On Friday’s Big Brother, the impossible happened – the previously invincible Freddie was evicted.

Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who’ve caught our eye this week – Bea, Lisa and David…

Bea – Bea is undoubtedly the Big Brother housemate who’ll notice Freddie’s absence the most. This is because she’ll be aware that she isn’t constantly being trailed by a screaming raw nerve with red eyes who appears to have learnt how to emotionally respond to various scenarios by watching a mixture of American soap operas and real-life footage of physical torture. So without Freddie around, what will Bea do? Simple – she’s going to hit on Siavash. And then, once he gives into his advances, she’ll spurn him and he’ll cry. It’s good to have a routine to keep to, isn’t it?

Lisa – Another week in the Big Brother house, another eviction that Lisa bewilderingly hasn’t been anywhere near. And for the life of us we can’t understand this. All of the other Big Brother housemates seem certain that Lisa has a gameplan – even though as far as we can see that gameplan appears to involve little more than chainsmoking and speaking with the voice of your dead grandfather – but they never nominate her for eviction. In a sense this is ridiculous. But maybe it’s deliberate – if Lisa isn’t evicted until the final, the sum total of publicity she’ll receive is one truncated post-eviction interview and nothing else. Very clever, other Big Brother housemates. Very clever indeed.

David - Look, we don’t ask much of you people. But can you please let David win Big Brother? We’d be ever so grateful. It’s not so much that David deserves to win Big Brother – or even that he doesn’t deserve to win it least – but if David wins, then he’ll be more likely to get his own TV show. And we know exactly what we want that TV show to be – a half-hour programme called David Off Big Brother Talks About Things. It’d just be David in a room on his own with a small bag filled with bits of paper with various issues – homelessness, love, religion, that sort of thing – and at the start of each episode he’d pull out one piece of paper and talk about it for 30 minutes. What’d be good about it is that after 10 minutes or so David would run out of things to say, and then he’d just sit around looking confused for the remainder of the time. And maybe he’ll cry. It’d be excellent. MAKE IT SO, READERS!

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It’s been an interesting week in the Big Brother house so far, and that’s a sentence we haven’t used since about 2006.

For some sort of complex reason that we haven’t been able to fully grasp, the Big Brother housemates have been allowed to discuss nominations with each other. As well as revealing exactly how much each contestant wants to win Big Brother, it’s also ensured that the last few weeks of the show are going to be more jumpy and paranoid than Amy Winehouse in a haunted hall of mirrors.

It’s also meant that Halfwit and Marcus will be facing eviction from the Big Brother house tomorrow. It should be a close one, so let’s have a looky…

Halfwit – Look, earlier in the week we said that Halfwit’s invincible run of surviving evictions was over. And this admittedly seemed to be the case following the gigantic row in the Big Brother house over Marcus and the missing cigarettes, when Halfwit waded in and seemed to deliberately make himself the villain of the piece for no good reason whatsoever. But this week Halfwit is up against Marcus, which somewhat tragically means that he’ll probably survive yet another eviction. This is awful news – it means that he’s bound to become even more unbearably smug than usual. And remember that he’s a young Conservative who lives in a mansion with his parents and a large collection of linen jackets, so his level of unbearable smugness is already fairly high. Still, on the plus side another survival means that it’ll hurt Halfwit more when he doesn’t win Big Brother. And he mustn’t win Big Brother, understand?

Marcus - As much as it pains us to say it, it looks like Marcus will be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow. And it’ll be a shame, because we feel that we’ve gone on a journey with him. We remember it well – the bit at the start where he seemed like a normal bloke, the bit where he went a bit weird and appeared to threaten Sree with violence, the unsettling bit where he temporarily became Noirin‘s stalker, the bit after that where he wrapped himself in a duvet and refused to move from the Big Brother garden, the bit where he turned everyone against him by hiding their cigarettes, and all the bits where he wanked in the toilet which made up about 98% of his time in the Big Brother house. Goodbye Marcus. We’ve never met you and, well, we’re OK if that arrangement extends indefinitely.

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So on Friday, Lisa was the housemate officially least likely to win Big Brother, and all of Davina McCall’s links were rendered inaudible by mob chanting “Get Lisa out!”

So, naturally, Hira was evicted. Poor Hira, a victim of Big Brother‘s ‘vote to save’ policy last week. Still, we’ll remember you Hira. That was your name, right? Hira? We can’t really mentally place your face, but if you come up to us and tell us your name, there’s about a 50% likelihood that we’ll remember you.

Anyway, onto the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week – Dogface, Halfwit and Rodrigo…

Dogface - We’ve got our fingers crossed that Dogface will be the next Big Brother housemate to be evicted. And we’re saying that out of love – getting evicted would be for her own good. After all, it goes without saying that Dogface is this year’s Big Brother housemate who’s most likely to end up nude on the front cover of Nuts. That’s how she’s going to make her living for the next few years, and it’d be stupid to think otherwise. However, since Kris was evicted all those weeks ago, Dogface has done nothing but eat. And as a result, she’s bloating out like a corpse in a lake. This poses two problems – every day she continues to swell up inside the Big Brother house, the less chance she’ll have of posing topless for magazines. Similarly, if she’s evicted on Friday then Dogface will only need a couple of gallons of liquid soap and a crowbar to get her through the front door of the Big Brother house – any longer than that and producers will have to take the roof off and use a crane.

Halfwit – Remember at the start of Big Brother when Halfwit survived about eight evictions in a row? Yeah, that probably wouldn’t happen now. And it’s all Bea‘s fault. By showing the slightest flicker of interest in him, she’s turned Halfwit from an endearingly odd buffoon into the world’s most hamfisted lothario. He’s become genuinely uncomfortable to watch – he’s clearly aiming for Wordsworth, but he’s fallen short and hit Pam Ayres after an illegally large dose of HRT instead. The disgusting thing is, it seems to have worked – Bea actually kissed him last week. On the mouth. Ugh. Without question, Halfwit has worn out his invincibility now, and he’d be lucky to survive another eviction. Also, what kind of anarchist wears a linen jacket? We mean honestly.

Rodrigo – An apology: when Rodrigo entered the Big Brother house all those weeks ago, we claimed that he was like Kenneth from 30 Rock. We’d like to take that back. In actual fact, Rodrigo is like Kenneth from 30 Rock being flicked repeatedly in the eyeball by a cackling toddler – he’s perfectly kind and innocent 98% of the time, but now and again he’ll lash out with a genuinely confusing intensity. In fact, we’ve started to play Angry Rodrigo Bingo while watching Big Brother, and we suggest that you do too. What you do is make a grid of squares, and fill the squares with a number of arbitrarily chosen objects or scenarios – every time Rodrigo loses his rag about one of them, you cross it off. First one to make a line wins. It’s great – just last Friday, in fact, we won a large cash prize because Rodrigo managed to lose his temper about Chocolate Mix, being tickled, a swimming pool and the prospect of the Queen not replying to his letter. Seriously, you should try it.

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Thanks to Kenneth rubberstamping his tossishness by legging it over a wall last week, there wasn’t a Big Brother eviction on Friday.

But there’s still one less Big Brother housemate than there was on Friday morning, and that’s all thanks to Tom. Tom – who you may recognise as the muscular posho who periodically thought he was Maxwell from Big Brother 2005 – also left the Big Brother house this weekend because – oh, actually, who cares? He was rubbish anyway.

Instead of profiling the housemates who’ve caught our eye this week, we’re actually going to look at some of the loose Big Brother couples today. Exciting…

Noirash (Noirin and Siavash): The biggest news of the Big Brother week – apart from the fact that Big Brother chose a bunch of tedious flakes to be the new housemates – is the kiss between Noirin and Siavash. Did Noirin kiss Siavash because she heard that he was a favourite to win Big Brother? Did she do it to forcefully demonstrate to Marcus that she isn’t interested in him? Did she do it because she’s a compulsive attention-starved tease with zero self-esteem who constantly needs a man to chase her to validate herself? Or does she just really, really like crappy-looking beards? Maybe we’ll never know. And we’ll never know because Marcus is currently millimetres away from the edge, and by ‘the edge’ we clearly mean ‘bludgeoning Siavash to death with the back of a shovel’. Still, it was beautiful while it lasted.

Chodrigo (Charlie and Rodrigo): Although all the Big Brother focus has been on Siavash and Noirin this week, there’s also been a slow creep towards relationship status between Charlie and Rodrigo. And not a moment too soon, either – what with the bed-soaking and the bottle-throwing, their semi-affectionate horseplay was getting darker and darker by the minute, and seemed bound to end up with Rodrigo carving the words ‘WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?’ into his chest with some broken crockery. However, the timely introduction of David into the Big Brother house scared Charlie and Rodrigo into having a big gay snog with each other last week, and it seems likely that they’re only going to get closer and closer until one of them gets evicted. And it had better be Charlie. God, he’s awful.

Barfwit (Bea and Halfwit): In short, Halfwit clearly wants a piece of Bea but she isn’t having any of it. This is either because she doesn’t want to be tarred as an opportunistic hussy by getting together with a man on television, or because she’s freaked out by the idea of kissing Ming The Merciless‘ unbearable inter-railing nephew. We don’t know which of these is true, because we genuinely don’t care about either of them.

Later this week: The Big Brother eviction nominees. Provided there is an actual eviction this time. Cuh.

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We’re confused. Scared and confused. Scared and confused and incontinent. And it’s all Big Brother‘s fault. Sods.

Why? What did Big Brother do? It didn’t nominate Halfwit for eviction this week. Don’t these idiots understand how Big Brother works? Nothing ever happens and then Halfwit gets nominated for eviction. THAT’S HOW BIG BROTHER WORKS, IDIOTS!

But this week, oh no. The Big Brother housemates have realised that a bucket of plague couldn’t shift Halfwit from the house, which is why Shiavash, Dogface, Noirin and Karly are up for eviction instead. So let’s have a bloody look at them, then…

Siavash – Hey, fans of genuinely mental facial hair! Relax! Your hero Siavash should be safe this week. You see, Siavash has pulled off a very unusual trick in recent weeks. It’s known as ‘being fairly reasonable’. We don’t know where he got it from – we’re assuming that he copied it from someone, because nobody with a dress sense that alarmingly awful could come up the the idea of niceness by himself. And besides, Siavash was only put up for eviction this week because he’s got a slightly dirty mouth. And remember kids, swearing is cool AND grown up!

Dogface – You know when you go to the zoo and there’s a old couple of lions? And then the boy lion dies and the girl lion spends two months forlornly staring out into space before dying as well? Strap a pair of ridiculous comedy tits onto the girl lion and that’s basically Dogface’s predicament inside the Big Brother house. Since Kris was evicted, Dogface has had little to do except mope around, halfheartedly fend off a number of lesbian advances and moderately swear. The swearing’s why she’s been nominated, by the way. It’s like a kind of verbal euthanasia, or something.

Noirin - Look, we’re going to stick our neck out here and beg you. You absolutely must not vote Noirin out of the Big Brother house this week. By general consensus, this has been the dullest Big Brother ever, and the only housemate even attempting to punctuate that is Noirin. Yes, she’s opinionated. Yes, she’s loud. Yes, she’s completely alienated everyone else in the Big Brother house by acting like an uppity brat – but without her, what would Big Brother be? Three months of Rodrigo being reasonable? Ugh. UGH. Plus Noirin keeps promising to get naked and she hasn’t yet. That reason too.

Karly – And then there’s Karly, the favourite to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. Which is bizarre, because it goes against every piece of Big Brother logic we’ve ever heard. Usually the public will need to remember that a housemate actually exists to evict them, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with Karly. She’s tried to slip under the radar and failed, probably because she’s too busy doing her best to look like Fearne Cotton if Fearne Cotton had been born in a caravan and then bullied into prostitution at an early age by an abusive step-father figure. Anyway, it looks like Karly’s a goner.

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Hooray! Kris and his ridiculous floppy clown wig have been evicted from Big Brother! We never have to type the word ‘Krogface’ ever again! Hooray!

Let’s not dwell on Kris’ Big Brother eviction because, well, it was boring and he was boring and hopefully he’ll go away now. Instead, let’s focus on the good news – Big Brother is finally introducing some more housemates this week! Brilliant! A bunch of people who the Big Brother producers deemed to be even less interesting than the current lot are going into the least-interesting Big Brother house ever! Boy oh boy, this is going to be… oh, what’s the word? DULL!

Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who have caught our eye this week…

Noirin – Noirin has spent the majority of the last week in the Big Brother house shouting at people. In particular she’s spent it shouting at boys. In particular she’s spent it shouting at boys who she has flirted relentlessly with because they had the temerity to think that, by flirting with them, she was actually flirting with them. Understand? No, us neither really. Either Noirin has a Something About Mary-style magical magnetism that attracts every man she meets to her, or all the boys in the Big Brother house are mental evil-eyed stalkers. And one of them is Marcus, so who can really say for sure? Of course, the third option is that Noirin has an absurdly high opinion of herself, even though she’s not quite as pretty as she thinks she is and not quite as clever as she thinks she is, and she treats everyone like an arsehole because of this. Or something. Look, we don’t know.

Dogface - Now that Kris has been evicted from the Big Brother house, it’s an absurdly exciting time to be Dogface. For over a month she’s suppressed her personality to maintain the dynamic of her relationship with Kris, but now she’s free she can soar. That’s assuming that Dogface does have a personality, of course – so far we’ve got the impression that she’s a pair of comically large boobs, a pointlessly gigantic haircut that looks like a peroxide tumour and very little else. But maybe Dogface can surprise us – maybe she’s a genius. No, that’s too much of a stretch. Maybe she has an above-average level of intelligence. No, that’s also too much of a stretch. Maybe she’s as clever as everyone else in the Big Brother house. No, once again that’s probably too much of a stretch. Maybe Dogface will be able to, with assistance, string a rudimentary sentence together. Yes, that’s much more like it. Miracles do happen, you know.

Halfwit - Oh look, there’s no point in us discussing Halfwit here, because he’s bound to be up for eviction this week again. Come back on Thursday and we’ll talk about him – particularly his new haircut, which makes him look like Ming The Merciless if Ming The Merciless had joined a youth-based committee for social organisation rather than just plunging straight into the whole galactic dictator thing.

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One of the problems of this year’s Big Brother is that only two housemates have ever been nominated for eviction at a time.

Which would be OK, except that the public’s inexplicable love affair with Halfwit means that he’ll never get evicted. The evictions are a foregone conclusion right from the get-go. But things are different this week, oh things are different alright. Halfwit’s up for eviction, as ever, but so is Kris, Dogface, Charlie and Marcus. Big Brother is exciting again!

Well, maybe not ‘exciting’ per se, but, um, you know… oh, let’s just look at their chances of getting evicted, OK?

Charlie – We’ve yet to write a single thing about Charlie so far, and that’s for a very simple reason – he never does anything. Or maybe he does and we never pay attention to him, probably because his voice reminds us of what Marcus Bentley‘s voice would sound like if he fell down a pit, broke his leg and stayed there for a week. Anyway, it’s fairly certain that Charlie won’t get evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. This isn’t because he’s nice, though – it’s because his entire life’s ambition seems to be centred around coming fourth on Big Brother. And we don’t to break the poor lad’s heart.

Halfwit - Halfwit won’t go because, duh, he’s Halfwit. He’s Halfwit The Invincible. Nothing can kill Halfwit The Invincible! Nothing! Not a public vote-off against Cairon, not a public vote-off against Sree, nothing! We’ve calculated that it’ll be another three weeks before Halfwit’s continued survival genuinely makes him legitimately believe that he’s really invincible and he’ll throw himself off the roof of the Big Brother house to prove it. Three more weeks. Stick in there, kids.

Dogface - Now, it’s easy to say that Dogface won’t be evicted from Big Brother this week because she’s got gigantic tits. But this isn’t the case whatsoever – remember that the majority of Big Brother voters are teenage girls, and they don’t like rewarding girls for having big tits; they like happyslapping girls with big tits and voluntarily putting the assault on the internet. So why do the teenage girls like Dogface enough to keep her in Big Brother? Is it because she’s… a nice… person? No, that doesn’t sound right at all. God knows what the bloody answer is.

Marcus – What? Marcus is only second-favourite to be evicted from Big Brother this week? Why? Didn’t you see him on Friday’s show? He was all “Why dahhn’t you caahm ovah ere an fackiiiin say that?” to Sree, before storming into the Big Brother house and launching into such an impassioned anti-PC defence that it would have made Jim Davidson cry tears of gratitude. Marcus is a villain. Marcus is clearly a villain. He’s so much of a villain that he literally spent the other day walking around the Big Brother house twirling his moustache. What more do you people want? Should we supply him with a child-catcher net? Would that help? Christ.

Kris – And that leaves us with Kris, who is apparently the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. Once again, we’re not sure why. If Kris goes, the mantle of heterosexual male totty will automatically fall to Shiavash, a man who looks like a Salvador Dali painting of a sinister teddy bear. Actually, we’re being disingenuous here – we know exactly why Kris is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother. It’s because his Krogface relationship has turned him from a swaggering cock into something worse – the mimsying kind of tosspot who never bothers to interact with anyone else because he’s too busy nuzzling his girlfriend. But, seriously, that makes him worse than Marcus? Seriously?

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Another week, another set of Big Brother eviction nominations. Ho hum.

Incidentally, does anyone else think that we’re due some fresh blood in the Big Brother house? We’re 29 days into the show already, and the most exciting thing to have happened was when Noirin drew on her own face. This is easily the dullest Big Brother on record, and the best way to liven it up would be to introduce a new housemate. Or a flesh-eating virus. Actually, let’s go with the virus.

Tomorrow will see the Big Brother eviction of either Sree or Halfwit. Let’s take a closer look…

Halfwit – We’ll say one thing for the Big Brother housemates this year. They may not agree on everything. They may not be able to do anything without coming off like a band of clueless dickfaces. In the case of Rodrigo they may not be able to speak out loud ever. But they are determined to get Halfwit out. This is the fourth consecutive week that Halfwit has been nominated for eviction, and it’s probably going to be his fourth consecutive survival. And it’s suddenly become quite enthralling to watch. It’s hard to tell what’s going to break first – the housemates’ gross inability to realise that Halfwit is quite popular with the public, or Halfwit’s psyche. Let’s make this as clear as we absolutely can – we want Halfwit to stay in the Big Brother house. Because that way he’ll be nominated again next week. And then again the week after. And then again the week after that. And then he’ll snap, stab someone in the throat with a pair of kitchen scissors and get lugged off to an institute for the criminally insane for the rest of his life. And isn’t that exactly what Big Brother has been missing all these years?

Sree - It’s a surprise to see that Sree has been nominated for eviction this week. But that’s only because, in a just and fair world, Sree would have been evicted from Big Brother long, long ago. Each year there’s always a housemate who behaves so awfully thanks to their absolute lack of social skills that they end up getting prematurely bullied out of the house. This year that should have been Sree. His treatment of Noirin has bordered on full-on stalking, he’s had inexplicable blow-up after inexplicable blow-up at several of the other housemates and, worst of all, he died his hair orange. Literally orange. What kind of idiot would willingly dye their hair orange, for crying out loud? An untrustworthy idiot, that’s who. Still, there’s no point getting into this too much – Sree is up against Invincible Halfwit and so his eviction is all but guaranteed tomorrow. Tenner says he cries.

Next week – the whole sorry cycle, all over again.

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On Thursday night the Big Brother housemates voted for nominations live in an attempt to boost ratings.

And it certainly worked because we, um, forgot to watch that particular episode of Big Brother. With dedicated fans like us, no wonder the show’s going from strength to strength. But anyway, it turns out that the Big Brother housemates nominated for eviction tonight are Angel and Halfwit.

One of them has to go – and it doesn’t take a genius to work out which one it’ll be – but for the sake of tradition let’s get down to it and assess their chances of Big Brother survival anyway…

Halfwit – Forget Krogface (yes, we’re still sticking with the Krogface thing. It’ll catch on eventually, we promise) because Halfwit is the only reason to watch Big Brother at the moment. That’s not necessarily because he’s witty and charismatic – because he’s neither, and his stupid voice makes us fantasise about pushing him down a flight of stairs – but because the people in the Big Brother house still haven’t caught onto the fact that he’s inexplicably popular with the public. This is Halfwit’s third nomination in three weeks, and it’ll probably be his third eviction survival. Before long they’ll start to realise that Halfwit is a fan favourite and then – plagued by the knowledge that the viewers prefer a simpering aristocratic bellend with a crap beard to them – they’ll start self-harming for attention. Or Halfwit will get so annoyed by being nominated by his peers week after week that he’ll start smothering them in their sleep. We don’t really care which of these happens first, so long as one of them happens.

Angel – Poor old Angel. She’s up against the confusing might that is Halfwit, and she doesn’t stand a chance. In a way it’ll be sad to see Angel go, because she’s a genuine Big Brother eccentric. What’s more, she’s possibly the horniest Big Brother housemate in years, too – at the last count she’d fallen love with Noirin, made Halfwit fall in love with her and sort of did something dangerously approaching attempted rape on Sree – and given a few more weeks with no action in the Big Brother house there’s a very strong chance that Angel would have started graphically licking herself like a domesticated animal. On the other hand, though, it won’t be too much of a shame to see Angel go, because it means that Big Brother is one step away from ending. So let’s assume that Angel is out tonight. We just hope that she leaves the Big Brother house as she enters it – in slow motion, wearing a top hat, doing cack-handed mime moves and getting booed by just about everyone on the entire planet.

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Wow, Big Brother‘s fascinating this year, isn’t it? Oh, don’t nod and pretend you’re watching it this year – nobody else is.

So for everyone who’s studiously avoiding the show, here’s what’s happened on Big Brother so far: Krogface (yes, we’re sticking with the Krogface thing even if nobody else is) might have had sex. The Russian one stopped eating for a little while. And, oh, what was that other thing? Oh yes, that’s it – nothing else happened at all.

This week, Big Brother will evict either Halfwit or Cairon. Who goes? Nobody cares. But let’s take a look anyway…

Halfwit – Two weeks in and Halfwit has already been nominated for eviction from Big Brother twice. That wouldn’t be a particularly great record to have at the best of times, but on this year’s Big Brother – where the competition is made up of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, The World’s Dullest Homosexual and a Russian who’d probably edge Joseph Stalin out of the top spot in terms of ability to irritate – that’s really got to hurt Halfwit’s feelings. It seems as if the other Big Brother housemates dislike Halfwit because he’s so proudly intellectual. Or because he’s an endlessly smug bastard with the most punchable face in the history of reality television. It’s hard to tell. Either way, Halfwit seems to have connected with the fraction of the public that still watches Big Brother, so his position is probably safe for the time being.

Cairon – Cairon, on the other hand, is the hot favourite to be evicted tomorrow night. It’s clear to see why – he’s so busy strutting around the Big Brother house calling everyone “jive-ass monkey-humpers,” or whatever it is he says, and generally giving off the impression that his ultimate goal in life is to become enough of a racial stereotype to have Samuel L Jackson play him in the eventual movie adaptation of his life that he’s forgotten to actually be nice to people. So let’s just assume that Cairon is on his way out of Big Brother. That’d make him the second black housemate in a row to be evicted from this series, and the third non-white housemate. Is this a reflection of the BNP’s comparative success in the recent European elections? Or is it simply because everyone on Big Brother this year is a hopelessly unlikeable bellend who should, by rights, be fired out of a cannon into a brick wall, regardless of the order in which they’re evicted? We wish we cared enough to think this through properly.

Next week: More of this Big Brother nonsense.

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As far as Big Brother goes, tomorrow is going to be a huge day – it’s the first real Big Brother eviction of the year.

And you know what that means? It means that there’s only going to be another seven evictions, then the introduction of four more housemates, then another six evictions, then some more introductions, then some evictions, then a re-introduction, then some more evictions and Big Brother will all be over! Hooray!

Anyway, this week’s Big Brother eviction is between Sophia and Freddie, also known as Halfwit. Who’ll go? Let’s find out…

Halfwit – We know this isn’t going to be a popular thing to say, but we’ve actually developed quite the soft spot for young Halfwit over the short amount of time that Big Brother has been on air. For the first time in years, Big Brother has found a genuinely unpredictable housemate. Not in the tiresome ‘Gor, look at me! I’m being deliberately eccentric!’ way that propelled Crazy Pete to victory all those years ago, but more in the sense that you literally can’t ever guess what he’s about to do. Tuesday’s Big Brother, for example, was a masterclass in guile-free cluelessness – first Halfwit gave a lecture about how he’s an anarchist (just one who’s really, really structured in everything he does); then he cooked a salad using the all the eggs in the house and people got angry and he had to hug someone because he was sad; then he decided to put everything right by performing an Italian aria for everyone, followed by an encore of Summertime that was seemingly inspired by the dying yelps of a homeless man. If Halfwit gets evicted from Big Brother tomorrow, and we don’t say this with any exaggeration, it’ll be the worst thing that’s ever happened to mankind.

Sophia - Similarly, Sophia must leave Big Brother on Friday. She just must. For starters, there’s already a Sophie, a Sophia and a Saffia in the Big Brother house this year, which just seems like shoddy planning on the part of the producers. And then there’s Sophia’s mood-swings, which caused her to lurch from ecstatic euphoria to frightening anger within the space of about three seconds earlier this week. In fact, given the way Sophia’s outburst was treated in the televised broadcast, it seems as if she’s the first disabled Big Brother housemate in about five years who we’ve actively been encouraged to dislike. And we’re all for being discouraged to dislike people. So, yes, her out please.

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