Cheryl Cole has finally ‘arrived’ in America and we’re genuinely happy. Not for her you understand, we couldn’t give two hoots what she does, we’re just happy that we’re not within punching distance anymore.

However, despite living off baby food in some odd attempt to get thinner and mistakenly asking her hairdresser for a big backcombed ‘do that would put even Vincent from 80′s show ‘Beauty and the Beast’ to shame, it seems that America hasn’t quite welcomed her into their over-sized  bosom yet.

Yes, it’s been reported in some newspapers that Cheryl was booed on the second day of her new job for telling US X Factor contestants what she really thinks (pet) and not because the entire auditorium couldn’t see over her giant hair.

She asked one contestant if she was singing in a different language and had the audacity to say ‘no’ to a 13 year old:

“You’re 13 so have plenty of time to practice. I’m sure you will be great when you come back for X Factor in a couple of years. But I’m going to say no”

If only someone had been that ‘cruel’ to Justin Bieber, we might all have been very different people, living in a much happier world.

Anyway, she doesn’t care in the slightest as will.i.am has predictably appeared beside her like creeping Jesus to throw her champagne parties, get her drunk and generally try and cop a feel when she falls over. A source said:

“Will was keen to settle Cheryl in LA and put her in touch with some important people. He’s filled her diary over the next few weeks so she has plenty to do.  He hopes to improve her profile and ensure she doesn’t get homesick.”

AND TOUCH HER BOTTOM NO DOUBT.

Cheryl will be alright though. She’s brought tea and biscuits with her to keep her company but let’s hope she doesn’t get a craving for lollipops eh?

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That’s probably a gross title about a 17-year-old’s masturbatory efforts – but like this whole yelling mean things at people on the Internet for a living thing, we’re running with it.

Justin Bieber has reportedly been telling people that he had some kind of affectionate, pandering, possibly homoerotic meeting with Robert Pattinson that only took place at a delay once Robert was done applying the delightful body shimmer sample handed to him by the lady at the make-up counter.

In what would have been the most random meeting ever, even with a fanbase the same age, Justin recalled meeting the Twilight actor and there was something in there about hair envy and wanting to be like the actor when he grew up.

From E! Online:

First things first, here’s what Bieber supposedly said. “One day Robert Pattinson came up to me at a party and said, ‘For whatever reason, people love our hair and it’s always a great ice-breaker with girls,’ ” Justin is quoted in The People. “He is like, ‘Hey my name’s Robert. Want to touch my hair?’ I thought he was joking, but it really works.”

There are so many off-colour jokes we could make about that partial quote alone, but there are only so many hours a day to write poorly-worded penis jokes, so we’re going to have to skip right over that and add… the meeting never happened.

But according to R.Pattz, he has never even met Justin! And he was totally weirded out when he heard J.B. claim he got flirting tips from the Twilight star himself. When asked about the comments, Rob countered on Friday: “I’ve never met this guy. I saw that as well. I was like, ‘You’re really famous, man—what are you doing? You don’t need to use me to make up stories!’”

The part about preening one’s self like a cross between a show pony and a contestant from Great British Hairdresser was kind of a giveaway. Yeah, totally never happened. It’s weird though. There are some horrifying dreams had by the writers of the hecklerspray hovel. But they’re usually about being chained to the radiator and fed only melted chocolate buttons… MELTED*!

So, yeah, that was  probably Justin’s last thought before a nocturnal emission that ruined perfectly good Spider-Man bedsheets.

*that was a cunning cry for help disguised as a jaunty anecdote about chocolately dreams. If you’re reading this, send help in the form of some more chocolate and someone to fix these clunking radiators that are keeping us up at night.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is currently chained to the sink in the bedsit bathroom. Send help.

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Squeaky clean pop annoyance Justin Bieber recently had a haircut, which was front-page news almost everywhere, even here on hecklerspray. The news of his haircut sent shockwaves around the world, with sexually confused 12 year olds and slightly creepy 40 somethings everywhere begging to know why he’d chopped his famous $500 fringe off.

Naturally it’s all rather ridiculous, it’s only some hair after all, it’ll grow back, you do know that, right?

What’s even more ridiculous to the furore over Bieber’s bonce is the fact that you can now buy the hair he had lopped off. That’s right, you can buy Bieber’s former barnet covering, if you have $7,000 to spare that is.

You see, wee Justin Bieber recently appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres show in the States (for those of you unfamiliar with the Ellen show, it’s like the Alan Titchmarsh show, only markedly less annoying). During the show Bieber gave Ellen a lock of his hair, which is now being sold through popular offloading of ill-gotten property site, eBay.

The famous follicles are sealed in a clear display case that Bieber has signed and is just shy of the $7,000 mark at the time of writing.

We expect it to fetch a lot more though, it would be criminal if it didn’t, just think about how mental the Beliebers are. They actually call themselves Beliebers and if that isn’t mental we don’t know what is.

We here at hecklerspray can’t help but wonder who will end up buying Bieber’s locks. After all, there can’t be that many Belieber’s with the cash to buy it at its current price, let alone any price it may reach by next week, unless they form a syndicate and all take home one follicle each.

Maybe a very lonely adult will be the winning bidder, claiming it’s for their kids or something, when we all know they have no kids, the sick freaks.

Even we here in the hecklerspray bedsit have been looking behind the couch and rifling through Mof Gimmers’ stuff when he’s not in to see if we can stump up the cash in the hope that we can get our hands on his hair and use it for some bizarre voodoo ritual that would mean we never have to hear about Bieber or his stupid bloody hair again!

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Walking piggy bank, Paris Hilton, is having a rough time of it at the moment. Yes, she’s insanely rich, but everyone’s seen her getting off with Lindsay Lohan and she’s in trouble for remembering the difference between cocaine and chewing gum.

Of course, we’re only showing vague interest in her because she was thrust into the spotlight for being thick and deluded on a reality show… and… well, by now, every human on Earth has seen her having sex via a nightvision lens, leaving us all acutely aware of what the Incredible Hulk looks like with a boner.

Now, she’s got more bad news as her boyfriend is in trouble with the police after an alleged hit and run involving a female photographer.

So who is this boyfriend?

Well, he’s got the silly name of Cy Waits and he’s been accused of running over paparazzette with his Bentley. His leaving a  celebrity hotspot called the Boa Steakhouse, in Los Angeles, caused a now obligatory media scrum.

The former Vegas nightclub manager, who just happened to be fired after being arrested for drugs possession, reportedly accelerated as photographers swarmed the car and then mowed down the woman.

That’s nice isn’t it? There’s probably a few celebrities punching the air at this news. Don’t worry. They’ll feign remorse at a later date should something terrible result.

Paramedics were also called and the alleged victim was taken to hospital.

Within hours, the empty-eyed heiress, who avoided prison time by the skin of her veneered teeth thanks to opting for a plea deal in her recent cocaine arrest, had taken to her Twitter page to blame photographers for the incident.

She wrote:

“Lovely evening with friends and family ruined by aggressive paparazzi. They are literally insane!”

There you have it. She was asking to get run over eh? Stupid humans, with their breakable bones and gooey insides dangling like flesh from a butcher’s finger nail.

Idiots the lot of ‘em.

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It must be wonderful being Paris Hilton. Think about it. You can wander through life with all the wide-eyed innocence of a toddler in a field full of butterflies, yet still have all the sordid fun that adults have.

Money is no object in Hiltonville, so you can toot as much coke as you like, shag people on camera and be of no fixed talent… yet still uphold a reasonably successful TV and music career. Why, that’s the American Dream in action right there.

It doesn’t matter who you are – YOU CAN MAKE IT AS A FAMOUS SOMETHING OR OTHER!

And so, the socialite dimwit has been tottering around the world like a parrot dancing for peanuts, not knowing the difference between cocaine and Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit. In fairness, they do look incredibly similar.

That was the initial story anyway. However, it turns out that Paris wasn’t getting chewing gum and Class A drugs mixed up, but rather, she’d got all in a muddle about the difference between telling the truth and telling outrageous lies to a police officer.

Again, they do look incredibly similar when you have them both in the one purse.

Once she’d worked it all out in her vapid little head-space, Paris Hilton finally got ’round to nodding and dribbling mealy mouthed confessions about carrying cocaine.

Then she learned one of the most valuable lessons a human can ever receive -if you’re famous, you’ll get cut a lot of slack.

That’s right, while young black Americans get their arses kicked by police departments, famous people get away with murder as Hilton discovered that, by confessing to carrying cocaine, she would be hit with community service and a warning from a Las Vegas judge to keep her nose clean.

Literally.

Paris got a one-year suspended sentence, plus 200 hours of community service (which she’ll probably fulfil while filming various tasks in a new series of Simple Life)  and fine of $2,000. That amount of money probably doesn’t even touch the side of her septum.

Lindsay Lohan is probably sending her texts of support as we speak (and deleting dealer’s numbers from her cell phone while she’s at it).

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Celebrities live in a parallel universe to us. They get sent to prison and then let out again almost immediately. They use racial slurs down the phone, yet people still buy Mad Max box-sets. And now, in a particularly weird turn, their hair gets sued.

Apparently, some idiot is suing Paris Hilton’s hair extensions. Of course, the hair extensions in question have yet to make a statement, but it won’t be long until a source says something on their behalf.

Someone will be suing the autotune on her album if this keeps up.

Anyway, Paris ‘Famous Because She’s Famous’ Hilton has been accused of wearing a competitor’s product in public despite being paid by Hairtech International to wear its own brand hair extensions.

AND WE THOUGHT SHE HAD HER OWN HAIR *commits suicide*

The lawsuit claims the incident happened in 2008 after Hilton had been paid (an alleged) $3.5 million to promote the Hairtech product.

Now, the company are reportedly asking for $35 million in damages for fraud and breach of contract.

Sorry. Have we stumbled into some slightly weird and boring dream?

She’s also been accused of missing a Hairtech launch party because she was in jail. Not much anyone can do about that is there? Hairtech went on to (apparently) say that they don’t think Hilton’s lifestyle was in keeping with their marketing campaign.

Baffling. Absolutely baffling.

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What’s the best thing about Robert Pattinson? His intense lack of charisma? The way his speaking voice is the perfect auditory representation of carbon monoxide suffocation?

No! It’s his hair. As all shrieking teenage girls know, Robert Pattinson has the world’s dreamiest hair – it’s all tousled and unkempt and probably home to millions of undiscovered species of rodent. So if Robert Pattinson ever had a haircut, we’d probably kill ourselves.

Which is a bummer, because Robert Pattinson has had a haircut. Actually, forget killing ourselves; it’s time for plan B – find the hair. WE MUST EAT ROBERT PATTINSON’S DREAMY HAIR!

Tell you what, this Twilight 2: New Moon movie is going to be rubbish. Obviously that’s not saying much, since the original Twilight was an unmitigated pile of dismal faux-emo codswallop, but even by Twilight‘s standards the sequel is going to be awful.

We could just about stand it when Twilight‘s director was sacked and replaced with the man behind the monstrosity that was The Golden Compass, and we could just about stand it when people talked about sacking and replacing that weedy werewolf boy who looks like he still wets the bed – but that was only because we assumed that the real star of Twilight would be safe. But it isn’t.

We’re talking, of course, about Robert Pattinson’s hair. Even though it looked a little bit like the hopeless photos you’d see in small town barbers’ windows in about 1986, Robert Pattinson’s Twilight hair carried that movie. The way it yielded to the breeze without ever giving in to frizziness. The way it remained upright even when Robert chased and killed that deer in the woods. The way that the sheer amount of gel needed to maintain the illusion that Robert Pattinson doesn’t care what his hair looks like was single handedly enough to support the entire hairstyling industry during the credit crunch. God, Robert Pattinson’s hair is dreamy!

And it’s still dreamy. It’s just that it’s dreamy inside a hairdresser’s dustpan somewhere. You see, Robert Pattinson has had all his hair cut off. We’re too distraught to tell you more, so here’s the mighty Times Of Ohio to fill you in:

Twilight star, 22 year old Robert Pattinson, has a new haircut. His latest hairstyle is nothing like that of his vampire character, Edward Cullen. Robert has tossed the tousled, unkempt hairstyle in favor of a short, military style haircut. His new haircut should delight his fans, because his bangs are no longer falling into his face and covering his eyes.

What? What are you talking about, Times Of Ohio? That hair was the only thing distracting us from the fact that Robert Pattinson’s skull is shaped like a shattered egg! This means that there’ll be nothing to counterbalance his weird Frankenstein jaw in the new Twilight movie! You idiots!

Or perhaps we’re being a little hard on Robert Pattinson here – after all, the Twilight movies only exist to promote teen abstinence, and it’ll be much easier for teenage girls to keep their virginity if their vampiric fantasy figures now look like Michael Owen with Marfan Syndrome after an extended hunger strike. So good job Robert, we take it all back.

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The Large Hadron Collider is switched on today, starting an experiment that could either unlock the universe or utterly destroy it – but forget that.

We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People – Victoria Beckham has cut her hair.

We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. But it’s not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair – it’s the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well – one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.

Victoria Beckham, as we all know, is a style icon. Victoria Beckham’s tenure as Posh Spice practically invented the notion of the moody teenager, as thousands of young girls tried to copy their surly hero. And there wasn’t even such a thing as teenage pregnancy before Victoria Beckham got knocked up and everyone copied her. And, oh remember that brief fad last year where you’d only see supermodels being chased around by packs of angry pigs? That was Victoria Beckham’s idea first.

That’s how much of a style icon Victoria Beckham is. When she does something, everyone follows. That’s why so many women are married to shit-thick footballers with silly voices, and it’s also why you’re going to see an awful lot of chavs blundering round with horrible pixie haircuts before long.

That’s right – Victoria Beckham has had a haircut. A proper haircut. A boy’s haircut. Hello reports:

The queen of hair reinvention has done it again. Victoria Beckham unveiled her most daring cut ever, with an elfin crop that will invite comparisons with the Spice Girl’s style icon Audrey Hepburn.

You hear that? It’s Victoria Beckham’s most daring cut ever. Now, copyright restrictions ban us from being able to show you what Victoria Beckham’s haircut looks like, so we’ll have to try to explain exactly how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut actually is.

It’s made of broken glass, for a start, and Victoria has accessorised it with several pairs of open scissors, 28 gallons of petrol and a lit cigarette. What’s more, Victoria Beckham has used her millions to employ a full-size stunt motorcyclist to constantly burn doughnuts around the circumference of her scalp 24 hours a day. And it sings the German national anthem. And, every time Victoria Beckham has an orginal though, her hair actually ejaculates. That’s how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut it. Truly she is the queen of hair reinvention.

Obviously that’s a lie. What Victoria Beckham has actually done is go to the hairdressers and say “Cut most of it off, please.” And the resulting style makes her look like one of the following:

* A gay man

* Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell

* Pauline Quirke‘s shadow at midday

* Cancer Kylie

* The Roswell alien cadaver

* A pastel drawing of Natalie Portman, created by a blind man who hates Natalie Portman and the idea of hair.

Great going Victoria. No, really.

Lennon and McCartney stopped writing together because Paul McCartney developed a fixation on John Lennon's hair that freaked John out – it's thought that She's Leaving Home was first called I Want To Stroke John Lennon's Lovely Hair.

And he wasn't the only one with a slightly unnatural obsession for John Lennon's hair – because this week an auction sold John Lennon's hair for $48,000. Not all of John Lennon's hair, you understand – that would be creepy – but just a lock of John Lennon's hair. A lock of John Lennon's hair in a bag that you can occasionally open and sniff, pretending that you and John Lennon are such close friends that he can put his hair in a bag and let you smell it. And that's what the mystery hair-buyer will probably do – either that or blast it into the sun, thereby creating an evil nuclear-powered John Lennon to brutally enslave the world with, like in Superman IV.

It was the anniversary of John Lennon's tragic death last Saturday, and nobody really seemed to notice. We blame Yoko Ono, obviously – not only did Yoko bugger things up by opening her John Lennon Light Tower two months early but she also failed to mark the anniversary in the traditional way, by letting a mental Turkish employee inject her with poison in her sleep. Shame on you, Yoko.

But fortunately not everyone forgot to mark John Lennon's death this week. Fans from around the world paid their respect to John Lennon by listening to his music, soaking in his peaceful Utopian worldview and selling clumps of his hair for enough money to buy a couple of good quality horses.

A lock of John Lennon's hair sold at auction by Gorringes this week for $48,000, smashing the original estimate of $6,000. Now, it might sound a lot, but is it something that you can put a price on? Really? John Lennon's hair? After all, mix the hair with some mosquito blood and you'll be able to start your own tropical John Lennon safari park where people can pay to see all sorts of John Lennons in the wild, like the angry beclawed carnivore John Lennons, the docile giant herbivore John Lennons and the John Lennons that look cute but then suddenly turn vicious and blind you with hawked-up globs of sticky acid. It's an investment, if anything.

Gorringes spokeswoman Francesca Collin is certainly pleased that a manky wodge of dead man's hair was capable of making so much money:

"It is astonishing that there is still so much interest in the Beatles and the sale goes to prove that John Lennon is still an icon. To have some of Lennon's hair along with a signed note from him really does give it fantastic provenance and authenticity."

However, John Lennon's hair wasn't the only piece of Beatle hair memorabilia to sell at the auction. A photo of the group that George Harrison had signed "George "Dandruff" Harrison" went for $13,000. And 18 giant potato sacks full of every single public hair that Ringo Starr has ever grown, from the first flush of puberty to the present day, was also snapped up by a mystery bidder for 12p and half a packet of Polos.

Read more:

Lock of Lennon's Hair Sells for $48,000 – Associated Press