Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Apart from the myriad of famous people, the insane volumes of high quality Class A drugs, the alcoholism, casting couches, gangster dollars, movie productions and deviant sexual tastes, Hollywood is a bit of a snoozefest isn’t it?
NOT NOW!
See, there’s a massive investigation under way in LA after two dogs found a human head in a plastic bag next to the Hollywood sign! And of course, because only celebrities live in Hollywood, everyone who has ever been in a film is now very much a suspect!
December 26th of every year hecklerspray starts compiling its Christmas list for the next holiday season.
Thus far our 2008 compilation consists of things like a baby dolphin, a man-servant to drag said dolphin around and help make our parents jealous, and a life-size bust of George Michael‘s head made completely out of gold, diamonds and a deliciously nougatty center.
We’re 90% sure there’s a baby dolphin in a box under our mother’s bed, and we’ve noticed someone put man-servant.com on our internet browser’s favorites list, so we really think our first two examples are covered. As far as the gold and diamond Michael bust goes though – we’re quickly losing hope. The singer himself is said to be ordering the only one available.
It’s a good idea if you think about it though, because the statue can sit at the steering wheel with its eyes propped way open if he wanted another boozy parked car pass-out. That’ll mean less tickets.
David Blaine’s big new stunt – the one where he hangs upside down for a while and then stops and goes home – is fully underway in New York.
And it seems to be a case of so far so dull because despite what all those elaborately-named doctors seemed to think yesterday, David Blaine hasn’t gone blind yet. Nor has blood started seeping from his tear ducts. He hasn’t even coughed up a single internal organ yet. David Blaine is rubbish. We want our money back.
Or maybe we should wait a while, because David Blaine has revealed that being upside down makes him think that his “head’s about to explode.” Yeah, well that’s nothing. We once ate three bunches of grapes in one go and it made us feel like our bum was going to explode, but you don’t hear us banging on about it, do you?
Note to self: Never, ever say anything bad about people from Liverpool.
Because if you do end up saying something bad about people from Liverpool, people from Liverpool will literally cut your head off. It’s true – they’ve just cut Ringo Starr‘s head off.
Alright, at this point we should probably point out that it was only the topiary head of a topiary Ringo Starr that was chopped off, thanks to some vaguely anti-Liverpool comments Ringo made in January. But it’s still a shock, because the topiary Ringo Starr was about five or six times better at singing and drumming than the flesh and blood one.
There's something we've missed since Lindsay Lohan got clean and left rehab, apart from all the shrieking and the cocaine-trousered DUI arrests, obviously.
And that's that Lindsay Lohan just doesn't give as many boneheaded magazine interviews that show a total absence of any self-awareness these days. But at least she knows about it, and she's trying to do something about it.
In her first post-rehab interview, Lindsay Lohan has said that most people thinks she doesn't know where her head is even though actually she does. Sigh. That's good crackpot Lindsay Lohan, but not great crackpot Lindsay Lohan.
The Cannes Film Festival is the most famous film festival in the world, where every year a jury chooses a film that nobody has seen and says how much better it is than all the films you've seen put together.
And this year the Cannes Film Festival is going to be extra special because the head of the Cannes jury has been announced as Sean Penn. As one of the most respected actors and directors working in Hollywood today, Sean Penn's appointment will mean that the movie he awards his prize to will get an even bigger publicity boost than usual. It also means that anyone who's recently made a movie that's funny, uplifting, deft or about anything other than how terrible the Iraq war is should probably stay at home this year because they ain't winning jack.
