Kendra Wilkinson is full of surprises. Not as full as she is of B.S. – but she’s full of something alright. Kendra is the star of several sex tapes.

Tapes, which according to reports, she tried to sell herself through a production company in 2008.

Oh – did she miss that bit out in her sob story of a cease and desist letter, sent by her lawyer to Vivid Entertainment, when she tried to stop the tapes coming out?

She did. Yes.

Kendra loves sex tapes. We think. If we were to hazard a guess, we would say she loves them so bloomin’ much she wouldn’t be able to stop after filming just one. Moreover, she enjoys these unwholesome activities so much she invites friends to join the fun.

Were they friends? Okay, we don’t really know. But we do know there are reports of multiple naked people in the videos. Multiple people getting in on the fun. That Kendra, she’s such a giver.

We weren’t in the room at the time, nor is there any proof that this conversation (or one like it) ever took place. However, we would guess the conversation between Kendra and her lawyer went something like this.

KENDRA: There’s all these sex tapes of me floating around and some one’s threatening to release them!

LAWYER: So.

KENDRA: So… it’s just the most embarrassing thing ever. I’m a mother now. Respectable. Mothers don’t make sex tapes.

LAWYER. You’re kidding, right?

KENDRA: No, I want this pulled. Send them a C&D and yank it off the Internet.

LAWYER: Sure, I can do that. Can’t make any promises. Kendra, it’s just me and you in here. There’s something I have to know…

KENDRA: Okay.

LAWYER: You were basically concubine to a pensioner, no one thinks you’re mother Teresa. Why do you care about these sex tapes?

KENDRA: (Sigh…) Okay. It never leaves this room… but, I’m mad as heck those fuckers beat me to it!

From Radar Online:

Kendra is threatening to sue over the release of a sex tape she made when she was 18. Vivid obtained the tape and the porn company says it will soon distribute it. And while Kendra has objected, RadarOnline.com broke the news that the E! star secretly made moves to sell the tape in 2008! Documents obtained exclusively by RadarOnline.com show that Kendra engaged a top Los Angeles law firm in late 2008 to represent her in selling the tape. She even formed a company called Home Run Productions, LLC to sell the tape. New documents uncovered by RadarOnline.com show that not only were there multiple sex tapes, as we exclusively reported, but also multiple partners!

To add to the hilarity we are now treated with more detail than we would ever want to know about the multiple sex partners in the video.

She tried to shill the gang bangs herself, and she was already with her (now) husband.

While attempting to sell the tapes in 2008 Kendra was already with Philadelphia Eagles’ wide receiver Hank Baskett, who is now her husband. She needed the approval of Playboy’s Hugh Heffner to go through with the deal, as she was starring in her final season of The Girls Next Door.  And while the deal never went through, the documents governing the deal show that the tapes “featured” her in intimate relations with others.

This was a guest post by the seraph-like Amy Grindhouse

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Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You’ve brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married.

We’re in your debt. Kendra Wilkinson got married to Hank Baskett on Saturday, proving that while Michael Jackson‘s death was sad, it couldn’t never stop something as profound as love.

And, no, we don’t really know who Kendra Wilkinson or Hank Baskett are either. But that’s not important. Look, it was either this or another story about Michael Jackson. Do you want us to keep banging on about Michael Jackson? Do you? Because we can. You don’t? Good. Now shut up.

Kendra Wilkinson has had a hard life. Accidentally named after what we can only imagine is a 1950s kitchen appliance as a baby, Kendra has stumbled from one bad decision to another throughout her entire existence.

And perhaps the biggest bad decision of these involved agreeing to be one of Hugh Hefner‘s girlfriends. True, because of this Kendra Wilkinson got fame, wealth and the chance to live in faded, slightly grubby luxury – but there’s also a strong chance that she had to physically touch Hugh Hefner’s genitals more than once, and being made to cup what appears to be two mouldy walnuts and an exhausted-looking length of uncooked sausagemeat in a loose parcel of chicken wattle with your bare hands is probably something that stays with a girl.

But as of Saturday Kendra Wilkinson was able to put all of those bad decisions behind her and start again completely from scratch by getting married to her boyfriend Hank Baskett. The wedding was a clean break from the past. There was no mention of Playboy or Hugh Hefner – it was just Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett, and that’s all that either of them needed.

Except that, you know, most of the guests were Kendra’s old Playboy model chums. And Hugh Hefner was there. And the entire poxy bloody wedding took place at the Playboy mansion. Still, at least that was it – having a wedding at an ex-boyfriend’s house is sort of fine, we guess, so long as nothing too creepy took place. People reports:

Before some 300 guests, including ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner, the bride and groom Hank Baskett recited traditional vows. Wilkinson wore a white dress with a “tight bodice and poofy skirt”… Like the wedding, the reception was very traditional. While Wilkinson and Baskett danced the first dance to George Strait’s “I Cross My Heart,” the bride saved the second dance for Hefner.

Oh COME ON. Your SECOND DANCE was with Hugh Hefner? WHY? Why would you even DO that, Kendra Wilkinson? What happened after that? Where was the honeymoon? The inside of Hugh Hefner’s mouth? Up Hugh Hefner’s bum? Because that’s where it seems like it should be. Honestly Kendra Wilkinson, we give up. We actually give up.

Although, you know what? If getting married in her ex-boyfriend’s house and then having her second-ever dance as a married woman with the same ex-boyfriend makes Kendra Wilkinson happy, we’re not going to judge her. After all, it worked when Ivana Trump got married in Donald Trump’s garden, didn’t it?

What? It didn’t work? The marriage barely lasted seven months? Oh. Well that sort of negates our point a little bit, then. Whoops.

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Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends are fleeing at an amazing rate – it’s almost as if withered octogenarians aren’t sexy any more, isn’t it.

First Hugh Hefner’s heart was broken by the loss of his number one girlfriend Holly Madison, who made the somewhat perplexing decision to run off with a rubbish emo magician. And now one of his other girlfriends – the equally generic titty model Kendra Wilkinson – has decided to leave Hugh Hefner and get engaged to an American football player as well.

Although Hugh Hefner seems to remain on good terms with Kendra Wilkinson, this news must have nevertheless bruised him quite badly. After all, it’s hardly as if Hugh Hefner lives in a great big house stuffed full of identical booby halfwits all willing to have gruesome, underwhelming sex with a frail 82-year-man just because they’ll probably get a minor role on a crappy reality TV show out of it, is it? Oh.

Hugh Hefner has never wanted for female company. He’s dedicated his entire life to living out a sexually progressive agenda that’s allowed him to have instant quibble-free sex on demand with any number of women who all look so freakishly similar that there’s a strong chance they’ve all been glooped out of a pulsating Alien-style egg tube.

But lately it looks as though the only female company that Hugh Hefner gets is from the women who occasionally visit to wipe his bottom or make sure that he hasn’t been lying at the foot of his stairs meekly calling for help for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

It was only a few weeks ago that Hugh Hefner’s number one girlfriend Holly Madison dumped him, started hanging around with the world’s most easily-ridiculed magician and took to bleating on about how high maintenance Hugh was. And now Hugh Hefner has been dealt another cruel hand.

It turns out that Hugh Hefner’s number three girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, has left him too. According to reports, Kendra Wilkinson has decided that, rather than stick around to act out each and every sexual whim of a sleazy old man, she’s going to get married to Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett. People reports:

“[She] has met someone who she would like to spend the rest of her life with,” Hefner said in a statement on Thursday. The Playboy mogul says Baskett proposed to Wilkinson on Saturday. I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June,” the statement adds.

Oh good. At least Hugh Hefner is going to be giving Kendra Wilkinson away. There’s definitely nothing creepy about that.

However, just because he’s lost Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson in short succession, it’s not all bad news. After all, he may have bid farewell to his number one girlfriend and his number three girlfriend, but that still leaves Hugh Hefner with his number two girlfriend Bridget Marquardt, who’s presumably called his number two girlfriend because she lets him stick it up her pooper.

And besides, rumour has it that Hugh Hefner has replaced Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson with 19-year-old twins named Karissa and Kristina Shannon. You see? Hugh Hefner will never be lonely. Thank God for opportunistic moral-free fame-hungry tit models who couldn’t give off more of a gold-digger vibe if they chopped one of their own legs off.