Articles tagged with: Gwyneth Paltrow
Blame Gwyneth Paltrow For Scarlett Johansson’s Weight Loss
Scarlett Johansson wants you to know that she don't need no steenkin' bosoms, or no steenkin' bottom. The actress, once famed for her Marilyn Monroe-like curves, has recently slimmed down and is a shadow of her former self. Rather than take the well-trodden path of just wearing spectacles or living in her gym clothes, when she wants to make herself comparatively ugly and be taken seriously as an actress, Scarlett has stripped herself bare. Gone is the long, blond mane of cascading curls. Gone is the hourglass silhouette. And worst of all, the famed ScarJo chichis are now barely a C cup!
Scarlett Johansson wants you to know that she don't need no steenkin' bosoms, or no steenkin' bottom. The actress, once famed for her Marilyn Monroe-like curves, has recently slimmed down and is a shadow of her former self. Rather than take the well-trodden path of just wearing spectacles or living in her gym clothes, when she wants to make herself comparatively ugly and be taken seriously as an actress, Scarlett has stripped herself bare. Gone is the long, blond mane of cascading curls. Gone is the hourglass silhouette. And worst of all, the famed ScarJo chichis are now barely a C cup!
Gwyneth Paltrow Whines About Her Poxy Website
Gwyneth Paltrow has a long history with the word 'goop' - it's the noise her macrobiotic meals make as they get served onto a plate, for example. Plus, spelt backwards 'goop' becomes Poog - which is both a rare digestive disorder where you eat too much macrobiotic food and your poo turns into porridge and the prospective name of Gwyneth Paltrow's third child. But we digress. Goop is also the name of Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website, which is primarily notable for the fact that everyone thinks it's a bunch of poncey toss. As you can imagine, Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't responded well to this.
Gwyneth Paltrow has a long history with the word 'goop' - it's the noise her macrobiotic meals make as they get served onto a plate, for example. Plus, spelt backwards 'goop' becomes Poog - which is both a rare digestive disorder where you eat too much macrobiotic food and your poo turns into porridge and the prospective name of Gwyneth Paltrow's third child. But we digress. Goop is also the name of Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website, which is primarily notable for the fact that everyone thinks it's a bunch of poncey toss. As you can imagine, Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't responded well to this.
Director Takes Blame For Joaquin Phoenix’s Unravelling Mind
If you're looking for a cause for Joaquin Phoenix's erratic behaviour - other than Joaquin Phoenix's innate dickery - then you could be in luck. That's because James Gray - the director of Joaquin Phoenix's new film - says that he feels responsible for Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, growing a beard like a French lady's armpit, becoming a rapper and having a completely cuckoo loopy meltdown. We're still not convinced that Joaquin Phoenix isn't hoaxing everyone, but James Gray makes a convincing point - if you spent six months staring at Gwyneth Paltrow's bare breasts, you'd be lucky to escape with all your marbles, too.
If you're looking for a cause for Joaquin Phoenix's erratic behaviour - other than Joaquin Phoenix's innate dickery - then you could be in luck. That's because James Gray - the director of Joaquin Phoenix's new film - says that he feels responsible for Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, growing a beard like a French lady's armpit, becoming a rapper and having a completely cuckoo loopy meltdown. We're still not convinced that Joaquin Phoenix isn't hoaxing everyone, but James Gray makes a convincing point - if you spent six months staring at Gwyneth Paltrow's bare breasts, you'd be lucky to escape with all your marbles, too.
Is Gwyneth Paltrow Schtupping A Billionaire? Would You Even Care?
Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier. And it's all Gwyneth Paltrow's fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday - or whatever - came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage to Chris Martin is 'on a break' and that she's spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer. Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let's hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she's inspired her husband to write over the years, it'd mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.
Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier. And it's all Gwyneth Paltrow's fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday - or whatever - came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage to Chris Martin is 'on a break' and that she's spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer. Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let's hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she's inspired her husband to write over the years, it'd mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.
Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Side By Scrawny Side With Madonna
As normally-functioning human beings, you've probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce. And we're sure it was a hard decision to make - not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train. But that's not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face - she's stepped up to the plate and declared that she's firmly on Madonna's side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she's scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
As normally-functioning human beings, you've probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce. And we're sure it was a hard decision to make - not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train. But that's not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face - she's stepped up to the plate and declared that she's firmly on Madonna's side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she's scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
VIDEO: Chris Martin Takes Rage Out Of His Lyrics, Places It On Some Guy
It's just, It hasn't even called, you know?
Another person who's recently endured physical combat in the name of love, apparently, is Chris Martin. Gwyneth Paltrow just barely stayed in a hospital. When she was released a Papo said the wrong thing at the wrong time - then it was on!
There's even video...
We here at hecklerspray have a dream, and that dream includes two powerful fists, and shoes with spikes on the top & springs on the bottom. It's for jumping and jabbing. We're tough now, you see, and once we prove our manhood via physical combat in malls with random passer-bys, the Drudge Report might take us back.
It's just, It hasn't even called, you know?
Another person who's recently endured physical combat in the name of love, apparently, is Chris Martin. Gwyneth Paltrow just barely stayed in a hospital. When she was released a Papo said the wrong thing at the wrong time - then it was on!
There's even video...
