It’s obvious! Jennifer Aniston is promoting a film that’s primarily aimed at children, so it’s obvious she’d end up naked on the front of GQ magazine. Really, this is just like when Jodie Foster got her bum out to promote Nim’s Island or when the entire cast of that Narnia film guest-edited that issue of Fat Filthy Knockers magazine.

But, of course, Jennifer Aniston isn’t just naked in GQ for her film – it’s also to show everyone that she’s happy. Happy! She’s happy, OK? HAPPY!

You know what’s old hat these days? Gratuitous celebrity nudity. These days, if a famous woman decides to get naked, it has to be for an important cause. That’s why Khloe Kardashian got naked yesterday, in an effort to raise awareness of the barbaric fur trade. And it’s also why Jennifer Aniston is naked on the cover of GQ magazine this month – because, um…

OK, look, we don’t know exactly why Jennifer Aniston is naked on the cover of GQ magazine this month, but she is, and we think it’s down to one of the following:

1 - To promote her new funny animal movie Marley And Me.

2 - To show the world that she’s completely comfortable with herself, especially after hours of expensive post-shoot digital manipulation.

3 - To show that bitch Angelina Jolie who’s the sexy one. Yeah, you see that, Angelina? You see these sexy naked tits? Yeah, this is why Brad Pitt married me and then, um, ran off with… oh. Nevermind.

4 – Because Jennifer Aniston clearly doesn’t think that the 18 hours of each day that she monopolises by jumping around screaming “Woo! Look at me! I’m Jennifer Aniston! I have a complex love life I’m just dying to tell you about!” in every single publication on the planet is enough.

So, yes, the sight of Jennifer Aniston naked on the cover of GQ might reek of desperation, but at least it stops her prattling on about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie like some sort of demented bellend. Doesn’t it?

“The funny thing is that people don’t realize we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends.” Really? “No. But can you imagine? That’d be hysterical. I’ve got Zahara on my hip, and Knox …”

Oh. It doesn’t.

But, still, it’s worked – the naked GQ cover has got Jennifer Aniston more publicity than she knows what to do with, and we’re sure this will be reflected in Marley And Me’s opening weekend box office, where it will no doubt break records in reaching the ‘lonely single man who enjoy masturbating to pictures of naked women doing weird squirrelly things with their arms’ demographic.

But don’t forget that there’s still a fortnight before Marley And Me is released, so this probably isn’t the last we’ll see of Jennifer Aniston. But what tricks could she possibly have left in her arsenal? After all, we’ve had the fake pregnancy trick, and the slagging off Angelina Jolie trick, and the desperate plea for babies trick, and now we’re already at the naked in a magazine trick. What could possibly be next?

Well, logic dictates that that if the pattern holds there’ll be a Jennifer Aniston sex tape out in the next few days. But just you cool your heels, Aniston fans – a Jennifer Aniston sex tape wouldn’t be nearly as good as you expect, because chances are it’d also star John Mayer and, you know, people only have a finite amount of vomit they can puke up before they start retching blood.

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But even though she’s easily caused enough teenage ejaculations to power a rocket trip to the moon, Megan Fox knows that her work is still not done. And that’s why Megan Fox has told GQ magazine that she once had a sizzling lesbian relationship with a female stripper from Russia called Nikita.

We can’t congratulate Megan Fox enough for telling us this. Honestly, with the world’s financial markets in meltdown and the worst recession for a century looming over us all, Megan Fox implying that she might have once rubbed her clodge against a stripper’s clodge has single-handedly resuscitated the ailing tissue industry. Megan, we salute you.

Megan Fox scares the life out of us, you know. She’s just a little bit too perfect, almost as if teams of international scientists have spent decades gently calibrating her sexiness with microchips and industrial sanders.

Firstly there’s that name – Megan Fox is the kind of name you give yourself after deciding that Slapper McFannytits doesn’t quite get the message across with enough punch. Then there’s the way she looks – Megan Fox is the FHM world’s sexiest woman, a title she snatched from previous winners like Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson and 2002’s surprise winner, a greased-up block of ham in a bikini and a sexy wig.

But most of all, though, we’re convinced that Megan Fox is a robot because she only ever talks about sex. Ever. Literally ever. Her factory setting appears to be a constant monologue about her own naked body, and we hear that rather than get her to memorise actual lines, Michael Bay just cut and pasted all of Megan Fox’s Transformers dialogue from a three-hour discussion about how perky and soft her boobs are.

All of that isn’t enough for Megan Fox, though. Which is presumably why she’s gallivanting all over the place telling everyone that she’s a bit of a lesbian and she once had a thing for an east European lady stripper. Megan told GQ:

“She was sort of a tough badass, but she’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads… I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.”

Wow, that is sexy. Usually when Megan Fox sees a sexy girl she tends to either want to snap a duck’s beak off with a clamp and a hammer or jump up and down on a binbag full of puppies, but strangling a mountain ox with her bare hands? That’s a brand new level of sexiness we didn’t even know existed.

Let’s hope that Megan Fox has now reached the outer limits of her sexy-talk now, though, because it’s going to be so hard for her to top a printed discussion about a lesbian infatuation with a female stripper. Well, unless that story about her having a greased-up 10-day orgy with the cast of Gossip Girl, three donkeys and midget dressed up as a clown on a yacht shaped like a labia moored off the coast of the Micronesian island of Tittyhooker gets out.

We just pray for the sake of mankind that it doesn’t.

Once any potential threat subsided we might become brave enough to ask her if we could please see the splinters in her knuckles that she's carried since the time she smashed her boyfriend's yacht to smithereens in less than ten punches.

We hear some of those splinters come together to form the image of Peppermint Patty playing tennis with several eight-armed holy people from Indian folklore. People might pay to see that Naomi!
Upon her death we really believe that splinter-hand should be severed, laminated, and displayed proudly in the Smithsonian – it sounds so beautiful! Despite her intrinsically flawed knuckles and the money they could bring in, Naomi Campbell can't be bothered with that kind of tripe right now. She's far too busy basking in the glow of having just interviewed Hugo Chavez, a guy who rules some country from the business end of a blackberry. We think it's Mexico.

Campbell has just interviewed the dictator, and she loved every minute of it. She got to touch his muscles, laugh about Fidel 'Estoy muy sick now' Castro, and perhaps they listened to a bit of Spice Girls.

That last paragraph, well it was all non-fiction if you can believe it. 

Naomi Campbell and Hugo Chavez have a lot in common. For instance sometimes Naomi Campbell hits maids in the face with cell phones, and sometimes Chavez's mom launders sheets at the Red Roof Inn. Also, both love interviews. In this case though, Campbell takes on the role of interviewer while Chavez just sits there looking pan-faced.

Her first time out with a pencil behind her ear Campbell sat directly across from Hugo, a man who came to our world on an asteroid in the mid-seventies when scientists didn't yet know they should check that kind of stuff out. And for the record Chavez seemed quite fine with a woman talking in his house, which is a tremendous step forward for the Foundation For Women Being Able To Speak Freely Inside Of Houses In Latin America. That's FFWBATSFIHILA for short – it was founded in England.  

Campbell was working on GQ's payroll, and her goal was as follows:

"I didn't want to judge Chavez, or probe him for his political views, even though he gave them freely. I simply went to interview Hugo Chavez the man."

Her interview of Hugo Chavez the man may have turned disappointing for Campbell when he would only answer her questions in between Wii tennis swings and bites from his foot-long triple stacked submarine sandwich. Our mom hates that too. The Chavez/Campbell conversation did take some fascinating turns though, turns like these ones – according to Metro:

"The famously outspoken leader declared George W Bush 'completely crazy', hailed Fidel Castro's fashion sense and said the Duchess of Cornwall was unattractive. Asked if he would like to go topless, like Russian president Vladimir Putin, the ex-parattrooper replied: 'Why not? Touch my muscles."

And touch his muscles she did, but not before he covered them in Vaseline to make the light reflect just so.

We think we heard that's true.

Read More:

Naomi Campbell's Interview With Hugo Chavez Talks Fashion, Politics – AHN