This week Jon & Kate Plus 8 featured a You Ask, Kate Answers special. And it felt like a wasted opportunity.

You know what would have been better? You Ask, Jon Emotionally Abuses. It would have been awesome – after being presented with some viewer questions, Jon Gosselin would shriek for 25 minutes about what a victim he is and how it’s all your fault. And then he’d burst into tears and clumsily attempt to kiss the camera with tongues. It would have been AWESOME.

Because Jon Gosselin is quite good at emotional abuse, apparently. His own girlfriend said it. To a TV show. Why won’t any of this stop?

It’d be easy for Jon Gosselin to see Jon & Kate Plus 8 as the worst thing to ever happen in his life. He’d be wrong, obviously – the worst thing is probably either male pattern baldness, his bizarrely premature mid-life crisis, his taste in clothes, the way that people can’t imagine him having sex without screwing up their faces and dry heaving or the fact that he was born without a functioning set of testicles – but it’s up there.

And because of Jon & Kate Plus 8, these last few months have been unbearable for Jon Gosselin. He’s routinely vilified in the media as a self-serving monster, he’s been accused of stealing from his own children, he’s even lost the ability to spell his own name properly. What Jon Gosselin needs right now is a friend. His closest friend in the world. By which we mean Hailey Glassman, the 22-year-old daughter of Kate Gosselin’s plastic surgeon who is unique in her ability to have sex with Jon Gosselin without vomiting everywhere immediately afterwards.

And thank God that Jon Gosselin has Hailey Glassman. The whole world might be against him but, so long as he’s got her then everything might just turn out OK. To Jon Gosselin, Hailey Glassman represents hope. Hope and unconditional love. And for Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin represents… well, let’s allow Hailey to explain that herself:

“He’ll call me and take his anger out on me. He has ‘mantrums.’ I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused. I cry and say, ‘Why are you so mean to me?’… Sometimes he has trouble with the truth, and he will dance and dance around his lies. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. But I still love him… but I dislike him at times.”

It’s adorable, isn’t it? We think we saw a Love Heart with ‘I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused’ on it once. And, as everybody knows, nothing says romance like dancing and dancing around your lies.

Sure, this will be embarrassing for Jon Gosselin, but he needs to remember that this is just a blip in their relationship. Once all of this has died down they’ll be able to carry of as normal – in that Jon Gosselin will stop being famous, Hailey Glassman will immediately leave him for someone her own age and all these problems will be dwarfed by all the ‘My Father The Monster’ books that Jon’s kids will write as soon as they’re old enough. He’s got nothing to worry about.

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Have you noticed that Jon & Kate Plus 8 gets more and more interesting when it’s not actually on television?

It does. On TV, Jon & Kate Plus 8 is dreary. Nothing happens. But when Jon & Kate Plus 8 is off TV? Different story entirely. That’s when Jon Gosselin stops pottering around aimlessly and starts lording it upon yachts in St Tropez with hot young girls who are a decade younger than him.

But, despite this, Jon Gosselin remains a class act. He’s allegedly just proposed to Hailey Glassman, the 22-year-old girl he’s known for approximately eight seconds. Like we said, classy.

For a couple who insinuated that their divorce was partially down to media intrusion – something that, incidentally, made us drop to the floor clutching our temples while shouting “But you’re on TV all the time willingly, you idiots!” – Jon and Kate Gosselin seem to be pretty brilliant at courting media intrusion, don’t they?

Just look at Jon Gosselin’s antics this week. He went to St Tropez. Which is fine – there was a break in the filming of Jon & Kate Plus 8, plus his home life must be pretty stressful at the moment so it’s fine. He needed a holiday. No need for any media intrusion there.

Then we learnt that Jon Gosselin went to St Tropez to help start up a range of kid’s clothes that his own children will model. And that was sort of fine too because, after all, Kate Gosselin has a nice little sideline in exploiting her position as a high-profile parent, so Jon would be silly not to get in on the action himself. Again, no need for any media intrusion.

And then we learnt that Jon Gosselin went to St Tropez with a pretty 22-year-old named Hailey Glassman. That was interesting, coming so soon after Jon and Kate announced their split, but maybe Jon Gosselin just wanted to play the field after 10 years of marriage. There’s probably an argument for some media intrusion there, but we’ll try to ignore it.

Then it was revealed that Hailey Glassman was the daughter of Kate Gosselin’s plastic surgeon. Must… fight… urge.. to… intrude.

And now Jon Gosselin has apparently proposed to Hailey Glassman, which is obviously just taking the piss. The Boston Herald reports:

In Touch Weekly says Gosselin, the star of troubled reality show “Jon & Kate Plus Eight,” has proposed to his 22-year-old galpal, Hailey Glassman. Jon, 32, allegedly presented his young paramour with a $180K ring in the shape of a skull with four black diamonds.

OH COME ON. You’ve proposed to your 22-year-old girlfriend, who you’ve only just started seeing in a romantic capacity, who is the daughter of your wife’s plastic surgeon, and you did it with a skull-shaped ring? Seriously Jon Gosselin, if you want the media to intrude on your life so badly, why don’t you just ask it to? It’d save you an awful lot of bother, you know.

On the plus side, other publications are claiming that this proposal didn’t even happen. Let’s hope they’re right, because otherwise we’d have to put up with Kate Gosselin’s counter-assault. And we have a horrible feeling that it’d involve a sex tape.

Hecklerspray takes no responsibility for the amount of dry-retching caused by that last sentence.

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The set-up of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is simple – he’s a chubby pushover, she’d kick a donkey in the face for cash.

That’s how it works. Kate Gosselin is the one who wants to pimp out her kids in TV shows and books and anything else that’d make her a quick buck, and Jon Gosselin is the one who mooches around silently in the background like a lost testicle. Isn’t it?

Nope – apparently Jon Gosselin is designing his own line of kid’s clothes. And his children will model it – especially the ‘Mommy Is A Heartless Shrew’ range of cotton dungarees.

The parallels between Jon and Kate Gosselin and Jordan and Peter Andre at the moment are slightly uncanny. Both couples were on television together all the time. Both couples are getting divorced. Both are famous despite their total lack of any discernible talent. Both relationships had an uncomfortable dynamic that involved the woman verbally putting the man down in a disinterested robot monotone at every opportunity. And you definitely, definitely wouldn’t like to spend even a single moment trapped in an enclosed space with any of them.

Crucially, though, it also seems like both sets of men are going to leave their relationship much more famous than they were when they entered it. Before he split up with Kate, Jon Gosselin was happy enough to play the put-upon, ambition-free loser to her evil, peacock-headed Terminator – but that’s all changed now.

People have grown so tired of Kate Gosselin that she’s not even allowed to publish her new cookbook, but Jon Gosselin? He’s on an unstoppable ascent. For instance, Jon spent last weekend frolicking about on a St Tropez yacht with a pretty young plastic surgeon’s daughter called Hailey Glassman, and now it’s been announced that he’s going to design a brand new range of kid’s clothes. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

The newly separated “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ dad will create a line of children’s clothing with Christian Audigier. “Everyone knows this family. And everyone will know our clothes,” the French designer said. “They’ll be fun, easy clothes for kids.”… Glassman will “have a lot of input with Christian,” Gosselin said. And he said the eight kids from his 10-year marriage to Kate will model the clothes in ads.

OK, great, that sounds completely fine to us. No problems with letting your brand-new girlfriend – the one who’s directly related to the man who your ex-wife employed to make her look prettier – help to design a range of clothes that your own children will model in a series of high-profile adverts. That can absolutely not backfire on you, your ex-wife, your new girlfriend or any of your children in any way, shape or form whatsoever.

And, on the slightest off-chance that it does, at least it wouldn’t all be filmed for an internationally-broadcast television series that would act as a lasting reminder for you children of what a pair of utterly clueless parents they had, would it?

Oh, wait.

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Jon Gosselin knows that true love can’t be faked – unless you’re making a TV show about all of your kids, that is.

Then it can be faked quite easily. Anyway, our point is that, just a few weeks after Jon Gosselin split from his wife, he’s been seen with a woman named Hailey Glassman. That’ll be painful for Kate Gosselin, but at least Hailey isn’t much younger and prettier than her. Oh, she is? Ouch.

Well at least Hailey isn’t the daughter of the plastic surgeon who made Kate look less grotesque after giving birth. Oh, she is? Again, ouch.

Remember when Brad Pitt split up with Jennifer Aniston and people started wearing T-shirts reading ‘Team Aniston’ and ‘Team Jolie’? That’s unlikely to happen with the recently-split stars of Jon & Kate Plus 8. That’s partly because asking to choose between a submissively nutless schlub like Jon Gosselin and a scheming money-orientated shrew with a bad haircut like Kate Gosselin is like asking to choose between drowning in monkey vomit or suffocating on monkey poo.

It’s also partly because wearing a ‘Team Jon’ or ‘Team Kate’ T-shirt is exactly the same as wearing a T-shirt that reads ‘Please Punch Me In The Face And Steal My Wallet’.

But just because nobody in their right mind would honestly be able to bring themselves to even partially care about them, it doesn’t mean that Jon or Kate Gosselin are going to go away soon. For starters, each of the Gosselin kids still have to publish their Why Doesn’t Daddy Love Me Any More? books (ghostwritten by Kate), and we still have to wade through all of Jon Gosselin’s new women.

Just the other week we were speculating that Jon Gosselin’s new girlfriend Deanna Hummel would be a part of any new Jon & Kate Plus 8 episodes, but that doesn’t look likely to happen now, because Jon seems to have got himself a new new girlfriend in the form of 22-year-old Hailey Glassman who, hilariously, is the daughter of Kate Gosselin’s plastic surgeon. The Boston Herald reports:

The 32-year-old TLC Jon & Kate Plus 8 reality TV dad was spotted in France with 22-year-old Hailey Glassman, the daughter of the doctor who performed Kate’s tummy tuck. The lovebirds were spotted holding hands in St. Tropez in the French Riviera on Saturday. Jon and Glassman even went for a ride on the yacht of fashion designer and Ed Hardy exec Christian Audigier.

The daughter of the man who gave Kate Gosselin a tummy tuck. Wow, it’s like Jon Gosselin has actually sat down and tried to think up the best way to obliterate his wife’s self-esteem. Obviously he didn’t think very hard, because if he had then he would have definitely taken Hailey Glassman on a romantic round-the-world trip in a hot air balloon made from Kate Gosselin’s voluminous saggy post-pregnancy gut-skin offcut, but full marks for effort nonetheless.

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