hate - HecklerSpray

Justin Bieber Talks Directly To God (Or, If You Prefer, To Himself)

January 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Justin Bieber talks directly to God. Justin Bieber also thinks that “rape happens for a reason” as well. That invariably means we shouldn’t trust a vowel that dribbles out of that tiny week-old mouth of his.

He’s Canadian too. They’re all like Americans without the whole ‘inventing rock ‘n’ roll’ thing.

Anyway, Justin Bieber likes talking to the ether and pretending that God talks back to him. Presumably God advised that Bieber got a tattoo on his leg of Jesus. Sadly, God didn’t tell him to go to a decent tattoo parlour and JB is left with an image of what appears to be the lead singer of Nickelback on his calf.

Justin Bieber’s Grandparents Nearly Dead

December 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

If there’s one thing worse than a bad thing happening to a celebrity, it’s a bad thing happening to a non-celebrity that is in some way related to a celebrity. Take for example, the dreadful news that Justin Bieber’s grandparents are nearly dead.

You’ll be forgiven for thinking ‘all grandparents are nearly dead’, but you must remember that Bieber is a matter of hours old. So young is JB that his grandparents could justifiably be 23 years old or something.

No. They’re nearly dead because they’ve been in a car crash. This can only mean one thing…

Justin Bieber?s Baby Haver Still Won?t Give Up Her Fight

December 22nd, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Spare a thought for Justin Bieber this Christmas won't you? It's not because he's can't reach high shelves and get to his presents early. Instead, he's still got mentalist stalker Mariah Yeater claiming that he leaked some sperm inside of her and created a baby.

Instead of this matter being kept private due to its libel claim, it's great to know that Mariah Yeater has become something of a minor celebrity out of the whole ordeal. With various magazine and TV interviews, the money Yeater received will probably be used to pay damages towards Bieber when the negative result comes back on the DNA test.

Even though there are more holes in Mariah Yeater?s story than a blind cowboy, she's back again to protest how she's the innocent victim in all of this. Tristyn , the stupidly named child in question will be able to tell all its classmates in the future that he has a mentalist for a mother. We should say ‘allegedly’ now. Allegedly at absolutely everything.

Justin Bieber Wants His Child Fans To Know That Father Christmas Doesn’t Exist

December 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Justin Bieber fans! Beliebers! Are you looking forward to Christmas? Are you? Have you been good this year? Are you hoping Father Christmas brings you Justin’s Christmas album to you on Christmas Day?

He won’t. He definitely won’t. Not a rat-in-an-arse’s chance kiddo!

That’s because Santa isn’t real. Yep. Big shock to us too. Who spoiled every Christmas, forever? Why, if it isn’t Bieber himself, who wants us all to know that the Yuletide period is one long sham. How appalling. Apparently, it’s all his stupid mother’s fault.

Justin Bieber Definitely Not The Father Of That Kid Says Entirely Trustworthy Source From His Prison Cell ? Beyond Satire

December 16th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

It seems years ago Mariah Yeater made the unbelieble (!) claim that Justin Bieber had spaffed a viable sperm into her vulva resulting in a tiny little yodelling girl/boy-child growing in her womb when, to look at him, you couldn't imagine he'd progressed as far as having sex with Lady Palm and her five inexperienced clammy sisters.

There's been paternity tests and no-one?s known what to think until convicted criminal, current resident of the Big House, Mariah Yeater?s ex and beacon of truth Robert Powell (not that one) has revealed that actually HE is the father.

Yes really.

Selena Gomez Stalker Asks For Permanent Restraining Order ? Amazing Scenes

December 15th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

Stalkers of genuinely interesting people who warrant obsessive behaviour were thought to be applauding the actions of Thomas Brodnicki last night, as the aforementioned botherer of Selena Gomez asked for permanent, legally-binding non-contact with a woman few people have actually heard of.

There had apparently been genuine fear amongst the terrifying community of medicated borderline-schizophrenics that their actions would be belittled if someone were to grab headlines for stalking somebody virtually-unknown.

Fortunately Thomas has recently requested that the temporary restraining order granted against him last year be extended indefinitely, presumably to prevent him from the further embarrassment of pestering someone non-famous as all his mental friends mock him with infra-red images of the inside of Angelina Jolie?s house and long-lens footage of Daniel Craig tea-bagging Rachel Weisz. We imagine.

Mariah Yeater Likes To Take Drugs Infront Of Kids Supposedly

December 6th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Don't recognise the name of the person in the article heading? Don't worry, most people don't either. It's only when you mention that she's the alleged bearer of Justin Bieber?s child that causes people?s ears to prick up.

In a strange way, we kinda like this paternity situation because Bieber went totally badass on her. He must have grown some balls or at last spouted a few pubes as he has promises to sue her for spreading these rumours.

Alas, the DNA test seems to be taking bloody ages to come back, which seems odd. We wouldn't have thought that a few samples of a spit could take so long to analyse, especially given that Bieber is hardly old enough to have formed that much DNA. If they were British, they?d have the results fairly rapidly thanks to Jeremy Kyle. He can do them in 20 minutes, like developing Polaroids. Assuming that Bieber was able to maintain and use and erection, he will be thrilled to hear that his bundle of baby is allegedly living with a mother who takes drugs. Shock! Horror!

Girl Who Says She’s Had Bieber’s Baby Has Ex Shouting ‘It’s Mine’ Like He Wants To Pay Child Support Or Something

November 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

When a baby is born via parents no longer together, it isn’t uncommon for a Jerry Springer style argument to develop, with penis owners shouting ‘Well, it ain’t mine that’s for sure, you womanly leech!’

Justin Bieber is no different, looking at the whole situation and shrugging ‘I haven’t even met the girl! No way. Nuh-uh.‘

Apart from, that is, the ex-boyfriend of Justin Bieber’s alleged baby harvester, Mariah Yeater, who has NO DOUBT IN HIS MIND AT ALL (apart from the vague doubts in his mind) that the baby is his and, he so certain, he wants to take a DNA test to prove it. Roll on child support payments from whoever!

Mariah Yeater Wants Justin Bieber To Take Another DNA Test Just To See If He Has Any

November 24th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You know the woman who said Justin Bieber rode her for 30 seconds backstage at one of his gigs, and as a result, popped out a small baby? Well, Mariah Yeater is at it again, asking for more of Justin’s DNA.

Presumably, the first DNA test came back with a report noting that Bieber was too young to have even developed any.

However, now he’s grown some finger nails and the fontanelle has started to harden on his famous head, she’s asking for another test. Maybe she’s going to swipe it and clone him because she’s mental or something? You’d have to be to willingly tell the world you’d had sex with a superstar infant with a face like a boiled kneecap.

Bieber’s Baby Is Back For Round 2

November 17th, 2011 By Kris Silver

STOP THE PRESSES! The Bieber baby drama may not be quite as dead as we all thought.

Jeffrey Leving, the lawyer representing Bieber?s baby momma, Mariah Yeater, has come out and said that the DNA test is still on! Meaning there's still a chance that Justin really was bustin? to get freaky with the single mother.

So forget everything we said yesterday, IT’S BACK ON BITCHES!