Mary Portas is widely renowned for having the poise and gait of a maimed Tyrannosaurus Rex and the retail miracle-worker has told Heat! magazine that she wants the opportunity to inject some sex appeal into David Cameron’s cabinet.
Without hecklerspray trying to force any political viewpoints down the throats of our readers, Tories are arseholes. That’s the traditional order of their political party. In order to make it, you either have to be a wretched, money-sucking scum-bucket or a super-intelligent shade of beige (see John Major) and there’s no place for any style, panache or even a hint of shagability.
That doesn’t mean that certain chinless morons who believe in fox hunting and using Britain’s poor as an underlay for their hall carpet wouldn’t strap one on and give big Dave Cameron a damned good rogering but on the whole, the British public isn’t supposed to want to have any kind of intercourse with their politicians.
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Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.
Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.
Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.
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It appears as if 23-year-old, London born singer Adele has the Midas touch at the moment. Her album has been at number one for so long that it saw off both the end of the world and Cheryl Cole’s US X-Factor career. She’s performed at the Brits to universal acclaim and she’s captured the hearts and minds of both sides of the Atlantic.
But turning everything you touch to gold isn’t so great when the Tax man comes knocking it seems.
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It’s well known that the film industry has been long running out of ideas. Searching for an original piece of work is as rare as finding something nutritious in a fast food joint. All we seem to get in the cinema are adaptations of books, remakes of classic pieces of films from the past, pointless sequels and making a mockery of Asian flicks with poor Western copies.
Has TV suffered a similar lapse in quality over the years? Broadcasters such as ITV can only really count X-Factor as the content people watch and the BBC still charge us a fortune so we can watch repeats of Dads Army.
Then of course there are reality shows where we see so called famous people skid on ice and getting bitten by jungle creatures. But do those shows really reflect modern life? After Channel 4 stopped flogging Big Brother, they’ve decided to focus on issues that are closer to home, such as drugs. All in the name of “science” we’ll get to see some people taking all sorts of substances.
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You know Chinese Democracy? The just-released album by Guns N’ Roses that was titled to deliberately upset the Chinese government?
Well, you’ll never guess what it’s just done. A newspaper published by the Chinese government’s ruling Communist Party has got upset with the title Chinese Democracy, and accused Guns N’ Roses of ‘turning its spearpoint’ on China.
Not that the Chinese government has any real reason to worry about Guns N’ Roses’ spear – based on historical evidence we’d say that Axl Rose is going to spend the next 15 years polishing the spear to within an inch of its life, then get Shaquille O’Neal to do a rap about the spear, then build everybody’s expectations of the spear to the extent that it’ll be a horrible letdown to anyone who actually sees the spear. And then instead of stabbing anyone with it, he’ll just go and have a wank anyway.
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