It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.
We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.
Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.
Bryan Ferry made some fine, fine records with Roxy Music didn’t he? If you leave it at that, he’s a good bloke. Look at some of his personal views and all that goodwill ebbs away into the ether while your knuckles whiten with rage.
Nothing is worse than his cover version of ‘Jealous Guy’ though. Well, maybe his fox-hunting, throwing stuff around parliament son, is.
Whatever. Fact is, because we really like Roxy Music, we’re going to cut him some slack and cooh and him being admitted to hospital last night with reports saying that the singer is “seriously ill”.
It doesn’t matter that you’re as hard as nails and have shown yourself to be quite the dancer in the background of one scene in Breakdance: The Movie, your heart can still batter you in a fight. Of course, we’re talking figuratively here about action-flick legend Jean-Claude Van Damme having a heart attack.
The Muscles from Brussels was reportedly hospitalized in New Orleans after suffering a heart attack the day after his 50th birthday.
What was his birthday cake made of? Steroids and butter? Read More >>>
There’s only one thing keeping us interested in the OJ Simpson trial, you know – and that’s good old fashioned acute myocardial infarction.
Just a few days after one witness in the OJ Simpson trial called a halt to proceedings because he was too busy clutching his chest and gasping for air, another witness has decided to blame everything on his dodgy heart, too. OJ Simpson’s co-defendant Charles Ehrlich says that he can’t really remember the Las Vegas hotel room raid in much detail because he’s had a couple of heart attacks and they’ve made him all forgetful.
Whoever came up with this heart attack idea is a genius, because now we don’t know what the hell’s going on at all. Except for one thing – if OJ Simpson really wants to be found innocent, he should be sure to slowly cough his own heart up and out into his hands if he ever has to testify. It’s probably the only way.
Every good trial needs a breakout star, and in the case of the OJ Simpson armed robbery trial we’re pretty sure that star is Bruce Fromong.
Bruce Fromong became the headline attraction of the OJ Simpson trial on Monday, when it looked as if his heart was literally going to explode in his chest during his testimony. But yesterday Bruce Fromong got to do exactly what he came to do – testify against OJ Simpson by contradicting himself as many times as humanly possible.
According to Bruce Fromong, he wasn’t scared when OJ Simpson burst into his hotel room, but he did fear for his life. Also, although he wasn’t trying to profit from his OJ Simpson memorabilia, he did want to make big money from it. Keep this up and Bruce Fromong’s going to end up as the world’s favourite feeble-hearted flip-flopping uncle.
This OJ Simpson trial is boring – no witnesses have even stopped their testimonies to clutch their chest in fear of an impending heart attack yet.
What’s that? They have? In fact, one of the first witnesses in the entire OJ Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping trial clutched his chest in the middle of his testimony thinking he was going to have a heart attack because that’s how scary even the thought of OJ Simpson is to him? Oh, right, sorry.
However, this seems like a massive misstep on the part of the prosecutors. Deploying the witness with the weakest heart at the start of the OJ Simpson trial? The jury’s bound to forget about that when it comes to deliberation time. Either the prosecutors have blown their big chance to convict OJ Simpson or there’s another star witness who’ll come on at the end, spontaneously combust, pop his eyeballs out and poo fire. We’ll just have to wait and see.
We weren’t very good at it – all that foaming at the mouth, flailing our arms around and screeching out incomprehensible wails and grunts simply made people think that we were some sort of Pete Doherty tribute act, whereupon they either gave us a tenner to scurry off and buy a bag of heroin or just slapped us in the face repeatedly. Mainly the latter.
Still. Our attempt was, like, six million billion times better than that of Keison Wilkins. Who he? He’s the chap who, after deciding to defend himself in court, thought that the best course of action was to fake a heart attack and hope for a mistrial.
The only time Kelsey Grammer had previously been associated with a sense of impending doom was when people heard he was going to be an X-Man.
But that changed in Hawaii this weekend, when Frasier star Kelsey Grammer suffered a heart attack. Don’t panic, though – it was the just the normal kind of mild heart attack that you’d expect from someone with a history of cocaine and alcohol addiction, and Kelsey Grammer is currently recovering in an undisclosed hospital.
Reports that David Hyde Pierce has also had a mild heart attack that was more pernickity and gay-seeming, just to make Kelsey Grammer’s mild heart attack look more normal are rubbish. Seriously, we made them up just now.
You wanna be in his gang? No thanks, Gary Glitter! Not only may we be lead into one of your paedophile rings, but we may also be appropriated to suffer a shame-induced acute myocardial infarction at a mere 63 years young, just like your randy, goat-bearded self. In fact, you and your gang can go [...]
It’s being reported that I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here star and ex-husband of Liza Minnelli David Gest has been rushed to hospital with chest pains and respiratory problems, leading to fears that he’s suffered a heart attack.
Apparently David Gest was rushed to a private London hospital early this morning, where his condition is now being described as stable. According to David Gest’s spokeswoman:
“At 5.30am, David Gest was admitted to hospital, after suffering from severe chest pains and respiratory problems. David is stable and receiving the best medical attention. We are awaiting a further update from doctors.”
Hopefully this means that this supposed heart attack wasn’t a serious one, and that David Gest will be able to return to his job producing the inexplicable touring stage-based autobiography David Gest Is Nuts – My Life as a Musical starring Shalamar and Gloria Gaynor.
However, we can’t help feeling that fate is starting to punish anyone who attended David Gest and Liza Minnelli’s wedding back in 2002. First Liza Minnelli collapses and falls off a stage and now David Gest is rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack. That means it’s the turn of the bridesmaids next – quick, someone call Martine McCutcheon and tell her to hide herself safely in a cupboard away from the public eye for about 70 or 80 years.
It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.
