When we make lists, they’re usually pretty easy to do. You just take your own opinion of something, prioritise it and throw it in an article without giving the consequences much thought. As such, we still have people arguing the toss (pun intended) over our ‘Top’ Sci-Fi babes & newscasters.
Of course, some lists aren’t that easy to come up with and require rigorously observed criteria in order to make them acceptable for the delicate eyes of our readers.
Our quest was long and arduous but we got there in the end.
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Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.
And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.
It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.
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Alice Cooper is just great isn’t he? He’s the old dame of rock ‘n’ roll, pissing about with snakes, guillotines and fake blood, all the while, churning out goth-pop and stadium horror rock with a cheeky glint in his eye.
He takes his work about as seriously as hecklerspray takes writing.
Yet somehow, despite the Iggy Stooge shock-tactics and releasing LPs that come in schoolgirl knickers, he’s become a hugely famous star. Your mum probably likes some of his tunes. And so, you should have a nice family day-out to his UK Halloween shows which, in fairness, look like they’re going to be one gigantic laughathon. With cobwebs. However, Alice Cooper needs you… if you’re a freakshow of a human that is.
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Halloween is shit and scary. Britain is shit and scary. Kieran Yates tells you how to dress up for Halloween so you can look shit and scary too. Brilliant.
It’s that time of year again- the pressure is on to create a fancy dress costume that isn’t utterly dismal- in the vain hope that we can do better than slut-cats or stolen-from-NHS bandages to make mummies.
The age of austerity is the age of creativity so we keep being told – and this is the year that we better get creative, so I’m looking to current affairs for inspiration. Read More >>>
To celebrate the upcoming release of his new film ‘The Ward’*, hecklerspray would like to remind everyone of why John Carpenter is, on a good day, one of the greats. Liking John Carpenter is like being an Oasis fan- you still hope that the next release will capture those defining moments that made him/them so vital to you despite the fact that you’ve been hurt so many times.
If you can’t understand why we sound like an abused wife, then you obviously haven’t seen Ghosts of Mars.
Here is a list of films, underneath each title there’s an explanation of why you have to see it. You’ve read magazines so you know how these lazy articles work- either you already like the films and you enjoy reading someone agree with you or you haven’t seen them, in which case you have no interest in reading any of this. Read More >>>
Right and wrong.
Folded:
- Flashback by Calvin Harris (the definition of a ditty. Annoy yourself for liking it)
- Halloween: Vampires (only really frightening if you fear teenagers)
- Burger King ‘Tub Burger’ (or ‘Windows 7’ according to the PR. Looks delicious)
- Zombieland (shouldn’t be compared to Shaun of the Dead, but it will be. Plus, whisper it, it might be funnier too)
- Give in to Twitter (join late; you’ll be glad you did. What with this and Facebook, and even MySpace if you’re really bored, you need never work again)
Creased:
- Pork Pie hat (don’t be tempted. Trust us, you can’t wear one. Only Popeye Doyle can)
- TJ Hooker (Shatner as a police PT instructor? Even his stuntman doesn’t look credible)
- Fight For This Love by Cheryl Cole (Cole as Natasha Bedingfield, only blander. That’s right, blander)
- Halloween: Clowns (what do you mean they’re not scary? Pennywise? Tim Curry? TIM CURRY!)
- Quest (Dave for explorers)
Halloween seems to have lost its bite lately. What’s scary about a couple of children with sheets on their heads asking for confectionery? Nothing.
So how can we make Halloween scary again? Simple – puppets. Puppets and dolls are easily the scariest thing in the entire world. Look at them, staring at you with their cold, dead eyes. They’re terrifying. And we’re pretty sure they all come to life at night and watch you sleep. Seriously, 9‘s released today and that little doll thing freaks us out.
So in the spirit of Halloween we’ve decided to compile the definitive list of culture’s creepiest, freakiest, most uncomfortably nightmarish puppets. Enjoy. And sleep well tonight…
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