Picture the scene. You’re in a band and just finished recording an album that in your opinion might just bring every music fan to their knees, trembling in awestruck appreciation of what’s just entered their eardrums.

The record company mightn’t however appreciate the effort which has cost thousands to record and produce. So another cash cow is needed to claw back the money; merchandise.

We’ve all done it when going through the phase of loving one particular band a little too much. Posters, clothes, and stickers are the norm for pop acts, but for artists a little bit more experimental, all sorts of weird and wonderful extras can be found either with the record itself, or as part of a lavish boxset.

We’ve rifled through our own record collection and looked online to find artists offering more than just a bonus CD of demo tracks and videos for the songs on the album.

Is that alright?

Well thank you very much.

Cuh.

Here goes.

Lemon Jelly – Soft Rock 7”

A self-released single due to the band not bothering with sample clearance from Chicago and Black Crowes. Producing ambient electronica with a fun and accessible edge, Fred Deakin (who also runs design studio Airside) decided to do away with the boring 7” sleeve by housing the initial copies in denim sleeves with a condom in the pocket. Copies of the single unsurprisingly fetch less if the rubber addition is missing. Still, that’s no reason to go getting pregnant.

Venetian Snares – A Giant Alien Force More Violent & Sick Than Anything You Can Imagine

The music itself might sound like the demonic din of pots and pans shoved in a washing machine and set on a vigorous spin cycle, but this release had a very different look and style. Housed in a 3″ CD box, a custom-made Viewmaster TV Box can be found with a selection of images. Something to keep you occupied while your ears are being brutalised.

Pigeon* – Mouldy Dough (The Official V/Vm Anthem)

Stockport’s ‘First Lord of Illegal Manipulation of Other Peoples’ Works’, presented the anthem for his more popular moniker, V/VM. Often churning out screeches and wails of punishing white noise that is almost immediately branded shit, we can only assume that Mr V/VM decided to literally give something back to his harsher critics. Alongside the 7” single there’s a zip-lock bag containing a piece of pigeon poo and feather. Strictly limited to 100 copies.

Bjork – Biophilla

We know Bjork is a bit mental and will attack you in an airport if provoked but the luxury boxset for her new album is for the hardcore only. For £500 you’ll get amongst other items, a luxury oak box with the main album, an alternative version, extensive sleevenotes pressed on special paper and most importantly; 10 chrome-plated tuning forks. Why? We don’t know. Why not?

Rammstein – Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da

For their 2009 album release, Rammstein decided to release something that is literally a load of bollocks. The angry Germans decided to release a special box-set that comes with six dildos, a pair of handcuffs and some lube. Perfect for those who really love music and Rammstein. We’re unsure if the dildos are moulds of the bands penises but if it helps, you can pretend that they are moulds of the many penises of Editor Mof.

The Kiss Kasket

Everyone knows that Kiss are a simple bunch and just want to rock all night and party everyday. But why stop rocking in the afterlife? Gene Simmons and co created the Kiss Kasket. He said “this is the ultimate Kiss collectible. I love livin’, but this makes the alternative look pretty damn good. And if buying it seemed like a lousy investment, it has the dual use of a being fridge. Perfect for beer and corpse storage.

Found – Anti Climb Paint

A 7” single, made completely out of chocolate. Best kept in the fridge than on a record shelf. Supposedly lasts ten plays before melting, dissolving or breaking the needle on your turntable. Nice.

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Bald, fat, previously androgynous 1980s homosexual popstars, let this be a lesson – no beating up manwhores with a chain.

We’re being serious. It doesn’t go down well at all. Boy George, king of the bald, fat, previously androgynous 1980s homosexual popstars, has been found guilty of handcuffing a Norwegian male prostitute to a wall, beating him with a chain and threatening to kill him, and now he’s probably going to jail for it.

It just goes to show – never copy Boy George. It was true when you decided to decided to grow those nasty white-boy dreadlocks and it’s true now.

Poor Boy George, he’s such a victim of circumstance. After all, who can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven’t ever hired a Scandinavian male prostitute with the intention of making a number of pornographic photos together? We certainly have. We’ve done that very thing three times already today, and we’re going to use the resulting images on our Christmas cards.

So when Boy George decided that he wanted to make a load of gay porno pictures with Norwegian prostitute Audun Carlsen last year, nobody batted an eyelid. But the thing is with male prostitutes from Norway is that they’re notoriously unpredictable – something which Boy George understood and dealt with by handcuffing Carlsen to a wall. And beating him with a chain. And threatening to kill him, just in case all the stuff with the handcuffs and chain-beating didn’t really get the message across well enough.

Notice we didn’t use the word allegedly once there? That’s because it’s all true – our Christmas cards really are going to feature disturbing scenes of homosexual bondage and, after admitting that he used handcuffs to restrain him, Boy George really has just been found guilty of manwhore-chaining. People reports:

Boy George has been convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort. The singer looked grim as the verdict was delivered. The singer was released on bail until his Jan. 16 sentencing. Judge David Radford warned Boy George that he was likely to face jail time. “The fact that your bail is being continued does not imply that this will be dealt with by a non-custodial sentence. I don’t want any false expectations created.”

No wonder Boy George is looking a possible prison sentence. Jailing Boy George seems like the only sensible option, and not just because everyone knows that if you give Boy George community service, he’ll just run around hitting people with a broom and squealing.

No, we should think of poor Audun Carlsen here – he’s the real victim of Boy George’s crime. Getting chained up and beaten against your will is bad enough at the best of times, but knowing that you could be kept there forever or – worse – have to listen to any of Boy George’s solo albums is almost the dictionary definition of inhumane.

And think of his career prospects – by getting Boy George convicted of a false imprisonment charge, Audun Carlsen probably won’t be able to get any male prostitution work now. The poor boy will probably be reduced to… wait, what’s something that you can be reduced to when your last job involved being paid paltry sums of money to get bummed by chubby hasbeen singers? Is there even anything? No?

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