As much as Christmas is about baby Jesus and playing your new Nintendo Wii until you can't bend your arm any more, it's also about something more - watching billionaires cry about wizards and stuff.

At some point between Christmas and the new year, there's going to be an ITV documentary broadcast entitled JK Rowling ... A Year in the Life, all about Harry Potter creator JK Rowling and her adventures completing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. But the documentary also shows what JK Rowling gets up to in her spare time which - in between posing for giant statues of herself made from one giant diamond and offering the poor £50 to spend a week as JK's Dancing Monkey Slave - mainly involves going to places where she used to live and crying a lot.

Remember how much your mother used to embarrass you in your youth, even though she was essentially just a normal, good-natured woman trying to do the best by you? Just imagine if your mother was Madonna.

Because your Mum probably hasn't writhed around in a skintight leotard or kissed Britney Spears with tongues or marketed a book all about how her minge and tits look. Well, your Mum has, obviously - but most people's Mums haven't. However, all that stuff is Madonna's stock in trade, so we're fairly surprised that her daughter Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon hasn't actually become so embarrassed that she's burst into flames yet. But since Lourdes hasn't self-combusted out of shame, it's thought that she must have some sort of magical power - exactly the sort of magical power that's reportedly caused the producers of the next Harry Potter movie to offer her a role in it.

Aside from outing wizards and rolling around naked in a in a dump-truck full of money cackling at God, JK Rowling hasn't found a whole lot to do with her time since she put the finishing touches to Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.

Actually that's not strictly true - since Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows was completed, JK Rowling has written a set of fairytales. But these are fairytales with a difference, because a) they've been hand-written by JK Rowling, b) they were mentioned in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows and c) instead of being published they're going to be given away and auctioned off for charity. And they'll be the absolute last word on Harry Potter, except for the last two films, the merchandise, the theme park and the forthcoming sculpture of Harry Potter that JK Rowling is having carved into the moon along with the legend "I'm a lot richer than you, you know. Love JK" written in Garamond - the fanciest font.

After Harry Potter's penis won rave reviews for its horse-stabbing role in the stage-production of Equus this spring, people assumed that whoever would follow it would either be a) a respected big-name actor or b) Lily Allen's little brother.

And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen - brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course - to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.