Kids, eh? It’s so hard to watch them grow up. Especially when they’re Miley Cyrus. But then again it’s always hard to watch her.

Miley Cyrus is starting to assert her independence. Until now, Miley had been doing this perfectly normally, like going out with an adult underwear model and being ludicrously rich enough to financially control her entire family, but now she’s crossed the line. How? Miley Cyrus has got her nose pierced.

So now Miley Cyrus is a punk. We’re excited to hear her raw, uncompromising new direction on forthcoming single Let’s Have A Punky Pyjama Party (Lalalalala).

Deep down, Miley Cyrus has always been a rebel. All the signs were there – the romance with the unsuitably older man, the tendency to strip off for photos at any given opportunity, the fearless mockery of arbitrarily-chosen racial groups, that song of hers that had rock guitars in it because a computer had analysed data from several focus groups in Miley’s key demographic and revealed that rock guitars would track well for her in a number of important new markets.

See? Miley Cyrus is bold. Miley Cyrus is single-minded. Miley Cyrus will not sell out – unless of course your definition of selling out involves giving away both your physical likeness and entire childhood to one of the world’s biggest entertainment companies and doing everything it orders you to do in exchange for cash, in which case there might be an argument that Miley Cyrus has sold out a little bit.

But in case you wanted some more proof, Miley Cyrus has just had her nose pierced. And it affected her dad Billy Ray Cyrus so strongly that he’s actually written a song about it, as he told Larry King:

“She said, ‘Daddy would you take me to get my nose pierced?’ I said, ‘Did you ask your mamma?’ and she said, ‘Mamma said I can do it if you would take me.’ We went to a little place in Studio City. I felt kind of nervous… You probably heard the song I wrote, Ready, Set, Don’t Go. It’s about that moment in a daddy’s life that you realise your little girl has grown up. It’s time for her to make her own decisions.”

Now you come to mention it, Billy Ray Cyrus, we think we have heard that song. Correct us if we’re wrong, but we believe it’s on the same album as the songs Don’t Forget Your Old Daddy, What Are We Going To Do For Money Once You Move Out and I Swear If You Stop Making Hannah Montana Now I’ll Be Completely Bloody Destitute (Is That What You Want?).

But anyway, it’s natural for a young girl like Miley Cyrus to want to branch out and make her own decisions. Mark our words, there’ll be a tattoo next. Unless some Disney-sanctioned focus groups decide that tattoos don’t send an appropriately aspirational message to her core markets, that is, in which case we’re probably wrong.

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We don’t know how the Hannah Montana movie ended. We didn’t see the Hannah Montana movie. We hit puberty several years ago.

We assumed that we knew how the Hannah Montana movie would end, though – with Miley Cyrus getting hit in the face with an asteroid then bitten in half by a dinosaur, who then barfs her back up into Billy Ray Cyrus’s crying face. Because movies like that need an feelgood climax, don’t they?

But apparently that’s not how the Hannah Montana movie ended, because Miley Cyrus is making another season. And no mention of regurgitated dino-puke, either. Disappointing.

Thanks to her phenomenal successes in the worlds of TV, film, music, videogames and breathtakingly cynical merchandise, Miley Cyrus never has to work again. It’d be quite nice if someone could pass on that message to her, wouldn’t it?

Because at the moment, Miley Cyrus doesn’t seem to want to stop working at all. We’re not sure why that is – maybe she realises that she’s as popular now as she’s ever going to be and wants to maximise on it while she can, or maybe her showbusiness childhood has left her equating work with attention, or maybe she realises that if she stopped working she’d have nothing better to do than stay at home pondering on how exactly identical her dad’s face is to a human vagina – but it’s true.

So true, in fact, that despite apparently trying to leave the show last year and seeming utterly hacked off about making the movie, Miley Cyrus has decided to churn out another season of Hannah Montana. Reuters reports:

Disney Channel has closed a deal for a fourth season of the blockbuster series starring Miley Cyrus. There had been questions about whether Cyrus would return to the series that made her a global star… As part of the deal, Cyrus will get a long hiatus to work on the feature “The Last Song.”

We’re just guessing here, but we’d imagine that this will be the last season of Hannah Montana ever. And rightly so – it’s wise for Miley Cyrus to bow out of the tween market before she, say, embarrasses herself with a set of risque photos. Oh, wait, she’s already done that. Well, OK, before she hooks up with a much-older boyfriend who poses in his pants for a living. Oh, hang on, she’s done that too.

Before Miley Cyrus’s voice gets so deep and hoarse that when most viewers tune into an episode of Hannah Montana they assume they’re watching a foreign version that’s been dubbed using nothing but professional Tibetan throat singers and broken lawn strimmers? Before everyone gets completely sick of seeing her face everywhere? What? Miley Cyrus has already done both of those things too?

You’re not exactly making this easy for us here, Miley. Buck up.

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Did you know that Miley Cyrus designed and built the Large Hadron Collider completely by herself? Well she did.

Because Miley Cyrus is intelligent. She says she’s more intelligent than any of us think. Admittedly that’s not hard – our intellectual expectations of Miley Cyrus are so low that she could burn the side of her face by confusing a hot iron for a ringing telephone and then spend three hours repeatedly clattering into a closed patio door with a confused look on her face and we’d still be impressed.

Miley Cyrus didn’t invent the Large Hadron Collider, by the way.

This is set to be one of the biggest weekends of Miley Cyrus’ life. No, not because she’s threatened to financially alienate her parents forever unless they buy her an Easter egg that’s the exact size and density of Luxembourg, it’s because tomorrow sees the start of her career as an above-the-title movie star with the release of Hannah Montana: The Movie.

It’s a big risk for Miley Cyrus to take – although signs are good thanks to the success of her other film work like that 3D concert movie of hers and Bolt, the comparative failure of the Jonas Brothers movie could be a sign that the tween bubble is about to burst. Also, anyone who pays to see Hannah Montana: The Movie is a galactic tosspot who deserves to fail in every aspect of their life.

Not that Miley Cyrus is worried about any of it, though. She’s got it all planned out. You know why? Because Miley Cyrus is so much smarter than anyone gives her credit for. Sure, she doesn’t go to school, she shares 50% of her DNA with the performer of the worst song in history and she’s so rich that she’s constantly surrounded by people who’ll tell her she’s right even when she’s obviously, glaringly wrong. But still, Miley Cyrus says she’s smart so she must be smart. Look, this is what she told Reuters:

“I almost feel like people think of me as dumb,” said Cyrus, who recently created her own personal “Rumor Patrol” blog on MileyCyrus.com. “I’m like, I’m smarter than you think. You know, I understand what you’re trying to do. It’s all a mind game and what not… It’s really important to me that people think of me as a real artist.”

Oh screw it. You know what? Yes, Miley Cyrus, you are more intelligent than we thought. Those semi-naked pictures of yourself that you posted on the internet were obviously a challenging statement about the media’s sexual idealisation of youth. And that time you made your eyes all slitty in an uncomfortably racist-seeming photograph? Clearly a comment on western paranoia due to the emergence of China as a new global superpower based in part on the teachings of Fareed Zakaria in his tome The Post-American World.

And all that other mental crap that comes spurting out of Miley Cyrus’ mouth like a constant torrent of clueless, badly-thought-out sewage that everybody does their best to ignore but can’t? Well that just proves that Miley Cyrus functions on a much, much higher level than the rest of us. Either that or she’s just preposterously gormless. Who knows?

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Hey kids, are you excited about the Hannah Montana movie? You are? Well you’re doing better than Miley Cyrus, then.

Because Miley Cyrus, um, isn’t. Even though Hannah Montana: The Movie comes out in less than a fortnight, Miley Cyrus is already so bored of the whole thing that she’s ruled out the possibility of making any sequels to it.

You know what this means – no Hannah Montana 2. And no Hannah Montana 3: Hannah’s Big City Vacation. And no Hannah Montana 4: Aquatic Adventuresplash. And no Hannah Montana 5: Requiem For A Tween. Miley Cyrus, you can really be an awful cow sometimes.

If anything ever derails Miley Cyrus’ career in the future, it’s not going to be her weird compulsion to take her clothes off on the internet, her terrifying propensity for possibly accidental racism or the way that her speaking voice sounds like Mumm-Ra’s emphysemic death rattle. No, it’ll be a lack of motivation that does Miley Cyrus in.

Because why would Miley Cyrus want to do anything more with her life? She’s already living a 16-year-old’s dream life – fame, no school, enough money to physically and emotionally bulldoze her parents into doing exactly what she wants, a topless grown-up underwear model to roll around with – so doing anything at all must feel like a terrible chore for her.

That’s why there’s a constant question mark hanging over the future of Hannah Montana, and we’d imagine it’s why – during the world premiere of the Hannah Montana movie trailer – Miley Cyrus was pulling a face like a cat that’s just belched a dogturd up into the back of its throat.

Is it the reason why Miley Cyrus is refusing to make any more Hannah Montana movies after this one this released? Possibly, although Miley’s buggered if she’s going to actually admit it. USmagazine reports:

“I feel like this is a TV show, and we got really lucky with having the material to make one movie,” the actress/singer said Monday, reports UsMagazine.com. “To do another one, I feel like it takes away the reality of it all.”

Miley Cyrus does have a point, of course – making a sequel to a movie adaptation of a money-spinning TV show about a girl with a secret pop star identity, starring the millionaire daughter of the rat-tailer performer of 1992 country crossover hit Achey Breaky Heart would totally take away the reality of it all. Well done Miley. Good use of common sense.

But all joking aside, it’s easy to understand why Miley Cyrus wants to draw a line under Hannah Montana. Keep doing it too long and she’ll end up as a dumpy Sabrina The Teenage Witch-style joke. Besides, Miley probably has so much left that she wants to accomplish professionally. That emotional meltdown and subsequent slow descent into paranoid drug hell won’t just happen by itself, you know.

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But it’s OK. Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to leave Hannah Montana yet. Even though she’s gained success in several other fields, like music and movies and videogames and borderline amateur softcore pornography, Miley Cyrus has vowed to remain on Hannah Montana indefinitely.

And that’s definitely good news, because so long as there’s a Hannah Montana, there’s always going to be a creepy minge-faced father figure lurking around in the background weirding everyone out in the form of Billy Ray Cyrus. And as long as that happens hecklerspray will never go out of business. Hooray for Hannah Montana and hooray for us!

Miley Cyrus knows which side her bread’s buttered. Actually, you know what, that’s a lie. Miley Cyrus doesn’t know what side her bread’s buttered at all. That’s because all her bread would come pre-buttered by one of any number of servants if she ate bread and butter, but she doesn’t because of the carbohydrates in bread and the fat content in butter. But Miley Cyrus definitely knows what side of the celery stick her servants daub vinaigrette on. Wait, now we’ve confused ourselves.

What we’re saying is that Miley Cyrus knows a good thing when she sees it, as demonstrated by her choice of mostly-naked, much older boyfriend. And Hannah Montana is definitely a good thing for Miley Cyrus.

Without Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus would just be a plain old regular country singer’s daughter with no fame, no huge financial control over her entire family and the anonymity to make the normal mistakes of adolescence in private where they won’t be amplified and help to destroy her sense of self-esteem. And, ugh, who’d want that?

But recently there were rumours that Miley Cyrus wanted to leave Hannah Montana to continue developing her career into more mainstream markets like movies and, well, anything that wouldn’t frown upon public nudity quite as much as Disney-made children’s TV shows.

However, Miley Cyrus wants you to know that however successful she may become in other fields, she’ll always be making Hannah Montana. Always. Probably always. Probably. Well, at least until the Hannah Montana comes out, at least. And that’s in April. So Miley Cyrus is definitely going to keep making Hannah Montana until April. MTV reports:

“I can’t really tell exactly what the future will be like, because I didn’t think that at the beginning [the show would be the phenomenon] that it was. I like letting life do its own thing,” the 15-year-old performer said. “[But] I definitely want the TV show to continue as long as it can.”

OK, so maybe all that ‘forever’ stuff was pushing it a bit. Actually we’d be surprised if Hannah Montana was still in production this time next year. But maybe we’re wrong. Maybe Hannah Montana will go on and on and on. After all, it worked for Sabrina The Teenage Witch, didn’t it? Nobody questioned what a puffy-faced middle-aged woman who apparently had the magical powers to change her appearance and yet chose not to use it and had a thing for younger men was doing going to a High School every day, did they?

They did? Oh. Then get out while you still can, Miley.

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It was 1989, and to this day we believe that sweet vocal delivery was sent from heaven on high. You see,  about two hours previously the cashier working inside had informed us the strawberry slurpee-maker was on the fritz, and we were thinking about ending it all as soon as some passing customer dropped a loaded shotgun, a woodman’s axe, or perhaps maybe a small bear or something. Yes, a bear would have done nicely.

But then Debbie Gibson buoyed our spirits the way only a teen icon can when she’s singing in a button-covered jean jacket with it’s collar fully extended. We got up, convinced the 7-11 clerk to just sell us a cup full of pure strawberry slurpee syrup instead, and went off into the night to face whatever challenges may come.

Debs saved our life that night. And to commemorate the love we can’t imagine she doesn’t probably have for us, we recently allowed Stephen Baldwin to get a tattoo of her placed anywhere on his body he wanted to.

Oh wait – that wasn’t a Debbie Gibson tattoo he just got – it was a Hannah Montana tattoo. Literally. Stephen Baldwin literally got a Hannah Montana tattoo inked permanently onto his skin somewhere. Now we’re going to put the word ‘literally’ in italics again just so you get how strange we think this all is – Literally.

Miley Cyrus is totally into older men, which is nice because older men are totally into her too. It’s convenient when things work out like that. The older guy we’re talking about this time isn’t her underpants-loving boyfriend – its Stephen Baldwin. The only evidence we have of this is in the form of a Hannah Montana tattoo the actor recently got because Cyrus herself apparently dared him to.

Now, to make the dare-pact complete, Miley’s gotta get baptised by a hardcore southern baptist, possibly dance with poisonous snakes, and talk way too much about how good Stevie was in The Usual Suspects.

Again, our evidence for all this is pretty weak. Here is every piece of info the Huffington Post has on the slightly-obsessed tattoo thing:

“Stephen Baldwin has branded himself with Hannah Montana’s initials, all because Miley Cyrus dared him to…the 15-year-old dared Baldwin to get Hannah Montana’s initials [tattooed] and in return she would let him appear on her Disney TV show since his daughters are huge fans of the series.”

The whole tatt-thing might sound stupid to some, but remember this – it’s for love. Miley Cyrus may be young, but In some North American countries 15 is the age of consent, and should the two decide to move there they could live out her 15-year-old legally adult life together. This is convenient for both of them because as we hear it her body is already ripe with women-fruit. Its literally swimming with babies that are just aching to get out right now.

We can’t divulge our source on this babies-part yet because he’s fictional and we haven’t made up a name for him yet. Claude sounds good though. Our source’s name is Claude, and he swears to us that Miley Cyrus currently has so many microscopic babies in her body that they keep bumping into each other.

Claude also tells us he once saw a bare-handed Madonna rip the beating heart out of a zoo-gorilla.

More on that story tomorrow.

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In what’s being seen as a clever move to remind them that they’re not as important as they think they are, Barack Obama’s two daughters have been invited to meet the one man on earth who’s more powerful than their own father – Billy Ray Cyrus.

Billy Ray Cyrus has invited Malia and Sasha Obama to visit the set of Hannah Montana, and he’s positive that they’ll accept. After all, Sasha Obama is only a few ears away from reaching that important ‘taking photos of yourself in your underwear and plastering them all over the internet’ phase of her childhood and, by meeting Miley Cyrus, she’ll be getting tips from a veteran.

Now that Malia and Sasha Obama are the first children of America, it’s time they started to embody the character of the country they now internationally represent. That means that one of them has to pose on the front of a glossy magazine in a sexually-provocative way, the other one will have to find a much older boyfriend with a wildly inappropriate job, and if they could also both post candid photos of themselves on the internet and/or get pregnant from a boy they met in church while they’re still at school, then that’d be just dandy.

That’s a lot to ask for the Obama kids, we know – just a few months ago it became clear they were only at the ‘adorably talking about ice cream‘ stage of their development, and that’s no good at all. What Barack Obama’s daughters need is a lesson from an expert in uncomfortably-sexualised teenagers, and there’s no greater expert than Miley Cyrus.

So it’s just as well that Miley Cyrus and her father Billy Ray Cyrus have decided to do the decent thing and invite Malia and Sasha Obama to the set of Hannah Montana, as MSNBC reports:

Billy Ray Cyrus told Access Hollywood that “Hannah” might get a visit from future first daughters Malia and Sasha Obama. “They probably will. The invitation is there,” Miley’s dad said. “The ‘Hannah Montana’ film comes out in April. Maybe something might happen around then. Maybe not. I don’t know… I have got to keep a secret.”

Reading that statement back, the message is loud and clear – there’s a Hannah Montana movie coming out in April. Also, something about Barack Obama. We lost concentration at that point. A Hannah Montana movie! Woo!

Should they accept the invitation, we’re sure that Malia and Sasha Obama will feel right at home. After all, both Miley Cyrus and the Obama kids now live in a fishbowl – figuratively in Miley’s case and, for the Obamas, a literal five-inch thick bulletproof fishbowl issued by the secret service.

Also, while Malia and Sasha’s father is now the leader of the free world, Miley’s dad has facial hair that makes his mouth look like a vagina. We could go on.

However, we’re sure that the Hannah Montana visit will be completely beneficial for the Obama children. If nothing else, once it’s over they’ll be completely proficient at worming money out of tired old institutions. What more could they possibly ask for?

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But for now let’s just assume that Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus famous. It was a great set-up – Disney got hundreds of millions of dollars and Miley Cyrus got to be brought up surrounded by people all too scared to ever disagree with her, giving her dangerously false expectations for the rest of her life – but there may be trouble on the horizon.

Rumour has it that Miley Cyrus feels she’s got too big for Hannah Montana and is trying to get fired from the show. However, Disney has shot down these reports and has promised all the young fans that Miley Cyrus will remain on Hannah Montana forever. Nice try, Miley. Don’t you know that the only way to leave a creatively stifling kid’s TV show is to get pregnant? Did Jamie Lynn Spears teach you nothing?

We get the feeling that Miley Cyrus is trying to grow up and shed her teenybop image at the moment. It might not be obviously apparent, but it’s true – we’ve managed to pick up hints by observing the way that Miley Cyrus keeps taking off all her clothes, has snared herself a 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend and has curiously developed a voice that sounds like Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget.

And quite right too – just because Miley Cyrus is three years away from being able to vote or have sex and six years away from being able to drink and still lives with her parents and isn’t even allowed to go and see Tropic Thunder by herself yet, it doesn’t mean she’s a child.

But there’s one thing standing between Miley Cyrus and her dreams of maturity, and that’s her show Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana is a sensation – it has spawned a movie, sold-out tours, ten CDs, four DVDs, five videogames and 20 novelisations in two years – but it appears that Miley Cyrus might be getting a little bit sick of it holding her back.

Reports this week suggested that Miley Cyrus was going all-out to get the sack from Hannah Montana, by turning up to work late, holding up filming wherever possible and generally infuriating everyone she works with. However, leaving aside the fact that Hannah Montana makes so much money that Miley Cyrus could probably stroll into work clutching the severed head of Nelson Mandela and not get fired for it, Disney and Miley have rushed out statements to deny these reports outright. According to Reuters:

Patti McTeague, a Disney spokeswoman for the “Hannah Montana” show, told Reuters that reports of on-set turmoil were “absolutely not true, pure gossip.” “I am fully committed to ‘Hannah Montana,’” Cyrus told People, “It’s what gave me this amazing opportunity to reach out to so many people.”

Look, everyone, this united front act is nice and all, but you can drop it. If Miley Cyrus wants to leave Hannah Montana, let her.

And so what if Miley’s attempts to become a proper grown-up entertainer leave her twisting in the wind like a modern-day Dustin Diamond because she never realised that people only liked her for being in Hannah Montana? It’s not as if Miley doesn’t have other career options – we’re sure she’ll make a bucketload of money from the tragic, embittered ‘Dad, you stole my childhood’ autobiography that she’ll inevitably write before the age of 25, for example.

And Disney should think of the benefits of Miley Cyrus leaving Hannah Montana too – with her gone, it’ll be free to start up a brand new cacky kid’s sitcom with a younger, cheaper teenage star who’ll quickly get corrupted by fame and end up having bizarre opinions of herself that are far above her station as well. It’s not the end of the world by any means.

Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16.

Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every man, woman and child in the world is making her party public.

Public in Disneyland, which is 85 acres in size, but public nonetheless.

All we need to do is save up $250 then hecklerspray can join in the fun – you can bring beer into Disneyland, right? We’ll settle for gin, mind. October 5 here we come!

There will be 5,000 invites available to anyone that can afford them/can be bothered/is a bit of a mental stalker and all proceeds will be donated to Youth Service America. So not only will you get an expensive, private day out with your best friend Miley Cyrus (she doesn’t know who you are) and 4,999 other people, you get to help five-to-25-year-olds who help people too. It’s win-win.

But why, oh why would a girl just turning 16 want to go somewhere like Disneyland? Well, probably because she’s a girl just turning 16. It makes sense when you think about it. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, our favourite child that gets almost-naked said:

“It’s gonna be an awesome party with more than seven things I like. It’s gonna be totally awesome. I hope it’s a great time… I love roller coasters, so this is my ultimate birthday. I only turn 16 once, so it’s going to be an awesome party with my favorite rides, hanging out with friends, fireworks and more.”

First: what the hell is she talking about with this ‘more than seven things’ malarkey? Is one of those things she likes ‘getting half-naked in a disturbing fashion and having the pictures spread all over the internet’? Second: hanging out with fireworks? What? Is that some new fad that all the kids are into?

Anyway, the seemingly mental Miss Cyrus went on:

“The best part of the party is we’re going to recognize some really cool kids from Youth Service America who are giving back to their community. That’s so awesome because I think it’s really important for kids like us to volunteer.”

So at least there’s something nice coming from it, even if we do actually turn up and ruin things by getting drunk and clogging up Space Mountain with sick, by doing a poo in Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin or by demanding Miley gets off with Katy Perry when we’re at a particular low point.

Regardless of the destruction hecklerspray would bring on through excessive amounts of bodily fluids, at least there will have been a charitable donation along the way, so no one can complain.

Those who care enough can go here to get the tickets, which are available from August 30th. We probably can’t afford flights over if we’re honest, but if someone wants to pick up some cheap travel for us then we’ll happily go – we’ll even take photos and everything.

One more time, for the road, Miley Cyrus has got half naked, someone has taken photos and one more time, for the road, they have been uploaded on to the internet. And we all know how very much the world of the internet loves pictures of 15-year-olds in small amounts of clothing.

She’s fifteen, people. Stop it. If this were a no-name young girl from Bognor Regis then whomever uploaded these pictures would probably receive something of a slapped wrist by the local authorities, but because it’s a superstar Disney child-celeb it’s all fine to go plastering half the internet with scantly-clad photographs of her.

Go on – search for it. You’ll find them on supposedly respectable sites, including FOX News. This is the same FOX News that cries crocodile tears and attempts to whip up public outrage every time anything ‘immoral’ happens in the world. Apparently a small girl in her underwear doesn’t qualify for that same outrage – in fact, it’s news.

If you’ve resisted the tempation to look at these near-naked photos of a child doing the rounds then well done, you’re one of the few that will be allowed to survive the hecklerspray armageddon, which will allow us a fresh start in a world free of the absolute filth of the earth gutter scum that seem to be propagating everywhere the ex-Hannah Montana is popping up.

Not content with appearing on the front of Vanity Fair and making some people – apart from her dad, seemingly – uncomfortable with the semi-nudity on show, Miley went on to have about thirty thousand different pictures of hear nearly with her clothes all (mostly) off and stuff.

Obviously the tweeny little thing apologised for all her actions and went back to work as normal with her Disney cohorts. But she just couldn’t help herself, could she? No, like every other person in the world since the advent of Myspace, she decided she simply had to take even more pictures of herself with very few clothes on.

Kids are idiots, aren’t they? Especially ones very much in the public eye. Either that or they’ve become even cleverer than they’ve ever been and are involved in campaigns to make adults around the world feel slightly uncomfortable with the imagery they are confronted with on supposedly reputable news-based websites.

But no – we aren’t going to judge Miley Cyrus for this. She’s either been very stupid or very smart, and either way she’s grabbed herself a ton of new headlines. No, we’ll go for those of questionable morality that seem to be having so much fun plastering the internet with these images as news.

We now live in a world where it has become acceptable for $14 million to be paid for pictures of babies, and where photographs of an underage girl posing with little in the way of clothes has become front page news – with the pictures (or at least links to the pictures) posted alongside the report.

But at least we can still wait for the ultimate test, to see how low these people will really stoop. According to FOX News:

“DigitalGangster.com allegedly has even more scandalous images of Cyrus.”

Let’s see if the world will actually post what is technically child porn as news. Go on. Let’s really see how fucked society has become.

Sorry, that was confusing. Look – Miley Cyrus, who plays Hannah Montana in the TV show Hanna Montana, has just changed her name from Destiny Hope Cyrus to Miley Ray Cyrus because her Dad is Billy Ray Cyrus and everyone called her Miley Cyrus anyway and she liked the 'Ray' part of her Dad's name.

There, that's cleared all the confusion up.

If you've got children, chances are you know who Miley Cyrus is because your children do nothing but watch her TV show over and over again and again and again like gawping attention span-deficient monkeys. And even if you don't know who Miley Cyrus is, you should probably learn, because she's the sort of ultra-focused, all-singing all-dancing teenage sensation who'll either take over the planet or end up driving her car the wrong way up a motorway on drugs. Either way, you'd do well to remember her name.

Actually, no, don't remember Miley Cyrus' name. Because she's not called Miley Cyrus any more – she's just officially changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus.

Why? Well, it might be because Miley Ray Cyrus' dad is rootin' tootin' early 90s rat-haired achy breaky cowboy Billy Ray Cyrus and she wants to do everything she can to remind people of that, presumably because she enjoys being pelted with bits of old fruit. Star reports:

Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus. Her birth name was Destiny Hope Cyrus. She changed her moniker to reflect her nickname and honor her father, Billy Ray Cyrus. 

Destiny Hope Cyrus? Wow, no wonder Miley decided to change her name – was she originally named after a shop that sells dreamcatchers? And now that Miley Cyrus has changed her name, it can only be a matter of time before all her brothers and sisters – like Accomplishment Optimism Cyrus, Self-Esteem Tenacity Cyrus, Glorious Eaglevision Cyrus and Braison Chance Cyrus – do the same. Braison Chance is real, by the way. We know.

The confusion isn't over just yet, though - Miley Ray Cyrus' body double still has to work out what her name is – but once that's over, Miley will be able to start her life afresh. After all, if the knowledge that she's not explicitly sexually active won't stop the creepy middle-aged perverts from hitting on her, then perhaps the subtle reminder that she might grow up to look like Billy Ray Cyrus will.

Read more:

Miley's Name Change – Star

And the news that Miley Cyrus is replaced each night for one or two minutes so she can quickly get changed has sent shockwaves around the preteen entertainment world. Rightly so, because the Hannah Montana body double bombshell is easily the most outrageous thing to happen to teenage female stars of American kids' TV shows for years.

Apart from, you know, that one who took naked pictures of herself. And, um, the one who got pregnant. 

Between Vanessa Hudgens whipping her blouse off for the internet and Jamie Lynn Spears getting knocked up, Miley Cyrus stands out as the last remaining beacon of purity in a filthy ocean made of pubes and discarded condom wrappers and stuff. The star of Hannah Montana is so innocent that people just often write stories about how she isn't pregnant, just to celebrate her chastity.

But all is not as it seems in the Hannah Montana camp – after all, you can't be a child of Billy Ray Cyrus and not smell a little bit fishy – and now someone has finally nailed Miley Cyrus for being the cheating little upstart that she is.

Although Miley's live Hannah Montana concerts have been so wildly popular that the scrabble for the few remaining tour tickets has closely resembled the plot of festively violent Arnold Schwarzenegger masterpiece Jingle All The Way, it's turned out that the Hannah Montana onstage isn't always Miley Cyrus.

Fan-recorded phone footage of a Hannah Montana concert – that's been whipped from YouTube faster than you could ever imagine – shows Miley Cyrus running offstage mid-song and being covered by a black sheet while a lookalike bounds onstage and mimes the rest of the track. The shame! It's just like that time someone said that Kate Moss' eyelashes were longer than they really are, only about a girl and not some eyelashes.

And now Miley Cyrus' label has been forced to concede that, yes, occasionally a Hannah Montana body double is deployed during the show:

To help speed the transition from Hannah to Miley, there is a production element during the performance of "We Got the Party" incorporating a body double for Miley. After Hannah has completed the featured verse on the duet with the Jonas Brothers, a body double appears approximately 1 – 2 minutes prior to the end of the song in order to allow Miley to remove the Hannah wig and costume and transform into Miley for her solo set. Other than during this very brief transitional moment in the show, Miley performs live during the entirety of both the Hannah and Miley segments of the concert.

How will planet Earth's preteens ever be able to look Miley Cyrus in the eye again, knowing that she's capable of such obscene wickedness? There's only one way to solve this – force Miley Cyrus to give up all her breaks during her gruelling show and make her perform twice as hard night after night after night until her body can handle it no longer. We must not rest until this teenage girl is worked into a burnt-out husk of a human! A husk!

Read more:

Hannah Montana: Body double confirmed – LA Times

Someone who is that impassioned, apparently, is Miley Cyrus. She sees Britney Spears flailing all about publicly and whatnot, and she's gonna fix it. With turkey gravy. Because Britney Spears is going to Miley's for Thanksgiving dinner. Sounds like a fine idea until Hannah Montana's dad walks in and sees his daughter tricked into licking Cranberry sauce off an attention-starved Spears' squishy abs.

Brit'll be on her own this Christmas. Yup.

According to TMZ:

Popwreck Britney Spears was at Petco yesterday, when a reporter asked her if she will be dining at Miley Cyrus' house for Thanksgiving, and Britney said yes. For the love of Hannah Montana!

Apparently is was Cyrus senior – the Billy one – who did the inviting, in his exact words:

We love her. We would love to be there for you and we care about you.

That sounds nice. We love her too, you know. Well, not quite as much as that sissy in the blanket-fort , but a touch more than K-Fed ever did. That's why if dinner at Miley's turns totally lame, like if they make her wear underpants or try to obtain a court ordered urine sample, she is welcome to celebrate the holiday with hecklerspray.

Keep in mind Brits, TG-dinner with the h-spray isn't traditional by any stretch of the imagination. Sure you still have stuffing, bird and taters – but we also have Bruce. He's from the mail room and last year he dressed like a giant roast turkey – oh Bruce! Barb, the lush from marketing, actually took three chunks out of him before she figured out it was a costume. Squirting blood has never been so funny.

The crying though, well that was a touch depressing.