Mary Portas is widely renowned for having the poise and gait of a maimed Tyrannosaurus Rex and the retail miracle-worker has told Heat! magazine that she wants the opportunity to inject some sex appeal into David Cameron’s cabinet.

Without hecklerspray trying to force any political viewpoints down the throats of our readers, Tories are arseholes. That’s the traditional order of their political party. In order to make it, you either have to be a wretched, money-sucking scum-bucket or a super-intelligent shade of beige (see John Major) and there’s no place for any style, panache or even a hint of shagability.

That doesn’t mean that certain chinless morons who believe in fox hunting and using Britain’s poor as an underlay for their hall carpet wouldn’t strap one on and give big Dave Cameron a damned good rogering but on the whole, the British public isn’t supposed to want to have any kind of intercourse with their politicians.

Mary Portas, known as the Queen for Shops because that’s what a PR Company dubbed her is a woman who is so innately sexual that men fall at her feet, praying for one soft touch of her hand. Either that or she looks like Mick Jagger after expensive gene therapy and a cheap dye job. It’s not really our place to say.

Still, Portas knows what’s sexy. Speaking to a glossy magazine that wouldn’t even spit on hecklerspray if it was on fire, she said:

“If I were PM I’d bloody restyle all those women. I mean, the female Cabinet, what an ugly bunch.”

She knows what’s important, does the Queen of Shops. Let’s forget the double-dip recession and the corruption of the NHS. The women in the cabinet are mingers who need some attention from a make-up brush and her Over-40s range at House of Fraser. Oh, what? You thought she was just saying that to be funny? No, you berk.

She’s selling something.

The whole statement is a publicity stunt.

She’s in retail.

“Do you know, I could not look at them. I go in for meetings now and they do dress up for my meetings, but I just want to go, ‘Pleeease no, not that necklace, not that skirt’.”

Big Dave of Rogerington has given Portas the unenviable task of reviving the UK’s town centres and is due to report back with her ideas at the end of November. Perhaps she should suggest that if the cabinet was a bit sexier, people would be rushing down to H&M to get the latest Aztec-print dress. That’s bound to solve the country’s problems.

The idea of seeing Theresa May done up to the nines while espousing her policies on social reform which basically involves marginalising ethnic minorities and low-income families with the eventual intention of putting them to work for free (it’s not slave labour) is an appealing one. We can confirm that the British public would be a lot happier about having our rights and liberties taken away if it was done by some on-trend hotties.

As the President of the United States of America once said;

“You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

In the same style, hecklerspray says;

“You can put lipstick on Theresa May, but she’s still a narrow-minded cunt.”

Shallow publicity monster  Portas has visited a number of towns for the review, which will highlight what can be done by the Government, councils and businesses to boost high streets. We don’t know exactly how much she is being paid for this but you can rest assured that it will be at least double the amount that a low-income family earns in a year.

Perhaps society’s problems are the fault of Mary Portas?

You might say that, we couldn’t possibly comment.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.

Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.

Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.

According to the publishers of the book, Canongate, the slow sales have meant that despite all the media furore surrounding Assange and this unauthorised biography, the only people who have actually made any money out of it are Julian and his aforementioned, allegedly criminal, penis.

Assange and “little Julian” accepted an advance believed to be in the region of £250,000 from Canongate, which was then spunked away on lawyers to help ensure that Julian and his member were kept from being put behind bars in Sweden, following allegations of rape that were definitely part of one of those US conspiracies that sane and logical people always go on about at dinner parties or street corners, whilst wearing tin foil hats.

Rumours we just made up are abound that Canongate are in the process of asking best selling author Katie Price to knock up another draft whilst she’s between husbands, in the hope that maybe she would add some credibility and interest to the title.

Katie Price could not be reached for comment. Mainly because we can’t stand her.

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It appears as if 23-year-old, London born singer Adele has the Midas touch at the moment. Her album has been at number one for so long that it saw off both the end of the world and Cheryl Cole’s US X-Factor career. She’s performed at the Brits to universal acclaim and she’s captured the hearts and minds of both sides of the Atlantic.

But turning everything you touch to gold isn’t so great when the Tax man comes knocking it seems.

Adele has kicked up a right storm, after whining about the fact that she had to pay around £4,000,000 in tax after the runaway success of her debut album, 19, in formerly relevant music mag, Q. She said that:

“When I got my tax bill in from 19, I was ready to go and buy a gun and randomly open fire.”

Which is a lovely sentiment. Although the worrying thing is that, being from Tottenham, she could probably get her hands on a gun pretty quickly, if those bastards at Revenue and Customs didn’t keep taking all her money that is.

And what are Cameron and Clegg going to do with this massive windfall anyway, well, if you ask Adele, nothing that’s going to make her life any easier:

“I can’t use public transport any more. Trains are always late, most state schools are shit, and I’ve gotta give you, like, four million quid – are you having a laugh?”

Of course they aren’t having a laugh Adele. They’re the Government; they don’t know how to laugh.

£4,000,000 is a ludicrous amount of money for the UK Government to be demanding though, after all, how is Adele meant to dine on nothing but the finest beluga caviar or quaff the finest Champagne’s money can buy… or buy several million kebabs and a bottle of Lambrini from Abra Kebabra?

The answer is with the other £4,000,000 that was left untouched by HMRC.

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It’s well known that the film industry has been long running out of ideas. Searching for an original piece of work is as rare as finding something nutritious in a fast food joint. All we seem to get in the cinema are adaptations of books, remakes of classic pieces of films from the past, pointless sequels and making a mockery of Asian flicks with poor Western copies.

Has TV suffered a similar lapse in quality over the years? Broadcasters such as ITV can only really count X-Factor as the content people watch and the BBC still charge us a fortune so we can watch repeats of Dads Army.

Then of course there are reality shows where we see so called famous people skid on ice and getting bitten by jungle creatures. But do those shows really reflect modern life? After Channel 4 stopped flogging Big Brother, they’ve decided to focus on issues that are closer to home, such as drugs. All in the name of “science” we’ll get to see some people taking all sorts of substances.

No doubt the do-gooders of society will be flapping so hard about this programme that they’ll have to propel themselves into space. On the surface, it looks like a shock tactic by Channel 4 in order to hook viewers in and then force them to sit through adverts for Hollyoaks. But when you do analyse society as a whole, perhaps the intent of the programme isn’t really that bad. Not confined to the UK, but most city centres on a Friday or Saturday are full of pointless violence after big headed show-offs can’t handle their lager and lash out at anyone in their path.

We doubt that the set of this TV programme will resemble a zoo where a braying audience will stand around and watch a participant wander around an enclosure after taking a tab of LSD or a syringe full of heroin. Remember, this is all in the name of science and the show is looking at the viewpoint put forward by Professor David Nutt. He was the former UK drugs advisor to the government and was sacked after he suggested that drugs such as LSD and ecstasy were less harmful than alcohol.

More than likely, the government weren’t overly happy with one of its top advisors trying to pass legislation so drinkers could order a pint and a literal cocktail of drugs.

Science usually means that everything is done in a prim and proper way. Which is a shame really, as we’d have preferred to have seen willing volunteers of the drugs trial being hunted down and shot with darts containing the drugs. We’ve been informed that:

“The drugs will be taken in a clinical setting at a research laboratory and so it will not be illegal. Channel 4 says it will look at the different physical and psychological effects they cause.”

Defending the show before the protests started, the press release said the following:

“It’s a ‘radical’ new science series which would add to the ‘social policy’ debate around the harmful effects of drugs. But will also bring ‘mischief’ back to the channel.”

In the event of the show not going ahead due to stressed parents worrying that their teenage children will want a teaspoon, tinfoil and lighter as an early birthday present, Channel 4 can come round our bedsit. There’s always a crack addict or smack-fiend roughly twenty minutes away at any given time.

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You know Chinese Democracy? The just-released album by Guns N’ Roses that was titled to deliberately upset the Chinese government?

Well, you’ll never guess what it’s just done. A newspaper published by the Chinese government’s ruling Communist Party has got upset with the title Chinese Democracy, and accused Guns N’ Roses of ‘turning its spearpoint’ on China.

Not that the Chinese government has any real reason to worry about Guns N’ Roses’ spear – based on historical evidence we’d say that Axl Rose is going to spend the next 15 years polishing the spear to within an inch of its life, then get Shaquille O’Neal to do a rap about the spear, then build everybody’s expectations of the spear to the extent that it’ll be a horrible letdown to anyone who actually sees the spear. And then instead of stabbing anyone with it, he’ll just go and have a wank anyway.

Some said this day would never come – after a wait of approximately 350 years, more false starts than you could possibly count and the still-unexplainable employment of a man called Buckethead who always had a bucket on his head, Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses has finally been released, to the clear delight of the thirtysomething middle-management family men who made up the band’s angry young fanbase back when they were popular.

It’s been a labour of love for Axl Rose, a man who made it his own personal mission to create a semi-decent album that’s swaddled in so many overdubs, whooshy sound effects and random one-word dips into befuddling comedy Transylvanian accents that listening to it all the way through feels like scuba-diving through week-old trifle.

The weight of expectation around Chinese Democracy is so immense that it’ll never sell enough copies to justify the years and years of work ploughed into it. Unless, you know, the biggest country in the world is stupid enough to take the bait and get wound up about an album title that’s been common knowledge since the mid-1990s.

Which, hey, it has. AP reports:

In an article Monday headlined “American band releases album venomously attacking China,” the Global Times said unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to “grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn.” The album “turns its spear point on China,” the article said.

We can’t help feeling that China might be overreacting a little bit here. Look, something tells us that Axl Rose probably wouldn’t be able to grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn if he wanted to. It took the poor sod about 15 years to come up with an album that sounds like the mediocre soundtrack to a documentary about monster trucks, for crying out loud. The sun will have expanded and swallowed Earth up by the time Axl’s even decided with shoes he’d like to wear for grasping and controlling the world using democracy as a pawn.

But still, at least China has got all this anti-Guns N’ Roses sentiment out of its system now. And with that it can begin concentrating on something a bit more relevant, like the hints of racism in that Chinaman sketch by hot new up-and-coming comedian Benny Hill.

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