Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn’t like women with stupid accents.

Because that’s incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins – and now it’s been rumoured that he’s hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant.

And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.

It’s good to see that after all the arguments, comparisons to butchery cast-offs and possibly having it away with steroid-using idiots, Guy Ritchie and Madonna have managed to move on from their divorce with the utmost dignity.

Well, you know, dignity only relative to two people who dress up like slutty 14-year-olds and make the worst films in the history of planet Earth respectively. Madonna is apparently going out with a boy named Jesus who could literally only be younger than he currently is if he was a test tube full of sperm, and Guy Ritchie is still cartwheeling after a woman so unrelentingly upper class that she probably employs a full staff of Indonesians just to keep riff-raff out of her eyeline in case one of them offends her delicate sensibilities.

You may remember that Guy Ritchie and Hugh Grant’s ex-girlfriend Jemima Khan were possibly but not quite a couple back in December. Well we’ve got some blisteringly hot news for you – Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan are… still possibly but not quite a couple. Gigantic news, we know. Gather yourselves and read what the News Of The World has to say about it:

One close friend told me: “They’re taking things slowly as Guy doesn’t want to throw himself back into the dating world so soon after splitting with him. Jemima has been there to comfort him — they’ve become very good friends because of it. But everyone can see there’s clearly a connection between them and I don’t think anyone would be surprised if they take things on to the next level.”

Personally we’re hoping that Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan do manage to take things on to the next level, because at this rate, the next level would be ‘sharing a strand of spaghetti like in Lady And The Tramp except the strand of spaghetti is nine miles long and they’re both quite full up’.

Honestly, we’ve calculated that Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan are moving so slowly that they’d need to take things on by about 300 extra levels before they actually become a couple, which we’d like to see because they’d probably split up a couple of days afterwards and then we’d actually have something decent to write about for once. People, let’s make it happen.

Read more:

A Guy Khan Look! – NOTW

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