It’s difficult to think of awards to give for the dumbest gaming stories to come out of the news in a week, seeing as there are so damn many.

While we think we managed to get through a week without any stories on how gaming is going to destroy us all, there are still the obvious little snippets here and there that pop out and make you sigh/laugh like a particularly twattish hyena.
The first prize, and easiest to award, goes to a father and son combo who found themselves a nice stash of ecstasy pills in a used copy of Grand Theft Auto IV. While some may just see that as fitting – or a particularly controversial promotional stunt by Rockstar – it actually made for an unhappy time.

Probably should have popped a few, just to keep their spirits up.

Obviously the You Win All Award goes to these two if on account of the incredible picture we are immediately greeted with. Sure, it’s unfair to judge a single photo – they may well be learned members of the intelligentsia, for all we know – but friends with a camera they are not.

Crass judgements aside, what happened in this particular tale?

Ah. Ignore the accusation they may be erudite members of society.

Buying a used copy of GTAIV and finding ecstasy tablets inside it isn’t a stupid move, obviously. In fact, it verges on a bit shocking for sheer “eh?!” factor. The problem, however, comes from daddy’s reaction:

“What made me feel the most distraught was the fact we let our 12-year-old play the game.”

A few things spring to mind. One; you let your twelve-year-old play an extremely violent, foul-mouthed and generally unsavoury 18-rated videogame, and two; what on earth does that statement even mean?

What does playing the game have to do with the pills (bar some in-game dealing)? What does it matter that you let your kid play that game when a bag of narcotics – in real life – was stashed in the case? Is this a glaring admission of idiocy – a sort of subtle apology that can only be picked up on by those willing to dissect the very nature of a sentence?

Ah, the public. You have to love them.

Judges, on the other hand, are a form of humanity most rarely – if ever – have contact with. We once met a Crown Court judge in Manchester and immediately wanted him to take over as our new Dad; such was his affable nature and the unquestionable power he wielded.

While we don’t want Judge Greg Mathis to be a new daddy for us, we do both want to see his show and play his upcoming videogame. While not a stupid story per se, it does throw itself at the mercy of a baying hecklerspray just because it allows/forces players to be bumraped.

You thought it was bad that Marcus Fenix swears a bit? That House of the Dead: Overkill has the largest concentration of ‘fucks’ anywhere ever? That George Stobbart is a bit of a ponce?

Well forget all of that – it’s just been blown out of the water by a massive helping of anal rape.

We say good on you, Judge. Can’t wait to play the finished product, and hope it’ll include numerous QTEs or some good old-fashioned joystick-waggling.

THIS WEEK: Aside from a few perfunctory Steam-grabs (as they’re now called), the boredom of Easter also pushed us ever-closer to the welcoming, warm arms of a free trial on both World of Warcraft and EVE Online. This, dear readers, is a very bad sign indeed.

We also thought “hey, why not check out this wonderful human being’s crap that he gone done over on this here site to try and earn some money to live off?”

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It went on sale at 12.01 AM in most supermarkets, some games retailers and no doubt a few geezers doing the mark-up thing on street corners. Did you get your copy of Grand Theft Auto IV today?

If you didn’t and you didn’t pre-order then, well, tough. Finding a copy now will be like finding a pair of jeans that actually fit properly: not impossible, just flipping difficult.

41 UK shops were understood to have opened their doors at midnight to welcome the obsessed and the wired as they queued up in the cold, gingerly working their way towards the counter only to be told that the guy in front has just bought the last copy. Still if he/she was small enough you could always have mugged them and run off into the night. Someone will have done, you mark our words.

The critics have been collectively wetting themselves over the free-roaming, violent epicness of GTA IV. With good reason – it’s great. We have a copy at home and another just sitting in its cellophane fading by the sun. If anyone wants to offer us a good price (say, a steady supply of body parts that fetch top whack in China) then we are open to offers.

Grand Theft Auto IV is predicted to thrash the staggering first week sales of sci-fi shooter Halo 3 last year. That’ll be at least $300 million then; that is a computer game grossing more cash than most big budget movies. How times have changed since Manic Miner and Double Dragon. If you have never heard of either of those we are going to kill ourselves.

So, with GTA IV expected to shift six million copies on Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 in its first week alone, this is undeniably maker Rockstar‘s biggest hit to date.

Controversial or not, we have never found bashing people in the face and stealing cars more fun. Heck, sometimes we even play video games too.

Read More:

Grand Theft Auto receives acclaim – BBC News