Do you think that Hard-Fi are a truly fucking awful band? Do you? Do you consider Hard-Fi’s raison d'être to be as annoyingly pitiful as the wasps? Are you fed up of Hard-Fi trying to drink your can of Fanta in the middle of the summer after you’ve already batted them away fifteen times? Well, if so, then who do you think you are? Who? Don’t just continue reading this if you haven’t stopped to think who you really are; stop and think about it.

Ready? You’re not real people, are you? You’re fake people, aren’t you? You probably discriminate against the working classes as well, don’t you? And you no doubt go up to innocent bystanding Hard-Fi fans and shout things like “Oi, nobhead! I understand we live in a society and certain moral laws have to be adhered to for us all to get along, but if killing you and your mates was to bring about anarchy of armageddonish proportions, it wouldn’t stop me, so chuck your stupid mp3 player into the sea and take off that fucking t-shirt with a CCTV camera on it – I was already well aware that we were living in a nanny state with out some de-evolved lower class ponce shouting about it!” If that’s you, then shame on you. Shame all over you.

May you find comfort in the fact that without heaven there is no hell; that you will instead be dealt the relatively fantastic eternity of nothingness. Because you make us sick; you make hecklerspray pray that hell was real. You make us kneel down and do a hecklersprayer to God, begging him to leave Hard-Fi and their fans alone, just like their lead singer Richard Archer is probably doing too. Listen to what the class-A tit turnip has to say for himself:

 “We had success because real people heard our music. Working-class musicians are supposed to be idiots who get drunk rather than people who have something to say. Sometimes it’s nice to have that to work against but what annoys me is when I think of our fans. You have to wonder what the people slating our record know about music when they’re essentially slagging off the fans of the band.”

Oh, Richard Archer. You’re quite lovely in a way. You sing songs about working during the week and then getting trashed on the weekend, over and over again in pretty much the same way, and yet you don’t like being judged as a working class person who gets drunk and has nothing to say. Sweet, isn’t it? He’s not even aware that in order to be judged as something other than a drunk idiot with nothing to say, he has to be something other than that.

And like all great drunks, he doesn’t like it when you take the piss out of his mother. You can say what you like about him, but keep his mother out of it. The only thing is Richard Archer seems to think his mother is his fans. At least, that’s the impression you get when he talks about them:

“You can take the piss out of my hair, my clothes – I don’t give a fuck. But take the piss out of the fans and that is out of order.”

Unfortunately he didn’t go on to explain why, so we’re at as much of a loss as you. Guess we’ll have to keep it up: Oi, Hard-Fi fan reading this – you’re a twat!

Richard, dumb as he is, is – do not forget – the leader of the band. Can you imagine what the drummer must be like? Drummer Steve Kemp said:

“I don’t think it comes down to how good your album is now. If you’re not new, you’re boring.”

There are two ways to take that, and they’re all based around what Kempy means by ‘new’. If he means ‘new’ as in ‘a band or musician who have only just been discovered’ he is a moron because, well, lots of old bands and musicians are still quite exciting to a lot of people. If, however, he meant ‘new’ as in ‘constantly inventive’ and that without this constant invention music is just boring, and he’s applying this to his own band, then he is such a supreme imbecile that we want to give him a cuddle and say ‘yes, Kempy, that’s right, but you can’t be mad at people for not liking you if you’re not very good at music, do you see? Do you see?'

Do you see, Hard-Fi?

When asked about their relationship with their record label, Kempy said:

“Our label is behind our music 100%.”

To which Richard Archer chipped in:

“If they did drop us we could go away and do something much better.”

Press record. To me, to you. To me, to you. Stop recording. Release album. Read rubbish reports. Stupid fans buy record anyway and create more funding for process to be repeated. To me, to you, at the ATM machine, going out for the weekend, it’s raining and it’s horrible, I wanna get pissed, maybe stupid fans would like a song about this? They do, they love it, they get bullied, over and over, to me to you, Hard-Fi. Hard to beat.

Read more:

Hard-Fi's Archer hits back at critics – Digital Spy