Gwyneth Paltrow will stop fannying about with her silly GOOP website for five minutes to hang with the kids. Not her own kids, you silly bugger – the 25-year-olds playing school children on Glee.

To be clear, that’s not Glee spelt with an ‘L’. It’s spelt with some one’s hands cunningly fashioned into an ‘L’ shape, as that’s what those wacky kids are doing these days.

Gwyneth seems like a nice enough lady. By that we mean, if she were our geography teacher or something we’d like her just as much (we don’t just make that comparison because she reminds this writer of nice Mrs. Smith who always smelt like a heady mix of cat urine and fish).

The actress, 37-years-old and married to Chris Martin, seen in movies such as Iron Man/ Iron Man 2, is best known for being just the wrong side of pretentious with half the things she says and does. The right side of pretentious would be having the nerve to call a website GOOP. The wrong side would be using said website to preach lifestyle advice, in newsletter form, to one’s admirer(s).

What the heck were we talking about – all this talk of things that rhyme with ‘poop’, and that teacher that smells of pee – to this day – threw us off track.

Oh yeah. The rigid, unfunny, world’s-best-geography-teacher-that-never-was is going to star on a television programme. One that’s made of funnies and aims itself at young people.

These things thrown into a blender together are so incongruous that it’s giving us a splitting headache.

While we drink these throbbing pains away, have a butchers at these details on her appearence.

Gwyneth Paltrow will guest-star in two November episodes of Glee, sources tell E! News. According to the report, Paltrow, 37, will sing and dance as a substitute teacher/glee club coach who fills in for an ailing Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison). The glee club kids quickly take a shine to Paltrow’s sub — as does Mr. Schuester himself, who develops a hard crush despite his romance with fellow teacher Emma (Jayma Mays). Paltrow worked with Glee creator Ryan Murphy in his 2006 feature film directorial debut Running With Scissors.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

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Gwyneth Paltrow has a long history with the word ‘goop’ – it’s the noise her macrobiotic meals make as they get served onto a plate, for example.

Plus, spelt backwards ‘goop’ becomes Poog – which is both a rare digestive disorder where you eat too much macrobiotic food and your poo turns into porridge and the prospective name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s third child. But we digress.

Goop is also the name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, which is primarily notable for the fact that everyone thinks it’s a bunch of poncey toss. As you can imagine, Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t responded well to this.

Like most normal people, we were pretty terrified when Gwyneth Paltrow decided to star in Iron Man and then started knocking around in high heels and miniskirts. Because that’s not the Gwyneth Paltrow that we knew and loved – this was a new Gwyneth Paltrow, a Gwyneth Paltrow we wouldn’t completely hate spending any time with. It frightened us.

We were used to the old Gwyneth Paltrow – the pallid one who looked as if her entire daily dietary intake consisted of three grains of parboiled brown rice. The one who named her children after fruit and mad-eyed biblical figures. The one who genuinely couldn’t stop complaining about anything at all. But there was no need for any of to worry.

Just because Gwyneth Paltrow has started to wear clothes in colours other than beige, grey and three-day-old puddle, it doesn’t mean that she’s a brand new person. She’s still a moany old cow deep down. And the reaction to her lifestyle website has made sure that we never forget that.

If you haven’t yet seen it, Gwyneth Paltrow has got a website called Goop.com, which we assume stands for Gwyneth ‘Objectionably Orful’ Paltrow, that couldn’t be more simpering, wet or patronising if it was a trainee drama teacher. At random, here’s a passage from Goop about Gwyneth Paltrow’s first trip to Paris with her dad:

“On the plane back to London he asked me if I knew why we had gone, just he and I, to Paris for the weekend. I said no, but I felt so lucky for the trip. He said, “I wanted you to see Paris for the first time with a man who would always love you, no matter what.”

Oh, now we get it – Goop is the noise that people make as they try to swallow down all the vomit they involuntarily bring up when they read the website. Genius.

We’re not the only ones to think this – Goop has been hauled over the coals by the press since it was first launched, and now Gwyneth Paltrow has had enough. MSNBC quotes her as saying:

“I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don’t really get it, because if they did, they would like it… There’s nothing incendiary about it. I find it really interesting because it’s a harmless [news]letter that goes out each week.”

Oh, you know what? We actually agree with Gwyneth. People just don’t get Goop, because if they did then they’d like it. It’s the same thing as sneaking into a stable at night and mutilating a horse – the only people who bang on about how wrong it is are the people who don’t do it.

That’s why we believe that Gwyneth Paltrow should be allowed to stab as many horses under the cover of night as she wants. We think that was our point. Anything that stops her writing her bloody awful website, anyway.

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