. But, would you believe it, 42 people found the sight of Gordon Ramsay chewing on the just-dead heart of a beloved seabird offensive enough to complain about.
Fortunately, though, Ofcom has decided that Gordon Ramsay didn’t break any rules and is free to film himself gorging on raw blood-splattered puffin organs as much as he likes. That’s lucky for Gordon Ramsay, because it’s easy food for him – every year millions of migrating puffins have found welcome shelter from bad weather within the deep crevices of his angry face.
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So it's official – OJ Simpson did ask his goons to bring guns to his alleged hotel room armed robbery in Las Vegas. And we know it's official because a man who might occasionally moonlight as a pimp said so.
Yesterday at the preliminary hearing to discover whether there's enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his supposed role as the ringleader of an armed robbery, OJ's goon Walter Alexander testified that Simpson had asked him to "bring some heat" to the raid in case anything went wrong. However, come the full trial OJ Simpson is expected to counter-argue that he wasn't asking Alexander to bring a gun, rather to try and get his hands on an electric blanket or a patio heater or one of those gel-sack hand-warmer things with the metal clickers in them.
Because if there's one thing OJ Simpson hates, it's being slightly chilly. And people who steal his shit. But mainly chilliness, though.
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