hearing - HecklerSpray

Yay! Here’s Another Denise Richards/ Charlie Sheen Spaz-Out

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

By our calculations it’s been three seconds since Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen last had a humiliating wibble in public.

And that means, you guessed it, it’s time for another one. And this one is serious! Denise Richards has trotted off to court to request an emergency order restricting Charlie Sheen’s access to their children. According to Denise Richards, there’s a serious issue in Charlie Sheen’s home that could have an adverse effect on the children.

Since this is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about, we’ve whittled the possible causes for concern down to a) whores, b) drugs or c) DVD copies of Two And A Half Men. For the children’s sake we can only pray that it’s not the latter. They’re just children, for crying out loud.

Foxy Brown A Bit Deaf Again, Nobody Cares

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It must be awful being deaf in jail – if ever a yell of "Jailbreak!" went up, you'd just carry on sewing mailbags oblivious to all the fun.

And that's what scares Foxy Brown the most. Still in jail, Foxy Brown has requested to go to California to have her cochlear implant examined and possibly repaired before it causes serious permanent damage to her hearing.

And, naturally, judge Justice Melissa Jackson told her to eff off. We'd like to see her be that brave next time she gets with Foxy Brown's hair-pulling range.

Britney Spears Does That ‘Not Showing Up’ Thing Again

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hello, and welcome to the billionth edition of Britney Spears Does A Lot Of Dumb Shit That Couldn't Possibly Make A Jot Sense To Anyone, Not Even An Idiot Or A Child.

Today: Britney Spears goes to court to get her kids back but forgets to actually go all the way into the courtroom. Again.

Honestly, this stuff better be entertaining for Britney Spears, because it's starting to drain our will to live.

Britney Spears Needs To Go To Court Today… Or Else

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Regaining custody is fourth on Britney Spears' agenda right now, after finding her marbles, tightening her screws and trying to keep out of the booby hatch.

However, if Britney Spears is serious about clawing at least some semblance of custody back after her recent episode, she should probably listen to the advice telling her to show up to a court hearing today. Britney Spears has been warned that this could be her last chance at gaining visitation rights.

However, Britney Spears is so unlikely to show her face in court today that we'll get our arses out on the internet if she does.*

R Kelly Misses His Child Porn Date In Court

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This R Kelly child porn sex-tape kerfuffle has rattled on for so long that the child in question is now a 93-year-old great-grandmother with an irrational phobia of urine, and yet still it shows no sign of concluding.

That's partly because R Kelly keeps successfully managing to push court dates further and further back every time things start to look serious for him – but no longer, because if R Kelly doesn't turn up to court in the next 90 minutes, he's going to be arrested. R Kelly was due to appear in court in Chicago yesterday, you see, but he failed to show up because his tour bus was crocked first by snow and then by a slightly overzealous group of Utah police officers. Hopefully, though, this threat of arrest will force R Kelly to show up in court once and for all, where he'll do the decent thing and get his child porn trial pushed back a couple of years again.

Shia LaBeouf’s Trespassing Charges Dropped Forever

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Up until very recently, Transformers star and full-time adorable man-puppy Shia LaBeouf was in a whole lot of trouble for trespassing.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested in a Chicago branch of Walgreens last month for appearing drunk and not leaving when a security guard asked him to – but all that trouble is far behind him now. Less than one minute after his hearing started earlier today, Shia LaBeouf quickly found out that Walgreens had written the court a letter wanting to drop the charges against him. Nobody knows what cause Walgreen's sudden change of heart, but it's thought that the key phrase from the letter was "Oh, how could I ever stay mad at an adorable face like yours? Ubba dubba dubba. Ubba dubba dubba. Ubba dubba dubba dubba dubba."

OJ Simpson Gets A Proper Jail-Facing Trial

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The world has changed since OJ Simpson last stood trial for anything – back then the internet didn't exist, all food tasted like wood shavings and a knife was the most technologically-advanced weapon you could stab people to death with.

But this time, wow. The judge presiding over OJ Simpson's preliminary hearing has ruled that there is more than enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his part in September's supposed armed robbery in Las Vegas. That means that OJ Simpson will have to adjust to being the centrepiece of a blazingly high-profile trial in the 21st century, with all its trappings. OJ Simpson's trial is set to begin in 2008, when you'll be able to stab someone to death with a remote-controlled nanobot and buy food that tastes like anything up to three different types of wood shavings. Sadly, though, the internet still doesn't exist, which means you're imagining all this and should probably get your brain checked out.

OJ Simpson’s Shit-Stealing Court Case Begins

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

To the uninitiated, OJ Simpson's current legal woe might seem inordinately complex – he stole some shit from some men, but only because he said the men had stolen shit from him, meaning that OJ Simpson was merely recovering shit.

Oh, it's so confusing that we think we need a lie down. Luckily it's not for us to make sense of OJ Simpson's alleged shit-stealing escapades, because that's for courts and lawyers and judges and whatnot to decide. Which is more or less what's happening now – a hearing began yesterday to decide whether there's enough evidence to take OJ Simpson to trial on all 12 of his charges. And if a trial does go ahead it's expected to be the biggest shit-based trial starring an unconvincingly innocent murder-suspect the world has ever seen.

Probably. It's not like we've researched it or anything.