Diversify or Die?

Folded

• Become a Spy! – Seriously…
• The Killing – Having a hard time working it out? Well, no longer with this handy guide which will help you through the colloquialisms and references. Perhaps you might want to move to Denmark by the end of it as you’ll be such an aficionado of the culture.
• Hasselhoff Is Off - No more Hoff Hassling on Britain’s Got Talent. The unfortunate trade-off of which being that Simon Cowell is coming back. Lock up Sinitta!
• Could Clarkson Get Sacked? – Regardless of your opinion about his comments on The One Show (shame on you for watching it, by the way), the idea that he could get sacked will come as good news to anyone who wants to see him presenting his own version of The Wright Stuff on Channel 5. What would it be called? Answers on a postcard…
• Abraham Lincoln – No, we’re not just really behind the times with this but those in the UK should have a look at this reappraisal of the man. It makes you question the very fabric of everything we know about America. Or does it? Seriously, watch it and find out for yourself you lazy sod.

Creased

• Star Wars Prequels – They could have been so much better.
• Tory Council – WE WILL NOT ASSOCIATE WITH EUROPE!
• RBS - Hang on, they owned a pub chain?!
• A Green Day Musical – Sure, we didn’t mind it existing but now it’s coming to the UK? This must not be allowed.
• The Passing of Gary Speed – Much as it isn’t our place to comment, the passing of a bona fide footballing legend is always something that will completely and utterly creased.

You know, being a celebrity is not it's all cracked up to be.

We may see the fast cars, huge mansions and endless parties as something to envy. But at least when us 'civilians' are caught on camera making a fool of ourselves when drunk, we only have to bear the taunts of our friends. Unless, of course, some clever bastard has put the images on Facebook. But that's a whole other story.

You see, it could be worse – you could be a celebrity. Yes, they may lead a life of luxury, but they are only human beings after all. No, really. So if they're caught on camera making a drunken tit of themselves, the whole world has an opinion.

Some publishers will mock, others will be morally outraged, while some, even worse, would just ignore it.And even when you think it's died down, some website or TV programme does one of those annoying top 10s. Bastards!

10. Kate Moss and Pete Doherty

It's a very touching moment as Pete sings to his former girlfriend. Makes you proud to be British. The only surprising thing is he looks quite sober compared to her.

9. Paris Hilton

The other Paris Hilton video.

8. Serge Gainsbourg

Now, we're pretty sure that Serge Gainsbourg has had sex with just about every woman on the planet. The randy French singer has probably had sex with you – you just didn't realise. So, when he decides to try it on with a young Whitney Houston before her slide into hell with Bobby Brown, the results are hilarious. We can only assume he had a few clarets before going on this French chat show, but then again, maybe not.

7. Boris Yeltsin

If only all word leaders acted like the late Russian premier Boris Yeltsin. The planet would be an all-round funnier place to be. George Bush vomiting into Condoleezza Rice's lap at a televised cabinet meeting, Gordon Brown and David Cameron trading blows in the House of Commons. The only problem here was which clip to use, so we used them all.

6. Oliver Reed

Ratings for chat shows must have rocketed whenever it was announced Oliver Reed was going to be on it. You could almost guarantee some sort of car crash TV moment. Once again, this was simply a case of trying to narrow this down to one clip. So we just used them all.

5. Danny DeVito

The View is a morning TV programme and Danny DeVito turns up hammered after a night on the tiles with George Clooney. Very funny.

4. Britney Spears

Compared to recent events, this is really quite tame. But funny, nonetheless. Britney apparently has no idea she is being filmed.

3. Paula Abdul
Blame it in on a cheerleading accident she suffered at 17 or an alien abduction (she really claims this), but don't ever say she was drunk. Check out the wild look in her eyes.

2. Ben Affleck

Forget the fact that Affleck virtually tries to rape this poor Canadian TV presenter, it's his Pepe Le Pew accent that makes this clip. "Zeez breasts are suspiciously firm."


1. David Hasselhoff
The Hoff foolishly asked his daughter to film him the next time he got drunk. She did just that, and somehow the video went worldwide. No words could do this justice.