The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.

Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.

Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.

Although not a new offering from the Rockstar laboratories of prostitute haters, it is the newest of the franchise to reach the imaginary cyber-shelves of the App Store and has even been tinkered with to make the most of the new technologies that weren’t available back in the day, and which we can’t profess to know anything about. Get off our back, we can name all the Kardashians in order of Evil, can you do that? ‘Sackly, now step off.

Returning to Liberty City a decade after the original release was probably going to raise a few eyebrows and call for cries of nepotism and cashing in, but that’s entirely not the case. Yes, it is the same game essentially, and yes, you do have to pay a premium (for iPad games anyway) for a decade old game, but the people from Rockstar haven’t been resting on their smelly bums waiting for you to fork out your hard money in a nostalgic fervour. They’ve tweaked the graphics to take away the odd blurring issue that the original had and gave it a lovely spruce of paint. As well as the important graphics issue which grated cocks back in 2001, they’ve also added a fancy new camera angle which makes the whole thing just like the original Grand Theft Auto. Essentially it’s only a top down view, but for us who still hark back about how fantastic the original Grand Theft Auto was back then, it is a lovely feature.

As you might expect, the controls issue is always a problem with games on iPad, but Rockstar have done the impossible. They’ve made it actually possible to control a 3D character without careening off a cliff or into an bystander. Obviously in GTA3 those are things that you would want to do eventually anyway, but you don’t want to do it involuntarily. The control panels, on both sides of the screen are full of helpful buttons like ‘Walk’, ‘Open Car Door’, ‘Shoot Bitch In Face With Gun’ *paraphrasing* but they aren’t cumbersome or unsightly. They fade in and out when they are in use, and don’t take up space on the playing screen. This might be a problem on the iPhone because of it’s smaller screen, but there was no trouble on the iPad version.

Unfortunately there’s no multiplayer aspects SO FAR, but that’s not to say that there isn’t going to be one in an upcoming update. There’s nothing quite running your girlfriend or boyfriend off the road in their car, only to see it explode into a ball of flames as you burn off to start a new life in a new part of town. It would be nice to see in Grand Theft Auto as well, fnanananaa.

For the remarkable price of ONLY £2.99, the only thing holding you back is if Alexandra Burke herself was selling the fucker on QVC. It’s literally begging for you to play it. And seeing as it’s the season of goodwill to all men, and non-celebrity women, this is either going to get you through some really shit Christmas television, or it’s going to be a great present. Not for us mind, we don’t want anything that you’ve even looked at. We know where you’re eyes have been.

Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.

And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.

But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.

Although it might seem that everyone and their step-children are talking about Grand Theft Auto 5, and theorising over the most minute specks of information, gleaned from a rather short, nondescript trailer. Much like those insufferable Potterphiles. Or the unemployed obese who managed to stick with Lost beyond Season Two.

GTA3 is still, and will be, a valiant attempt at making sure kids know the best angle to hold a gun at when you’re doing a drive by. Between rioting, of course.

The gameplay is reportedly the same as the release ten whole years ago, that’s a decade in old money, but from sneaky videos made when Rockstar debuted the game at this year’s Comic-Con, you can see the graphics have been up-tweaked slightly. Think of it like the group performances on X Factor; everything has been modified slightly. For the better.

There’s no release date set but that’s what makes it interesting. Some people think that it is imminent, whereas some think that it’ll be out for the holidays, cynically. There also isn’t a definite pricing structure established, so could try harder Rockstar, C+.

One thing that we think might cause us to propel our iPads across the room, like a very expensive frisbee, is the potential fiddly-diddly controls. iOS developers have always struggled to find the best way of placing buttons so you don’t find yourself walking into the area covered by your thumbs as you chase prostitutes, or that guy who looked at you funny.

So although there’s not much concrete information for us to give you, we’ll probably keep you updated with new developments. And if we don’t, console yourself with the thought that we’ve probably just found something better to do. Like watch a particularly gripping episode of ‘Doctors’ or setting half an hour aside for a good poo.

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Ever since the release of Grand Theft Auto 3 people have been asking when the multi-million selling Rockstar North title will head to London.

However, there would be a lot of problems with London being the backdrop for one of the most expansive and controversial games of all time. And, yes, we know the original Grand Theft Auto had a London 1969 mission pack – but we’re talking new, not top-down GTA and modern-day London.

Here are hecklerspray’s top 10 reasons why GTA London would never work:

10 – Rockstar North

Rockstar North is a Scottish company. This is the same country that sells ‘Anyone But England’ T-shirts. Are they really going to set their top selling title in an English city? No.

9 – Boris Johnson

The new-style GTA games all feature a political figure of some sort. Imagine having to listen to this floppy haired buffoon as he tells you to, “ruddy well sort out that ruffian!”

8 – The Daily Mail

Could you imagine what the Mail would have to say about a GTA London game? My guess is ‘New Liberal Game Results In Immigrant Teen Pregnancies’.

7 – Transportation
Public transportation has always been a way of travelling across the game map in a short space of time. GTA London would have to feature engineering works and make you top up your oyster card every time you wanted to travel. Plus at some point you’d be expected to drive one of the godforsaken bendy buses.

6 – The Congestion Charge

Every mission costs you £20 and if you forget to pay it your wanted level goes up at the end of the day, without any warning.

5 – Cyclists

They’ll be even more annoying than they are in real life, if that is even possible. Every turn you make will result in the death of a cyclist, causing your wanted level to go up.

4 – Traffic Calming Measures

Speed cameras, speed bumps and traffic jams – three things London is renowned for. Would it even be worth stealing a car in Grand Theft Auto if you couldn’t actually go 10 yards without hitting a traffic jam, snapping the suspension or being gatso’d?

3 – Weapons

In order to accurately reflect London life GTA London would have to feature a distinctive range of knives: lock knives, butterfly knives, samurai swords etc. Guns would obviously only be available in Hackney.

2 – The Police

They don’t have guns. What are they going to do when they come to arrest you? How do you know whether or not they’re an actual police officer or one of those PCSO things that can’t actually do anything?

1 – Londoners

Crime wouldn’t even register on a Londoner’s radar unless they were the victims, or they read the Daily Mail and are now afraid to go outside. Your character will be shoved, abused and hunted by marauding teenagers wielding baseball bats when the sun goes down while everyone just walks past with their heads buried in a copy of the Evening Standard. The game would play more like a survival horror than a sandbox game.

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Slightly obese humourist Ricky Gervais has landed a role in the new GTA game, due for release on April 29.

The man responsible for some of the decade’s greatest television has teamed up with the creators of the decade’s greatest computer game, in what has been described by one man as ‘a slightly interesting event – I’ll probably have a look’.

Ricky will appear as himself, performing three minutes of new material, as well as some jokes from his recent Fame tour, in the Liberty City Comedy Club.

Make no mistake about it, that’s a tough crowd – one poorly-timed dance routine and Ricky could soon find himself on the receiving end of the old ‘rocket up the arse’ heckle.

And once they reveal the ‘get all weapons’ cheat, well, it’s gonna be some kind of therapy-heaven for all those lost-souls that didn’t quite get The Office.

You know who you are – the ones of you who say Two Pints Of Lager is a brilliant sitcom (they really exist, you know) and who ask questions like ‘who’s better; Sasha Baron-Cohen or Avid Merrion?’

To these imbeciles we say: why not watch this instead? It’s far more up your street.

Ricky said:

“It’s a first – which always interests me. It’s seriously a big deal, though. Games have outsold Hollywood for the past few years, so it’s nice to be a small part of that. It was shot in New York, and I got to wear a tight lycra suit as part of the digital process. That wasn’t so good.”

Gervais also told Shortlist magazine that he appears elsewhere in the game too, but refused to say where.

The refreshing human being is currently directing his first film, about a world where there is no human gene for lying, as well as keeping us up to date with his attempts to get a certain fucking orange-headed friend out of podcast retirement.

Read it here.

Read More – Grand Theft Auto IV Stars Ricky Gervais – Telegraph

Eminem's been awfully quiet lately – so quiet that he hasn't even guff-headedly tried to get remarried to his ex-ex-ex-wife in the last couple of months.

But maybe that's because Eminem was quietly hatching a plan to get his name back up in lights again. Maybe Eminem was preparing to take the lead in a brand new movie based on Grand Theft Auto.

No. No he wasn't. According to GTA producers Rockstar, Eminem was never going to star in a Grand Theft Auto movie, because a Grand Theft Auto movie was never going to be made. Good thing too – we always had Eminem down as more of an Irritating Stick kinda guy anyway.

A few years ago, Eminem had the world at his feet. He'd managed to achieve the impossible and become a credible white rapper, he'd punished all those who'd ever held him back in the past by making Dido famous and there was talk of him winning an Oscar for 8 Mile even though he was so transparently playing himself that we're surprised that the movie didn't end with him remarrying and divorcing the same woman 16 times in a row. 

Since then, though, Eminem hasn't contributed anything to the world of cinema. To be fair Eminem hasn't contributed much to anything lately, except perhaps the pneumonia-suffering lardballs statistics, but let's just focus on the world of cinema for now, OK?

Remember that talk of Eminem starring as a modern-day gun-totin' cowboy in that Have Gun Will Travel remake? Didn't happen. But you might have heard that Eminem was getting ready to star in a movie based on the Grand Theft Auto videogame series – that's still definitely on. And when we say 'definitely on' we mean 'not even vaguely going to ever happen, especially if it's got Eminem in it.'

If you haven't guessed, Rockstar has shot down rumours of the Eminem-starring Grand Theft Auto movie. MTV reports:

On Tuesday night, Variety reported that "a deal was virtually in place with one of the six major movie studios" to begin development of a "GTA" movie, possibly starring Eminem. But the deal, according to the report, fell through for unknown reasons. Reached for comment by MTV News, Dan Houser, vice president of creative at Rockstar, said no movie was ever in the works. "Not as far as we are concerned… Some movie producers were trying to put something together to entice us to make a movie, as studios and production teams frequently have done in the past. This proposal was no more interesting than the numerous others we receive. We never entertained proceeding with the project."

It's a shame, really, because Eminem would be perfect for the lead in a Grand Theft Auto movie; running around, shooting people, stealing their cars, climbing up the criminal underworld's career ladder, all set to – if there was any justice and based on Vice City – pop hits of the 1980s. Although, of course, if the Grand Theft Auto movie has Eminem in it, it'd be relocated to Detroit and have a soundtrack of Eminem songs rather than Luther Vandross songs. And it would be about a struggling white rapper instead of a would-be criminal.

Still, now that the Grand Theft Auto movie has been officially denied, Eminem can go back and do what makes him most happy these days – eating relentlessly and catching serious lung diseases.

Read more:

'Grand Theft Auto' Movie, Possibly Starring Eminem, Shot Down By Rockstar Games - MTV