Pink has given birth to a baby girl. A stupid, stupid baby girl. A baby that will cry, defecate, vomit and drag every ounce of Pink’s sorry life out of her until she’s even more of a husk than she was before. And we’re supposed to care. We’re supposed to give a flying fuck.

See, this is what happens when someone completes the tedious biological feat of unifying a sperm and an egg. We’re supposed to coo about how beautiful a moment in human history it is, despite the fact, as underlined in the thousands of housing estates in Britain, even the most dithering thicket-brained bovine can get pregnant.

Effectively, all a baby is, is a signal that condoms are brilliant and that a person has decided to completely give up on life, in favour of bestowing their flickering hope on another human who, obviously, will continue the cycle of failed potential, in turn, having children of their own and perpetuating the notion that where there are future humans, there is hope.

Of course, humans don’t bring hope – only despair and occasional distraction from the clawing, growing inner self-loathing that will one day consume us all while we sit in our nursing homes, surrounded by yet more filled nappies and mashed up food. We exit the world in the same way we entered it – crying and helpless.

But that’s not stopping Pink from being filled with that irritating, misguided glow that new mothers shove down everyone’s throats in the form of endless identical baby photos and dribbling sycophancy over a child that is, ostensibly, exactly the same as every other stupid child.

She tweeted, unaware of the doom about to face her:

“We are ecstatic to welcome our new beautiful healthy happy baby girl, Willow Sage Hart. She’s gorgeous, just like her daddy. #beyondblessed.”

Pink will invariably have such pride in her offspring, thinking that it is some kind of miracle (it isn’t a miracle – dogs have sex and they’re stupid, dirty creatures) that needs to be shared with the world. She’ll sit her little fucking baby in cafes, oblivious to the fact her shrieking runt is making everyone else apoplectic with rage. She’ll pop her little bundle of git on planes, where decent, upstanding humans will all jostle for position at the emergency exits mid-flight, in an attempt to escape the horrors of a mother’s joy and a tiny red-faced shit factory.

What will make Pink even more unbearable about this wickle migraine-waiting-to-happen, is that she’s had a miscarriage in the past. Of course, the trauma of a miscarriage isn’t a joking matter, but we should treat successful pregnancies with even more concern. Miscarriages can wreck a family’s life. Baby’s can make entire restaurants miserable. Forever. With their constant screaming and grating gurglings.

And worse still, childless simpletons will coo at how astonishing this all is, tittering at tiny trainers bought for this grabbing tit-vulture. They’ll hoot at how tiny the baby’s nails are, before grimacing with pain as the monstrous sprog embeds these translucent finger razors into their arm! Their eyes will fill with water and through gritted teeth, as the baby reaches the marrow of the bone, they’ll whimper ‘she’s got her dad’s… dad’s… eyes… hasn… hasn’t she? Is… isn’t she l… lovely?’

All this horror for what? A future toddler throwing handfuls of its own muck at everyone, eventually turning into a greasy teenager, before flowering as someone who temps in an office because of the crushingly unemployment, exacerbated by guess what? Correct! All those fucking babies that were born. Even worse, they could end up like us.

Do share your well wishes in the comments below.

Pink once sang “where have the smart people gone?” in her song, ‘Stupid Girl’, which sneered at those who get their breasts out for fame and chatter about the inane while tragedy besets the world.

And so, with that, the ‘I’ve Got My Boobs Out In Public In The Name Of Staying In The Public Consciousness But I Was Being Ironic Or Empowering Depending On What My Publicist Told Me’ popstar has got something very important to tell us.

She’s had a rotten haircut. Hilariously, everyone decided to point at it and laugh.

Pink, who thinks that girls are too willing to prance around in their underwear for fleeting fame and, not in anyway connected, rose to stardom when she appeared in lacy undergarments in the Lady Marmalade video, decided to point at her brains on twitter, but instead, talk about the furry layer that covers it.

Talking about her hair, she said:

“The woman that did my hair butchered it.

“I hate it.”

Now, Pink fans must be a very specific type of popfan. Too cynical to enjoy a Miley Cyrus record, but lacking in the testes to get into ‘proper’ rock music. However, one thing they’ve learned is that they should be independent and that they should be honest and tell it like it is. It’s okay to be an opinionated ‘outsider’ because Pink told them so.

With that, they all promptly went about telling Pink how dreadful her haircut is.

Pink responded with:

“Thanks for pointing out how much you all hate it, too. helpful.”

Then, the seismic news shift happened. Like a 3 minute warning that the world was going to end, Pink delivered a staggering blow with some astonishing insight.

She wrote that her husband Carey Hart cheered her up a bit by making some toast and bringing it to her in bed.

She signed off with:

“I love my man.”

So there. The news is basically this: Pink has had some toast and a haircut.

Did you feel that? It was the Earth tilting on its axis slightly. MASSIVE.

STOP THE PRESSES! Justin Bieber has had a haircut! Sweet blimmin’ crikey! Is he okay? Is everyone else feeling alright? Do foetuses even have enough hair to warrant an actual cutting of hair?

So many questions.

What prompted this outrageous, axis shifting decision? Is there a shadowy cartel forcing the 9 week old Bieber to sell his hair to Russian oligarchs who are attempting to clone the young singer into a ruthless, blood-thirsty army who are really good at miming?

Of course, Justin Brave Machine (that’s what he should be called now) is playing the whole thing down like it’s nothing much.

The pre-natal heartthrob has said that he just needed “a change” and just went out and got himself a haircut. However, things are never this simple. He knows only too well that the length of his fringe has a direct correlation to the mood of Colonel Gaddafi… only Bieber knows if shorter hair will save lives, or end them.

Not addressing the situation at all, Bieber got his marrow cut and Tweeted

“yeah so it’s true…i got a lil haircut…i like it…and we are giving all the hair cut to CHARITY to auction. Details coming soon.”

Aaaah! We see now! This saw one of his fans gurgling

“Proud of you young man..Your fearlessness is 2nd to none! You will be the first human with a mansion on the moon!”

Of course, with civil unrest breaking out all over the world and a terrible earthquake hitting New Zealand, Bieber kicked straight into action by talking about some hair that is now slightly shorter than it was before. We have the pictures here.

BEFORE

AFTER

Record big cheese and whatnot, Randy Sosin says:

“It’s a calculated move. His hair is not that different, he’s not changing it that much, but he’s making it more of an event. Everything he does is something.”

Astonishing insight. Everything he does is ‘something’. Presumably, the stuff he doesn’t do isn’t anything? Just clearing things up here.

Anyway, Bieber unleashed the potentially dark spirits from his infant hair, coincidentally, at the precise moment Paramount confirmed that it was re-releasing a special director’s cut of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never.

Interestingly enough, the director’s cut features 40 minutes of extra footage, which is longer than Bieber’s life on Earth thus far.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Granted, this isn’t the biggest or best celebrity story you’re ever going to see, but who cares when it features Megan Fox and has that headline?

It can’t come as any major surprise to the ‘star’ of such ‘entertainment’ ‘classics’ as Transformers that she’s been slagged off by some in the media once more – this time for her wonderful haircut being sported at the MTV Movie Awards. After all, she is the proud owner of some of the worst tattoos ever committed to the flesh of a ‘talented’ actress.

Sorry: ‘actress’.

But it would seem that this time Megan Fox has taken things a bit too far with a greasy, slicked-back do reminiscent of oh-so-many D&D aficionados. That’s irritatingly attractive D&D aficionados, by the by, and ones who just look like they haven’t showered, as opposed to the usual fare who normally haven’t showered for four months in the hope that it will give them a +1 boost on melee combat rolls.

But Megan isn’t one to take the rampant criticism of her new follicle-sheen lightly, and thanks in no small part to the miracle that is Twitter (how did we ever live without it?) she distilled her reaction down to less than 140 easily-manageable, poorly-punctuated characters. Thusly:

“the awards were great!! sorry if you didn’t like my hair. opinions are opinions. have a great night rockers.”

Ah, the wonderful, cover-all argument used so many times on Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares of “yeah, well, that’ just like, your opinion man”. A sure sign of a strong-willed individual unafraid to take on her detractors head-on, or just the pointless jabbering of an attractive, though questionably-talented, actress?

You decide.

Grabbing an exclusive (made up) interview with the Foxy one, hecklerspray discovered the next thing on her list is a bad piercing, soon to be followed by bad clothing. This will complete her evil plan to become exactly the same as 95% of students with bad tattoos, bad hair, bad clothes and bad piercings, thus making her yet another vapid, identikit bore. We said ‘bore’.

It’s always the same when a relationship ends – the first thing to change is the hair. Then the awful tattoos. Then the physical makeup. Yes, we are claiming that Megan Fox will soon have a sex change operation.

See if she ‘Tweets’ about that one.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

10 – Have a virtual haircut. Just like a normal haircut, except without the grim awkwardness that we expect is similar to one you’d experience with a prostitute – Bluerabbit

9 - Exploding squirrels: Cruel or brilliant? We’re only asking because we genuinely don’t know – Komonews

8 – You want to see a picture of a man with a tree growing in his lung, don’t you? – Geekologie

7 - Apparently Sabrina The Teenage Witch was identical to Lindsay Lohan once, which is more or less impossible to believe - PopEater

, 6 - Want to make a werewolf mask? OK! – Instructables

5 – Sienna Miller: officially less sexy than the Queen – Popsugar

4 – English holidaymakers are STUPID – News

3 – Here’s a nice game – guess how sexy a girl is by the state of her friend – Liquidgeneration

2 - A Facebook personality quiz that isn’t complete donkeyballs – Facebook

1 - 45 seconds in and you’ll realise why the internet is the best invention in the entire universe…

What’s the best thing about Robert Pattinson? His intense lack of charisma? The way his speaking voice is the perfect auditory representation of carbon monoxide suffocation?

No! It’s his hair. As all shrieking teenage girls know, Robert Pattinson has the world’s dreamiest hair – it’s all tousled and unkempt and probably home to millions of undiscovered species of rodent. So if Robert Pattinson ever had a haircut, we’d probably kill ourselves.

Which is a bummer, because Robert Pattinson has had a haircut. Actually, forget killing ourselves; it’s time for plan B – find the hair. WE MUST EAT ROBERT PATTINSON’S DREAMY HAIR!

Tell you what, this Twilight 2: New Moon movie is going to be rubbish. Obviously that’s not saying much, since the original Twilight was an unmitigated pile of dismal faux-emo codswallop, but even by Twilight‘s standards the sequel is going to be awful.

We could just about stand it when Twilight‘s director was sacked and replaced with the man behind the monstrosity that was The Golden Compass, and we could just about stand it when people talked about sacking and replacing that weedy werewolf boy who looks like he still wets the bed – but that was only because we assumed that the real star of Twilight would be safe. But it isn’t.

We’re talking, of course, about Robert Pattinson’s hair. Even though it looked a little bit like the hopeless photos you’d see in small town barbers’ windows in about 1986, Robert Pattinson’s Twilight hair carried that movie. The way it yielded to the breeze without ever giving in to frizziness. The way it remained upright even when Robert chased and killed that deer in the woods. The way that the sheer amount of gel needed to maintain the illusion that Robert Pattinson doesn’t care what his hair looks like was single handedly enough to support the entire hairstyling industry during the credit crunch. God, Robert Pattinson’s hair is dreamy!

And it’s still dreamy. It’s just that it’s dreamy inside a hairdresser’s dustpan somewhere. You see, Robert Pattinson has had all his hair cut off. We’re too distraught to tell you more, so here’s the mighty Times Of Ohio to fill you in:

Twilight star, 22 year old Robert Pattinson, has a new haircut. His latest hairstyle is nothing like that of his vampire character, Edward Cullen. Robert has tossed the tousled, unkempt hairstyle in favor of a short, military style haircut. His new haircut should delight his fans, because his bangs are no longer falling into his face and covering his eyes.

What? What are you talking about, Times Of Ohio? That hair was the only thing distracting us from the fact that Robert Pattinson’s skull is shaped like a shattered egg! This means that there’ll be nothing to counterbalance his weird Frankenstein jaw in the new Twilight movie! You idiots!

Or perhaps we’re being a little hard on Robert Pattinson here – after all, the Twilight movies only exist to promote teen abstinence, and it’ll be much easier for teenage girls to keep their virginity if their vampiric fantasy figures now look like Michael Owen with Marfan Syndrome after an extended hunger strike. So good job Robert, we take it all back.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

The Large Hadron Collider is switched on today, starting an experiment that could either unlock the universe or utterly destroy it – but forget that.

We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People – Victoria Beckham has cut her hair.

We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. But it’s not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair – it’s the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well – one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.

Victoria Beckham, as we all know, is a style icon. Victoria Beckham’s tenure as Posh Spice practically invented the notion of the moody teenager, as thousands of young girls tried to copy their surly hero. And there wasn’t even such a thing as teenage pregnancy before Victoria Beckham got knocked up and everyone copied her. And, oh remember that brief fad last year where you’d only see supermodels being chased around by packs of angry pigs? That was Victoria Beckham’s idea first.

That’s how much of a style icon Victoria Beckham is. When she does something, everyone follows. That’s why so many women are married to shit-thick footballers with silly voices, and it’s also why you’re going to see an awful lot of chavs blundering round with horrible pixie haircuts before long.

That’s right – Victoria Beckham has had a haircut. A proper haircut. A boy’s haircut. Hello reports:

The queen of hair reinvention has done it again. Victoria Beckham unveiled her most daring cut ever, with an elfin crop that will invite comparisons with the Spice Girl’s style icon Audrey Hepburn.

You hear that? It’s Victoria Beckham’s most daring cut ever. Now, copyright restrictions ban us from being able to show you what Victoria Beckham’s haircut looks like, so we’ll have to try to explain exactly how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut actually is.

It’s made of broken glass, for a start, and Victoria has accessorised it with several pairs of open scissors, 28 gallons of petrol and a lit cigarette. What’s more, Victoria Beckham has used her millions to employ a full-size stunt motorcyclist to constantly burn doughnuts around the circumference of her scalp 24 hours a day. And it sings the German national anthem. And, every time Victoria Beckham has an orginal though, her hair actually ejaculates. That’s how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut it. Truly she is the queen of hair reinvention.

Obviously that’s a lie. What Victoria Beckham has actually done is go to the hairdressers and say “Cut most of it off, please.” And the resulting style makes her look like one of the following:

* A gay man

* Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell

* Pauline Quirke‘s shadow at midday

* Cancer Kylie

* The Roswell alien cadaver

* A pastel drawing of Natalie Portman, created by a blind man who hates Natalie Portman and the idea of hair.

Great going Victoria. No, really.