Hard Candy - HecklerSpray

Want To Look Haggard And Sinewy? Let Madonna’s Chain Of Gyms Help!

October 26th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

There’s no questioning Madonna’s ability to sell a record or two is there? There’s not much better than hearing ‘Into The Groove’ on a Friday night. Even some of her more recent work has sold a bucket load.

However, it’s elsewhere in life she seems utterly hopeless. She’s rubbish at having relationships and even worse at making films. That part of her CV doesn’t read well at all.

Still, that’s not stopping her from branching out! Weirdly, Madge and her manager Guy Oseary are in the process of opening of a fitness centre which they plan to go global.

Jump Back In Bed With Madonna. Bring Your Own Flannette Jim-Jams

March 24th, 2009 By Chris Laverty

To mark fifty years on this planet gyrating and making everyone barf with her freaky biceps, Madonna is planning to film a sequel to 1991 all-about-me documentary In Bed With Madonna. Though now she is old, it’ll be less lingerie and candlesticks and more electric blankets and Tena Lady.

When Madonna took part in the inaugural In Bed With… she was on the eve of promoting her Blonde Ambition tour. Now she has a new gig to sell, ‘Hard Candy’, and another summer fighting off euthanasia to congratulate herself on.

Original director Alex Keshishian is due to return for the feature-length birthday update. He doesn’t work much these days so is presumably ecstatic at being able to move out of his parents’ house again.

Bleurgh: Madonna Discusses Sex With Guy Ritchie

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Every wondered what it's like to have sex with Guy Ritchie? Us neither – in fact, we've spent much of our lives actively avoiding that exact thought.

But Madonna doesn't care. She's got an album coming out soon and she knows that nothing shifts CDs quite like intimate discussions of grubby sexual encounters with obnoxious mockneys, not matter how much they make your skin crawl.

For the record, Madonna says that Guy Ritchie is 'incredible' at sex – but before you get too excited, remember that some other things Madonna finds incredible include age-inappropriate leotards, scripts for poor erotic thrillers, Naomi Campbell's vagina, Andrew Lloyd-Webber musicals and made-up religions. It's hardly a group you'd want to be associated with, is it?

Madonna’s New Album To Rot Your Teeth

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Madonna – centuries-old empress of reinvention that she is – has decided to name her new album Hard Candy, but how will that affect her image?

Using our always dead-on powers of deduction, we've been able to work out that this means Madonna is ditching her purple leotard for Hard Candy to either dress up as an unnerving sweet-shop lady or she'll base her look on that film where Juno tries to cut a paedophile's balls off.

What's that? Pharrell has produced much of Hard Candy for Madonna and it features several guest spots by Justin Timberlake? Well in that case we're completely wrong – Madonna's new look will be that of a 50-year-old woman at a nightclub desperately trying to look three decades younger than she actually is and fooling nobody. So no real change, then.