Otherwise you’ll end up looking a tool, just like Akon. Akon has realised that, with evidence like several YouTube videos seen by millions of people working against him, he should probably plead guilty to angrily hurling a teenage boy off a stage during a concert.

It just shows that YouTube is king prosecutor. And now Akon has pleaded guilty of harassment, YouTube can claim its next scalp. Kittens, you are all guilty… of being adorable!

Although you may think it’s the way his voice sounds like a sizzurp-addicted Crazy Frog, Akon’s real worst enemy in recent years has been YouTube. It doesn’t matter how innocent his mistakes are, like violently dry-humping the underage daughter of a Trinidadian pastor across a stage during one of his concerts or whatever, they always end up being captured on video and uploaded to YouTube.

It’s got to the point where Akon can’t even do anything that many would consider to be perfectly normal, like dragging a teenage boy onstage during one of his concerts, lifting him above his head in an obnoxious show of authority and hurling him into the audience where he’ll end up concussing a girl, without it ending up all over the internet.

Because when that happens, it just makes it so bloody hard to pretend that you didn’t do it. Not that Akon didn’t have a jolly good bash, you understand – after he was arrested for throwing Anthony C. Smith into the crowd, Akon did his best to plead not guilty despite pretty much incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.

But not even Akon is stronger than the power of the internet, which is why he’s just decided to change his mind and plead guilty to what we assume is a charge of being a massive dickhead. The Poughkeepsie Journal reports:

In a matter of minutes this morning in Fishkill Town Justice Court, the controversial singer Akon pleaded guilty to second-degree harassment, a violation… [Afterwards] Smith walked up to Akon, shook the singer’s hand and said, “Thanks a lot.” Akon apologized several times to Smith, but was interrupted by the victim’s father, who said, “You threw my son off the stage.”

As punishment, Akon will escape jail but must pay a $250 and complete 65 hours of anti-gang and anti-violence community service. So at least something positive will come of this – Akon’s guilty plea might help rid the world of those awful gangs who roam around picking on innocent children and hurling them into crowds of people from a stage while being filmed on YouTube. And not a moment too soon, if you ask us.

More than anything, though, this has taught Akon an important lesson – if he wants to throw children into a crowd, he must only do it in the comfort of his own home away from the prying eyes of the internet. And just to make sure that nobody in these crowds is secretly filming him, he should replace them all with rows of six-foot metal spikes.

Yes, we are suggesting that Akon should start throwing children onto spikes. What of it?

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We’re being serious. It doesn’t go down well at all. Boy George, king of the bald, fat, previously androgynous 1980s homosexual popstars, has been found guilty of handcuffing a Norwegian male prostitute to a wall, beating him with a chain and threatening to kill him, and now he’s probably going to jail for it.

It just goes to show – never copy Boy George. It was true when you decided to decided to grow those nasty white-boy dreadlocks and it’s true now.

Poor Boy George, he’s such a victim of circumstance. After all, who can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven’t ever hired a Scandinavian male prostitute with the intention of making a number of pornographic photos together? We certainly have. We’ve done that very thing three times already today, and we’re going to use the resulting images on our Christmas cards.

So when Boy George decided that he wanted to make a load of gay porno pictures with Norwegian prostitute Audun Carlsen last year, nobody batted an eyelid. But the thing is with male prostitutes from Norway is that they’re notoriously unpredictable – something which Boy George understood and dealt with by handcuffing Carlsen to a wall. And beating him with a chain. And threatening to kill him, just in case all the stuff with the handcuffs and chain-beating didn’t really get the message across well enough.

Notice we didn’t use the word allegedly once there? That’s because it’s all true – our Christmas cards really are going to feature disturbing scenes of homosexual bondage and, after admitting that he used handcuffs to restrain him, Boy George really has just been found guilty of manwhore-chaining. People reports:

Boy George has been convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort. The singer looked grim as the verdict was delivered. The singer was released on bail until his Jan. 16 sentencing. Judge David Radford warned Boy George that he was likely to face jail time. “The fact that your bail is being continued does not imply that this will be dealt with by a non-custodial sentence. I don’t want any false expectations created.”

No wonder Boy George is looking a possible prison sentence. Jailing Boy George seems like the only sensible option, and not just because everyone knows that if you give Boy George community service, he’ll just run around hitting people with a broom and squealing.

No, we should think of poor Audun Carlsen here – he’s the real victim of Boy George’s crime. Getting chained up and beaten against your will is bad enough at the best of times, but knowing that you could be kept there forever or – worse – have to listen to any of Boy George’s solo albums is almost the dictionary definition of inhumane.

And think of his career prospects – by getting Boy George convicted of a false imprisonment charge, Audun Carlsen probably won’t be able to get any male prostitution work now. The poor boy will probably be reduced to… wait, what’s something that you can be reduced to when your last job involved being paid paltry sums of money to get bummed by chubby hasbeen singers? Is there even anything? No?

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By now you’ve probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he’s being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety.

But still, OJ Simpson won’t find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he’s been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he’s always wanted to, for example – the hypothetical If I Didn’t Do It, Here’s How It Didn’t Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.

So that’s that, then. The jury in the OJ Simpson has found OJ guilty of all 12 charges. Who knew angry white folk could be so mean? Thanks to the jury’s verdict, OJ Simpson could be looking at life in jail when sentencing rolls around in December.

It’s an epic fall from grace for the man who, just last year, was living the high life only achieved by the select few who dare to write books on how they’d like to stab their already-murdered ex-wife to death if they had the chance. And now he might just spend the rest of his life behind bars.

The lesson from this is clear – if you ever want to burst into a hotel room with a gang of armed men to steal hundreds of sports memorabilia items, try to make sure that nobody’s secretly taping it at the same time. Because ultimately, as the jury pointed out, that’s what did OJ Simpson in. Sportingnews reports:

Jurors who convicted O.J. Simpson of armed robbery and kidnapping said Sunday they did not trust witness testimony in the case, and instead relied on audio and video recordings and other documented evidence to convict him. Jury foreman Paul Connelly said it was perhaps a waste for prosecutors to have given plea deals to several Simpson co-defendants in exchange for their testimony, since the jury did not rely on it.

What? You mean the court could have simply played the audio tape to the jury and they would have reached the same verdict? And we still had to wade through weeks and weeks of watching flabby old hasbeen wiseguys stumble around on the verge of heart attacks? That hardly seems like the most efficient way to go about business, does it?

Anyway, OJ Simpson is said to be ‘melancholy’ at the verdict, and he’s planning to appeal based on several factors including the racial mix of the jury and that some jurors may have believed this conviction was payback for his double murder acquittal five years ago.

That won’t happen for a while, though – appeals can’t be processed until sentencing, which won’t happen until December – so until then, OJ Simpson will have to remain in jail. That won’t be especially fun for OJ, because he’s apparently being kept away from other prisoners for his own safety.

Not because they want to kill him or anything, you understand, but because all the other prisoners are such big fans of OJ Simpson’s hidden camera prank DVD Juiced that they’d be constantly pestering him for an autograph at all hours of the day.

In fact, that’s what saddens us most about this conviction – it means OJ Simpson won’t be able to make any more volumes of Juiced. He could try it in prison, we guess, but having each prank end with the furious victim anally brutalising OJ Simpson in the municipal showers as a horrifically violent revenge act would probably get quite old quite fast.

The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed – in that they weren’t really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they’d rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally – finally – make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting.

So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson’s fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can’t they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we’re losing all sensation in our feet.

In all of history, mean-looking white people have never made a decision as important as this one. And not the decision about whether OJ Simpson burst in on a hotel room with a gang of armed men as part of an armed robbery, or merely burst in on a hotel room with a gang of men who were armed against his knowledge to recover some of his own belongings in a legal yet somewhat heavyhanded transaction.

No, the important decision that the OJ Simpson jury has to reach is this – can they all reach a unanimous verdict as quickly as possible. They really should, you know, because everyone’s bored and autumn’s drawing in and the days are getting shorter and we’ve all got better things to do than watch what’s essentially a version of the plot of the Disney movie Wild Hogs that culminates in an alleged armed robbery.

Honestly, if the OJ Simpson trial has convinced of anything, it’s that we’re never going to pick a bunch of middle-aged men to be our goons in any of our future hotel room raids. First they all stab you in the back and then their litany of cardiac problems mean they’re basically too doddery and confused to actually be of any use to anyone anyway.

But hey, all this is in the hands of the jury now and, as BBC News reports, they’ve been sent away with the same of dreary cack they’ve been listening to for weeks ringing in their ears:

Prosecutor Chris Owens urged the jury to convict Mr Simpson, denouncing him for “arrogance” for thinking he could commit a crime “against the dignity and the peace of the state of Nevada”. “The kind of arrogance… that would make them think they could come in and get away with this kind of crime and that nobody would report it and they thought they could spin it that, ‘It’s all OK; It was my stuff’,” he said.

So we just have to wait and see what happens. But, actually, you know what? We’re probably going to be held in contempt of court for this, but we’d really like it if OJ Simpson was found innocent, please. That’s because we want him to keep releasing several more installments of his hilarious hidden camera pranks show Juiced.

That way, if he really is innocent, he’ll get to keep entertaining the public the way he always wanted to. And if he’s really guilty he’ll get to live the rest of his life knowing that he’s been reduced to churning out piss-weak, zero-budget DVDs that make a mockery of all his prior achievements and that nobody will ever genuinely enjoy. That’s probably worse than prison, to be honest.

So, obviously, it would be a good time for Anne Hathaway to maintain her silence over her suspiciously-timed split with Follieri. After all, when you split up with a man six hours before the FBI arrest him, you’d probably want the fuss to die down a little before you went shooting your mouth off about it.

Which is why we’ve got absolutely nothing to report from Anne Hathaway toda… what? Today just happens to be the exact day that Anne Hathaway’s decided to go public with her version of events? Right before Rafaello Follieri probably hears that he’s going to jail for several years? And she’s decided to do it by using a complex system of rug-positioning metaphors that don’t really make much sense? Do go on.

Rafaello Follieri’s had quite the turnaround in recent months. Not so long ago he was living the high life, trotting around the world, chatting idly with world leaders, with one of the world’s most beautiful – if alarmingly big-faced – actresses as his girlfriend.

Now, though, Rafaello Follieri has none of that. Today he’s expected to plead guilty to all the wire fraud conspiracy charges he was arrested for, which means that pretty soon he’ll be trotting round a cell, shitting idly into a bucket, with one of the jail’s burliest – if alarmingly tattooed and violent – prisoners as his girlfriend.

According to some reports, Rafaello Follieri can expect a jail sentence of anywhere between 51 and 63 months in jail as a result of his alleged crimes – but we suspect that’ll be the least of his worries now that his ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway has started running around blurting out secrets about their split.

That’s not exactly a surprise given that reports have suggested Anne Hathaway may have been tipped off about the arrest beforehand, allowing her to quickly chuck Rafaello Follieri by phone, wash her hands of it all and walk out unscathed. But to do it now, on Follieri’s big day in court, just seems berserk.

Nevertheless, that’s what she’s done, to W magazine. So Anne Hathaway, we’re ready. Discuss your split from Rafaello Follieri, and if you could possibly use as many physically impossible conceits about decorative floor coverings, that’d be great too:

“As soon as I found out about the arrest, I had to get on a plane to Mexico to do a press tour for ‘Get Smart,’ And then I spent a week in shock at a friend’s house. It’s a situation where the rug was pulled out from under me all of a sudden. But just as suddenly, my friends threw another rug back under me. One said, ‘Go stay at my house.’”

Yeah, that’s all very well and everything Anne Hathaway, but have you ever tried to throw a rug under someone? It’s bloody impossible. Their feet keep getting in the way. Sure, it’s easier if you simultaneously jump as they’re throwing the rug, but then it wouldn’t be as sudden and unexpected as you’re making out, would it? Maybe if it was a very thin rug and you were standing on a virtually frictionless surface and they used enough force…

Wait a minute here. We see what you’re doing Anne Hathaway – you’re lobbing all these mentions of rug aerobics around to distract us from the real issue here, aren’t you? You’re hoping that we’ll end up so busy trying to draw theoretical diagrams of how your friend managed to throw a rug underneath you that we’ll forget to ask you about exactly how much you knew about Rafaello Follieri’s shenanigans before his arrest, aren’t you? Well congratulations Anne Hathaway. Your plan worked.

Also, we’re not really that arsed one way or the other. That probably helped as well, to be fair.

She had millions of them – that it was the first time she'd bought crack, that she didn't even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We've been eagerly anticipating Tatum O'Neal's next excuse for weeks – would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her 'quack'? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn't wait.

And now we're sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O'Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That's OK for Tatum O'Neal we suppose, but why won't anyone think of us here? Where's our fun?

The E! network needs to stop pissing about with these halfhearted reality TV shows about the Lohans and get a camera crew down to the O'Neals' place as fast as possible. They sound like dynamite entertainment.

Would you watch a reality TV show about Lindsay Lohan's mother banging on about her youngest daughter's non-existent music career? No you wouldn't. But would you watch a reality TV show about a family who attack each other with guns and pokers because they keep tying each other to banisters like dogs? Of course you would. That'd be all you ever watched.

And,needless to say, the star of the show would be Tatum O'Neal. Why? Because she used to be married to John McEnroe until they divorced and her ginormous drug habit meant that she lost custody of her kids, for starters. But also because she can improvise like the best of them.

Last month, for example, Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack in a police sting operation. But, as quick as you like, Tatum O'Neal said that her dog died and that it reminded her of when her mother died from drug addiction and the depression from that made her want to take drugs again after a long period of abstinence and the police arrested her before she could get addicted again and, gosh, she was buying drugs? She really had no idea.

It was a virtuoso performance, but it was short-lived. Tatum O'Neal's conscience has finally kicked in and she's pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court. Still, that hasn't stopped the judge from absolutely throwing the book at her, as BBC News reports:

The Manhattan judge told the star her case would be dismissed providing she attends a drug treatment clinic. The actress will return to court on 4 September to prove that she has attended two half-day sessions.

Did we say book? We meant pamphlet. The judge threw the pamphlet at her. And 'threw' seems a bit strong, too. Let's just say that the judge passed Tatum O'Neal a pamphlet and be done with it, OK?

Still, we've always said that if anything can stop a recovering addict's constant longing for drugs, it's two half-day sessions at a drug treatment clinic. Somebody should probably tell Amy Winehouse.

Anyway, now that she's firmly on the straight and narrow once again, Tatum O'Neal can refocus on slowly rebuilding her place in the Hollywood elite. A few months of hard work and, who knows, perhaps she'll even reach the giddy heights of her one-off 2004 cameo appearance in a single episode of the soon-cancelled US sitcom 8 Simple Rules again. We can but dream.

Lee Ryan was yesterday found guilty of punching taxi driver Naeem Ibrahim in the head. In a rare show of kindness, we empathise with our bruv.

Taxi drivers aren’t the best people in the world; they have their own highway code and ignore everyone else. But lamping one is a slightly wrong. At best, tip some garlic mayo from your kebab on the seat and run off after paying your fare. That’s what we’d do. We’re not the violent types. All our arguments are settled over a game of chess and glass of port.   

Sadly the judge didn’t listen to Lee’s pleas and fined him £500 after a spot of road rage turned into fisticuffs. To us, the working class scumbag, £500 may be a bit hefty. But as Lee nicely mentioned in one of his dyslexic rants to us, he has "more more money then [we] can imagine”. The judge said: 

“I do regard this a situation where you over-reacted to a position you were put in. Although this was in essence an attack upon a vulnerable person that serves the public, I do take into account the injury was minor and appears to have come about as a result of what you did rather than the actual assault itself.” 

The elephant man said: 

"I get a lot of people wanting to fight me but I am not like that. But the judge has made his decision and there's not a lot I can do about that."

Never mind, at least our Lee hasn’t had to go off to prison to spend time with Big Fred and One Legged Dave. The experience may have toughened him up and produced a more 'real', urban, street sound. We guess he’ll continue to knock out the ballads. 

At this point, we’d say Lee could go back to his mansion and cook up a gourmet dinner, except he got booted off Hell's Kitchen that time. So he’s probably looking on MySpace at more naked pictures of his fans and picking out which ones to impregnate.

Lee, we still accept your offer of an interview. We’ll give you your chance to say what really happened. Think of us as Martin Bashir and you as Princess Diana or Michael Jackson – depending on your preference.

Well, logic and common sense dictates that it might be wise to quietly accept your punishment while simultaneously attempting to stem the white hot temper that flares up like clockwork every few months and makes you look like a prize dicksplat in front of the entire world.

Or, if you're Naomi Campbell, you find the nearest camera crew and start blathering on furiously about how you only got angry because someone on the plane called you a 'golliwog supermodel' even though you didn't actually mention anything about that during the trial. Deep down, they're both the same.

Anyone who's ever been on a plane has wanted to lash out at some point or another, whether it's at the sleeping lady who's drooling on your shoulder or the morbidly obese chap in front of you who's decided to recline his seat straight onto your knees without asking first. And, hey, who hasn't wanted to flush a crying baby down an aeroplane toilet simply because it was spoiling your enjoyment of National Treasure 2? That's all perfectly normal human behaviour.

But when you kick and spit at police officers because some of your luggage has gone missing, well that's just utterly unacceptable. Even Naomi Campbell knows that – which is good, because admittedly she does tend to do it more than most.

Last week Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to assaulting police officers after her weird little kicky tantrum on a plane in April. At the time most people wrote the outburst off as just another one of Naomi Campbell's awkward argumentative flare-ups – after all, you can count the number of people who Naomi Campbell hasn't beaten up on the fingers of the hand that Naomi Campbell slammed in a car door because she caught you looking at her without asking – but now there's been a dramatic new revelation. Well, dramatic or made up – it's quite hard to tell.

Apparently Naomi Campbell only spazzed out so badly because someone on the plane used a weirdly outdated racial slur towards her. Apparently. The Telegraph reports:

Campbell, who kicked and spat at police when they tried to remove her from a flight bound for Los Angeles, told Sky News: "I was called a racial name on that flight and that was part of my reaction. I was called a 'golliwog supermodel' – I don't think that's really fair, do you?" The airline has denied the claim. "British Airways does not accept any allegations of racism," it said in a statement. "We are proud of our diversity."

Oddly enough, Naomi Campbell didn't think to mention this alleged racial incident at any point during her criminal trial, only deciding to tell Sky News about it after she'd pleaded guilty to her charges. Which is strange, given that it seems like quite an important part of the story. It almost seems as if Naomi Campbell just made it up to try and make herself look less of a deranged batshit mentalist than she actually is.

We wouldn't dream of suggesting that, though – not because we respect the validity of Naomi Campbell's claims or anything, but because we're terrified that Naomi Campbell will come round our house one night and smash our faces in with a candelabra or set fire to our dog or something. Not our faces, Naomi. Not our beautiful faces.

Fielder Civil, 26, has admitted on June 20, 2006, he did indeed assault James King.

Obviously, it isn’t the James King who does those movie reviews for Radio 1 that we’re referring to as, in the eyes of any judge, assaulting him would be no crime at all.

The James King we speak of is the landlord of Macbeth’s pub in London, and Fielder-Civil has also pleaded guilty to conspiring to pervert the cause of justice by offering James King money in return for him dropping the allegations as well as leaving the country.

This will no doubt be great news for Amy Winehouse who, it is has been alleged, wants her husband – who she promised to stand by till death does ‘em part – to remain in jail for as long as he can.

Fielder-Civil will be sentenced next month, after the trial of his co-defendants is expected to finish.

According to UK sentencing guidelines, Blake can expect to spend about three years in jail for the GBH offence, as well as fined and/or more time in jail for the justice perverting. He was arrested seven months ago to the day, back in 9th November 2007, but was denied bail and remains on remand. Any sentencing will take this in to consideration.

Amy Winehouse didn’t bother turning up to Snaresbrook Crown Court to see Blake plead guilty. A ‘family friend’ told People:

She is obsessional about him. She does the same thing about visiting him in prison. She means to go and then she has a bad night and turns up late and they don’t let her in. They don’t mess around there [at London's Pentonville Prison].

Quite often when you are told the quote is from a ‘source’ or ‘family friend’ you’d do well to be quite cynical regarding the truthfulness of it, but the use of the word ‘obsessional’ here confirms beyond any doubt that this is a friend of Amy Winehouse.

The friend went on to explain how Amy is handling the news:

This isn’t Amy’s biggest problem. She’s a smart girl and she’s such a great talent and she’s strong. Nobody can help her at this point until she decides to help herself.

And, once again, no friend of Blake has spoken up to defend him. But all that matters is that Amy is definitely alright.

Phew.

By which we mean that Steve-O is smart enough to plead guilty to cocaine possession after he filmed himself smashing up his neighbour’s house on drugs and then blogged extensively about his battle to the same drugs.

As a result of his guilty plea, it’s been announced that Steve-O’s only punishment for his March drug bust will be the rehab stint that he’s already partially through. And now that he’s clean, Steve-O knows that next time he staples his nuts to his leg it’ll be out of genuine mental dysfunction or self-loathing rather than drug addiction. Three cheers!

You know, we’re still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that Steve-O, the Jackass star famous for putting leeches on his eyeball, swimming in sewage and ramming fireworks up his bum, may have issues with drugs. Apparently the signs were there, but you have to admit he kept them well-hidden.

However, any problems that Steve-O may have had with drugs are firmly in the past now. And Steve-O isn’t one of those pussies who run away to rehab at the first sign of trouble – no, Steve-O decided to kick drugs by appearing in public in an increasingly inebriated state, then getting arrested for trashing his neighbour’s apartment while wankered on drugs with shitloads of cocaine on him, then getting admitted into a mental hospital and then going to rehab. That’s the man’s way.

And it’s Steve-O’s dedication to trying to kick his drug habit that’s spared him from serious punishment in court. E! Online reports:

To hear him tell it, Steve-O’s days of jackassery are behind him and he’s ready for a clean—and sober—slate. The thrill-seeking former MTV star entered a guilty plea today in Los Angeles to a cocaine-possession charge, announcing to the court that he “found God” and has been sober for 85 days. Attorney Barry Gerald Sands tells E! News that because of his client’s commitment and time in rehab, judgment was deferred upon successful completion of his treatment program.

What? Steve-O has found God? What was God doing in rehab? That’s not very encouraging.

But it is timely – tying your penis to a firework and deliberately giving your own mouth papercuts probably isn’t as much fun when you’re not spazzed off your munch on drugs, so it’s just as well that Steve-O has found religion. At worst he’ll be a super christian ambassador for troubled youngsters, and at best Jackass 3 is going to have a wicked awesome crucifixion stunt in it.

That’s assuming that Steve-O joins the clergy, of course – the world is full of suitable positions for mentally-ill drug addicts who polevault into human shit for a living. Ah, no, wait – he’s already done Celebrity Love Island, hasn’t he? Clergy it is, then.

In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.

But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?

It’s a sad day, really. It seems as though Foxy Brown is no longer the super-violent maniac she used to be. A while a go we’d be lucky to go a couple of days without hearing about how Foxy Brown had gone around kicking nail salon workers or starting a one-woman riot in a beauty supply store, but that’s all changed now.

Foxy Brown is now – gulp – pleading guilty to things she obviously did. It’s weird. It’s freaked us out a little.

Last year Foxy Brown got arrested for punching a woman in the face with a mobile phone, an incident which left the victim with a chipped tooth and a black eye. At the time Foxy Brown pleaded not guilty to the attack and things were left there, primarily because Foxy Brown was already in jail for being the world’s angriest woman.

However, her time in jail has made Foxy Brown see the light. Now that she’s free, Foxy was called into court again yesterday over the Blackberry incident and – rather than repeatedly change her story or fake a pregnancy to hope it’d keep her out of trouble as she’s done in the past – Foxy Brown was quick to plead guilty and apologise for being a bit mental. BBC News reports:

Appearing in a New York court, the 28-year-old admitted hitting Arlene Raymond during an argument over the volume of her car stereo last July. Brooklyn Supreme Court Judge John Walsh sentenced Marchand to time already served, issued an order of protection and ordered her to submit a letter of apology. In a hand-written note, the star said: “I apologize for the incident that occurred on 31 July 2007, in that I attempted to scare Arlene Raymond and place her in harm’s way.”

And immediately after admitting her crime, Foxy Brown left court and walked into the sunset to a chorus of chirping cartoon bluebirds and adorable baby deers dancing a happy little jig. For this, readers, is what happens when you’re so shit-scared of spending seven more years in jail that you’d admit to bloody anything.

It’s always a Blackberry, though, isn’t it? If a phone’s been used to smash someone in the face it’s always a Blackberry. God knows why – if Foxy Brown’s Blackberry is anything like ours, then she’d have kept pressing the stupid massive voice dialling button on the side by accident and the attack would have been punctuated by a stupid detached woman’s voice going “Say a command” again and again all the sodding time. Blackberries are stupid. No wonder Foxy Brown’s so angry all the time.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this – someone send us an iPhone.

Read more:

Foxy Brown guilty of phone charge - BBC News

That was the decision reached by the jury in a New York court yesterday, anyway, where Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and harassing Thurman and immediately jailed pending his sentencing next month.

But who’s the real criminal here? Is it the man who systematically terrorised Uma Thurman by sending her pictures of headless brides and telling her that her children don’t actually exist, or is it society?

What? The first one? Yeah, that probably makes sense, actually.

Look at Uma Thurman. Look at her. There’s just something about her, isn’t there. Something that draws you in. Something that tells you that Uma is predestined to fall in love with you until the end of time. Something that says “Hey boys, you want some of this? Then send me a relentless stream of terrifying doodles and messages that will firmly convince me of your desperate mental instability.”

We’re joking, of course – as normally-functioning human beings, the only thing that Uma Thurman says to us is “Don’t go and see any of my films, none of them are very good” – but that doesn’t apply to Jack Jordan, a man who loves Uma Thurman more than any man really has the right to.

During last week’s stalky court case, we heard how Jack Jordan had threatened to kill himself if he couldn’t be with Uma Thurman, and that he sent Uma just about the creepiest stuff imaginable. True, his lawyer said that Jack Jordan was just a hopeless romantic who couldn’t tell the difference between a bunch of flowers and a stick figure drawing of himself falling off a giant Acme razor blade into an open grave while Uma Thurman, wearing a wedding dress, stood next to him and said “tee hee,” but that didn’t work.

Yesterday Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and one count of aggravated harassment and now faces up to a year in jail, as the Associated Press reports:

“I’ve learned some disturbing things about this defendant during this case,” said state Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro. “I am going to remand him for a psychiatric exam.” Defense lawyer George Vomvolakis said Jordan was disappointed with the verdict and that he will soon decide whether to appeal. He requested protective custody for Jordan, saying he faces “specific threats because he’s a stalker.”

Exactly! Where are the stalkers’ rights here? As a convicted stalker, Jack Jordan should have access to a few basic necessities in jail, like an endless supply of Uma Thurman posters for him to lick day and night and a small brush allowing him to daub globs of his own semen across any letters he chooses to write to Uma over the next 12 months.

Anyway, let’s forget about Jack Jordan and concentrate on what a relief his incarceration must be to Uma Thurman. Not only is he guaranteed to be out of her way for up to a year but, now that she’s effectively put him in prison, Uma Thurman doesn’t need to worry about Jack Jordan being in love with her any more.

True, it means he’ll probably bombard her with death threats, bunches of dead flowers and horrifically-melted Barbie doll heads, but he definitely won’t love her any more.

Read more:

Jury in New York City convicts fan of stalking Uma Thurman - AP

But, hey, threatening a man with prison for being a terrible father tends to make people snap to attention. Which is why Richie Sambora has pleaded guilty to DUI after police arrested him for swerving about the highway like a pissed-up ninny.

And, thanks to the magic of the plea deal, Richie Sambora’s sudden bout of guilt means that he’s got away with three years probation instead of a jail sentence. It’s a win-win for all involved – lessons have been learned, the crowded prison system gets one inmate less to deal with and Richie Sambora’s daughter gets three solid years of ostentatious presents from her father as he attempts to buy back her love after he drove around with her while drunk. Heartwarming.

It’s no wonder that Richie Sambora has alcohol issues – if we had to listen to Bad Medicine night after night we’d have turned to the bottle long ago too, and he has to actually play the bloody thing – but there’s a comes a time in every man’s life when they stop being the kind of fun drunk who’ll wake up on the kitchen floor and can’t remember why they’re dressed as an Iranian prostitute and become the sort of drunk who’ll drive around hammered with their 10-year-old daughter in the passenger seat.

And for Richie Sambora, that time came last month. Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI on the Pacific Coast Highway after police noticed his Hummer swerving from lane to lane. That’s bad enough as it is, but throw in the fact that Richie Sambora’s daughter and another girl were passengers in the car and ‘bad’ instantly becomes ‘vastly mornic’.

As a result of the arrest. prosecutors wanted to haul Richie Sambora up on a child endangerment charge. However, thanks to insufficient evidence, they just had to make do with plain old DUI – something that Richie Sambora’s only too happy to admit. And now Sambora’s been sentenced for it, as BBC News reports:

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has been sentenced to three years’ probation after admitting to driving under the influence of alcohol. The 48-year-old pleaded no contest, prompting the judge in Santa Ana, California to drop a second charge. Sambora, who was not at the court hearing, will also have to attend first offender alcohol awareness classes… Sambora is forbidden from having any measurable quantity of alcohol in his system while driving as a condition of his probation.

So Richie Sambora, who just admitted to driving while drunk, can’t drive drunk any more? What a novel punishment. Still, at least it’s only for three years, after which we can presume that Richie Sambora is free to get shitfaced on whatever he likes right before he goes for a pootle.

However, Richie Sambora’s real punishment will be having to live with the fact that he drove drunk with his daughter in the car – one of the stupidest things a parent can do. That’s penalty enough for any man.

Plus, now Richie Sambora has avoided jail, which is good because it means that Bon Jovi are free to tour the world and record new albums and… hang on a minute, that isn’t good at all. That’s literally the worst outcome possible. Arse.

Read more:

Drink-drive sentence for Sambora - BBC

And part of being a man involves admitting when you do wrong. Which is handy, because another part of being a man involves getting shitfaced on booze and driving around until the police arrest you, which counts as doing wrong.

And Barron Hilton has now done both of these things – he may have been arrested for DUI, but he’s also big enough to plead guilty to it. And now that Barron Hilton has joined the man club, he’s allowed to do all kinds of other man things, like grow a moustache and beat up women. Yay!

Barron Hilton has forever been in his sister Paris Hilton’s shadow. He hasn’t been in as many movies as she has, hasn’t released as many albums as she has and, to our knowledge, hasn’t sucked off a bloke on the internet nearly as much as she has.

But, hey, when it comes to massively irresponsibly drunk driving arrests, Barron Hilton and Paris Hilton and neck and freaking neck. But while Paris Hilton’s DUI arrest ended up with the most hopelessly mismanaged jail sentence in living memory, Barron’s has ended up much more happily. So long as you define staring at the dead as happy, that is.

You see, after Barron Hilton was arrested for DUI and subsequently charged with DUI and possession of a fake license, he decided that he’d take the moral high ground and plead no contest to what breath and blood tests would have conclusively proved anyway. And therefore, as E! Online reports, he pleaded guilty and got off easy:

Hilton was not in court, leaving his attorney, Richard Hutton, to enter the plea to driving under the influence with a blood-alcohol level above the 0.08 percent legal limit and unlawful possession of a false license. To atone for the driving sins, Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner H. Jay Ford sentenced Hilton to three years’ probation, fined him $2,000, suspended his license for one year and ordered him to log time at the L.A. County morgue.

Ah, the old trip to the morgue trick. It’s a classy move by the judge, because only the morgue will teach Barron Hilton that drink driving accidents don’t kill nearly as many people as heart disease or cancer or strokes. But, despite this, the visits should still have the desired effect on Barron Hilton – the inability to sleep due to fear that dead people will start clawing at his feet in bed the second he closes his eyes.

Or maybe it won’t – after all, the sight of withered, lifeless, foul-smelling bodies isn’t anything Barron Hilton hasn’t experienced before. His sister did used to hang out with Nicole Richie a lot, remember.

Read more:

Hilton Bro Mans Up, Cops to DUI – E! Online

In more modern times, the rock stars of today aren’t as wild as their counterparts. The most compelling things our heroes do is throw a TV out of a hotel window. Though they later pay for any damage and, through teary eyes, plead to Travel lodge not to give them get a lifetime ban. Now, however, it seems that someone wants to go one weaker in the rock and roll stakes. Chad Kroeger – the husky singer from weak Canadian act Nickelback – has been in trouble with the law. Firstly for drink driving back in June 2007 and now for not showing up to his court hearing. We bow down to this man's antics.

Annoyingly, Chad and his bunch of Nickelback merry men have been plaguing the charts for an alarming amount of time. Just like an STD, their single Rockstar refuses to go away. Every time we switch on the radio, Chad’s raspy vocals tell us how great it would be to own a new house so can ponce around on cribs. Probably to show off his 47-bedroom house complete with prostitutes in every room. 

For a world famous band, they don’t often get much press about their rock and roll antics. Well that is until now.

Back in June 2007, Chad was arrested for driving drunk in a car, the stupid twat. Despite this happening late last year, the case has just arrived in court. This makes us wonder how slow the Canadian courts are if it takes this long to get something this minor to court. We’d hate to guess how long it would take if for example, Chad went off and butchered a group of nuns to death. Anyway, long story short, Kroeger's guilty. As NME.com reports: 

“The singer was not present in court for the news; with his lawyer Marvin Stern saying he was in Europe "recording or producing music. Stern also said his client is "concerned about the ramifications of a criminal conviction.” 

Sadly, it looks as if Chad Kroeger will have to take the punishment for this himself. We'd suggest that he should hire a body double to take the flak for him, but nobody melts the uglyometer as much as Kroeger does. No matter, his punishment will hardly scare him to his wit's end. 

When he returns on May 1 for sentencing, Chad may face a $600 fine and could be banned from driving for up to a year. Alternatively, for the good of us all, he could be locked up in a concrete cell where he can't inflict any more rubbish piss poor rock anthems on us.  

Read more: 

Nickelback Singer Guilty Of Drunk Driving – NME