Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.
See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.
Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?
Hey! Hollywood! Well done! You’ve done well by pointing out that some actresses are much prettier than others. Bless you for that. We really didn’t know who to approach the whole thing and you went and said.
Just like that. You just came right out and spoke without a care in the world.
Basically, you went and said that Scarlett Johansson was far too beautiful to play the role of Lisbeth Salander in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo films. The girl playing her now? She must be thrilled and all set to burn those self-shot pictures she was going to leak all by herself, now that hacker is in prison.
Isn’t it great to see a superstar in an unguarded moment. They only let us see what they want us to see or generally portray themselves as something other than the real them entirely. Just like everyone, really.
However, these people are famous and more attractive and generally nicer to gawp at than Flubbo down the street with his roll-ups, carrier bags and back boobs.
And so, Florida’s Chris Chaney lightened up our days by hacking into celebrity email accounts and stealing naked pictures that they’d taken of themselves (to share with other people because, and this is nice to know, they’re all just as sexually needy as we, the people, and still need to impress people with self-shot nudey snaps) and giving them to us. And now he’d like to say sorry.
Remember when we all saw Scarlett Johansson naked? Remember? And the internet melted? That was a fun time wasn’t it? Of course, we broke the story before anyone else and no-one noticed and we’re totally not bitter about it. At all. Nope. We don’t keep going over it in our head.
We’ll murder someone for this.
Anyway, friend of hecklerspray, Christopher Chaney from Jacksonville Florida, has been arrested as part of a year long investigation of celebrity hacking called Operation Hackerazzi. Great name for an operation. We would’ve called it Operation Celebritits. Either way, arrests have been made! WAHOO! AND IT WASN’T US GETTING CUFFED!
Do you want to see leaked (by us) naked photosets of the hecklerspray writers? Of course you don’t. Collectively, we look like the melted waxwork tit of a gentleman pensioner. Firm, young, attractive celebrities are a different matter of course!
So when Scarlett Johansson accidentally ended up showing everyone more than intended, everyone exploded with excitement for three seconds before realising that seeing an actress in a state of undress isn’t at all peculiar.
Maybe it was catching her in a candid moment, naked as herself rather than a character, that got people wanting to ogle. Either way, she wasn’t happy and now, for the first time, she’s talking about it all. With her boobs out.
Despite looking like an Eagle-Eye Action Man, Justin Timberlake is a very fancied man. This is because he’s rich, can sing, dance and… crucially… has a self-deprecating sense of humour. Oh, swoon. If only he’d grow his Pot Noodle hair out again.
Mila Kunis meanwhile, is just really fit and went down on Natalie Portman in Black Swan, keeping your underpant botherers in mucky daydreams for a lifetime.
However, the most exciting thing concerning this pair is the news that some nudes have been leaked a la Scarlett Johansson. Wanna know more? Course you do.
Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.
Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.
The American army are all big and tough aren’t they? They won WWII single-handedly according to the movies and did a grand job in Vietnam and are currently in the Middle East, posing next to pictures of people being tortured.
Don’t mess with the American armed forces, right? They can withstand anything!
Apart from, that is, people calling them names. The old adage of ‘sticks and stones’ doesn’t apply to the US military because that’s what hurts them the most. If only Al-Qaeda knew this from the off! They could’ve battered America just by calling them all nasty names. It would’ve saved a lot of money on pilot training too. And we know this because of something that Soulja Boy has done.
Do this for us. Firstly, plug up your ears with cotton wool. Okay? Done that? Now, rest a snooker ball under your tongue. Got that? Now, sing “yeeeah, got my swag on” while running down a flight of stairs.
Congratulations! You sound exactly like Soulja Boy, the kid who found fame with his voice despite sounding like someone was pulling teeth from a lively bovine.
In fairness, you don’t sound exactly like Soulja Boy because you aren’t shooting your mouth off at everyone, especially some rather fruity racial and homophobic slurs, which appeared on his Facebook page over the weekend.
