Oh this is terrible news. Terrible news. Remember that 2008 film Jumper, about time travel or whatever?
No? Us neither, actually. Well, it was the film that was destined to go down in history as the film that brought Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen together. What? You didn’t know that Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen were together? Us neither, actually. But they were.
But they’re not now. It’s been reported that Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen have broken off their engagement and decided to split up forever. It’s not known what prompted the split, but chances are it was because each one kept forgetting that the other one existed. We’d do that all the time if we were either of them, whatever their names are.
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If you saw the movie Jumper, you may have thought you were watching a hopeless, badly-realised bag of terrible sci-fi dung.
But you weren’t. You were actually watching the first flush of attraction between Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen. So you didn’t depress yourself by paying to watch two hours of gormless pap for nothing. Well, you did, but it made Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen happy.
And now Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We say ‘now’ but they actually got engaged in December. It’s not that nobody cares about Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen, it’s… wait. It is that nobody cares. Our mistake.
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You've probably seen trailers for Jumper – the new dimension-leaping movie starring Darth Vader and Billy Elliot – and you've probably decided not to go and see it because it looks hopeless.
But ask yourself this: would you have gone to see Jumper if the Hayden Christensen role was played by Eminem?
No. No you probably wouldn't. But that didn't stop Eminem from having discussions with director Doug Liman about starring as the lead in Jumper in the preproduction stages. Although it's impossible to tell what Jumper would have been like if it had Eminem in it, we're guessing that it probably would have been reset in Detroit and been about a plucky wannabe rapper instead of Darth Vader driving buses through a desert.
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Oh this is terrible news. Terrible news. Remember that 2008 film Jumper, about time travel or whatever?
