Ah, Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Theatrical Woman Of The Year award. What an illustrious tradition that is.
It has it all. Braying, over-privileged idiots. Transvestism. Sycophantic brown-nosing disguised as critical ridicule. Toe-curling awkwardness around women. Not much else. Yes, the Harvard Hasty Pudding Theatrical Woman Of The Year award has it all.
And this year the award went to Anne Hathaway, who doesn’t even have a film to plug or anything. Except for the one that’s coming out in two weeks. And the one that’s coming out in five weeks. Nope, Anne Hathaway is doing this for love and love alone.
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JK Rowling has captured the imagination of the young, and every now and again she puts cigarettes out on its arm until it tells her how to get richer.
This makes JK Rowling the most uniquely qualified person on the face of the earth to speak at Harvard University’s spring commencement yesterday. For only JK Rowling can fill those students’ young hearts with the hope that they too can one day rip off the Narnia books and make a sodding fortune out of it.
In her spring commencement speech, JK Rowling told the Harvard students not to fear failure, that they should never let go of their imagination and that real strength of character comes through adversity – proof that if her money ever runs out, JK Rowling has a lucrative future writing inserts for those horrible aspirational greetings cards that only creepy friendless wimps buy.
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Paris Hilton is no stranger to prizes – in her life she's won everything from the Most Pointless Wonky-Eyed Skinbag award to a statuette for Best Internet Blowjob (Wonky-Eyes Class).
But now Paris Hilton gets to add an award to that list that actually exists – yesterday Paris was officially crowned as the Harvard Lampoon's Woman Of The Year.
And, really, Paris Hilton winning an award at Harvard sends an undeniably positive message to the women of the world – that they can accomplish anything they put their mind to in life, provided they've got a billionaire grandfather, a month-long jail sentence under their belt and a tendency to suck men off and film it for the internet.
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Forget the Oscars and the Grammys and the Golden Globes – they're all rubbish, largely because Paris Hilton won't ever win any of them.
Where it's at now, kids, is the Harvard University Woman Of The Year award, because – other than the inaugural Dozy Wonk-Eyed Slapper gala set for later this spring – it's just about the only award that Paris Hilton will get this year.
No, really, Paris Hilton is going to get a Woman Of The Year award. We're not making this up. Promise.
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Ah, Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Theatrical Woman Of The Year award. What an illustrious tradition that is.
