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GQ

Cock. Now, if you read that and thought it was a rude word, then you’re the kind of filthy pervert who sexualises everything because we were referring to a chicken. Yes, it says more about you than it says about us.

So if you’re the kind of person who likes to look at everything with pervy eyes, then you’ll fit in just swell with the folks of The Parents Television Council who can’t help but turn everything into one great big sexy sex-off.

They’re turning their mucky thoughts to GQ’s Glee cover, which they claim, is such a turn-on that they’re prepared to be indignant about it.

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Here’s some celebrity maths: Jennifer Aniston + family movie about an adorable dog = naked Jennifer Aniston.

It’s obvious! Jennifer Aniston is promoting a film that’s primarily aimed at children, so it’s obvious she’d end up naked on the front of GQ magazine. Really, this is just like when Jodie Foster got her bum out to promote Nim’s Island or when the entire cast of that Narnia film guest-edited that issue of Fat Filthy Knockers magazine.

But, of course, Jennifer Aniston isn’t just naked in GQ for her film – it’s also to show everyone that she’s happy. Happy! She’s happy, OK? HAPPY!

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Simon Davison/FlickrAs a terrifying sex cyborg sent back from the future to destroy mankind, Megan Fox knows exactly how much self-abuse she’s responsible for.

But even though she’s easily caused enough teenage ejaculations to power a rocket trip to the moon, Megan Fox knows that her work is still not done. And that’s why Megan Fox has told GQ magazine that she once had a sizzling lesbian relationship with a female stripper from Russia called Nikita.

We can’t congratulate Megan Fox enough for telling us this. Honestly, with the world’s financial markets in meltdown and the worst recession for a century looming over us all, Megan Fox implying that she might have once rubbed her clodge against a stripper’s clodge has single-handedly resuscitated the ailing tissue industry. Megan, we salute you.

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Naomi Campbell Hugo Chavez Interview GQIf we ever got real close to Naomi Campbell the first thing we'd do is squinch our eyes and brace for impact.

Once any potential threat subsided we might become brave enough to ask her if we could please see the splinters in her knuckles that she's carried since the time she smashed her boyfriend's yacht to smithereens in less than ten punches.

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If we ever got real close to Naomi Campbell the first thing we'd do is squinch our eyes and brace for impact. Once any potential threat subsided we might become brave enough to ask her if we could please see the splinters in her knuckles that she's carried since the time she smashed her boyfriend's yacht to smithereens in less than ten punches. We hear some of those splinters come together to form the image of Peppermint Patty playing tennis with several eight-armed holy people from Indian folklore. People might pay to see that Naomi! Upon her death we really believe that splinter-hand should be severed, laminated, and displayed proudly in the Smithsonian - it sounds so beautiful! Despite her intrinsically flawed knuckles and the money they could bring in, Naomi Campbell can't be bothered with that kind of tripe right now. She's far to busy basking in the glow of having just interviewed Hugo Chavez, a guy who rules some country from the business end of a blackberry. We think it's Mexico. Campbell has just interviewed the dictator, and she loved every minute of it. She got to touch his muscles, laugh about Fidel 'Estoy muy sick now' Castro, and perhaps they listened to a bit of Spice Girls. That last paragraph, well it was all non-fiction if you can believe it.