Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Rock music is all about big parties, big hair and big mountains of cocaine that you can slam a groupie’s head into, isn’t it? Not if you’re Axl Rose and all you want is to get your head down for a couple of hours.
Perhaps we’re being too harsh on ol’ castrato-voice himself but this is- without a doubt- the most boring news story in Rock. That’s right folks, this one’s a stinker.
Axl Rose wanted blackout blinds for his penthouse suite so he could get some kip.
Remember when Slash was in a band? Then he wimped off because he was getting picked on by a man in cycling shorts, preferring to job it as a guitar slag for hire? Well, in addition to ‘guitar solo for hire’, he’s now?Jim Carrey’s relationship advisor!
No, honestly he is.
Carrey got all?heartbroken following the breakdown of a relationship, so for seemingly no reason at all, Slash decided he was the man to cheer him up, all the while, wearing his Papa Lazaru top-hat and afro combo! Awww!
That Axl Rose is a nice, reasonable, not completely batpiss mental fella isn’t he? No, you might think that all the business with bullying the behatted Slash was all a bit much, but really, wouldn’t you pick on a berk from Stoke who looked like that?
Course you would.
Naturally, what with Axl being absolutely misunderstood, former Guns N’ Roses members aren’t looking forward to the group’s induction at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They think kitten Axl is going to spoil it all in some way.
Kate Bush is releasing an album and everyone is getting very, very excited. It’ll be out in November and will be called 50 Words For Snow. A Christmas album no less. How very, very thrilling.
That said, it may as well be called ’50 Words For Lazy’ as Kate isn’t exactly known to have a particularly good work ethic.
After a run of LPs in the late 70s and 80s, Kate put her feet up and released 4 albums (including this new one) in nearly 20 years. That’s impressively bone idle. And so, this got us thinking: Who are the laziest people in music? Which bands are so workshy that they can’t even be bothered to release music to their adoring fans?
Slash says what we’re all thinking, which is, “why the hell does Glee exist, dear God why?!” Obviously. The fuzzy, top hatted, hard rocking, guitar melting, muppet-esque, English-born rock idol has endeared himself to us, quickly becoming our favourite person called Saul.
In an interview, he was asked how he would feel about pappy, syrupy, musical teen drivel Glee butchering a Guns N’ Roses track.
Slash revealed that the show, known for being boring and irritating had already asked for permission to cover songs by the band, who were known for taking so many drugs that some of them have died multiple times. The idiots.
The highlight of this weekend’s Reading and Leeds Festival was probably the performance by the Guns N’ Roses tribute band.
They were awesome. Admittedly they didn’t get the details quite right – there was no Slash lookalike and the guy pretending to be Axl Rose was fairly obviously an obese ginger transvestite sea lion who appeared to have never heard a single Guns N’ Roses song in his entire life – but on the whole it was pretty good.
What? That was actually Guns N’ Roses onstage? The real Guns N’ Roses? Seriously? Christ, in that case they were terrible. And, because they were pulled offstage before the end of their set for breaking the festival’s curfew, they’re all now furious. Or at least as furious as a person can be when they’re dressed up like Mick Hucknall‘s drunken line-dancing auntie, anyway.
Guns N? Roses’ bloated and abhorred frontman and only original member Axl Rose appears to have had yet another meltdown, this time announcing the cancellation of his entire world tour.
Not content with alienating himself from his bandmates, making the most expensive flop in music history, delaying any and all Guns N’ Roses output however he can as well as routinely showing up late for and randomly cancelling shows, Rose may have just decided to go all out and cancel every show he plans to play in the entire world!
We have news to make you skip to work this morning! You big girls. No more Guns N’ Roses! EVER!
Thousands of men who very wrongly believe that having long, wispy hair somehow means people don’t notice their aggressive male pattern baldness are today breathing deep, sad sighs. Which could explain that odd smell of cabbage and bad beer we noticed when we left our house this morning.
Yes, Axl Rose has declared that there is no way the original Guns N’ Roses will get back together. Where the hell was this Axl Rose 20 years ago, eh?
Axl Rose always keeps his promises – even promises that take about 20 years which nobody really cares about any more.
And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.
And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing – Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date – the year four hundred billion AD.
You know Chinese Democracy? The just-released album by Guns N’ Roses that was titled to deliberately upset the Chinese government?
Well, you’ll never guess what it’s just done. A newspaper published by the Chinese government’s ruling Communist Party has got upset with the title Chinese Democracy, and accused Guns N’ Roses of ‘turning its spearpoint’ on China.
Not that the Chinese government has any real reason to worry about Guns N’ Roses’ spear – based on historical evidence we’d say that Axl Rose is going to spend the next 15 years polishing the spear to within an inch of its life, then get Shaquille O’Neal to do a rap about the spear, then build everybody’s expectations of the spear to the extent that it’ll be a horrible letdown to anyone who actually sees the spear. And then instead of stabbing anyone with it, he’ll just go and have a wank anyway.
