Photos of what are claimed to be Nicole Richie's newborn baby daughter Harlow Winter have appeared online, giving away vital clues as to what she looks like.

And here's a newsflash – Nicole Richie's newborn baby daughter Harlow Winter looks like a bloody baby. Small? Check. Wrinkly? Check. Wearing a nappy? Check. Liable to scream and shit itself at the same time? Check.

Of course, we could be wrong and the pictures might not be of Nicole Richie's baby at all. For all we know Nicole Richie's baby could be nine feet tall, completely silent and as smooth as eggs. But, you know, she's probably not.

Now that Nicole Richie has given birth to a baby girl she'd do well to revise a lot of her old ways. For instance, every young mother knows that you don't drive into oncoming motorway traffic on drugs – your duty as a mother is to run red lights with your children onboard while holding a mobile phone a centimetre away from your face.

And Nicole Richie can't make money from showing her continual lack of any skill whatsoever in any field while driving round America with Paris Hilton now that she's a mother – she'll have to make do with the millions of dollars that glossy magazines will throw at her for the exclusive first look of her newborn baby.

Except that Nicole Richie probably can't do that either now.

Not now that photos of what are claimed to be Nicole Richie's baby girl Harlow Winter have been published online. According to reports, the pictures of Harlow Winter were taken by a friend of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden 30 minutes after she was born. If they're real, Nicole Richie can probably expect to have a couple of zeroes knocked off their magazine deal figure. But are they real?

How the shit are we supposed to know? The pictures are of a baby, which hardly narrows it down. Does the baby look like Nicole Richie or Joel Madden? No, it looks like a sodding baby. Come to think of it, Nicole Richie probably doesn't know what her baby looks like either. In fact, chances are you could put Harlow Winter in a giant tombola barrel with a hundred other babies, spin around for ten minutes or so and nobody would have any clue which were their babies without getting a DNA test.  

Admittedly that method would probably get you thrown in jail for the rest of your life, but if it'll help us make our point…

Read more:

EXCLUSIVE FIRST PICS: NICOLE RICHIE AND JOEL MADDEN'S DAUGHTER HARLOW!! – MediaTakeOut 

While a lot of fuss has been made about Christina Aguilera's baby, let's not forget that Nicole Richie also had a baby this weekend.

In fact, the birth of Nicole Richie's baby daughter was probably even more spectacular than the Aguilera birth because, by pushing six pounds and seven ounces out her body all at once, Nicole Richie managed to lose three fifths of her bodyweight almost instantly.

And, oh yeah, the father of the baby says that it looks like Nicole Richie. That was going to be our original point.

This is definitely the year of having babies. Yes, we know an hour ago we said it was the year of not having babies, but times change, OK? Think fast, you've got to keep up.

We're saying that this is the year of having babies because Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie have just had babies and we always copy everything they do, which explains our pierced clitoris and tendency to drive into oncoming traffic on drugs.

Anyway, Nicole Richie gave birth to a baby girl on Friday night – the oddly-named Harlow Winter. And until Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden have another baby, which they'll probably end up calling Canvey Island Drizzle or something, little Harlow Winter is the apple of their eye, to such an extent that Joel Madden has gone onto the internet to share his joy.

Before you start criticising his English skills, remember that the most profound thing Joel ever wrote prior to this was "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money." This is a big step for the poor little lamb:

"ITS A GIRL!!!!!

Well I am finally home with my beautiful girlfriend and our brand new little daughter. Harlow Winter Kate Madden was born on January 11th 2008 at 3:13pm. She weighed in at 6 pounds and 7 ounces. She is 19 inches long and growing everyday already! She really is a wonderful addition to the GC/DCMA/DEADEXEC family.We are so blessed to have this beautiful little baby in our lives.I want to thank everyone for all the love and kind words they’ve sentour way… She looks so much like her mom its crazy! She eats like a little maniac and shes really sweet. She barely ever cries ,even when daddy is changing her diaper, and believe me i suck when it comes to diapers, but im learning! I cant wait to show off some pictures, until then, THANKS!! and GOD BLESS….. Joel"

So congratulations to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. Well congratulations and a reminder that they still have a couple of years to invent a new story for when Harlow Winter asks why she was born. "Well, you see, I was going to be sent to jail…" is never a good opener to explain to a child. 

And if Nicole Richie is happy about her baby now, just imagine how thrilled she'll be in a couple of months when the baby starts putting on weight. Strangers might even stop confusing the two of them for each other.

Read more:

Madden says baby looks like Richie – RTE