In news sure to bring a smile to The Beef’s little face, it turns out that his recent car accident will not result in the amputation of his little finger, as has been reported all over the world of the superstars these last couple of days. While the rumours were rampant that Shia himself had told producers on Transformers 2 that he would have to have his Beef pinky removed, these have been greeted by his rep as being ‘fabricated’ and ‘totally untrue’.

Which is good for him.

What’s good for everyone else in the world, though, is the news that George Lucas has seemingly gone back on his original statement that Shiny McBeef would be the new Indiana Jones. For the first time in what would appear to be an absolute age, Lucas seems to have made ‘the right decision’.

Obviously he followed it up with another bad decision immediately thereafter, but you have to really learn to love those small victories.

Shia must have been happy to know he doesn’t need an amputation, and hecklerspray was certainly happy to discover that the young one of the red-meaty name wouldn’t be taking over as the lead in a new Indiana Jones cash-in/adventure (delete as appropriate). Speaking to MTV, Lucas let loose this pearl:

“Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be Mutt Williams And The Search For Elvis or something.”

It’s nice to know George Lucas is a reader of hecklerspray. He must be, coming up with movie titles like that.

But then we realised this meant one thing and one thing only. While Shia LaBeouf won’t be taking the fedora from Indy just yet, it will be staying in the hands of Harrison Ford.

Who is fast approaching 70.

While his turn as the archaeological commie buster in Indy 4 wasn’t the best of outings, it was still verging on believable. In fact, the only truly awful part of the film came from The Beef and his Tarzan impression.

Seriously – why was that considered a good idea?

Anyway – the thought of a 70-year-old kicking arse and making wisecracks is probably pushing things that little bit too far away from hecklerspray’s ability to suspend disbelief, but this doesn’t matter to George Lucas. Speaking about the storyline/artifact possibilities for Indiana Jones 5: Indy Goes to Mecca Bingo, the man who just can’t leave things alone said:

“We are looking for something for him to go after. They are very hard to find. It’s like archeology. It takes a huge amount of research to come up with something that will fit.”

Yes, they’re trying to think of something believable for a 70-year-old adventuring archaeologist to get involved in. Museum curation? Archivist at the local Land Registry? That drunk old bloke down the pub who you will listen to but don’t believe a word of what he says?

The possibilities are endless.

But don’t expect it to show up in the finished movie, because Shia LaBeouf knackered his hand up something rotten in the drunken car crash that he was arrested for this weekend, and it’s ruled him out of any embroidery action – complex or otherwise – for the foreseeable.

Thanks to the extensive hand surgery he’s received in light of the crash, Shia LaBeouf is taking a month away from the production Transformers 2 to recover. But after that, the injuries won’t affect any of Shia LaBeouf’s other upcoming films, like The Spectacular Adventures Of Deformed Claw-Boy and Butchered Useless Finger-Stump: The Musical. Phew.

We’ve had our doubts in the past, but now we’re completely certain that humanity is ruled by an almighty God figure. Just look at Shia LaBeouf, for example. Shia’s been arrested on suspicion of drunkenly flipping his truck after a night out in Hollywood; a misdemeanor charge that’ll probably see him slapped on the wrists and sent home. But God has a far scarier punishment in mind for Shia.

You see, Shia LaBeouf is currently filming Transformers 2 with world’s sexiest woman Megan Fox. So God made sure that Shia LaBeouf’s hand was ruined in the crash, thereby disabling Shia’s ability to rush off to his trailer and masturbate frantically over the mental image of Megan Fox in little tiny hotpants. For, lo, he is a vengeful God.

Anyway, the point is that Shia LaBeouf mangled his hand up horribly in his drunken car crash and, although he’s received extensive surgery to get it back to normal, the injuries have effectively handed Shia a sicknote to keep him away from the Transformers 2 set for a month. The New York Daily News reports:

His reps say he’ll that much time to heal the mangled mitt he received when his truck smashed into another vehicle and rolled across a West Hollywood intersection around 2:30 a.m. Sunday. “Shia is currently recovering from extensive hand surgery with plans to return to work on the set of Transformers 2 within one month,” a statement from LaBeouf’s publicist and lawyers said.

This is yet another setback for the production of Transformers 2. Not only has Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and surgery jeopardised the future of the movie, but it was recently reported that Megan Fox wasn’t fat enough for her role either. Also, Grimlock is refusing to come out of his trailer because he thinks that Scorponok is getting preferential treatment and, oh, it’s a nightmare. Thank heavens for John Turturro, that’s all we can say. That man is a rock.

But Shia LaBeouf’s layoff has deeper implications for Transformers 2, though, because the time off might cause him to slip out of character somewhat. It takes months of preparation to play a generic teen who hangs around giant incontinent robots who speak in a slightly offensive variation of Ebonics. Remember that.