For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that “there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn’t one of them,” while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to “cuddling up to a piece of gristle.”

No, listen, that isn’t divorce nastiness, that’s basic fact. They’re both right – Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he’d been completely honest and said “a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time.”

What with the current fascination for remaking every film ever made, it’s only a matter of time before someone gets around to having a bash at In Bed With Madonna. And casting the lead wouldn’t be an especially large problem, because you’d only have to go and find a bucket of animal cartilage and pour it into something inappropriate you just bought from Topshop. Bingo, there’s your Madonna.

That’s provided that Guy Ritchie was directing the remake of In Bed With Madonna, anyway, because that’s apparently what he thinks that being in bed with Madonna is really like. But let’s not dwell on that thought for too long, because a Guy Ritchie remake of In Bed With Madonna would almost certainly star Jason Statham as Sandra Bernhard, and the sight of Vinnie Jones in a codpiece would be a disgusting inevitability.

But anyway, in a nutshell that’s roughly where the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is right now. We’ve had the coy divorce confirmation and the quiet hiring of megalawyers, and now it’s the part where both Madonna and Guy Ritchie get to hurl insults at each other via ‘friends’ who just happen to blab it all to the newspapers anyway. The fun part, in short.

And that’s why we all know that Guy Ritchie has singled out Madonna’s brutal exercise regime as the reason why their marriage snuffed it. The Daily Mail reports:

Her insistence on sticking to a gruelling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair’s seven-and-a-half year marriage. The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love. When they did find time to make love, it was like ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle’, Ritchie is said to have told friends.

Really? He’s going with exercise? Wow. Personally we’d have picked the way that Madonna is possibly having it off with another man as the root cause for the divorce. Well, either that or the tooth-gap. Or the way that going out with Madonna is like hanging around with a teenage girl with chronic Lipodystrophy. But not exercise, for God’s sake. That’s just weird.

So, anyway, we think this means that it’s Madonna’s turn to hit back. She’s already alluded to Guy Ritchie being an ‘emotional retard’, which is hardly news to anyone who’s seen Swept Away, so she can only do better. Personally we’re hoping that she starts to pick on Guy’s stupid son Rocco, but that’s just us.