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Harry Potter

Rupert Grint’s Genitals Bravely Cast In New Film

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray spent its formative years living on a nude-ranch. It had its pros and cons. On the plus side the people were nice, the weather was warm, and in our later teen years we could still ring doorbells even when our hands were full.

On the down side, if you forgot to cover up while the shot-puttin’ paper boy road past you risked getting very tiny cuts in very sensitive places. Oh the memories. While we’re on the topic you should know it was in a nude-theatre that we first took in that Harry Potter film.

We should probably recommend that place to Rupert Grint, him apparently being a recently converted nudist and all.

Oh you read that right.

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Emma Watson Wants To Get Naked Really Jolly Soon

by Stuart Heritage

When Emma Watson made her first Harry Potter movie, she was just a helpless slip of a girl. But now? Now Emma Watson is a woman, with a woman’s body.

Yes, now she’s all grown up, Emma Watson is proud woman in possession of a full set of boobs and, if we hear correctly, a properly-functioning bottom. And she’d like nothing more than to show you.

Observing Daniel Radcliffe’s critical acclaim after appearing nude in Equus, Emma Watson has decided that she’d quite like to get naked, too. But only if it’s artistic and integral to the plot. Or slapdash and gratuitous. She’s not really bothered.

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People In ‘Buying A JK Rowling Book’ Shocker

by Stuart Heritage

We’re not heroin addicts, but if we were – and heroin was made of books about rubbish schoolboy wizards – we’d be screwed.

Because if that was true, then JK Rowling would be our dealer. And Rowling is a mean dealer, too – she’s been withholding our supply, probably until we break down and agree to let her become our pimp or something – but yesterday JK Rowling threw us a lifeline.

Because yesterday JK Rowling released her new book The Tales Of Beedle The Bard – kind of like the methadone to Harry Potter’s hardcore skag – and somewhat predictably it instantly became a bestseller.

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JK Rowling Writes A Book About, Oh, You Guessed

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since the last Harry Potter book came out, there’s been a lack of shamefaced adults reading kid’s books on the tube.

And that’s because now everyone’s reading Twilight instead, despite the fact that reading a staunchly conservative abstinence manifesto dressed up as a slushy emo romance fantasy in front of other adults is far worse than reading Harry Potter.

So hooray for JK Rowling, who tomorrow releases her new Harry Potter spin-off book The Tales of Beedle the Bard, either for charity or to help us identify idiots more easily on the tube. Merry Christmas to you too, JK!

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JK Rowling Earns £5 Every Second, Also Global Resentment

by Stuart Heritage

You know that time you had a protracted two-hour argument with your girlfriend about the hoovering? JK Rowling earnt £36,000 during that.

And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It’s just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second.

So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.

You know that time you had a protracted two-hour argument with your girlfriend about the hoovering? JK Rowling earnt £36,000 during that. And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It's just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second. So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.
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Next Harry Potter Film To 3D Itself All Over Your Face

by Shawn Lindseth

The world is a dark place filled with war, famine, and way too much pesticide.

Also it has that poisoned Chinese milk flowing all over the place like the mighty river of zebra blood that’s always babblin’ across the Serengeti.

You see where we’re going with this.

And to top it all off JK Rowling & Co have delicately decided to push back the next Harry Potter movie a decade or something – despite us having already promised dozens of starving orphans front row seats at a November premiere. It makes it look like we’ve gone back on our word – and that’s something we almost never don’t do.

What seems to be internetting about the globe as good news, however, is that the next Potter film is going to be jam packed with a marvelous 25 minutes of undeniable 3D. It’s thought to look so good that when Harry stabs out the eye of that unicorn – everybody watching will duck.

Now that’s entertainment!

The world is a dark place filled with war, famine, and way too much pesticide. Also it has that poisoned Chinese milk flowing all over the place like the mighty river of zebra blood that's always babblin' across the Serengeti. You see where we're going with this. And to top it all off JK Rowling & Co have delicately decided to push back the next Harry Potter movie a decade or something - despite us having already promised dozens of starving orphans front row seats at a November premiere. It makes it look like we've gone back on our word - and that's something we almost never don't do. What seems to be internetting about the globe as good news, however, is that the next Potter film is going to be jam packed with a marvelous 25 minutes of undeniable 3D. It's thought to look so good that when Harry stabs out the eye of that unicorn - everybody watching will duck. Now that's entertainment!
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Goody Two Shoes JK Rowling Magics Some Cash To Evil Gordon Brown

by Matthew Laidlow

Reading a newspaper doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be. Whilst sniggering at the Page 3 girls’ outlook on life, these enlightening comments have now turned to something much more shocking.

Death! Fear! Famine! Terror! Bono! Knives! Guns! They all make for happy and pleasant reading on the way in to work. All before you’re charged £1.80 for a piss weak cup of coffee in the local café.

If the thought of being stabbed to death isn’t great enough to reduce you to a nervous wreck who only watches Jeremy Kyle, we’ve got a new crisis. Apparently, all the banks in the world who rape us via bank charges have run out of money or something. Subsequently, everything is going to cost more and limit us to only seven Starbucks trips a day. With Gordon Brown taking the hit for messing up the country, there seems to have been no help or even a cuddle anywhere. Well that is until JK Rowling came along and donated £1,000,000 of her own money to help him out.

Reading a newspaper doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be. Whilst sniggering at the Page 3 girls' outlook on life, these enlightening comments have now turned to something much more shocking. Death! Fear! Famine! Terror! Bono! Knives! Guns! They all make for happy and pleasant reading on the way in to work. All before you’re charged £1.80 for a piss weak cup of coffee in the local café. If the thought of being stabbed to death isn't great enough to reduce you to a nervous wreck who only watches Jeremy Kyle, we’ve got a new crisis. Apparently, all the banks in the world who rape us via bank charges have run out of money or something. Subsequently, everything is going to cost more and limit us to only seven Starbucks trips a day. With Gordon Brown taking the hit for messing up the country, there seems to have been no help or even a cuddle anywhere. Well that is until JK Rowling came along and donated £1,000,000 of her own money to help him out.
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JK Rowling Crushes ‘Harry Potter Lexicon’ In Her Giant Metal Fist

by Stuart Heritage

Remember that book about Harry Potter that JK Rowling didn’t write that made JK Rowling so furious that she almost pooed her spine out in court?

You do? Well in that case you’ll be pleased to know that JK Rowling has won her court case. A judge in New York has claimed that Steven Jan Vander Ark’s The Harry Potter Lexicon does illegally plagiarise the Harry Potter novels and so it can never be released.

What does this mean? In short it means that if Harry Potter fans want to buy a secondary book that acts as a reference guide for the myriad Harry Potter characters, locations and themes, they can now either a) wait for JK Rowling to finish writing her Harry Potter encyclopedia or b) grow up and stop being such moon-faced, sappy-eyed farty arseholes with their gormless wizard fixations and their stupid bloody haircuts.

Remember that book about Harry Potter that JK Rowling didn't write that made JK Rowling so furious that she almost pooed her spine out in court? You do? Well in that case you'll be pleased to know that JK Rowling has won her court case. A judge in New York has claimed that Steven Jan Vander Ark's The Harry Potter Lexicon does illegally plagiarise the Harry Potter novels and so it can never be released. What does this mean? In short it means that if Harry Potter fans want to buy a secondary book that acts as a reference guide for the myriad Harry Potter characters, locations and themes, they can now either a) wait for JK Rowling to finish writing her Harry Potter encyclopedia or b) grow up and stop being such moon-faced, sappy-eyed farty arseholes with their gormless wizard fixations and their stupid bloody haircuts.
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Hari Puttar Not Coming Your Way If Warner Bros Has Its Say

by Matthew Laidlow

Over the years, there have been thousands of rubbish fan versions of Harry Potter as they try to plug the void until JK Rowling scribbles another book.

The amusing for five seconds Harry Pothead series was a hit with morons everywhere, and recently an independent encyclopedia detailing all the characters, spells and abuse suffered by pupils from Dumbledore was due for release.

So imagine Warner Brothers’ delight when it found out about an up and coming film called Hari Puttar. Their lawyers cast some magic spells immediately to stop the film being released.

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Quantum of Solace Pushed Back a Week, and It’s All Harry Potter’s Fault

by Ian Dransfield

Harry Potter has a lot to answer for – now he’s magically caused Quantum of Solace to be pushed back. Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company’s decision to move the new Harry Potter film [...]

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