Miley Cyrus, who you’ll remember for being the more musically gifted daughter of Billy Ray, has always been a bit of a tough nut for hecklerspray to crack. Sometimes she’ll be caterwauling her way through some mawkish pop gumph about being in love at the age of eleven and others she’ll be smoking a bong and telling people to stick things up their private parts.

She’s a testing one.

Regardless, the young Miss Cyrus’ version of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit has been named the worst cover ever in a new magazine poll.

In a quite frankly unnecessary poll, Rolling Stone readers voted the teenager’s rendition of the grunge anthem the worst of the crap, the bottom of the bottom, the arse-pit of arse-pits. It even managed to come off worse than Madonna’s hilariously woeful reimagining American Pie and Limp Bizkit’s cover of The Who’s Behind Blue Eyes in which Fred Durst spends the opening bars laughing into the eyes of a dying child.

It’s a real bum-note for Cyrus who recently introduced Smells Like Teen Spirit to her live set, telling her screaming legion of Mousekateers, “I want to play a song by one of the artists that inspired me. Without them [Nirvana] I wouldn’t be here. They are the ones who gave me the strength and courage to do this.”

The surviving members of Nirvana are said to be considering legal action for the implication that her career is somehow their fault.

Limp Bizkit came in second and Madonna third, while Sweet Child O’ Mine by Sheryl Crow (covering an already dreadful song) and Britney Spears’ suicide-inducing rendition of the Rolling Stones’ (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction finished off the top five with a glacé cherry made of human faeces.

But let’s face it. You didn’t come here to find out what songs made it into that particular top five. You only clicked the link to see that hideous rendition all over again.

Feel the burn.

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Do you like gay people? Perhaps you’re a gay person yourself? Doesn’t matter one jot. That’s because Miley Cyrus likes gay people more than anyone else, ever. How do we know this? Because she’s got a tattoo.

As well you know, young people get tattoos about the things they feel strongly passionate about… the things they will stand-by for life… and boy, Miley means it, maaaaaan.

See, she’s decided to get a tattoo that shows that she supports gay marriage. What have you done? Nothing we bet. Unless you happen to be gay and have got married. Even then, marriages don’t often last as long as tattoos, so even you lose.

So how has Miley shown her support for the homosexuals of the world? Has she written a heartfelt diatribe against the naysayers and had some strapping woman ink it onto her young back?

Absolutely not. She’s got herself an equal sign on her finger.

Now we think of it, this could be a declaration of love for mathematics. Wait! Here comes Miley to clear it all up for us idiots.

“ALL LOVE is equal”

That’s the statement Cyrus made on twitter alongside a photo of her tattoo.

Of course, with her having a lot of rednecks and Disneyites following her, it didn’t wholly go down too well. This saw her venting spleen.

“Where does it say in the bible to judge others? Oh right. It doesn’t. GOD is the only judge honey. ‘GOD is love.’”

She of course means: God is made-up. But whatever. And she does have a point though. While you see Christians berating the gays of the world for committing a terrible sin, you never see them berating obese people for indulging in gluttony do you? Those that covet their neighbours junk get off without much chiding too.

Could it be that the Christians of the world have a penchant for hypocrisy?

Anyway, we shouldn’t take this too seriously because Miley has the words “Just Breathe” on the left side of her chest, possibly as an instruction for staying alive, which is sensible advice for the incredibly dimwitted.

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In about fifteen years, we’ll all look back, scratch our heads and wonder why we spent so much of our lives on Twitter. As times change, everything gets replaced with a slicker, faster and generally better version.

Originally we had MySpace where we could create epileptic backgrounds, but once people got sick of being spammed by rubbish bands, everybody jumped over to Facebook. You know, that one Justin Timberlake made a film about or something.

Twitter is nothing more than a condensed version of Facebook, minus the dodgy games that are created by hackers to steal your bank information. Nearly everybody is on Twitter, from your local butcher telling you what’s been freshly slaughtered, or some sleb plugging something they’re involved with. One person who’s been off Twitter is loveable Disney breakaway brat Miley Cyrus but we can all happily rejoice knowing that Miley is back on Twitter! This is bigger news than the Royal Wedding.

So how can you get in on the act of finding out what colour Miley Cyrus painted her nails or when she messaged another famous person? It’s almost like playing a game of hide & seek, as typing in @mileycyrus proves unsuccessful. Instead you’ll have to point your browser towards @gypsyhearttour. Initially, this caused us a bit of confusion, as far as pseudonyms go this a bit of a strange one. Fair enough she has a tour to promote, but why “gypsy heart?”

Perhaps there’s a more logical and responsible explanation? Recently, Channel 4 in the UK rolled out a show called ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.’ The programme was designed to give the viewer a glance in to the world of a community that many aren’t familiar with. Instead of the show being a cultural learning curve, most people on Twitter decided to berate and mock the people featured. Perhaps Miley Cyrus felt sorry for the travelling community and named her show after watching the series.

Instead of simply returning to the service, Cyrus had to make a big song and dance about the whole thing:

“I do not tweet, I do not social network, I try to stay out of it. I complain enough about people knowing too much about my private life, so to go out there and exploit myself would be silly and hypocritical.”

Miley Cyrus is taking charge of this account and not leaving it up to the work experience kid at her record label to manage. Even though she’s already gotten the hump about divulging information that’ll cast her in to the limelight, we expect her to harp on about all sorts of pointless crap including tales of “how awesome the crowd was last night” and tales of her saying “I swear my kitty just did a big yawn. LOL.” Cyrus has even constructed a plan for her Twitter account which consists of:

“Goal 1. Get 1,000,000 followers! Goal 2. Make #RADIATELOVE a trending topic!”

Take it from us love; at least four hecklerspray writers have been trying to make #cake a trending topic on Twitter but with no sodding luck. You’ll never do it, keep searching for that rainbow, or use some a sprig of that gypsy lucky heather you’ll be flogging on tour to make all your dreams come true while you’re dressed like a meringue.

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The world is a confusing place isn’t it?  So many puzzling questions left unanswered, that even the hecklerspray writers are unable to sleep at night.

When we should be having midnight feasts and pillow fights, we’re pacing the sticky floors of our bedsit, desperately looking for answers to questions like: ‘Why does anyone under the age of dead listen to Ronan Keating?’ or ‘What possessed Brian Harvey to eat THREE baked potatoes before driving over himself?’.

However, there is one thing we can categorically say we’re not in the slightest bit uncertain about. WE ARE REALLY GLAD WE’RE NOT MILEY CYRUS.

Let’s face it, having to go through life knowing that you were created from Billy Rae Cyrus’s line dancing ejaculate must be self-harmingly painful enough, but to be then faced with the knowledge that not only is there a great big blow up doll out there with your name on it (literally), it’s flying off the shelves in record time and men are no doubt singing ‘Best of Both Worlds’ while humping your effigy stupid.

The ‘Finally Miley’ doll costs around £17 and apparently has ’3 achey love holes’  to stick things in.  Kevin Johnson of Pipedream Products said:

“We are completely sold out already – it’s been on the market for less than 48 hours”

Someone should really take Justin Bieber’s credit card away from him.

We thought this might make Miley reach for the bong but instead she’s decided to get angry and sue the pants off the company who made this wipe clean monstrosity.

Johnson said something about that too:

“We haven’t received a cease and desist letter from her attorneys yet, but I have seen those rumours circling online”

“That probably means it will happen soon enough”

Probably but until that day there’s plenty of time to some damage to a Miley doll and let’s be honest, it’ll still be far less damaged that the real one.

We blame Billy Rae Cyrus. Not just for this.

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Just the other day, we were putting together a list of the most individual singers and musicians who are currently involved in the music scene. How about The Rolling Stones? Nah, they’re just walking corpses. Lady Gaga? Pft, she spends too much time ripping off Madonna and designing stinging nettle dresses.

You know who topped our list? The totally awesome Miley Cyrus!

We’ve got all her albums, singles and even have her autograph inked on our bum cheeks. She’s so influential, that we’re smoking a bong of salvia right now! But not everything the life of Miley Cyrus is sweet and rosy. The world class singer has issues with fame grabbing singers such as Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black who posted clips on YouTube to gain fame. They definitely didn’t work as hard as Miley who had the benefit of having a father with a world renowned terrible single and getting her own TV show courtesy of Uncle Walt Disney.

Oh dear Miley, it appears that despite your ropey, barely-legal photoshoots, fame and fortune, you haven’t quite mastered what the word irony means. As we tragically know, her father Billy Ray Cyrus sang about his achy breaky heart. She should have learned that a lack of understanding about the word irony runs in the family as her dad’s heart got all sore and broken when he got involved in divorce proceedings.

Mily Cyrus is desperately trying to establish as herself as a sophisticated female actress and get away from the cute and innocent Disney image that’s attached to her. Unlike Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical fame, she hasn’t gone and taken pictures of her waps and later found them leaked across the internet. Nor has she gone down the road of once child star Lindsay Lohan by getting constantly drunk, doing drugs, going to rehab, crashing cars, sniffing a few more drugs and accused of pinching jewellery.

The easiest way of looking cool, edgy and hipster is to just mouth off. After all, isn’t that what Twitter and Facebook are for? The loyal fan base of Miley Cyrus will lap up her every word. It’s always easy to pick on someone who’s a similar size to you, or as we look at it, equally annoying. When asked about fellow musicians Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black, Miley said:

“It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn’t just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour.”

OMG1!!11! Miley Cyrus is a total hater. How can she not appreciate the feel good anthems of the four year old Justin Bieber or the internet’s greatest discovery, Rebecca Black?

We see a vicious Twitter turf war breaking out with lovers and haters looking to tweet condensed messages of fury and bile. All three should recreate a classic encounter like the Battle of Hastings where all each respective side can charge at each other, using sharpened CD cases to gouge the other person’s eye or testicle.

We’re team Rebecca Black all the way. Girl got mad skills.

There’s nothing quite as depressing as seeing a divorced father in action and Billy Ray Cyrus is doing a grand job of being a constant source of maudlin fun. He’s a walking microwave meal for one. The poor sod.

Of course, he’s limping around, hauling his lonely posterior to anyone who’ll listen because it is better than talking to the four walls of his very empty house.

With this desperate plea for affection, Billy Ray has been giving interviews and talking about his personal life in such detail that it seems like we’re mere seconds away from him showing us the poo he did this morning, before he puts it back into his pocket and has a little cry.

The main crux of his wallows focus on his relationship – or lack of it – with his famous daughter, Miley Cyrus. He opened up in an interview with GQ, giving everyone the impression he was about to don a superhero outfit and stand on a building, Fathers For Justice style.

As a result, he’s been roundly ridiculed by his family, which has seen him backtracking on US television.

After slating Disney for melting Miley’s brain, he’s now on record saying that he loves them and in fact, not in any way responsible for Miley’s recent behaviour which some say is indicative of someone going off the rails, while others think she’s just acting her age.

Either way, Billy is all about wanting to make it up to Miley.

“I look back and I did kind of approach being a dad like being a friend, my kids need a dad and I can promise I’ll come back in and do the best I can do.”

“I still want to be Miley’s friend. I want to be the person she wants to talk to. I love her more than life itself.”

“I think most importantly, Miley has a great heart and she is very intelligent she will make good choices … I trust Miley.”

He trusts that, should she do bongs filled with salvia, he’ll get to see it second hand when someone sticks it on YouTube. Again.

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Country and Western megastar (and Miley Cyrus’ dad) Billy Ray Cyrus has decided to call off his divorce with wife Tish (yeah, Tish) despite not bothering to tell her. The well known peddler of country (without the ‘o’) decided to take his feelings to ‘The View’, the simpering nicey-nicey US version of Loose Women in order to improve his public image after falling out of the public eye for not being very close to his daughter.

His daughter is Miley Cyrus. She’s famous.

The singer’s love of his family apparently prompted him to go onto a TV show and talk to some women about his family in a move which was definitely not choreographed by his publicist and agent in order to make him look slightly less insane.

It’s a difficult task to make the man who once stood in front of a camera and, without his tongue in his cheek, sang the words “Don’t break my heart, my achey-breaky heart” seem like he’s anything less than a complete fool.

The professional mullet said:

“I want to put my family back together, things are the best they’ve ever been.”

That’s nice, isn’t it? Regardless of the idea that the truth might be massively different with many sources claiming that he has not seen his estranged wife or daughter in months and that the last time they were in the same room, Miley put a live lobster down his trousers as ‘payback’. hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that no-one, not even his family, care about where Trace Cyrus is at the moment.

It should be noted at this point that this highly spontaneous move comes just one month after Cyrus claimed that Hannah Montana was tearing his family apart and that the devil was attacking his daughter. That’s Miley Cyrus. She’s the one that’s been doing things that teenagers do like smoking and getting her bits out for cameras.

Of course, Billy Ray’s Christian, you see and that seems to be what they do. If they’ve got themselves in a bit of a tizz; it was the devil’s work. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he’s a terrible parent. Certainly seems more likely, doesn’t it?

Yes. It does.

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Miley Cyrus is in grave danger of losing any credibility she had in the world by associating herself with stadium rock ponces, Kings of Leon. That’s right. The Hannah Montana starlet has been flirting it up with the one called Jared Followill.

Cyrus has had a tough couple of months, watching her parents split up and resultantly, seen her mum fawning over Bret Michaels who is as manly as a tit in a vagina shaped pink bra made out of tampons and lattes.

And so, Miley went slightly off the rails (read: had fun with her mates) by getting a dream catcher tattoo (most teenage girls are content to simply hang the real thing in their bedrooms before realising that they’re helplessly hokey), indulging in some mild lesbianism and smoking a bong filled with salvia. However, getting a Kings of Leon member in her life is going to leave her looking like the most uncool human on Earth (Kings of Leon aside, natch).

Of course, this news will see NME readers turning to their keyboards in a blind rage, furious at the notion that the supposedly credible band member would dare to entertain the notion of doing a sex inside a teenybopper… but lets face it, Kings of Leon are about as cutting edge as a damp Autumnal leaf.

Still, at least the group have written the first proper anthem to cystitis with the enforced fun of ‘Sex On Fire’. Maybe, if Jared and Miley get it on, he can ram her half stupid and sing the song at her while dubbing her ‘Sista Purin’?

They’ve got some way to go yet though.

Miley first clapped her Disney eyes on the bass player in 2009 and swapped numbers with him a year later at the 2010 MTV Europe Music Awards in Madrid. Presumably, she’s been fondly reading his insightful twitter postings, such as the one where he talks about his “boner” and him trying to grow a beard.

Staggering stuff.

A source, with nothing better to do than go all aflutter when Miley and Jared’s names are mentioned, says:

“Miley wants to keep Jared interested. She often sends him coy text messages. So far, he is a big fan of what she has been sending.”

“Jared loves showing off his texts from Miley. He thinks she’s very pretty and is excited she’s still flirting with him.”

As they’re both from Nashville, they may well be looking forward to indulging in the kind of sex that is usually seen in a pig’s sty.

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O! M! G! Hold the phone girlfriend whilst we text everyone the shocking news that Walt Disney’s loveable jailbait creation Miley Cyrus has finally come to an end!

Traditionally for Disney, the only mildly offensive character was Donald Duck due to his lack of pants and the whole molesting women thing, however this time, the company have pushed the boat out with the almost schizophrenic Hannah Montana who is played by Miley Cyrus.

Or is Miley Cyrus played by Hannah Montana? Which way ’round is it? We’re aren’t totally sure anymore.

Urgh, it’s a complete mind-melter really.

To put things in to perspective, just think of gargoyle model Jordan. That isn’t her real name, but she uses it when getting her lady bits out. Katie Price is her proper name. Beyonce also uses Sasha Fierce as a random alter ego when she gets all feisty and shakes her impressive booty. So what can Miley Cyrus do now seeing she’s escaped the shackles of Disney’s chains? Christ knows, though Justin Bieber will probably crop up somewhere.

From what we gather about Hannah Montana, the show was basically made by idiots and watched by morons. It was something to do with Miley Cyrus being an all round goodie American girl who took part in cheerleading, hanging around those stupid lockers they have in American schools and any other high school activity she could invariably succeed in.

Perhaps all the makeup that was painted on to her face also increased her likeability. However when she wasn’t a super duper straight-A student, Hannah led a secret double life and was some sort of pop princess known as Miley Cyrus. Spiderman was bitten by a spider for his groovy transformation, but what was the power used by Miley to warp into someone else?

A stupid blonde wig.

Anyone who reads hecklerspray regularly will know we’re no geniuses. However if one of our mates suddenly sported a blonde wig, we’re sure it wouldn’t be difficult to spot them. However, over the course of 98 episodes, Hannah or Miley managed to do everything including jetting off and performing gigs for adoring fans who probably have seeing difficulties as their walnut sized brain can’t work out subtle differences.

Some brown noser told MTV.com

“Miley is a phenomenon — she’s accomplished so much in the movie, TV and music worlds that it’s not surprising how much attention was attracted during filming.”

She sure has grabbed our attention, though it wasn’t because of her captivating performance that made us want to burn our existing DVD’s and dusty VHS’s so we could fill the shelves with the same Miley stuff ten times over. Actually, we only knew about her due to the fact she is the daughter of country & western hillbilly Billy Ray Cyrus. Then there were the incidents were she showed a little bit too much flesh at award shows or when exiting various vehicles. Work doesn’t seem to be drying up post Hannah Montana, MTV.com reports further on the guff we’ll be sent press releases about:

“Movies aren’t the only thing Miley is working on these days. While she’s made it clear she wants to take a break from music to focus on her bustling film career, it’s rumored that a Miley-Nick Jonas reunion “double disc duet album” is in the works. Music producer Shakur Green, who has worked with Miley in the past, tweeted that he’s working on tracks with Miley and former beau, Nick Jonas. “Can’t release any additional information about the project,” he shared. “Other than it’s going to be one of the top albums of 2011.”

Seeing Mily Cyrus is now legal tender, she’ll probably overstep the mark and try and seduce the hardcore virgin that is Nick Jones, by slipping off his purity ring and getting him hammered on salvia.

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Kids, eh? It’s so hard to watch them grow up. Especially when they’re Miley Cyrus. But then again it’s always hard to watch her.

Miley Cyrus is starting to assert her independence. Until now, Miley had been doing this perfectly normally, like going out with an adult underwear model and being ludicrously rich enough to financially control her entire family, but now she’s crossed the line. How? Miley Cyrus has got her nose pierced.

So now Miley Cyrus is a punk. We’re excited to hear her raw, uncompromising new direction on forthcoming single Let’s Have A Punky Pyjama Party (Lalalalala).

Deep down, Miley Cyrus has always been a rebel. All the signs were there – the romance with the unsuitably older man, the tendency to strip off for photos at any given opportunity, the fearless mockery of arbitrarily-chosen racial groups, that song of hers that had rock guitars in it because a computer had analysed data from several focus groups in Miley’s key demographic and revealed that rock guitars would track well for her in a number of important new markets.

See? Miley Cyrus is bold. Miley Cyrus is single-minded. Miley Cyrus will not sell out – unless of course your definition of selling out involves giving away both your physical likeness and entire childhood to one of the world’s biggest entertainment companies and doing everything it orders you to do in exchange for cash, in which case there might be an argument that Miley Cyrus has sold out a little bit.

But in case you wanted some more proof, Miley Cyrus has just had her nose pierced. And it affected her dad Billy Ray Cyrus so strongly that he’s actually written a song about it, as he told Larry King:

“She said, ‘Daddy would you take me to get my nose pierced?’ I said, ‘Did you ask your mamma?’ and she said, ‘Mamma said I can do it if you would take me.’ We went to a little place in Studio City. I felt kind of nervous… You probably heard the song I wrote, Ready, Set, Don’t Go. It’s about that moment in a daddy’s life that you realise your little girl has grown up. It’s time for her to make her own decisions.”

Now you come to mention it, Billy Ray Cyrus, we think we have heard that song. Correct us if we’re wrong, but we believe it’s on the same album as the songs Don’t Forget Your Old Daddy, What Are We Going To Do For Money Once You Move Out and I Swear If You Stop Making Hannah Montana Now I’ll Be Completely Bloody Destitute (Is That What You Want?).

But anyway, it’s natural for a young girl like Miley Cyrus to want to branch out and make her own decisions. Mark our words, there’ll be a tattoo next. Unless some Disney-sanctioned focus groups decide that tattoos don’t send an appropriately aspirational message to her core markets, that is, in which case we’re probably wrong.

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We don’t know how the Hannah Montana movie ended. We didn’t see the Hannah Montana movie. We hit puberty several years ago.

We assumed that we knew how the Hannah Montana movie would end, though – with Miley Cyrus getting hit in the face with an asteroid then bitten in half by a dinosaur, who then barfs her back up into Billy Ray Cyrus‘s crying face. Because movies like that need an feelgood climax, don’t they?

But apparently that’s not how the Hannah Montana movie ended, because Miley Cyrus is making another season. And no mention of regurgitated dino-puke, either. Disappointing.

Thanks to her phenomenal successes in the worlds of TV, film, music, videogames and breathtakingly cynical merchandise, Miley Cyrus never has to work again. It’d be quite nice if someone could pass on that message to her, wouldn’t it?

Because at the moment, Miley Cyrus doesn’t seem to want to stop working at all. We’re not sure why that is – maybe she realises that she’s as popular now as she’s ever going to be and wants to maximise on it while she can, or maybe her showbusiness childhood has left her equating work with attention, or maybe she realises that if she stopped working she’d have nothing better to do than stay at home pondering on how exactly identical her dad’s face is to a human vagina – but it’s true.

So true, in fact, that despite apparently trying to leave the show last year and seeming utterly hacked off about making the movie, Miley Cyrus has decided to churn out another season of Hannah Montana. Reuters reports:

Disney Channel has closed a deal for a fourth season of the blockbuster series starring Miley Cyrus. There had been questions about whether Cyrus would return to the series that made her a global star… As part of the deal, Cyrus will get a long hiatus to work on the feature “The Last Song.”

We’re just guessing here, but we’d imagine that this will be the last season of Hannah Montana ever. And rightly so – it’s wise for Miley Cyrus to bow out of the tween market before she, say, embarrasses herself with a set of risque photos. Oh, wait, she’s already done that. Well, OK, before she hooks up with a much-older boyfriend who poses in his pants for a living. Oh, hang on, she’s done that too.

Before Miley Cyrus’s voice gets so deep and hoarse that when most viewers tune into an episode of Hannah Montana they assume they’re watching a foreign version that’s been dubbed using nothing but professional Tibetan throat singers and broken lawn strimmers? Before everyone gets completely sick of seeing her face everywhere? What? Miley Cyrus has already done both of those things too?

You’re not exactly making this easy for us here, Miley. Buck up.

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Did you know that Miley Cyrus designed and built the Large Hadron Collider completely by herself? Well she did.

Because Miley Cyrus is intelligent. She says she’s more intelligent than any of us think. Admittedly that’s not hard – our intellectual expectations of Miley Cyrus are so low that she could burn the side of her face by confusing a hot iron for a ringing telephone and then spend three hours repeatedly clattering into a closed patio door with a confused look on her face and we’d still be impressed.

Miley Cyrus didn’t invent the Large Hadron Collider, by the way.

This is set to be one of the biggest weekends of Miley Cyrus’ life. No, not because she’s threatened to financially alienate her parents forever unless they buy her an Easter egg that’s the exact size and density of Luxembourg, it’s because tomorrow sees the start of her career as an above-the-title movie star with the release of Hannah Montana: The Movie.

It’s a big risk for Miley Cyrus to take – although signs are good thanks to the success of her other film work like that 3D concert movie of hers and Bolt, the comparative failure of the Jonas Brothers movie could be a sign that the tween bubble is about to burst. Also, anyone who pays to see Hannah Montana: The Movie is a galactic tosspot who deserves to fail in every aspect of their life.

Not that Miley Cyrus is worried about any of it, though. She’s got it all planned out. You know why? Because Miley Cyrus is so much smarter than anyone gives her credit for. Sure, she doesn’t go to school, she shares 50% of her DNA with the performer of the worst song in history and she’s so rich that she’s constantly surrounded by people who’ll tell her she’s right even when she’s obviously, glaringly wrong. But still, Miley Cyrus says she’s smart so she must be smart. Look, this is what she told Reuters:

“I almost feel like people think of me as dumb,” said Cyrus, who recently created her own personal “Rumor Patrol” blog on MileyCyrus.com. “I’m like, I’m smarter than you think. You know, I understand what you’re trying to do. It’s all a mind game and what not… It’s really important to me that people think of me as a real artist.”

Oh screw it. You know what? Yes, Miley Cyrus, you are more intelligent than we thought. Those semi-naked pictures of yourself that you posted on the internet were obviously a challenging statement about the media’s sexual idealisation of youth. And that time you made your eyes all slitty in an uncomfortably racist-seeming photograph? Clearly a comment on western paranoia due to the emergence of China as a new global superpower based in part on the teachings of Fareed Zakaria in his tome The Post-American World.

And all that other mental crap that comes spurting out of Miley Cyrus’ mouth like a constant torrent of clueless, badly-thought-out sewage that everybody does their best to ignore but can’t? Well that just proves that Miley Cyrus functions on a much, much higher level than the rest of us. Either that or she’s just preposterously gormless. Who knows?

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Hey kids, are you excited about the Hannah Montana movie? You are? Well you’re doing better than Miley Cyrus, then.

Because Miley Cyrus, um, isn’t. Even though Hannah Montana: The Movie comes out in less than a fortnight, Miley Cyrus is already so bored of the whole thing that she’s ruled out the possibility of making any sequels to it.

You know what this means – no Hannah Montana 2. And no Hannah Montana 3: Hannah’s Big City Vacation. And no Hannah Montana 4: Aquatic Adventuresplash. And no Hannah Montana 5: Requiem For A Tween. Miley Cyrus, you can really be an awful cow sometimes.

If anything ever derails Miley Cyrus’ career in the future, it’s not going to be her weird compulsion to take her clothes off on the internet, her terrifying propensity for possibly accidental racism or the way that her speaking voice sounds like Mumm-Ra‘s emphysemic death rattle. No, it’ll be a lack of motivation that does Miley Cyrus in.

Because why would Miley Cyrus want to do anything more with her life? She’s already living a 16-year-old’s dream life – fame, no school, enough money to physically and emotionally bulldoze her parents into doing exactly what she wants, a topless grown-up underwear model to roll around with – so doing anything at all must feel like a terrible chore for her.

That’s why there’s a constant question mark hanging over the future of Hannah Montana, and we’d imagine it’s why – during the world premiere of the Hannah Montana movie trailer – Miley Cyrus was pulling a face like a cat that’s just belched a dogturd up into the back of its throat.

Is it the reason why Miley Cyrus is refusing to make any more Hannah Montana movies after this one this released? Possibly, although Miley’s buggered if she’s going to actually admit it. USmagazine reports:

“I feel like this is a TV show, and we got really lucky with having the material to make one movie,” the actress/singer said Monday, reports UsMagazine.com. “To do another one, I feel like it takes away the reality of it all.”

Miley Cyrus does have a point, of course – making a sequel to a movie adaptation of a money-spinning TV show about a girl with a secret pop star identity, starring the millionaire daughter of the rat-tailer performer of 1992 country crossover hit Achey Breaky Heart would totally take away the reality of it all. Well done Miley. Good use of common sense.

But all joking aside, it’s easy to understand why Miley Cyrus wants to draw a line under Hannah Montana. Keep doing it too long and she’ll end up as a dumpy Sabrina The Teenage Witch-style joke. Besides, Miley probably has so much left that she wants to accomplish professionally. That emotional meltdown and subsequent slow descent into paranoid drug hell won’t just happen by itself, you know.

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When it was reported that Miley Cyrus wanted to leave Hannah Montana, you probably reacted like a normal adult and wept relentlessly.

But it’s OK. Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to leave Hannah Montana yet. Even though she’s gained success in several other fields, like music and movies and videogames and borderline amateur softcore pornography, Miley Cyrus has vowed to remain on Hannah Montana indefinitely.

And that’s definitely good news, because so long as there’s a Hannah Montana, there’s always going to be a creepy minge-faced father figure lurking around in the background weirding everyone out in the form of Billy Ray Cyrus. And as long as that happens hecklerspray will never go out of business. Hooray for Hannah Montana and hooray for us!

Miley Cyrus knows which side her bread’s buttered. Actually, you know what, that’s a lie. Miley Cyrus doesn’t know what side her bread’s buttered at all. That’s because all her bread would come pre-buttered by one of any number of servants if she ate bread and butter, but she doesn’t because of the carbohydrates in bread and the fat content in butter. But Miley Cyrus definitely knows what side of the celery stick her servants daub vinaigrette on. Wait, now we’ve confused ourselves.

What we’re saying is that Miley Cyrus knows a good thing when she sees it, as demonstrated by her choice of mostly-naked, much older boyfriend. And Hannah Montana is definitely a good thing for Miley Cyrus.

Without Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus would just be a plain old regular country singer’s daughter with no fame, no huge financial control over her entire family and the anonymity to make the normal mistakes of adolescence in private where they won’t be amplified and help to destroy her sense of self-esteem. And, ugh, who’d want that?

But recently there were rumours that Miley Cyrus wanted to leave Hannah Montana to continue developing her career into more mainstream markets like movies and, well, anything that wouldn’t frown upon public nudity quite as much as Disney-made children’s TV shows.

However, Miley Cyrus wants you to know that however successful she may become in other fields, she’ll always be making Hannah Montana. Always. Probably always. Probably. Well, at least until the Hannah Montana comes out, at least. And that’s in April. So Miley Cyrus is definitely going to keep making Hannah Montana until April. MTV reports:

“I can’t really tell exactly what the future will be like, because I didn’t think that at the beginning [the show would be the phenomenon] that it was. I like letting life do its own thing,” the 15-year-old performer said. “[But] I definitely want the TV show to continue as long as it can.”

OK, so maybe all that ‘forever’ stuff was pushing it a bit. Actually we’d be surprised if Hannah Montana was still in production this time next year. But maybe we’re wrong. Maybe Hannah Montana will go on and on and on. After all, it worked for Sabrina The Teenage Witch, didn’t it? Nobody questioned what a puffy-faced middle-aged woman who apparently had the magical powers to change her appearance and yet chose not to use it and had a thing for younger men was doing going to a High School every day, did they?

They did? Oh. Then get out while you still can, Miley.

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When hecklerspray was just 42 years old the song Electric Youth descended upon us from a gas station sound-system.

It was 1989, and to this day we believe that sweet vocal delivery was sent from heaven on high. You see,  about two hours previously the cashier working inside had informed us the strawberry slurpee-maker was on the fritz, and we were thinking about ending it all as soon as some passing customer dropped a loaded shotgun, a woodman’s axe, or perhaps maybe a small bear or something. Yes, a bear would have done nicely.

But then Debbie Gibson buoyed our spirits the way only a teen icon can when she’s singing in a button-covered jean jacket with it’s collar fully extended. We got up, convinced the 7-11 clerk to just sell us a cup full of pure strawberry slurpee syrup instead, and went off into the night to face whatever challenges may come.

Debs saved our life that night. And to commemorate the love we can’t imagine she doesn’t probably have for us, we recently allowed Stephen Baldwin to get a tattoo of her placed anywhere on his body he wanted to.

Oh wait – that wasn’t a Debbie Gibson tattoo he just got – it was a Hannah Montana tattoo. Literally. Stephen Baldwin literally got a Hannah Montana tattoo inked permanently onto his skin somewhere. Now we’re going to put the word ‘literally’ in italics again just so you get how strange we think this all is – Literally.

Miley Cyrus is totally into older men, which is nice because older men are totally into her too. It’s convenient when things work out like that. The older guy we’re talking about this time isn’t her underpants-loving boyfriend – its Stephen Baldwin. The only evidence we have of this is in the form of a Hannah Montana tattoo the actor recently got because Cyrus herself apparently dared him to.

Now, to make the dare-pact complete, Miley’s gotta get baptised by a hardcore southern baptist, possibly dance with poisonous snakes, and talk way too much about how good Stevie was in The Usual Suspects.

Again, our evidence for all this is pretty weak. Here is every piece of info the Huffington Post has on the slightly-obsessed tattoo thing:

“Stephen Baldwin has branded himself with Hannah Montana’s initials, all because Miley Cyrus dared him to…the 15-year-old dared Baldwin to get Hannah Montana’s initials [tattooed] and in return she would let him appear on her Disney TV show since his daughters are huge fans of the series.”

The whole tatt-thing might sound stupid to some, but remember this – it’s for love. Miley Cyrus may be young, but In some North American countries 15 is the age of consent, and should the two decide to move there they could live out her 15-year-old legally adult life together. This is convenient for both of them because as we hear it her body is already ripe with women-fruit. Its literally swimming with babies that are just aching to get out right now.

We can’t divulge our source on this babies-part yet because he’s fictional and we haven’t made up a name for him yet. Claude sounds good though. Our source’s name is Claude, and he swears to us that Miley Cyrus currently has so many microscopic babies in her body that they keep bumping into each other.

Claude also tells us he once saw a bare-handed Madonna rip the beating heart out of a zoo-gorilla.

More on that story tomorrow.

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