Gwyneth Paltrow goop - HecklerSpray

Gwyneth Paltrow Teaches Us How to Have Proper Anal Sex

March 29th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Some days I wake up and it’s as if God himself is smiling down upon me, and today is one of those days. While I was lotioning up my hands this morning, as I’ve recently sustained horrible burns to them from a boiling soup incident (I know many of you think I deserve this), a notification came up on my phone about Gwyneth Paltrow (of course I get celeb gossip updates to my phone).

The first blog I ever wrote back in 2013 was about Gwennie and the shit she gets on with, and boy is she literally getting on with shit today, teaching all us poor, uneducated peasants how to properly take it in the ass. The Lord doth giveth today, my friends.

Gwyneth Paltrow Used to Be Really Cool

March 23rd, 2015 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Recently, Gwyneth Paltrow took to Instagram to post a Throwback Thursday pic from 1992 with her ex-boyfriend, Donavan Leitch. She was 19, not famous, and, dare I say, looked pretty cool (yes, I think people look cool when they smoke. I’m such a nerd). Then I thought: Man, remember back when Gwyneth Paltrow was really fucking cool?

It was a glorious time called the 1990s and everyone from Johnny Depp to Leonardo DiCaprio to Madonna was exponentially cooler. EVEN Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, she was kind of a big deal in the world of cool. Of course, this was before she was the pretentious, kale-loving cunt we all know and hate today.

Gwyneth Paltrow Will Star in Two Laugh-Free Glee Episodes

September 21st, 2010 By Amy Grindhouse

Gwyneth Paltrow will stop fannying about with her silly GOOP website for five minutes to hang with the kids. Not her own kids, you silly bugger – the 25-year-olds playing school children on Glee.

To be clear, that’s not Glee spelt with an ‘L’. It’s spelt with some one’s hands cunningly fashioned into an ‘L’ shape, as that’s what those wacky kids are doing these days.

Gwyneth seems like a nice enough lady. By that we mean, if she were our geography teacher or something we’d like her just as much (we don’t just make that comparison because she reminds this writer of nice Mrs. Smith who always smelt like a heady mix of cat urine and fish).

Gwyneth Paltrow Whines About Her Poxy Website

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Gwyneth Paltrow has a long history with the word ‘goop’ – it’s the noise her macrobiotic meals make as they get served onto a plate, for example.

Plus, spelt backwards ‘goop’ becomes Poog – which is both a rare digestive disorder where you eat too much macrobiotic food and your poo turns into porridge and the prospective name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s third child. But we digress.

Goop is also the name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, which is primarily notable for the fact that everyone thinks it’s a bunch of poncey toss. As you can imagine, Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t responded well to this.