Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
You know, I had always liked Amber Rose and thought she was a smart woman. However, I’m saying this in the past tense because anyone who willing pisses off Beyonce and Jay-Z fans by purposely spreading rumors is CLEARLY dumb af.
Amber recently went on Heidi and Spencer Pratt’s podcast and–with zero evidence–claimed that longtime Bey-Z bestie, Gwyneth Paltrow, was the infamous “Becky with the good hair.” In the words of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, “You in danger, girl.”
You guys have probably noticed that I haven’t been blogging as much this past month (or maybe you haven’t, who knows?). Part of this is because I was on a sweet Disney vacation with my family for almost two weeks, the other part is that celebrity gossip has gotten boring af.
Back in my day (2003-2009?), everyone was partying too hard, having meltdowns, addicted to drugs and alcohol, dropping sex tapes, picking up eating disorders, having affairs, banging each others exes, and I’m legit just referring to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
Some days I wake up and it’s as if God himself is smiling down upon me, and today is one of those days. While I was lotioning up my hands this morning, as I’ve recently sustained horrible burns to them from a boiling soup incident (I know many of you think I deserve this), a notification came up on my phone about Gwyneth Paltrow (of course I get celeb gossip updates to my phone).
The first blog I ever wrote back in 2013 was about Gwennie and the shit she gets on with, and boy is she literally getting on with shit today, teaching all us poor, uneducated peasants how to properly take it in the ass. The Lord doth giveth today, my friends.
Let’s be real: Hollywood is full of assholes. I mean, the world in general is full of assholes, but the world of celebrity tends to really put the assholes on display.
While some people are really good at hiding how much of an asshole they are (apparently Zach Braff is a huge asshole. NO WAY!), other people (like, say, Mel Gibson) have more trouble concealing it. Here are 11 celebrities who’ve had a rough time hiding how big of assholes they are.
Recently, Gwyneth Paltrow took to Instagram to post a Throwback Thursday pic from 1992 with her ex-boyfriend, Donavan Leitch. She was 19, not famous, and, dare I say, looked pretty cool (yes, I think people look cool when they smoke. I’m such a nerd). Then I thought: Man, remember back when Gwyneth Paltrow was really fucking cool?
It was a glorious time called the 1990s and everyone from Johnny Depp to Leonardo DiCaprio to Madonna was exponentially cooler. EVEN Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, she was kind of a big deal in the world of cool. Of course, this was before she was the pretentious, kale-loving cunt we all know and hate today.
The ongoing battle between Gwyneth Paltrow and Martha Stewart is both hilarious and so white it’s blinding.? While rappers shoot each other, and rock stars use their fists and sleep with the wives of their enemies, apparently rich privileged ladies make passive aggressive desserts and put them to print.
Damn,?I guess when your livelihood is?making someone feel like a less than adequate woman if they don’t have proper napkin rings, none of?us should be surprised at?how gangsta these two could get.
Ever since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin decided to “consciously uncouple,” I have been waiting for him to bring out his inner rock star slut and go on a groupie rampage.? You know dude has probably not felt the warm touch of a woman in many, many years.
Sadly, Martin doesn’t seem to be pulling a Gene Simmons, and instead is reportedly dating Jennifer Lawrence.? While this pairing doesn’t exactly make tons of sense to me, I do get a sick pleasure out of the thought that Gwyneth is crying into her white?9000 thread count organic Egyptian cotton sheets about it.
Are you ever faced with a problem and can’t help but think WWBLD? Of course you don’t, you’re normal. That’s why you didn’t even know that ‘BL’ stood for Blake Lively until you just read it.?
Although you probably guessed that from the title. Moving on. Following in the organic and responsibly sourced footsteps of Gwyneth Paltrow, Blake Lively is launching her own lifestyle website all about how to live like you are crapping money on a daily basis and are allergic to Ikea. Girl, this could be the kiss of death for your credibility.
Chris Martin had to give up a lot during his marriage to Gwyneth Paltrow.? His dignity, warmth and affection, the ability to use normal products like Johnson&Johnson soap and tap water.? But one of the hardest parts had to probably be the fact that Goopy banned him from ever eating any meat.? Tofurkeys are cruel and unusual punishment.
Now that the two have decided to “consciously uncouple” themselves, Martin has gotten back together with his old flame, meat.? And he couldn’t be happier.? Not only because it’s freaking delicious, but because he can publicly give Gwyneth the finger without looking like a douche.
I get really excited when celebrities who are supposed to be above shit talking do it anyway, even if it’s done in a very passive aggressive way.? Angelina Jolie is one of those celebs.? She’s all about saving the world and having tons of babies and being classy now.
So during an interview for her new movie Maleficent, it was kind of shocking to see her talk about motherhood in a way that you knew was in reference to Gwyneth Paltrow’s unrelateable ass.?? Even Angelina Jolie can’t stop herself from throwing a little well deserved shade.? It’s like we’re soul mates.
