But now Toni Braxton has finally got the attention she deserves. Thanks to the mysterious, potentially life-threatening chest pains that took her off to hospital last week, Toni Braxton has never been so famous and her Vegas show is bound to sell even more tickets than ever as a result.

Except that it won’t, because Toni Braxton has cancelled all of her shows for the rest of April while she recovers. Stupid chest pains – they give you all the thrill of being famous with none of the cardiovascular functionality of being healthy. Hardly ideal, is it?

We’re starting to think that we’re under attack from the early 1990s, what with Stone Temple Pilots reforming, Gladiators coming back to television, Vanilla Ice getting arrested for domestic battery and Toni Braxton going to hospital with chest pains. We’ll know for sure as soon as there’s a sighting of Macaulay Culkin swatting planes out of the sky from the top of a skyscraper, but by then it’ll be too late. Then the cast of Hangin’ With Mr Cooper will march into town and suicide will be the most painless option left open to us.

But anyway, hopelessly paranoid time-travel invasion fears aside, Toni Braxton has managed to make the news for the second time in just over a week – the most talked-about she’s possibly ever been.

Obviously the first instance came when Toni Braxton was admitted to a Las Vegas hospital with chest pains last week. Although no official statement has been made about the nature of Braxton’s illness, it’s thought that it could be a resurgence of the pericarditis that she was diagnosed with a few years ago.

And now that she’s out of hospital, Toni Braxton has made the decision to cancel all of her scheduled Toni Braxton: Revealed concerts at the Flamingo for the rest of the month. The Associated Press reports:

Toni Braxton won’t return to the stage on the Las Vegas Strip until at least next month. The Flamingo Las Vegas says Braxton’s show will remain dark this week while the 40-year-old Grammy winner has more medical tests following her April 7 hospitalization for chest pain. Flamingo President Don Marrandino said her Tuesday-through-Saturday shows are also off, and Braxton will take advantage of a previously scheduled two-week break. She is due to resume her show at the Flamingo Showroom on May 6. The Flamingo is offering refunds for the canceled shows.

It’s just common sense that Toni Braxton should cancel the rest of the month’s concerts, for everyone’s sake. Needless to say, Toni Braxton will find it hard to perform to her utmost level while she’s worrying about such a potentially dangerous heart condition, but her audience would probably appreciate it if she didn’t drop dead straining for a high C in the middle of a show as well. It’d take the shine right off their trip, for starters.

But with Celine Dion out of Vegas and Toni Braxton incapacitated by illness, who’s left for the good people of Las Vegas to go and see during their visit? Four words – Lucky Cheng’s Drag Cabaret!

Read more:

Toni Braxton’s Shows for April Canceled - AP

Although the exact nature of Toni Braxton's illness hasn't been revealed, some have claimed that she was rushed to hospital with chest pains – a sign that Toni Braxton could be suffering from a flare up of her pre-existing pericarditis.

Pericarditis, of course, is an inflammation of the lining of the heart. Ironic, really, since Toni Braxton's most famous song was entitled Un-Break My Heart. When will these celebrities realise that singing lovelorn powerballads about diseases that they suffer from is no substitute for the progressive nature of medical science?

Toni Braxton has never been too much of a hecklerspray target in the past, but that's only because she's failed to do anything of worth. But now, thanks to a horrific-sounding health scare that possibly left her fearing for her life, she's made it. Welcome to the big time, Toni! 

Although Toni Braxton hasn't had a real hit since the middle of the last decade, she's kept herself fairly busy – alternating shifts in Las Vegas working crowds with her I Know You Couldn't Get Tickets For Celine Dion But I'm Almost As Good (Plus There's Free Soup) show with being diagnosed with horrible illnesses that inflame the lining of her heart.

And on Monday night, those two things collided spectacularly, leaving Toni Braxton in a Las Vegas hospital receiving urgent medical care for chest pains, as E! Online reports:

Toni Braxton is on the mend and in "good condition" following a health scare. The 40-year-old "Un-Break My Heart" singer was admitted to Las Vegas' St. Rose Dominican Hospital for chest pains Monday night… The singer's agent at ICM, Mark Seigel, would not comment on Braxton's hospitalization. While there hasn't been any further details released on her present ailment, Braxton has previously admitted suffering from a condition called pericarditis, an inflammation of the lining of the heart, which she was diagnosed with four years ago.

It sounds horrible, and hopefully Toni Braxton will make a full and speedy recovery from this scare. But, again, it's odd that the singer of Un-Break My Heart should suffer from a cardiac anomaly like this. Let's just hope that fate doesn't decide to act out any more of Toni Braxton's song titles, like Trippin', Breathe Again or Let It Flow – Toni's been through enough without suffering a fractured collar bone, chronic asphyxia or abnormally heavy periods.

However, just as we hope that Toni Braxton gets better quickly, we'd also like to make it clear that we don't want Toni Braxton to become any more famous from this incident.

It's for our own good – because if Toni Braxton manages to resurrect her singing career by performing songs about her illnesses, then the floodgates will  open. And the day that Jessica Simpson releases a song called Let Me Tell Y'All About My Stinky Piss is the day that we realise evil has won.

Read more:

Toni Braxton Hospitalized - E! Online

Ms. Nash had the operation after discovering she had the possibly life-threatening heart condition tachycardia and the thought of her imminent death apparently spurred the fake cockney on to pursue her present career in raping other people’s ears.

Fuckin’ ‘ell, Guv, as Kate would no doubt say. Just imagine if it had gone the wrong way. We wouldn’t have songs like Mouthwash and lyrics like these to make our lives better:

“This is my face
Covered in freckles
With the occasional spot
And some veins”

Yes. we think Oscar Wilde wrote something similar once. Dear Lord, it really doesn’t bear thinking about life without Kate Nash. Where would we be without her cover of Nathan Barley’s brilliant song Caroline’s A Victim, for instance? Probably in the same place but our lives wouldn’t be so rich, would they? OK, yes they would but you see our point, don’t you? Actually, that last one wasn’t rhetorical; we can’t currently locate the point of Kate Nash so if you find it please send it over in a taxi. We’ll pay.

Not content with just making really, really excellent songs about nothing in particular, Kate has now also decided to write books. She told the NME:

“I’d like to release a collection of short stories,” she explained. “I’m writing one about a 12 year-old boy called George, who meets a seven-foot cross-dresser called Roy. It’s a concept about imagination and being whatever your dream is.” 

Oh fuck off, Kate. Damn you and all your bloody genius. It’s just not fair. Someone was obviously up front when God was handing out talent. It’s just a shame it made you late for the heart queue.   

Read more: 

Kate Nash: 'heart Op Inspired My Music Career'- FemaleFirst

Because now sources apparently close to the investigation into Heath Ledger's death suspect that he may have died because his heart just stopped. Whether it was a heart attack or something else – or whether these natural death claims are completely inaccurate – remains to be seen. But if it is true, then at least Jack Nicholson was wrong the other day.

And that's always heartwarming news.

There's always such a sudden flurry of speculation whenever something as blindsiding as the untimely death of Heath Ledger that it's hard to unearth any sort of truth. But now, almost a week after Heath Ledger died, things are starting to make themselves a little clearer.

In the wake of his death there were reports that Heath Ledger was suffering from pneumonia – disproved during Heath Ledger's initial autopsy – reports that Heath had deliberately taken his own life because, as claimed by a friend of his, "everything was misery for him," and reports that his death was drug-based but purely accidental. And Jack Nicholson seemed to claim that Heath Ledger took a sleeping pill and drove off a cliff, although who knows what the hell he was banging on about.

But, if the latest news is to believed, each of these theories is completely wrong. According to TMZ, Heath Ledger's death might be put down to natural causes and nothing more:

It's now appearing that the level of toxicity (from medication) in Ledger's system was low enough that it may not have caused his death. These sources say Heath's heart stopped. It could have been a heart attack but it's not certain, at least not yet. Although it's bizarre that a 28-year-old could die of natural causes, it happens.

Now, there still haven't been any official announcements – no toxicology reports revealed and no statements from coroners – but if TMZ's sources are as close to the investigation as they claim to be, then it's definitely an encouraging sign. However, if Heath Ledger's heart did just stop then it will only raise more questions of why? Stress from his insomnia? Was it weakened by the drugs that Heath was claimed to have been addicted to?

Hopefully soon we'll all know for certain.

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Heath's Death Could Be Natural Causes – TMZ 

It's been reported, you see, that Eminem went to hospital over the Christmas period because of a serious heart condition and complications from pneumonia, with sources adding that he's increased in weight to over 200 lb. Of course, this illness and massive weight-gain means that Eminem can't be called Slim Shady any more, and so he's thought to be deciding on a new name, with either Fatt Poorly or Pensioner'z Illnezz being current front-runners.

In the past you couldn't help but stumble across comparisons between Eminem and Elvis Presley – after all, they were both white boys stealing black music and sending it mainstream. But now the comparison has never looked more accurate thanks to reports that Eminem has taken on Elvis' fondness for tubby reclusiveness and bouts of ill health. While it hasn't got to the 'death by shitting' stage yet, it's understood that things are actually getting quite serious for Eminem.

TMZ has reported that Eminem was rushed to a Detroit hospital over the festive period suffering from pneumonia, a bad heart and worrying weight-gain:

We're told Em was taken to a Detroit-area hospital for a serious heart condition and severe pneumonia. Sources tell TMZ Em's weight has ballooned to over 200 lbs. Eminem 's publicist told TMZ: "Over the holidays, Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, was under doctor's care at a Detroit-area hospital for complications due to pneumonia. He has since been released and is doing well recovering at home."

At first, news of Eminem's illness probably seems sudden, but it's only after some thought that you come to realise that, actually, what is it that Eminem does any more? Sure, he's sold millions of records, but his last proper album came out four years ago. Since then there's been a Greatest Hits collection and a weak mix album to his name and nothing else with little on the horizon. Frankly Eminem could have caught pneumonia by digging a moat around his house naked, or contracted his heart disease by swallowing bees for a bet for all we know about him these days.

So hopefully Eminem will get better soon, and maybe even think about making more music at some point. Still, ever the optimists, at least there's something to be gained from Eminem laying in a hospital seriously ill – it'd be one less opportunity for him marry his ex-wife and then divorce her another couple of times.

Read more:

Eminem — Not Slim Anymore; Big Health Scare! – TMZ 

You know, like how Ellen DeGeneres cancelled taping her show in NYC, Julia Louis-Dreyfus picketed arm in arm with Wanda Sykes, Garth Brooks cancelled his TV appearances, and so on. 

But all of these people are total poseurs because if you really want to support a cause, you develop a life-threatening chronic illness that causes you to cancel shows for months on end disappointing lonely middle-aged women everywhere like Wayne Newton has done. Wayne Newton and his virus-ridden heart are the only celebrity making any real sacrifices here.  

The rest of you people just make us sick. 

Legendary singer Wayne Newton has a big heart. We don’t mean that he sings to blind amputee orphan leper children or wipes spilled tanker oil off of baby seals with his silky shirts, but he literally has a big heart. Wayne Newton has a heart condition known as cardiomyopathy, so his heart is bigger than it should be. And if you know anything about the human body you know that the heart is pretty important as far as bodily organs go, so it’s understandable that Wayne Newton would be forced to cancel his Las Vegas shows for the next two months.

However, such cancellations should be appended with warnings of swerving mini-vans and all chocolates being sold out of stores due to the severe depression of middle-aged women that have been planning a trip to Las Vegas to see Wayne Newton with their Weight Watchers support group for months.  

Anyway, it turns out that Wayne Newton apparently contracted a virus during a USO tour in Afghanistan that has led to his unfortunate condition. That sucks for him, really. Seriously, we could understand if he got the disease as punishment for his awful showing on Dancing With The Stars, but not for this. Such an event makes us even more grateful that Paris Hilton isn’t going to Rwanda where she could contract some horrible parasite that would fester in her brain and make it impossible to make albums or say ridiculously stupid things on Larry King Live or do anything at all. Yeah, that’d be real bad.   

But, hey, don’t you go writing your sympathies for Wayne Newton just yet, because he’s got a few things to say about the matter: 

“This is just another little bump in the road. The doctors are a little more concerned than I am. Part of their concern is that I feel so good—I’m not taking this lightly.” 

And if you’re one of those people rooting for Wayne Newton to choke to death as you watch the sputum overflow from his mouth and collect in his chest hair and belly button, then first of all shame on you for thinking such things, and second of all, Mr. Las Vegas has a few words for you, too: 

“I really want to apologise to the fans that were going to see me in those shows. I’m terribly apologetic. And for those who want to paint this situation with a black brush, they’re not going to get their wish. I’m going to be fine.” 

It is really such a relief to hear that Wayne Newton is going to be fine. Not only because heart disease is a horrific ordeal, but because a sexier 65-year-old barrel-chested, girdle-strapped man with teasing peeks at chest hair we have yet to find.