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Harry Potter

Hari Puttar Not Coming Your Way If Warner Bros Has Its Say

by Matthew Laidlow

Over the years, there have been thousands of rubbish fan versions of Harry Potter as they try to plug the void until JK Rowling scribbles another book.

The amusing for five seconds Harry Pothead series was a hit with morons everywhere, and recently an independent encyclopedia detailing all the characters, spells and abuse suffered by pupils from Dumbledore was due for release.

So imagine Warner Brothers’ delight when it found out about an up and coming film called Hari Puttar. Their lawyers cast some magic spells immediately to stop the film being released.

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Quantum of Solace Pushed Back a Week, and It’s All Harry Potter’s Fault

by Ian Dransfield

Harry Potter has a lot to answer for – now he’s magically caused Quantum of Solace to be pushed back. Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company’s decision to move the new Harry Potter film [...]

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Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis Pushed Harry Potter Back Eight Months

by Ian Dransfield

Daniel Radcliffe may well be the face of Harry Potter, but he’s already made great headway towards getting away from being pigeonholed. The way he went about this was to go on stage and get his penis out. It’s a classic technique, and one we’ve surely all practiced at some point in our lives. If [...]

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Harry Potter and the Legions of Disappointed Idiots

by Ian Dransfield

If you’re an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of books as one of your favourites then you likely need to be shot. In the face. If you’re an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of films as one of your favourites then you need to be fired. From a cannon. Into the [...]

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JK Rowling Bashes Out New Harry Potter Story

by Stuart Heritage

It must have been such a relief for JK Rowling when she finished the last Harry Potter book, because it meant she could focus on what’s really important to her – which, it turns out, is Harry Potter.

Not content with the book of Harry Potter fairy tales she recently wrote, or the Harry Potter encyclopedia she’s working on now, JK Rowling has found the time to write a prequel to the Harry Potter books, set before Harry first went to Hogwarts.

However, there’s only one copy of this 800-word Harry Potter prequel and it’s going to be auctioned for charity, so hardly anyone will be able to read it. But the rest of you shouldn’t worry – give it a year and Warner Bros will have bought the rights and padded it out into a brand new nine-hour movie trilogy. In space.

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Harry Potter Case: JK Rowling Goes Out With A Bang

by Stuart Heritage

The copyright lawsuit between JK Rowling and The Harry Potter Lexicon finished yesterday, but don’t think you can go back to not giving a stuff about it again.

As you remember, JK Rowling claims that The Harry Potter Lexicon unfairly and illegally plagiarises the Harry Potter novels, while the makers of The Harry Potter Lexicon just claim that it’s nothing more than a reference book. And now the case has concluded.

However, we won’t know if JK Rowling or The Harry Potter Lexicon author Steven Vander Ark will win yet, because the judge needs to go away and think about it. And he won’t do that until both JK Rowling and Steven Vander Ark have submitted written summations of their arguments to him. We’re just guessing here, but we’d assume that Vander Ark’s summation is going to be identical to Rowling’s, but with a couple of words changed and cheaper-looking artwork.

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JK Rowling: That Unauthorised Harry Potter Book Is ‘Theft’

by Stuart Heritage

As if yesterday’s thrilling installment of That Court Case Where JK Rowling Gets Upset Because Someone Else Wrote A Harry Potter Book wasn’t enthralling enough, there’s more.

That’s because yesterday JK Rowling made it into court to speak about her outrage that a third-party Harry Potter reference book, The Lexicon Of Harry Potter, was being published without her say-so.

“We all know I’ve made enough money. That’s absolutely not why I’m here,” JK Rowling told the courtroom. And that sounds fair – quite often the mega-wealthy lose the thrill of making money and replace it with a new interest. Bill Gates has his epic philanthropic organisation, for example, and JK Rowling now has crushing the dreams of people who aren’t as rich as her.

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JK Rowling Vs Harry Potter Book: Let The Dull Legal Battle Commence!

by Stuart Heritage

JK Rowling knows everything there is about Harry Potter – her brain is literally a soggy, pulsating Harry Potter encyclopedia.

And JK Rowling wants to pass on her unbeatable knowledge of Harry Potter to the fans by cutting the top of her skull off, smooshing her brain into a billion tiny globs and selling them on to Harry Potter fans for a million pounds each. Or she wants to write a Harry Potter encyclopedia and sell that instead. We forget which.

Anyway, a new third party Harry Potter encyclopedia that’s coming out soon has got JK Rowling worried – not only will it scupper sales of the official JK Rowling-written encyclopedia, but it’ll also be an inferior product because it won’t make JK Rowling any money. Anyway, JK Rowling’s great big lawsuit has begun. And it’s either really exciting or quite dull. We forget which.

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Harry Potter To Unleash His Naked Penis Across America

by Stuart Heritage

Americans know how they like their child-stars – naked and terrified of the malevolent horse-gods they’re also sexually aroused by.

So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe – who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star – has announced that he’s taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September.

Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions ofvoyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright – the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?

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JK Rowling All Narky About Other Harry Potter Books

by Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter has made JK Rowling richer than her wildest dreams – but if you try to make money out of Harry Potter, JK Rowling will crush you in her mighty fist.

Harry Potter fan Steven Vander Ark is slowly coming to realise this, because he’s trying to publish a third-party Harry Potter reference book, Harry Potter Lexicon, and JK Rowling is doing her best to sue his balls off about it.

It just goes to show that JK Rowling won’t allow any unauthorised Harry Potter merchandise to hit the shops. But, hey, that doesn’t mean you have to tell her about that container of shoddy Far-Eastern lead-painted Dobby The House Elf choking aids that we’ve just had shipped into the country, OK?

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