It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.

We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.

Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.

The world’s most favouritest douchebag spent much of the day in hospital, before being released to recover at home, probably in a soiled wife beater and a trucker cap.

At the peak of his girth, Federline had reached a whopping 17stone, which doesn’t sound like much for an American, but being – as he is – an American that was supposed to be vaguely famous for something, this a HUGE deal.

Admittedly that thing he was famous for was having sperm so polluted that it sent Britney Spears batshit insane enough for her to marry him, shave her head, attack a car with an umbrella and hole up in her Hollywood mansion, in a weird Waco 90210 stand off.

We should applaud Federline for attempting to get back into shape, but he’s just so annoying it’s hard for us to even care whether or not this little episode was an actual problem with his heart, or indigestion caused by the rapid consumption of a Big Mac.

It probably was indigestion anyway, it’s hard to imagine K-Fed, who’s now sporting a pony tail because he wasn’t white trash enough before, can even eat a simple burger without taking breaks from chewing with his mouth open to tell anyone and everyone who will listen how he totally nailed Britney Spears, whilst simultaneously humping and spanking the air in a display of chauvinism that borders on the retarded.

So next time you’re in a fast food chain, about to tuck in to that tasty burger you ordered, just remember this. Somewhere, out there in a restaurant just like the one you’re sat in, is Kevin Federline.

Bryan Ferry made some fine, fine records with Roxy Music didn’t he? If you leave it at that, he’s a good bloke. Look at some of his personal views and all that goodwill ebbs away into the ether while your knuckles whiten with rage.

Nothing is worse than his cover version of ‘Jealous Guy’ though. Well, maybe his fox-hunting, throwing stuff around parliament son, is.

Whatever. Fact is, because we really like Roxy Music, we’re going to cut him some slack and cooh and him being admitted to hospital last night with reports saying that the singer is “seriously ill”.

Ferry was due to make an appearance at an Olympic 2012 event, but pulled out after complaints about feeling unwell for some time.

And so, off to the hospital he went for an examination.

A spokesman for Ferry denied the assumption that the singer had suffered a heart attack, only willing to confirm that he was undergoing tests.

The spokesman said:

“Bryan has been feeling rough for some time and he felt even worse today. So, he thought it was best for the doctors to look into it. We’re all obviously very concerned for him.”

While this is being passed off as “a precautionary measure”, it seems Ferry isn’t in a good way which is a shame. Well, if you like Roxy Music, it’s a shame.

If not, you probably couldn’t give two hoots.

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It doesn’t matter that you’re as hard as nails and have shown yourself to be quite the dancer in the background of one scene in Breakdance: The Movie, your heart can still batter you in a fight. Of course, we’re talking figuratively here about action-flick legend Jean-Claude Van Damme having a heart attack.

The Muscles from Brussels was reportedly hospitalized in New Orleans after suffering a heart attack the day after his 50th birthday.

What was his birthday cake made of? Steroids and butter?

Anyway, Van Damme suffered the heart attack while shooting his latest film called Weapon according to E! News. May we stop briefly to applaud the title of that film. We’re imagining that the ‘weapon’ is Mr Van Damme himself. He’s probably got feet made out of bullets or something.

Production had been taking place in Romania until last week when the cast and crew flew to New Orleans for a few days of filming.

However, shortly after arriving in the US, the entire shoot was put on hold due to ‘complications’.

Or, if you don’t work in Hollywood, ‘complications’ means ‘Jean Claude Van Damme has had a heart-attack’. That’s not very nice is it? Get Well Soon cards from Hollywood productions houses must be the most emotionless thing in the world (well, maybe second to Gillian McKeith).

Dear Jean Claude Van Damme, we hope you become less complicated soon. Yours, Dark Movie Overlords.

Van Damme’s wife and mother of two of his children, Gladys Portugues, are said to have joined him in New Orleans.

You’re probably thinking that we’re being especially flippant about someone being rather ill. It’s okay (we hope). He was admitted to hospital before being released and returning to Belgium where he’s expected to make a full recovery.

See?

He’s fine.

OKAY?

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There’s only one thing keeping us interested in the OJ Simpson trial, you know – and that’s good old fashioned acute myocardial infarction.

Just a few days after one witness in the OJ Simpson trial called a halt to proceedings because he was too busy clutching his chest and gasping for air, another witness has decided to blame everything on his dodgy heart, too. OJ Simpson’s co-defendant Charles Ehrlich says that he can’t really remember the Las Vegas hotel room raid in much detail because he’s had a couple of heart attacks and they’ve made him all forgetful.

Whoever came up with this heart attack idea is a genius, because now we don’t know what the hell’s going on at all. Except for one thing – if OJ Simpson really wants to be found innocent, he should be sure to slowly cough his own heart up and out into his hands if he ever has to testify. It’s probably the only way.

Back when he was arrested for it, the notion that OJ Simpson gathered together a gang of armed thugs to raid a hotel room, hold everyone hostage and steal a number of sports memorabilia items seemed completely absurd. If it happened the way police were making out, OJ Simpson was always going to be caught and punished for it.

But now that we’re some way into the actual trial, OJ Simpson is looking more and more like a mastermind. Why? Because it looks like he chose a gang of middle-aged men with a series of health complaints to raid a couple of old men with even more health complaints. And, as a result, nobody can remember anything.

For instance, Bruce Fromong’s heart attack scare destroyed the momentum of his testimony on the first day of the OJ Simpson trial and, as such, nobody can really remember what he was banging on about. And now Charles Ehrlich, the man who spent most of Monday saying that OJ Simpson knew about the guns involved in the alleged crime, is trying to pull a similar trick. AP reports:

Ehrlich said he had posed questions to middleman Thomas Riccio about the planned meeting at a room in the Palace Station Hotel Casino. But when Galanter asked what the questions were, Ehrlich protested…”That was a year ago.” Since then, he said, he had two heart attacks and conceded some things have become “foggy” in his memory.

Whew! Thank God for multiple heart attacks, huh? Actually, because of all these shenanigans we’ve decided that we don’t actually care whether OJ Simpson is found innocent or guilty of this crime any more, because the trial has already taught us more than we thought we’d ever learn about crime. Heart attacks make you forgetful.

It’s true – we’re going to take down the local Natwest on Friday and we need to form a gang first. Barry Pacemaker, Don The Frail, Emphysemic Terry, Bobby Fourscars, Angioplasty Maud, break out of the nursing home and be at ours by 7:30. We’re cooking some special pre-job bacon-wrapped cheesesteaks! Delicious!

Every good trial needs a breakout star, and in the case of the OJ Simpson armed robbery trial we’re pretty sure that star is Bruce Fromong.

Bruce Fromong became the headline attraction of the OJ Simpson trial on Monday, when it looked as if his heart was literally going to explode in his chest during his testimony. But yesterday Bruce Fromong got to do exactly what he came to do – testify against OJ Simpson by contradicting himself as many times as humanly possible.

According to Bruce Fromong, he wasn’t scared when OJ Simpson burst into his hotel room, but he did fear for his life. Also, although he wasn’t trying to profit from his OJ Simpson memorabilia, he did want to make big money from it. Keep this up and Bruce Fromong’s going to end up as the world’s favourite feeble-hearted flip-flopping uncle.

The pressure on everyone involved in the OJ Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping trial must be huge because, literally, the job they do will determine whether or not a man will spend the rest of his life in jail. And that pressure seems to be most evident in Bruce Fromong, one of the key witnesses to the alleged crime.

On Monday, things got to Bruce Fromong so badly that he had to interrupt his testimony to stagger around clutching his chest like Indiana Jones at the end of Temple Of Doom. But yesterday, with his internal organs tickety-boo again, Fromong managed to pull himself together for long enough to tell the court exactly what happened in that Las Vegas hotel room.

Not that we needed telling, of course – ever since OJ Simpson was arrested last year we’ve known that he burst into Fromong’s hotel room with a group of men during a sports memorabilia deal and shouted “You think you can steal my shit?” about a billion times. The important questions are whether any of OJ Simpson’s goons had guns and whether that shit was OJ Simpson’s shit or something he’d already pooped out and legitimately handed to someone else.

Did Bruch Fromong clear those points up? Not really. AP reports:

He acknowledged that he said previously, “I felt my life was being threatened.” But moments later, under inquiry by Stewart’s lawyer Robert Lucherini, Fromong said, “I was not scared.” He insisted the memorabilia Simpson sought was not stolen but said he didn’t know where some of it came from.

Well thanks a bundle Bruce. Really helpful. Almost as helpful as when you said you didn’t want to profit from the merchandise despite saying that you did before putting the merchandise on eBay with the description ‘The same ones stolen by O.J. in Las Vegas’.

So, where has Bruce Fromong’s testimony put the OJ Simpson trial? Exactly where it was before. Let’s hope that some of the witnesses called have at least some clue about what’s going on, otherwise we’re not going to get anywhere at all.

Unless they all have crazy old health scares like Bruce Fromong did. Boy, that was fun. We miss that.

This OJ Simpson trial is boring – no witnesses have even stopped their testimonies to clutch their chest in fear of an impending heart attack yet.

What’s that? They have? In fact, one of the first witnesses in the entire OJ Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping trial clutched his chest in the middle of his testimony thinking he was going to have a heart attack because that’s how scary even the thought of OJ Simpson is to him? Oh, right, sorry.

However, this seems like a massive misstep on the part of the prosecutors. Deploying the witness with the weakest heart at the start of the OJ Simpson trial? The jury’s bound to forget about that when it comes to deliberation time. Either the prosecutors have blown their big chance to convict OJ Simpson or there’s another star witness who’ll come on at the end, spontaneously combust, pop his eyeballs out and poo fire. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Yesterday was the day so many of us had been waiting for. No, not because Britney Spears announced her new poptastic album, but because the long-awaited OJ Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping trial finally got underway in Las Vegas.

It’s been a long hard road to get here – OJ Simpson’s alleged henchmen had to be persuaded to testify against him and the court had to assemble the most mean-spirited Caucasian jury in history before anything exciting could happen – but yesterday things got going with a bang.

OK, not really a bang. To be honest it was more of a minuscule cardiovascular rupture, and it wasn’t even that. But whatever it was, it was all thanks to witness Bruce Fromong.

Bruce Fromong is, of course, the sports memorabilia collector who OJ Simpson allegedly raided with a gang of gun-toting heavies while wailing “You think you can steal my shit?” like the overzealous curator of the world’s biggest Crap Museum.

His testimony would have been one of the most compelling of the trial, since he was the man who OJ Simpson apparently robbed and who owns an audio recording of the raid that seems to back his story up. But no, Bruce Fromong had to go and make it all even more dramatic by almost having a heart attack in front of everyone during his testimony. The New York Daily News reports:

Fromong called for medical help while under a barrage of
questions from Simpson’s attorney. His testimony was suddenly
halted as emergency medical technicians rushed to the courtroom to
bring Fromong’s blood pressure under control. “He has 50% heart capacity,” said Fromong’s lawyer Louis Schneider. “While he was on the stand, he started to feel heated.”

Now, there are three ways to look at this. Firstly, it could all be true. Bruce Fromong could have an especially weak heart and the intensity of a court environment coupled with the fact that he could effectively jail OJ Simpson for life got to him. We don’t believe a word of this.

Secondly, Bruce Fromong could have faked a heart attack to either prevent him from answering some tricky questions from the defence or exaggerate the level of fear that he feels in the presence of OJ Simpson. Again, we don’t believe this either, despite the tactic’s obvious success rate.

And that leaves option three – that OJ Simpson is a Magneto-like supervillian who can destroy the bodies of his enemies with the vindictive power of his mind alone. This, we’d argue, is absolutely the cause of Fromong’s heart attack scare and OJ Simpson should instantly go to a specially-built electro-magnetic detention centre four miles under the North Pole where he’ll never be able to harm anyone ever again.

The trial continues today. Unless OJ Simpson manages to implode everyones’ ribcages with his brain-rays and make his escape on the back of a jet rocket, of course. Could happen.

Hecklerspray once tried faking a heart attack.

We weren’t very good at it – all that foaming at the mouth, flailing our arms around and screeching out incomprehensible wails and grunts simply made people think that we were some sort of Pete Doherty tribute act, whereupon they either gave us a tenner to scurry off and buy a bag of heroin or just slapped us in the face repeatedly. Mainly the latter.

Still. Our attempt was, like, six million billion times better than that of Keison Wilkins. Who he? He’s the chap who, after deciding to defend himself in court, thought that the best course of action was to fake a heart attack and hope for a mistrial.

He failed.

And was sentenced to 42 years.

The only time Kelsey Grammer had previously been associated with a sense of impending doom was when people heard he was going to be an X-Man.

But that changed in Hawaii this weekend, when Frasier star Kelsey Grammer suffered a heart attack. Don’t panic, though – it was the just the normal kind of mild heart attack that you’d expect from someone with a history of cocaine and alcohol addiction, and Kelsey Grammer is currently recovering in an undisclosed hospital.

Reports that David Hyde Pierce has also had a mild heart attack that was more pernickity and gay-seeming, just to make Kelsey Grammer’s mild heart attack look more normal are rubbish. Seriously, we made them up just now.

The human body is a wonderously complex machine, but it has its limits. Fire one out of a cannon into a wall or try and ram an electric whisk up one’s bottom and you’ll end up with a criminal record and a gigantic dry cleaning bill. There are some things that the human body just doesn’t want to do.

Take Kelsey Grammer, for example – recently he signed up to star in a Tim Allen-directed comedy about crazy mental patients, and now he’s had a heart attack. Coincidence? Years of abnormally heavy wear and tear? Or was it Kelsey Grammer’s own body protesting about star in a crap-sounding Tim Allen movie? Nobody knows for sure, but it was probably the last one.

Anyway, the point is that Kelsey Grammer has suffered a mild heart attack during a visit to his holiday home in Hawaii. Apparently, though, it’s nothing enormously serious and he’ll be out of hospital by the end of the week. BBC News reports:

Frasier star Kelsey Grammer is recovering after having a mild heart attack, his spokesman has said. The 53-year-old experienced chest pains on Saturday morning while paddle-boarding in Hawaii where the actor has a second home. Spokesman Stan Rosenfield said the star was “resting comfortably” at an undisclosed hospital. The actor was with his wife off the Kona coast of Hawaii’s Big Island, when he experienced symptoms.

As dreadful as it must be for Kelsey Grammer and his family at the moment, a heart attack isn’t really that much of a surprise given some of the stuff that Grammer’s been through.

His father was shot dead by a madman when he was a child, his sister was raped and murdered, he’s had difficulties with drugs and alcohol, one of his ex-wives miscarried during a suicide attempt, he’s been accused of statuatory rape, his best friend is a 2,000 year old ghost called Alex, who teaches him about right and wrong and, perhaps most chillingly of all, he was in X-Men 3. It’s not a life many would envy.

Anyway, get well soon Kelsey Grammer. And hurry back to work - X-Men 4 won’t be the same without you. On second thoughts, you should probably just concentrate on your recovery for the next decade or so.

You wanna be in his gang? No thanks, Gary Glitter!

Not only may we be lead into one of your paedophile rings, but we may also be appropriated to suffer a shame-induced acute myocardial infarction at a mere 63 years young, just like your randy, goat-bearded self.

In fact, you and your gang can go and take a jump!

That's right folks disgraced former pop star Gary Glitter is recovering in prison hospital after a heart attack scare.

He was moved from his cell after suffering from severe diarrhoea and an irregular heartbeat, and taken to a prisoners clinic in the southern province of Binh Thuan earlier this month. He recovered from intestinal problems about a week later, but was kept in after tests showed his heartbeat was slower than normal.

You may or may not be pleased to hear that his doctor, Dr Hoa, said: 

"He is fine now. Every morning he smiles and says good morning to me when I see him." 

Dr Hoa also said that Glitter was exercising daily – in case you give a shit. Glitter was jailed in 2005 at The Duc prison in Binh Thuan, Vietnam, for molesting two girls with a combined age of 21 and is due for release this August, three months ahead of schedule, because he's been behaving himself. 

That's the spirit, Gary. Keep up the good work and maybe one day we'll consider rejoining your gang. Not!!!!

It's being reported that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here star and ex-husband of Liza Minnelli David Gest has been rushed to hospital with chest pains and respiratory problems, leading to fears that he's suffered a heart attack.

Apparently David Gest was rushed to a private London hospital early this morning, where his condition is now being described as stable. According to David Gest's spokeswoman:

"At 5.30am, David Gest was admitted to hospital, after suffering from severe chest pains and respiratory problems. David is stable and receiving the best medical attention. We are awaiting a further update from doctors."

Hopefully this means that this supposed heart attack wasn't a serious one, and that David Gest will be able to return to his job producing the inexplicable touring stage-based autobiography David Gest Is Nuts – My Life as a Musical starring Shalamar and Gloria Gaynor.

However, we can't help feeling that fate is starting to punish anyone who attended David Gest and Liza Minnelli's wedding back in 2002. First Liza Minnelli collapses and falls off a stage and now David Gest is rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack. That means it's the turn of the bridesmaids next – quick, someone call Martine McCutcheon and tell her to hide herself safely in a cupboard away from the public eye for about 70 or 80 years.

Read more:

David Gest Rushed To Hospital – Metro  

OK – Jeopardy! round one: A type of acute coronary syndrome, most frequently a manifestation of coronary artery disease, with symptoms including chest pain, shortness of breath, nausea and a feeling of impending doom.

The answer we were looking for was, of course 'what is Alex Trebek's recent heart attack?' Alex Trebek, the 67-year-old host of the American gameshow Jeopardy!, has been hospitalised after suffering a minor heart attack on Monday night, it has been announced. Don't worry, though – Alex Trebek is resting well and plans to continue his Jeopardy!-hosting duties in January, although just to play it safe Trebek has decided to delay the introduction of some new high-risk Jeopardy! categories, like Sudden Loud Noises and Red Meats Covered In Inch-Thick Coats Of Margarine That Alex Trebek Is Eating Without Chewing Properly First.

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek is a living legend, thanks to the way he's hosted the gameshow for 23 years, the subsequent Will Ferrell parodies on Saturday Night Live and the meticulous way that he oversees horse sex for profit. However, for a while on Monday night Alex Trebek's status was temporarily downgraded from 'living legend' to 'touch-and-go legend'.

That's because Alex Trebek had a heart attack in his Los Angeles home on Monday. It's not known what caused Trebek's heart attack – the smart money is on a combination of frustration from everyone spelling his name with a 'ck' and his heart just losing the will to live after having to repeat "in the form of a question, please" 10,000 times a day for 23 years straight.

However, it's been revealed that Alex Trebek's heart attack was only minor and that he's currently resting comfortably in LA's Cedars Sinai Medical Centre. On the heart attack league table, that puts Trebek somewhere between Mike Reid (fatal) and Bobby Brown (weirdly denied). A spokesperson for Jeopardy! gave the following statement:

"He is resting comfortably in a Los Angeles hospital, and plans to resume taping 'Jeopardy!' in January."

So Alex Trebek is going to be OK. That's bound to be a huge relief for all the millions of Alec Trebek fans around the world, and slightly less good news for Rosie O'Donnell because she probably thought she was in with a chance of scoring the Jeopardy! hosting gig for a minute or two yesterday.

Read more:

Alex Trebek of "Jeopardy!" has heart attack - Reuters