You do? Well then, we’ve got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you’re an infuriating bellsack.

Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly – the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don’t actually exist. Brokenhearted, they’ll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that’s what we hope, anyway.

Now that JK Rowling has stopped writing Harry Potter books to pursue a full-time career of throwing handfuls of money in the air and jigging about gleefully as it rains back down over her head, teenagers have been in dire need of a new slightly patronising fantasy movie about people just like them. Well, like them except prettier, cleverer and less like to spend 45 minutes each morning squeezing giant hunks of rancid pus out of their foreheads every morning.

Anyway, in Twilight that’s exactly what they got. For the uninitiated, here are three fun Twilight facts:

1 - Twilight is about a girl who meets a sexy boy vampire who wants to have it off with her, or bite her, or something, but he won’t because he’s essentially a fantasy figure for regret-filled menopausal women. Also, teenage girls like him because he’s got nice hair.

2 - The Christian rock band Paramore feature heavily on the Twilight soundtrack, which instantly renders Twilight unwatchable because Paramore are objectively the worst band in history.

3 - Twilight is a box office sensation.

And, thanks to number three, and possibly the bit in number one about the vampire’s nice hair, the movie’s producer Summit Entertainment has officially greenlit Twilight 2, as Reuters reports:

The makers of hit film “Twilight” said they have given the go-ahead to produce a new movie based on the second book, “New Moon”, in the popular series of vampire novels by Stephenie Meyer. Meyer said she was “thrilled” to be making another movie. “I don’t think any other author has had a more positive experience with the makers of her movie adaptation than I have had with Summit Entertainment,” she said.

At least that’s what Reuters thought Stephanie Meyers said – she was too busy dancing around her newly-palatial living room in a top hat and shovelling clumps of suckling pig into her mouth to be completely coherent – but it doesn’t matter. Twilight 2 is happening.

Not that you need to get excited about it yet, because Twilight 2 won’t be released until 2010 and, since it’s a teen-centred movie based around vaguely religious and moral themes, Twilight star Kirsten Stewart is duty-obliged to get knocked up by a stranger and throw the shooting schedule out of whack long before then.

And it doesn’t even matter if Twilight 2 manages to get an even lower score from movie critics than the original, either. The movie is critic-proof. After all, teenage girls like Twilight, and they know quality when they see it. For instance, teenage girls used to love Jason Orange from Take That and, actually, no, Jason Orange had a face like an inflamed verruca. Bad example.

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