We’ve had our run-ins with Muse fans on countless occasions in the past. We were all set to apologise to them this morning… then we found out that Muse are just desperately unlucky with the fans they attract. Every single one of them are absolutely mental.

And the tenuous proof? Well, one of Muse’s biggest fans is Glenn Beck. That means, if you like Muse, you’re a right-wing nutjob.

So Muse fans, feel free to confess that you agree with Beck by saying that you’re “thinking about killing Michael Moore” or that you believe Barack Obama is “a racist” and has a “deep-seated hatred for white people”.

That’s right kids! When Glenn Beck listens to Muse, the words of Matt Bellamy really speak to him. Beck understands that “Muse are English Libertarians” (whatever that means) and really identifies with the message of the group. So when he says things like…

“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.”

…he may well have been inspired by Muse! That’s great isn’t it?

And now, Glenn Beck wants to weep uncontrollably about how great Muse were when they played ‘Uprising’ at the Grammy Awards.

In Beck’s eyes, the song is…

“a call for revolution”

As all Muse fans will agree, Beck has noted that Europeans have had it bad for a long time.

“Europeans have been degraded for a very long time. Really, since the beginning of time. They have had very few glimpses of real freedom.”

So he loved the fact that Muse were rallying against the machinery of the Western World! A world that, in Beck’s sobbing, damp eyes (and therefore, every Muse fan on the planet), is filled with pesky do-gooders bleating on about global warming (something Muse must agree with, what with them flying around in jet planes all the time and putting on stage-shows that are so large that they are actually powered by the tears of polar bears watching their natural habitat melt away beneath their feet, at a rate of one square mile per guitar solo).

And while some of you Muse fans may be tickled at the notion of these two seemingly disparate camps having anything in common, you have to admit, Muse fans, Muse themselves and Glenn Beck all share a fondness for stirring up stories about supposed apocalyptic futures, eh?

Have a listen to Beck wanking-off over the band and blurting everywhere about how much he loves the imagery of Muse’s songs.

Maybe Matt Bellamy is going to call his baby with Kate Hudson ‘Little Glenn’?

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Award ceremonies always guarantee a couple of moments that are repeated at every single show. Hilariously, there’s always the point when losing nominees have to graciously smile and clap, despite wanting to publically declare that the winner is nothing but muck on their shoe. Then when excessive alcohol bingeing kicks in, someone will make a slurred git of themselves.

Music ceremonies also signal the weird collaborations of two artists who normally wouldn’t dream of working together. Think of it in the same way as when making a sandwich. The humble BLT is a safe and classic option. Slipping in something different to improve it probably wouldn’t work, such as barbed wire or a bar of chocolate.

What we’re saying is that musical collaborations can usually be hailed as a spark of genius, or an utter mess. Rumours are circulating that Muse and Lady Gaga plan to combine forces. Uh-oh.

Muse and Lady Gaga are artists at total opposite sides of the musical spectrum. On the left, you Muse who pump out non-adventurous stadium sized rock turds without any hint of stepping outside the safety of the bubble that has strangely made them successful. Watching them play, it seems that the band sometimes can’t be bothered and to be frank, they’re like watching wobbling bags of tramp puke.

On the right, we have Lady Gaga who is one of the most daring and successful artists to come along in years. People might slag her off as an individual who sells based on her shock factor, but seeing she writes her own songs, plays piano and guitar, there isn’t really much difference between her and Muse frontman Matt Bellamy.

Well, there is actually, she appears to actively engage the people around her and entertain at the same time. As per usual, organisers of country & western award ceremony The Grammies have denied the possible collaboration, but Bellamy has spoken of his admiration for Lady Gaga in the past, telling radio station Triple J:

“I love her music. I think she’s an absolutely superb artist and I love the way she dresses. I really like her. I think she’s a great artist!”

Or what he really means. “I think her music is better than ours. I think she is a much better artist than us. I love the way she dresses so much that I got a suit made of carrots. I love her. I think she is much better than Muse because we are woeful.”

On the night of the 53rd Grammy Awards that are due to be broadcast on February 13th, Lady Gaga is due to perform her single “Born This Way.” Due to the typical nature of her stage performances, we assume she’ll sing the song inside a giant womb before breaking out of a rhinstone vagina. Or following the recent trend of female musicians to crossover in to the electronic world, Lady Gaga will do a Britney Spears. Not via the dubstep route, but with a four minute 150bmp treat of ear shattering breakcore with hints of gabber. (Pleeeease).

Whatever the outcome of any performance, we just want Muse frontman Matt Bellamy to actually smile and look like he’s having fun. Most of the time he appears to have the expression of a man who accidentally caught his penis in his zip. Not that he needs it. He spends most of his time wanking with his guitar.

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You know how some people say that the Grammys only exist to cater for a smug, greying establishment?

Well they’re wrong. Last night, the big winner at the Grammys was… oh. Alright, maybe the Grammys do cater for a smug, greying establishment, otherwise Robert Plant and Alison Krauss wouldn’t have won so many awards for their fiddle-di-dee bluegrass album Raising Sand.

But they did, so congratulations to Robert Plant. We don’t know how Robert will celebrate his Grammy win but, from the look of him, we’d assume that it’ll involve a moustachioed circus ringmaster holding a whip and a chair.

Usually the Grammys have something for everyone – no, really, everyone gets an award, there are like a billion categories or something – but that sadly wasn’t the case this year.

Why? Because, while the Grammys had a fleet of now-traditional onstage collaborations – like Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl, Stevie Wonder and the Jonas Brothers and, um, Keith Urban and Boyz II Men – the audience wasn’t able to enjoy the sight of a wobbly-legged young scamp dancing around like Michael Jackson trying to run away from the police after being shot with a tranquiliser dart, because Chris Brown might have hit Rihanna or something and had to cancel his performance.

But just because it was short a couple of mediocre R&B performances, the Grammys weren’t going to give up that easily – not when it had to reward a man who looks like leather lion and a woman whose facial skin is so tight that it might well ping off the back of her skull if she scratches her nose.

That’s right, Robert Plant and Alison Krauss were the biggest winners of last night’s Grammys, picking up awards for Album Of The Year, Record Of The Year, Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals, Best Country Collaboration With Vocals, and Best Contemporary Folk/Americana Album. The last of these is certainly a surprise – Robert Plant is the least American person on Earth thanks to his weird Adrian Chiles speaking voice – but, as AP reports, he isn’t complaining:

While accepting the Grammy for album of the year, the 37-year-old Krauss — perhaps wanting to remind the audience that Plant’s rock star hadn’t entirely matured — said there’s “never a dull moment” with the 60-year-old singer. “I’m bewildered,” said Plant. “In the old days we would have called this selling out, but I think it’s a good way to spend a Sunday.”

But while Robert Plant and Alison Krauss must be thrilled at the new shot of publicity that their Grammy wins will have granted them, Page’s bandmates in Led Zeppelin are probably less happy about it. They’ve all spent the last year trying to convince Robert Plant to take Led Zeppelin on a lucrative world tour, but his commitments to his Krauss collaboration have stopped that from happening.

And now this is probably going to harden Robert Plant’s mind against the reunion even further. To think, he’d prefer to spend his days travelling around with a pretty and (comparatively) younger woman rather than standing on a cold stage shouting songs about goblins next to a man who looks like Jamie Oliver‘s grandmother night after night? Wonders will never crease.

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British people, it’s time to celebrate – the world’s smuggest, dreariest, most interminable music awards show likes our music!

Some of the nominations for next year’s Grammys have been announced, and British names like Robert Plant, Adele, Duffy, MIA and Radiohead are all over them. Now we’re not saying that this is because 2008 was a bad year for music, but Coldplay did get seven nominations, so we suppose in retrospect we are a bit.

And this is just the start – next year the rest of the Grammy nominations are announced, including Best Native American Music Album. Come on Coldplay! Make it eight!

You don’t need to be told that winning a Grammy is a sure sign that you’ve made it in the music industry, a sign up there alongside being chased through Japan by screaming schoolgirls and being forced to orally pleasure a sweaty middle-aged record executive for a contract.

So the Grammy nominations are a big deal. And when we say big, we mean big – so big that the actual task of even reading out all the nominees for all 110 categories has to be split up over two calender years because listening to them all in one go would probably inspire some kind of Jonestown-style mass suicide.

That’s why, yesterday, the Grammy nominations were announced, but only for the handful of categories that anyone actually cares about. And, although Lil’ Wayne led the pack with eight nominations and Jay-Z, Kanye West and Ne-Yo all managed to get six nods each, the list was surprisingly Brit-heavy.

Coldplay managed to score seven Grammy nominations, Radiohead got five, while Robert Plant was recognised for his album with Alison Krauss and comparatively new girls like Duffy, Leona Lewis, Adele and MIA all got nods too. But why so many British artists? Reuters thinks it knows why:

“They’re doing great work,” said producer Jimmy Jam, a top Grammy official. He suggested this year’s crop of British newcomers benefited from a “trickle down” from the likes of trouble-prone London neo-soul singer Amy Winehouse, who won the record, song and best new artist Grammys this year.

He’s right. After her slightly unbelievable Grammy wins last year, Amy Winehouse is still big news – but because she’s too busy trying to complete her transformation into Feeble Mumm-Ra at the moment, she’s not eligible for any awards.

In fact, it’s not hard to see that the British acts that were nominated for Grammys yesterday were only chosen because together they make a kind of composite Amy Winehouse – Leona Lewis has the broad appeal of Amy, Adele has the voice, Duffy has the vintage sound, MIA shares Amy’s love of multiculturalism, Radiohead have Amy Winehouse’s funny-looking eyes and Robert Plant has her genuinely awful hair. And what do Coldplay share with Amy Winehouse? The fact that if we hear either of their names spoken again today we’re going to hurl ourselves out of the arseing window.

But let’s not get too excited, Britain – these are just the Grammy nominations. Nobody’s guaranteed to win anything. Fingers crossed that Coldplay pick up a couple of trophies at least, though – because if their next album is going to be the ‘boo hoo Gwyneth Paltrow left me‘ album that everyone’s expecting, they probably shouldn’t worry about saving any more shelf-space.

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Personally Amy Winehouse has had a terrible 2007, but professionally? Professionally Amy Winehouse is the new Mary J Blige.

The nominations for next year's Grammy awards have just been announced and, while Kanye West just edges her for the top spot with eight nods, Amy Winehouse has score a very respectable six Grammy nominations. And what must be heartening for Amy Winehouse is that the competition is extraordinarily weak this year, especially in the Most Toothless, Most Bleary, Most Witchlike and Most Supposedly Aggressive Husband categories.

The Grammys are the highlight of every musician's calender. That's partly because there are roughly six trillion Grammy categories – so even Scooch will probably end up scoring one somewhere down the line – and partly because, well, who doesn't love five-hour smugathons made up of several toe-curl 'supergroup' jam sessions between two of Velvet Revolver and that whiny bloke from Creed?

And the nominations for next year's Grammy awards have just been announced. It's an important year for the Grammys, because it will be the 50th anniversary of the Grammys and therefore the 50th anniversary of a noticeably old millionaire plodding out on stage, launching into a burbling hour-long explanation about why home taping is killing music and then introducing Aerosmith.

So the organisers of the Grammys need to make sure that next year's show is the best yet. And Amy Winehouse is one of the leading nominees. Amy Winehouse. Best. Amy Winehouse. Best. We don't get it. Anyway, Amy Winehouse has been nominated for the album of the year, song of the year, record of the year and best new artist, along with two other nominations that won't count because they're probably for Best Dressed Assistant Sound Engineer or something.

It marks the end of an unusual year for Amy Winehouse, who's had to face near-death overdoses, fights, rehab, cancelled tours, jailed husbands and – perhaps most worryingly of all – friendships with Pete Doherty. We'd make a pithy comment about how awful it'd be to see Amy Winehouse perform at the Grammys, but actually we'd quite like to see her offer to punch in Eric Clapton's face. And so would you if you have any sense about you.

True, Amy Winehouse's tally of Grammy nominations was just topped by Kanye West, who got eight, but we all know what'll happen there anyway – Kanye West won't win anything and he'll spend the rest of his life bitching about it like a baby complaining that he got a yellow balloon and everyone else got a blue one. And plenty of other acts got Grammy nominations, too, but if we publish a list of all the nominations we'd be here until the Earth stops spinning. We're doing you a favour, really.

Actually, we'd like to retract that bit about Amy Winehouse being the new Mary J Blige if we can. It'd only take a couple of months of cold turkey for Amy Winehouse to become full of Blige's insufferable recovering-addict emotional diarrhoea. And, if anything, that'd make her worse than she is now.

Read more: 

West, Winehouse Top Grammy Nominations - CNN