The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.
Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.
Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.
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Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.
And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.
But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.
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Ever since the release of Grand Theft Auto 3 people have been asking when the multi-million selling Rockstar North title will head to London.
However, there would be a lot of problems with London being the backdrop for one of the most expansive and controversial games of all time. And, yes, we know the original Grand Theft Auto had a London 1969 mission pack – but we’re talking new, not top-down GTA and modern-day London.
Here are hecklerspray’s top 10 reasons why GTA London would never work:
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Slightly obese humourist Ricky Gervais has landed a role in the new GTA game, due for release on April 29.
The man responsible for some of the decade’s greatest television has teamed up with the creators of the decade’s greatest computer game, in what has been described by one man as ‘a slightly interesting event – I’ll probably have a look’.
Ricky will appear as himself, performing three minutes of new material, as well as some jokes from his recent Fame tour, in the Liberty City Comedy Club.
Make no mistake about it, that’s a tough crowd – one poorly-timed dance routine and Ricky could soon find himself on the receiving end of the old ‘rocket up the arse’ heckle.
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Eminem's been awfully quiet lately – so quiet that he hasn't even guff-headedly tried to get remarried to his ex-ex-ex-wife in the last couple of months.
But maybe that's because Eminem was quietly hatching a plan to get his name back up in lights again. Maybe Eminem was preparing to take the lead in a brand new movie based on Grand Theft Auto.
No. No he wasn't. According to GTA producers Rockstar, Eminem was never going to star in a Grand Theft Auto movie, because a Grand Theft Auto movie was never going to be made. Good thing too – we always had Eminem down as more of an Irritating Stick kinda guy anyway.
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