As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’

‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.

Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.

Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.

In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or mauled by a thousand geese which have somehow been weened off of duck food in favour of human flesh. It wouldn’t have to happen often – just once a season or so. Sweeps week seems like a good time to air those episodes.

Unfortunately for everybody though – this is not an ideal world. Puck was never gored by anything, Simon Cowell’s never suffered a snake attack, and New York’s mother had a deal fall through where she’d agreed to be pulled to pieces by four horses tied to her extremities. That last one was going to air on VH1, and the deal was for 15 million dollars. Its just what we heard.

One thing TV does have going for it though, at least recently, is that we can all at least watch Duane ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ Chapman get shot at. According to CNN:

When a fugitive fired shots at bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Tuesday night, cameras were rolling for his reality TV show, Chapman said. The man, later captured by Chapman’s wife and son, apologized to the Chapmans for shooting at them…[An] attempted murder charge — for shooting while fleeing — will likely be dropped because no gun was found [according to Dog].

When asked how he and his family avoided so many whizzing bullets, Chapman said only that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he and his wife his behind. Everyone else just hid behind Mrs. Chapman’s meaty leg.

All of that was very paraphrased, mind you. Or fabricated.

Well this must be a delightful change of pace for Dog. He’s got his show back since he decided not to be racist anymore. Mexico’s decided to let his rat-infested prison sentence slide a bit, and although all native Americans have made it quite clear they don’t want him crashing their tribal parties, Aborigines have given him an open invitation to tour their rain stick factories anytime he’s down under.

That’s who makes rain sticks, right? The Aborigines?

It just looks like a craft they’d be good at.

We thought so.

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And now that the people of the world once again recognise Robert Downey Jr in the street – and now that he’s likely off the smack and charlie – people are more likely to listen to him. So it comes as a nice big pile of fun when the man gets all ranty, decides he disagrees with just about everyone in the world and that he hates The Dark Knight, because it makes him feel ‘dumb’.

For once we don’t have to add much to that – it’s simply what he said in an interview with Movie Hole.

Speaking about the plans for Iron Man 2, the Marvel-contracted actor decided that he shouldn’t just talk up some vague plot points, speculate on what may happen in the sequel and start the ball rolling on some early hype for the upcoming blockbuster.

No – he would also stick the knife in in a pretty spectacular fashion, especially when you consider this is mainstream Hollywood cinema, people are likely to see what he’s said and it will get widely reported.

Just for that, we have to give Robert Downey Jr a special hecklerspray ‘Well Done You Have Some Balls’ award that we’ve just invented.

Congratulations, Bobby – how does it feel to be the first ever recipient?

Granted, he may not have threatened his mum, died or had a serious car accident, but directly slagging off a competitor’s film is good enough for us. Talking to Movie Hole, Downey Jr let loose this barrage:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart…and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I…still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F–k DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Clearly not a man worried about burning any bridges… oh, wait, he went on about that too, the little git:

“You know, you’re never too old to burn your bridges because I believe I have offended everyone. I think I’ve got a couple more. ‘I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it’ is my favourite phrase I’ve ever coined.”

Well, we’re not going to argue with that.

Maybe years of drug abuse, carrying weapons around and getting arrested every three-point-four minutes is the recipe to make the perfect movie star – one who can actually act pretty well and one who has both an actual set of balls and a lack of inner monologue, leaving them free to say what they actually mean.

Set the plan in motion, Hollywood berks – prescription smack and a shotgun for Lindsay Lohan, followed by four arrests in a week. Maybe that’ll make her fun again.

Read The Rest Of It Here:

Movie Hole

Jerry Lewis has tried the former thousands of times. He’s raised hundreds of millions of dollars to fight the disfiguring beast – but it keeps coming back. He raises more money… then it comes back again. It’s as if his efforts are all for nought.

Well Lewis has had it – he’s apparently found out where muscular dystrophy lives, and was flying there to confront it with a bullet-hungry gun. Airport authorities probably don’t care about the welfare of muscular dystrophy, and may even root for Lewis when the final battle goes down, but when they found him with a firearm on the far side of the metal detector, they had to detain him anyway.

Jerry Lewis is 82 years old, Jerry Lewis’ apology to Jesse the illiterate faggot was true and heart-felt, and Jerry Lewis hates diseases that rob people of personal mobility while weakening their bones. This is all we know of the man since he voluntarily retreated from the gleam of the public eye. He has become a mystery, a mystery the world simply must solve.

And so it is another piece to the Jerry Lewis puzzle has been laid before us – he likes to illegally carry guns. It’s unknown what exactly he does with the guns he carries, but we assume he sells them to colour-wearing pre-teens in Compton. We don’t blame him, because as we all know – social security don’t stretch by itself.

On Lewis’ last trip to Compton, though, it seems he forgot to sell one of the guns he kept tucked in the back of his giant grey sweats. Did we mention we’re speculating? But Reuters isn’t:

“Comedian Jerry Lewis was detained by police in Las Vegas late last week when airport screeners found an unloaded gun in his baggage, authorities said on Tuesday. Lewis, 82, had a small .22-caliber handgun when he arrived at the security screening area on Friday at Las Vegas McCarran International Airport, said Officer Ramon Denby, a spokesman for the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. The comedian was briefly detained and the gun was seized. Lewis was cited for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, Denby said.”

Really, this all brings us to the need for more serious gun restrictions implemented within the United States. We have a few ideas. For instance, senior citizen comedians should be banned completely. Also, anyone from the south. Also, you shouldn’t be able to own a gun if you are ugly or seriously retarded. Also if you have diseases you can’t have a gun. This simple measure could help prevent the spread of things like AIDS, bronchitis, and that one sickness where your outer-skin turns rigid like a skeleton.

Can you imagine living in a world without diseases that make your outer skin so bone-like? You won’t have to just imagine it – if you ban all guns.

C’mon people – let’s ban them.

Let’s ban them together.

We only know this, though, because former Law & Order actor Dennis Farina tried to board a plane with a loaded unregistered semiautomatic handgun in his briefcase and was promptly arrested for it.

Although some are accusing Dennis Farina of gross stupidity almost to the point of mental illness for trying to take a loaded gun onto a plane, we actually couldn’t disagree more – Farina’s arrest has just closed down another airport security loophole. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just unwitting foiled Al Qaeda’s latest sneaky plan to hijack a bunch of planes by hiding loaded guns in terrorists’ briefcases. He deserves your credit.

We’re starting to think that it might not be such a wonderful idea to act in a long-running American procedural crime show, because it obviously sends you loopy. Not so long ago a CSI actor was arrested with a mountain of drugs in his car, and now Law & Order star Dennis Farina has been arrested for trying to saunter onto a plane with a loaded gun in his briefcase.

What makes Dennis Farina’s arrest all the more surprising is that not only did he play a policeman in Law & Order, but he’s also played policemen in just about everything he’s starred in and he was actually a policeman for 20 years. You’d think that’d give him a slight grounding in the law – especially the law about, say, not taking a gun onto a plane, shooting all the cabin crew dead and slamming the plane into Mount Rushmore – but Farina’s actually got a pretty good excuse.

You see, it’s all a big accident. As an American, Dennis Farina uses a gun for everything – from shooting intruders to opening tin cans to signing his name on contracts in banks – and so he just forgot that the gun was in his briefcase. Nevertheless, he’s been arrested. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Farina, 64, was booked in a felony case after LAX screeners found a loaded handgun in his briefcase as he prepared to board a plane. The actor, who is often cast as a foul-mouthed mobster or cop, was contrite when he told airport police and FBI agents that he had forgotten he put the .22-caliber semi-automatic weapon in the case, authorities said. He spent most of the day in a Van Nuys jail and was released on $35,000 bail. “He was apologetic and very cooperative, and he said he understood what was going to happen,” said LAX Police Sgt. Jim Holcomb.

It’s been reported that Dennis Farnina’s bail was initially set at $25,000, up until police discovered that the gun was unregistered, at which point an extra $10,000 was slung on top.

As a former police officer, though, we’re sure that a swift guilty plea will keep Dennis Farina away from serious punishment. And that’s just as well, because he simply doesn’t have the array of excuses open to him that other celebrities in similar situations have.

Like when Snoop Dogg was arrested for trying to carry a 21-inch police baton onto a plane, his excuse was that it was a prop for an upcoming hip-hop music video shoot. If Dennis Farina decided to do that then he’d actually have to make a hip-hop music video and the next thing you know we’ll have to put up with having a 64-year-old white man called D-Farizzle being number one with a song called something like I’ll Fuck Everyone Up. How could that possibly be of any use to society?

Read more:

Actor Dennis Farina Arrested for bringing gun to airport - LA Times

Because The Game, hip-hop's leading proponent of punching men to the ground during friendly basketball matches and then threatening to kill them with a gun, has started his 60-day jail sentence in LA.

However, it looks like The Game will get an easier ride than most other prisoners, because his jail sentence will be marked by the cushy segregation that all other celebrity inmates receive. Which is ironic, because we wouldn't be able to recognise The Game if he held a gun to our head.

OK, maybe if he held an actual gun to our head…

The Game isn't just a rapper, he's a role-model. Admittedly he'd be a bigger role-model if people had actually listened to any of his music in the last two years, but The Game should still think carefully about how his actions influence the young. Otherwise next thing you know there'll be gangs of kids all wearing masks in shopping malls and hurting policemen's feelings willy-nilly. And that way chaos lies.

But, worse, kids could copy The Game and start threatening their peers with guns during innocent sporting events. Imagine if little Timmy from across the street was arrested for pulling a glock on a six-year-old girl during the climax of a tense school sports day egg and spoon race. Because when that inevitably happens, it'll all be The Game's fault.

Substitute 'egg and spoon race' for 'basketball match' and 'six-year-old girl' for 'some bloke' and you're pretty close to imagining what The Game did last year. By getting arrested for punching a competitor in the face, running to fetch a gun from his car and then threatening to kill him, The Game got himself in more trouble than he could have ever wished for.

Last month The Game was sentenced to 60 days in jail for the incident and, on Sunday, he showed up to start his sentence, as E! Online reports:

The "How We Do" hip-hopster reported to Los Angeles' Twin Towers Correctional Facility Sunday night to begin serving a 60-day sentence after pleading no contest last month to whipping out a gun during a schoolyard pickup basketball game last February. According to TMZ, The Game will do his time in the joint in an isolated cell segregated from the general prison population.

However, as everybody knows, when a celebrity gets sent to jail in Los Angeles they never fully serve out their time. It's expected that The Game will only serve half of his sentence and will be released 30 days into his term. Sounds cushy, we know, but how would you like spending Easter, St Patrick's Day and International Women's Day locked in a cell? The Game will experience a hitherto unknown emotional challenge trying to get through that without weeping like a baby.  

But listen, now that The Game is in jail and Foxy Brown is in jail, literally the only rappers not in jail at the moment are two of the Fat Boys and MC Miker G. Literally.

Read more:

The Game Goes to Jail - E! Online 

Can't we all say that's happened to us at one point or another? We know we can – and those toddlers won't be asking for their marbles back in a hurry – and now so can The Game.

Rapper The Game has been sentenced to 60 days in jail for waving a gun around during a basketball match in a schoolyard. Good thing too – if The Game got away with it, this gun-based kill-threatening could have snuck into professional sports, and God knows Alan Smith is dangerous enough as it is without a six-shooter strapped to his thigh.

The Game is probably best known for having the most spectacularly ill-thought-out name in music. Google The Game and you're taken to pages about a David Fincher film, a chain of videogame stores, an American sitcom, a wrestler, a Jurassic 5 song and a book about how to trick girls into sleeping with you. That's something you don't get with, say, Lethal Bizzle.

So, knowing that he's up against all of those things, The Game has decided to get himself in the news as many times as possible. Mainly by acting like a dickwad, granted, but you can't fault him for trying. In the past The Game has been arrested for swearing in a shopping centre, for pretending to be a policeman and for giving another policeman self-esteem issues but, as you can tell, none of those things involved punching a man during a friendly sporting event and then threatening to kill him with a gun.

Fortunately, The Game realised this a year ago and did that very thing. He was then charged in June and faced a five-year jail sentence for it. However, thanks to that most gangsta of legal get-out clauses – the plea-bargain – The Game has only ended up being sentenced to 60 days in jail. E! Online reports:

The hit-making rappper has been sentenced to two months in an L.A. lockup after pleading no contest Monday to whipping out a gun during a schoolyard pickup basketball game. The 28-year-old "How We Do" hip-hopster, referred to in court by his given name, Jacyeon Terrell Taylor, worked out a deal with prosecutors to avoid up to five years in the can. In exchange for his no-contest plea on a felony count of possession of a firearm in a school zone, the district attorney's office dropped two other felony charges—making criminal threats and exhibiting a firearm in the presence of a peace officer.

As well as 60 days locked up, The Game will also have to complete 150 hours of community service, and he'll be on probation for three years – which seems like an awful long time to last for someone who once got arrested for making a policeman feel bad. 

So The Game is in jail and Foxy Brown is in jail. It seems that if this trend continues for much longer then all rappers will need to behave themselves because of their various probation orders. This will usher in a new era of gentlemanly, well-mannered hip-hop – and we've already preempted it, as our stocks of baggy tuxedos and oversized top-hats will attest.

And if Westwwod doesn't put our new banger Oh Marjory (What A Delightful Blouse) on heavy rotation by Easter, we'll be very surprised.

Read more:

Game Off—Rapper Sentenced to Jail - E! Online