Articles tagged with: Guy Ritchie
Guy Ritchie Still Loves Madonna, Even Though She’s A Huge Retard
If there's one thing that Madonna isn't, it's a retard. Old, gap-toothed, embarrassing, yes - but not retarded. But tell that to Guy Ritchie. He was married to Madonna for several years, so if he says that Madonna is retarded then, yes, Madonna must be retarded. And since Guy Ritchie said that Madonna is retarded in this month's Esquire, it must be true. But it's OK - Guy also says that he still loves Madonna. Aww, it's just like Romeo & Juliet, isn't it? A wildly offensive version of Romeo & Juliet where Juliet is about 150 years old and keeps thrusting her manky old genitals in people's faces when they're trying to eat.
If there's one thing that Madonna isn't, it's a retard. Old, gap-toothed, embarrassing, yes - but not retarded. But tell that to Guy Ritchie. He was married to Madonna for several years, so if he says that Madonna is retarded then, yes, Madonna must be retarded. And since Guy Ritchie said that Madonna is retarded in this month's Esquire, it must be true. But it's OK - Guy also says that he still loves Madonna. Aww, it's just like Romeo & Juliet, isn't it? A wildly offensive version of Romeo & Juliet where Juliet is about 150 years old and keeps thrusting her manky old genitals in people's faces when they're trying to eat.
Brad Pitt To Be In Sherlock Holmes, But Not Really
When Henry VIII wrote his first Sherlock Holmes story on the severed necks of his dead wives sometime in the 1500s, he likely had no idea how long his sleuth would endure. Yet here it is, some 500 years later and we're still making movies out of him. And how, you might ask, can this next incarnation possibly seem fresh after all these years? Why, as best as we can tell they're tying in Iron Man or something. Also - they're bringing in Brad Pitt. Or they're not. But they are. Or they're not.
When Henry VIII wrote his first Sherlock Holmes story on the severed necks of his dead wives sometime in the 1500s, he likely had no idea how long his sleuth would endure. Yet here it is, some 500 years later and we're still making movies out of him. And how, you might ask, can this next incarnation possibly seem fresh after all these years? Why, as best as we can tell they're tying in Iron Man or something. Also - they're bringing in Brad Pitt. Or they're not. But they are. Or they're not.
Watch The Sherlock Holmes Trailer! Elementary, My Dear Watson!
Robert Downey Jr. is Sherlock Holmes... Our inspectors are baffled by the mystery of it: somehow, our favourite Victorian hero was mistaken for Inspector Gadget. Guy Ritchie resurrects London's drug-reliant super-detective and ditches his deerstalker hat for ninja skills and fruity dialogue. Accompanied by Watson (Jude Law), a plot involving the occult and other destructive powers sends Mr. Holmes on a mission fraught with explosions, bare-knuckle boxing and ridiculous acrobatics.
Robert Downey Jr. is Sherlock Holmes... Our inspectors are baffled by the mystery of it: somehow, our favourite Victorian hero was mistaken for Inspector Gadget. Guy Ritchie resurrects London's drug-reliant super-detective and ditches his deerstalker hat for ninja skills and fruity dialogue. Accompanied by Watson (Jude Law), a plot involving the occult and other destructive powers sends Mr. Holmes on a mission fraught with explosions, bare-knuckle boxing and ridiculous acrobatics.
Portrait Of Madonna’s Saggy Tits Fails To Sell
At one point in time, Madonna was a feminine woman who graced the charts without having to flex her arse at us. Even perverts liked her - they got to see ropey porn featuring cars and candle wax. Now she’s bulked up so much that if you sticky-taped a drawing of a willy over her lady tunnel, she'd legally be classified as a bloke. Over the years, she has moved on to other career paths. These include picking up an African child as her new plaything and divorcing Guy Richie. Someone captured their time together in a painting which we’d sum up as rubbish. Arty people seem to agree too - nobody bought it.
At one point in time, Madonna was a feminine woman who graced the charts without having to flex her arse at us. Even perverts liked her - they got to see ropey porn featuring cars and candle wax. Now she’s bulked up so much that if you sticky-taped a drawing of a willy over her lady tunnel, she'd legally be classified as a bloke. Over the years, she has moved on to other career paths. These include picking up an African child as her new plaything and divorcing Guy Richie. Someone captured their time together in a painting which we’d sum up as rubbish. Arty people seem to agree too - nobody bought it.
Guy Ritchie & Jemima Khan: Genuinely Rubbish Couple Alert
Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn't like women with stupid accents. Because that's incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins - and now it's been rumoured that he's hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant. And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.
Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn't like women with stupid accents. Because that's incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins - and now it's been rumoured that he's hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant. And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.
Guy Ritchie’s New Girlfriend = Hugh Grant’s Old Girlfriend?
All those years of marriage to Madonna have done something strange to Guy Ritchie - they've opened him up to the possibility of love. Or, to be more specific, they've opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak. To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen 'canoodling' with Jemima Khan - a woman who's basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.
All those years of marriage to Madonna have done something strange to Guy Ritchie - they've opened him up to the possibility of love. Or, to be more specific, they've opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak. To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen 'canoodling' with Jemima Khan - a woman who's basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.
Madonna Divorce Settlement: Considerably Stingier Than Assumed
Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she's so lovely? Yeah, she's not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn't dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money. However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they're happy with the divorce settlement - Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn't have a wife who looks like a pensioner's scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.
Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she's so lovely? Yeah, she's not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn't dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money. However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they're happy with the divorce settlement - Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn't have a wife who looks like a pensioner's scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.
Madonna Gives Guy Ritchie A Dirty Great Pile Of Divorce Cash
When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn't about the money - definitely, definitely not. It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn't feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn't divorce Madonna for the money. Except now Guy Ritchie's divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It's so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!
When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn't about the money - definitely, definitely not. It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn't feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn't divorce Madonna for the money. Except now Guy Ritchie's divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It's so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!
