haircut - HecklerSpray

Pink Forces Out Stupid Child Out And Expects Us All To Give Two Hoots

June 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Pink has given birth to a baby girl. A stupid, stupid baby girl. A baby that will cry, defecate, vomit and drag every ounce of Pink’s sorry life out of her until she’s even more of a husk than she was before. And we’re supposed to care. We’re supposed to give a flying fuck.

See, this is what happens when someone completes the tedious biological feat of unifying a sperm and an egg. We’re supposed to coo about how beautiful a moment in human history it is, despite the fact, as underlined in the thousands of housing estates in Britain, even the most dithering thicket-brained bovine can get pregnant.

Effectively, all a baby is, is a signal that condoms are brilliant and that a person has decided to completely give up on life, in favour of bestowing their flickering hope on another human who, obviously, will continue the cycle of failed potential, in turn, having children of their own and perpetuating the notion that where there are future humans, there is hope.

Pink Has Something To Tell You About Her Haircut

March 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Pink once sang “where have the smart people gone?” in her song, ‘Stupid Girl’, which sneered at those who get their breasts out for fame and chatter about the inane while tragedy besets the world.

And so, with that, the ‘I’ve Got My Boobs Out In Public In The Name Of Staying In The Public Consciousness But I Was Being Ironic Or Empowering Depending On What My Publicist Told Me’ popstar has got something very important to tell us.

She’s had a rotten haircut. Hilariously, everyone decided to point at it and laugh.

Justin Bieber Gets Haircut And World Gasps At His Astonishing Bravery

February 24th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

STOP THE PRESSES! Justin Bieber has had a haircut! Sweet blimmin’ crikey! Is he okay? Is everyone else feeling alright? Do foetuses even have enough hair to warrant an actual cutting of hair?

So many questions.

What prompted this outrageous, axis shifting decision? Is there a shadowy cartel forcing the 9 week old Bieber to sell his hair to Russian oligarchs who are attempting to clone the young singer into a ruthless, blood-thirsty army who are really good at miming?

Megan Fox Shocks on the Box With Her New Locks

June 2nd, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Granted, this isn’t the biggest or best celebrity story you’re ever going to see, but who cares when it features Megan Fox and has that headline?

It can’t come as any major surprise to the ‘star’ of such ‘entertainment’ ‘classics’ as Transformers that she’s been slagged off by some in the media once more – this time for her wonderful haircut being sported at the MTV Movie Awards. After all, she is the proud owner of some of the worst tattoos ever committed to the flesh of a ‘talented’ actress.

Sorry: ‘actress’.

WEBTHUMP! Thursday 16 April 2009

August 6th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

10 – Have a virtual haircut. Just like a normal haircut, except without the grim awkwardness that we expect is similar to one you’d experience with a prostitute – Bluerabbit

9 – Exploding squirrels: Cruel or brilliant? We’re only asking because we genuinely don’t know – Komonews

8 – You want to see a picture of a man with a tree growing in his lung, don’t you? – Geekologie

7 – Apparently Sabrina The Teenage Witch was identical to Lindsay Lohan once, which is more or less impossible to believe – PopEater

Robert Pattinson Gets A Haircut, Planet Earth Sheds A Lonely Tear

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

What’s the best thing about Robert Pattinson? His intense lack of charisma? The way his speaking voice is the perfect auditory representation of carbon monoxide suffocation?

No! It’s his hair. As all shrieking teenage girls know, Robert Pattinson has the world’s dreamiest hair – it’s all tousled and unkempt and probably home to millions of undiscovered species of rodent. So if Robert Pattinson ever had a haircut, we’d probably kill ourselves.

Which is a bummer, because Robert Pattinson has had a haircut. Actually, forget killing ourselves; it’s time for plan B – find the hair. WE MUST EAT ROBERT PATTINSON’S DREAMY HAIR!

Stop The Press! Victoria Beckham Gets A Flipping Haircut!

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The Large Hadron Collider is switched on today, starting an experiment that could either unlock the universe or utterly destroy it – but forget that.

We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People – Victoria Beckham has cut her hair.

We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. But it’s not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair – it’s the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well – one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.