You know Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, the young twins who you've barely ever thought about in your entire lives, especially recently?

Yeah, PETA bloody hates them. Although Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are just living the sort of life that people of their youth and wealth are expected to – riding around in carriages made of knitted saffron, employing small Taiwanese children to cling onto the soles of their feet and act like super-chic screaming shoes, eating spacedust through straws made of the spines of deceased international dignitaries, that sort of thing – PETA has singled the pair of them out for the full brunt of their abuse because they wear fur coats now and again. That's right, PETA doesn't call them Mary-Kate And Ashley Olsen any more – it calls them Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen.

And that's fighting talk right there.

PETA – the organisation that promises to keep showing us pictures of naked women until the fur trade has been stamped out entirely, the bastards – tends to only deal in black and white. If PETA likes you then it'll call you sexy. But if PETA doesn't like you, then you should expect a right rough ride from the group.

If it's not dumping horseshit on your doorstep or spoiling your dinner or – worst of all – making Heather Mills chase you around dressed in a great big telly, then PETA is destroying your credibility by making a vaguely substandard Flash game about you on its website. And that's the hell that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are going through right now.

PETA's new campaign to stop people wearing fur or eating meat or wearing leather or torturing rabbits or smiling or having fun involves two characters named Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen, obviously based on Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen – two people who PETA has got the hump with because they won't stop wearing bits of dead animals when they go out. According to PETA:

Some say that Hairy-Kate and Trashley are guilty of offending their fans with some major fashion boo-boos, but here at peta2, we think that's the understatement of the year! The twins' heartless decision to wear fur and include it in their new fashion line, The Row (more like "Death Row"), is worse than a fashion no-no—it's cruelty to animals. The Trollsens have ignored our pleas to stop wearing fur—and have since added horribly ugly fur items to their new clothing line. It's obvious that we need your help to convince them that wearing fur is wrong and hideous!

And it doesn't stop there – PETA has also made a video about Mary-Kate and Ashley that's based on a sitcom we've never watched and full of references that mean nothing to us. It's hilarious… 

All very clever, we're sure. But none of these dreary tactics endear us to PETA at all – in fact, if anything it just makes us feel sorry for the Olsen twins. After all, it's easy to judge and mock them for wearing needlessly cruel pieces of outerwear, but one of them is doing it with Lance Armstrong, for God's sake. Lance Armstrong! Haven't these people suffered enough already?

Read more:

Meet The Trollsen Twins – PETA