There’s no questioning Madonna’s ability to sell a record or two is there? There’s not much better than hearing ‘Into The Groove’ on a Friday night. Even some of her more recent work has sold a bucket load.

However, it’s elsewhere in life she seems utterly hopeless. She’s rubbish at having relationships and even worse at making films. That part of her CV doesn’t read well at all.

Still, that’s not stopping her from branching out! Weirdly, Madge and her manager Guy Oseary are in the process of opening of a fitness centre which they plan to go global.

You heard.

Madonna and some bloke are going into the business of health. That means, no doubt, a series of gyms that will be filled with stupid spiritual nonsense as well as machinery which will give you the body of a boiled camel and a more veins than a particularly angry erection.

The Material Girl (we’re legally obliged to call her that at least once in an article) is working away to bring the world Hard Candy Fitness, the first being in Mexico City.

And it’s not some poxy little room with dumbbells and an opened window to let the body odour out. Hell no. This is Madonna – Madonna likes to show off.

Hard Candy will be a 30,000 square foot venue which will open next month and she’ll be on hand for the grand opening, just so everyone can get a really good look at how horrifying overt exercise can look.

It is hoped that the venture will expand internationally with 10 more locations around the world.

Of course, should exercise fail, you could always get some nerd in thick rimmed spectacles to photoshop the living shit out of your face so that everyone thinks you look really great for your age.

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To mark fifty years on this planet gyrating and making everyone barf with her freaky biceps, Madonna is planning to film a sequel to 1991 all-about-me documentary In Bed With Madonna. Though now she is old, it’ll be less lingerie and candlesticks and more electric blankets and Tena Lady.

When Madonna took part in the inaugural In Bed With… she was on the eve of promoting her Blonde Ambition tour. Now she has a new gig to sell, ‘Hard Candy’, and another summer fighting off euthanasia to congratulate herself on.

Original director Alex Keshishian is due to return for the feature-length birthday update. He doesn’t work much these days so is presumably ecstatic at being able to move out of his parents’ house again.

A source close to someone close to Madonna told The London Paper:

It’s like an In Bed With Madonna but made for today. She leads an amazing, high-paced life now and Alex thought the time was right to do another documentary of her life and career.

Amazingly In Bed With Madonna remains the sixth highest grossing documentary of all time; amazing because it’s so boring they had to call it Truth or Dare in America to make it sound remotely saucy and amazing because it slots in just after March of the Penguins, which is similarly plodding but has Morgan Freeman doing voiceover and he is Jesus’s granddad.

Madonna has been a busy bee recently, updating her image from disco granny to curly ex-superstar with massive knockers, as seen in the Timberland produced 4 Minutes video alongside Justin Timberlake, who dribbles, gawping, as if he’s three months old and starving.

Also Mads has announced a new tour kicking off 23rd August at nursing homes around the world and last month won the adoption case to keep a Malawian baby she picked up in Duty Free. Next month Lameo magazine are instigating a competition with Angelina Jolie to see who can adopt the most kids in any country but here.

It’s not known whether Kevin Costner will make repeat appearance in Madonna’s beddy follow-up, spouting more gems like his infamous ‘neat’ first time around (she hated the comment; made her look neat).

If creaky Kev does show up he’ll no doubt have his own belated sequel to punt – Dances With My Zimmer Frame or maybe Robin Hood 2: Prince of Prescription Meds.

He and the former Miss Ciccone could have a chat on camera about the benefits of prune juice; that’ll be better than seeing Guy Richie wheeled into shot with his old Joanna for East End sing-along anyway.

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Madonna Plans Documentary Sequel – Female First

Every wondered what it's like to have sex with Guy Ritchie? Us neither – in fact, we've spent much of our lives actively avoiding that exact thought.

But Madonna doesn't care. She's got an album coming out soon and she knows that nothing shifts CDs quite like intimate discussions of grubby sexual encounters with obnoxious mockneys, not matter how much they make your skin crawl.

For the record, Madonna says that Guy Ritchie is 'incredible' at sex – but before you get too excited, remember that some other things Madonna finds incredible include age-inappropriate leotards, scripts for poor erotic thrillers, Naomi Campbell's vagina, Andrew Lloyd-Webber musicals and made-up religions. It's hardly a group you'd want to be associated with, is it?

Good news/bad news time! The good news is that the video for Madonna's new single 4 Minutes gets its first screening on Friday, and there seems to be no sign of leotard-clad middle-aged vulva in any of it at all. The bad news is that Madonna appears to have replaced videos featuring distressing cameltoes with uncomfortably personal discussions of her private life as this album's 'thing'.

Madonna's new album Hard Candy is released at the end of the month, and Madonna seems to have struck upon a winning formula to publicise it – she's talking about her marriage to Guy Ritchie. After all, hardly a day passes any more without a rumour about Madonna and Guy splitting up or sleeping in separate bedrooms or leaving home without their wedding rings, so the least Madonna can do is tell us the truth. Or, if not the truth, some lies scientifically designed to make us burp vomit up into our mouths.

Talking to Elle magazine, Madonna revealed that one song on Hard Candy in particular is mostly about what it's like to have Guy Ritchie thrash around on top of her like an erotically electrocuted seal. People reports:

In the bittersweet love song, "Incredible," the 49-year-old croons, "sex with you is incredible." Is that also a tribute to her husband-of-seven-years? "Absolutely," she tells the magazine. "Sex with Guy is incredible … And surprise, surprise, it's his favorite song on the album. Actually, maybe it's not his favorite song, but it's definitely his favorite line." 

Why? Why would you do that, Madonna? Just because you're too old to publish another foil-sealed book about what you like like naked doesn't mean that you're allowed to repulse us with your sordid little sex tales any more. Not to mention that we don't believe it for a second – if Guy Ritchie is as good at sex as he is at making Revolver then frankly we're surprised that he hasn't had Madonna's eye out yet.

Perhaps Madonna isn't doing this to be shocking or controversial, though. Perhaps this is all for the benefit of her adopted son David Banda. After all, if Madonna is raising David as a little English boy then he'll have to go through the traditional English ritual feeling awkward because everyone at your school knows the mucky intricacies of your parents' sex lives. That's as English as a cup of tea and a slice of cricket, isn't it? 

Read more:

Madonna Reveals 'Sex with Guy Is Incredible' – People 

Madonna – centuries-old empress of reinvention that she is – has decided to name her new album Hard Candy, but how will that affect her image?

Using our always dead-on powers of deduction, we've been able to work out that this means Madonna is ditching her purple leotard for Hard Candy to either dress up as an unnerving sweet-shop lady or she'll base her look on that film where Juno tries to cut a paedophile's balls off.

What's that? Pharrell has produced much of Hard Candy for Madonna and it features several guest spots by Justin Timberlake? Well in that case we're completely wrong – Madonna's new look will be that of a 50-year-old woman at a nightclub desperately trying to look three decades younger than she actually is and fooling nobody. So no real change, then.

Even though she's older than time itself – which is possibly why she maintains that she knows Jesus – it's still a big thing when Madonna releases a new album. It's been like this for years – when Madonna released Ray Of Light everyone was excited about her return to the cutting edge. With American Life, everyone was excited about seeing Madonna dress up as a soldier and rhyme 'Mini Cooper' with 'Super duper'. With Confessions On A Dance Floor, everyone was excited to see Madonna strip down to a gruesome leotard and show off her vagin… no no no, that didn't happen at all.

And now it's time for Madonna to release a brand new album. It'll be her last album for Warner Brothers before she ticks over to her $120 million Live Nation contract, and it'll be the last album she releases before she turns 50. Madonna's facial skin already looks like it's been winched back to ripping point in preparation for the album, which means all that's left is for Madonna to give the sodding thing a name.

And that's what she's done – the new Madonna album will be called Hard Candy.

Hard Candy? But what could it mean? As we implied earlier, Hard Candy is also the name of a movie starring Ellen Page, so perhaps this is Madonna's attempt to do what Jay-Z did with American Gangster and release an album inspired by a movie. But since we can't see any songs on Hard Candy called I'll Slice Your Testicles Off or Hang Yourself, Paedophile Scum, we'll have to assume that this isn't true. 

Or perhaps Madonna has decided to embark on a tactic of naming albums after food that she has trouble eating in her advanced years, in which case we can expect her next album to either be called Crusty Baguette or Anything That Hasn't Been Mashed Into A Paste Beforehand. But, again, that looks unlikely. So here's Madonna's long-time spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg with the real explanation being Hard Candy's title:

"She loves candy. It’s about the juxtaposition of tough and sweetness, or as Madonna so eloquently expressed, 'I’m gonna kick your ass, but it’s going to make you feel good.'"

She loves candy, so she called the album Hard Candy. Worth noting that she didn't call the album Hard Guy Ritchie, which obviously means that she doesn't love her own husband but that's OK because the mental image that Hard Guy Ritchie has conjured up has already taken us to the very brink of suicide.

We can't help thinking that Madonna's really shot herself in the foot with Hard Candy – due for release in April and preceded by single Four Minutes next month – because when she takes it on the road she'll find that it's especially difficult to offend an entire religion with an album named after some confectionery. And who'll go and see a concert where Madonna doesn't enrage a deity? She's done for.

Read more:

New Madonna album called Hard Candy – Marie Claire