Gordon Ramsay has more nervous tics that One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. He twitches, jiggles and burps ‘Uh?’ while swearing like Tourette’s bus. Why no-one has certified this man mental is quite beyond us.

And we’ve not even looked at his weird, weird face. It looks like a cliff face that’s falling into tge sea.

With that, the fact he got get on fire, it’s hard to imagine that anyone actually noticed any difference from him. He looks weird, swears a lot and cooks flesh. If you were in the next room, you’d carry on doing your crossword wouldn’t you?

All this happened while Gordo was shooting a documentary in Costa Rica about the illegal shark fin industry.

It’s here that you assume that Ramsay nearly set himself on fire while cooking some hideously dull looking meal. You’d be wrong.

See, some fishmonger’s henchman attempted to set fire to him.

How great is that? Give that henchman a Bafta!

Not talking up the incident in any way, shape or form, Ramsay told Playboy magazine:

“That was a little bit hairy… The fishmongers have these armed guards patrolling fortress-like towers, so we tried to get in and ran into a guard.

“They poured petrol all over my hair and neck and tried to set us on fire.”

So there.

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If you were ever faced with the task of cooking wrinkle faced chef Gordon Ramsay a meal, you’d probably find that it wouldn’t be up to standard. Instead of constructive criticism, a fiery Ramsay would slam into the kitchen, take you by the scruff of the neck and threaten to hack your eyes out with bread knives.

All because the carrots and mashed potatoes were touching on the plate.

Whilst our speciality of microwaved noodles fails in comparison to Ramsay’s Michelin grub, the TV cook is actually better known for his filthy mouth and bad temper. Notoriety equals an easy payday for the ‘celeb in endorsing a product. This is presumably what the people at Gordon’s Gin thought would happen, especially when someone with the same forename is believed to be a lover of said product, but this lazy marketing ploy has backfired. Sales are down and Ramsay is off!

We’re used to seeing actresses and pop stars flogging us anti-ageing moisturiser with newly discovered ingredients such as Absalieboloxs that will counteract the ravages of time. Extracted from matured bat droppings, these lotions will then be snapped up as pointless people such as Paris Hilton who can then claim it made her feel so refreshed that she felt young enough to another sex tape.

But flogging alcohol with a famous person attached? It does seem a little odd, especially in a world when we’re continually told that young people are breaking their livers every weekend when venturing out into town. But then again, the people behind alcopops haven’t asked Kerry Katona to promote their bland tasting sugary drinks, so the nations press can’t take the moral high ground just yet.

Surely gin is seen as a classier drink, like what villains drink in films? Or to put in a real life context, an ingredient to put into a fancy sounding cocktail that give little change out of a £10 note.

Adverts for the Gordon’s had shown Ramsay standing infront of a white background while gin and lime wedges are poured on to his horribly craggy head. Either this is some sort of weird way of making a cocktail, or the reaction of a consumer who just had a mouthful of the stuff. We sincerely hope that Ramsay didn’t scoop up what was on the floor and use it in a recipe, health and safety worriers would go bananas.

A spokesperson from Gordon’s gin HQ slurred:

“Gordon just doesn’t cut the mustard anymore. He is not what the brand needs and they are looking for a new, more positive direction.”

If he has been suggesting a mustard flavoured gin, then that could be a justified reason to send him on his way. He isn’t the mad scientist of the food world, Heston Whatshisface owns the crown for combining roadkill and cake together for some sort of main course.

We don’t think that Gordon Ramsay will be without a sponsorship deal for long, it’s quite likely that an ironing company might take to the challenge of making the lines on his face disappear.

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Gordon Ramsay has a fascinating face. Even though he’s had botox injections to smooth it out, he still resembles a discarded scrotum from the Mount Rushmore project (he would have been Abe Lincoln’s balls for the record).

Not only does he look like a granite teste, but he’s also more irritating than a Jonas Brothers gig.

And so, take great joy in the knowledge that, while in Costa Rica, someone tried to shoot Gordon Ramsay’s face off.

So why was Gordon Ramsay in Costa Rica? Was he there to shout at small cafe owners until they actually placed their heads in their own ovens for a mass-suicide? Nope. He was trying to uncover the illicit trade in shark fins as part of Channel 4’s Big Fish Fight series.

Of course, shark fins are something that figure highly in all of our daily lives aren’t they? Only this morning, hecklerspray had shark fin flakes with Frosties and a shot of blended shark fin with our shark tears and milk combo.

Ramsay said:

“It is a multibillion dollar industry, completely unregulated. Uh? (YES CHEF!) We traced some of the biggest culprits to Costa Rica. Big boy. Uh? (YES CHEF) The day before we got there, a Taiwanese crew landed a haul of hammerhead sharks – uh? (YES CHEF) – police searched the boat and found bails of cocaine. *jigs up and down like he needs a piss*

“These gangs operate from places that are like forts, with barbed-wire perimeters and gun towers. At one, I managed to shake off the people who were keeping us away, ran up some stairs to a rooftop and looked down to see thousands and thousands of fins, drying on rooftops as far as the eye could see.”

Don’t care. Don’t even slightly care. When are you nearly getting shot?

“When I got back downstairs they tipped a barrel of petrol over me. Then these cars with blacked out windows suddenly appeared from nowhere, trying to block us in. We dived into the car and peeled off.”

They tipped petrol over you? Did they set it on fire?

“In a quiet moment I dived from the boat to swim with marlin. I swam under the keel and saw this sack tied to it. I opened it and it was full of shark fins. The minute I threw this bag on deck, everyone started screaming and shouting.

“Back at the wharf, there were people pointing rifles at us to stop us filming. A van pulled up and these seedy characters made us stand against the wall. The police came and advised us to leave the country. They said ‘if you set one foot in there, they’ll shoot you’.”

The crushing reality of this, is that this story is only going to make Ramsay feel more bloody worthy, making him reach critical mass of ego. We can only hope that, during 2011, he actually explodes during one of those awful live cookathons that he used to do.

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For years, the collective ‘we’ looked at Gordon Ramsay and wondered why he had all those oddball nervous tics. The “Yes chef?!”, the cutting motion he insisted on doing around his own throat, shouting “Uh?” and “Big Boy!” as punctuation and the weird little jiggling dance he does which makes him look like a toddler bursting for the toilet.

It’s obvious now that these things were the physical manifestations of his jangled nerves because he’s a famous person who is unable to deal with the stresses of having sex with someone who isn’t his wife. We’d better add ALLEGEDLY, eh?

And now, the woman who claims to have willingly taken Gordon Ramsay’s penis into her has sent a letter to Ramsay’s wife, Tana. Both of these things underline that she is quite clearly mental.

We’ve seen Ramsay on our screens, looking more browbeaten and wounded, which of course, is hilariously good fun to watch. After stomping about the place like the last Alpha Male on Earth, he’s now resembling something more akin to someone who has just been summoned to the headmaster’s office.

So while everyone in his family hates him, the woman who alleges she’s the chef’s former mistress has written an open letter to his wife Tana.

Quite why she’d choose to do this is baffling. Having read the thing (don’t worry, it is coming), it seems to be some kind of misguided sisterly solidarity. A bit like The Spice Girls shouting GIRL POWER! at Prince Charles.

Ramsay’s fall out with his wife Tana’s relatives created column inches last month when he sacked her father, Chris Hutcheson, from his post as CEO of Gordon Ramsay Holdings. He went about trying to patch things up by writing an open letter to his mother-in-law Greta in the press. Sadly, old Gordy criticised her in another tabloid.

Do you think he’s ever heard of sitting someone down and having a nice talk with them? Open letters in the press seem so needy and falsely grand.

Anyway, now Ramsay has got this open letter from serial mistress Sarah Symonds to contend with.

In the post on her blog, PillowTalk, Symonds writes:

“Dear Tana – Hand on heart, I write to you here today with all good intentions, because after reading – along with the rest of the world – all that is being said about you by Gordon, and by your father, I really feel for you.

“I mean, it can’t be easy for a woman like you to be perceived by both of them (Ramsay and Hutcheson) as SO weak, and so easy to manipulate… Tana, you are a successful woman, mother, and author, and represent what so many married women aspire to be. What they are saying is damaging and it’s unfair of them. After all, they are the ones with the secrets!

“I know full well what it is like to be manipulated by bullies and powerful men with huge egos Tana, and sadly your husband featured as one of them in my life for way too long…

“Anyhow, I am in your corner Tana as I certainly know how hard it is to discover that people you’ve loved and trusted are not who you thought they were at all. It is HEARTBREAKING. Trust me, I know that feeling. And, although I don’t know your mother from Adam, if she really did give you that advice about dumping Gordon, she kinda has my vote here I have to say….”

She’s really helpful isn’t she? If, by which you read ‘helpful’ as ‘a ghastly, needy, attention seeking shitbasket who is helping to stick further fingers in the already open wound of Tana Ramsay’.

Still, in the meantime, we can all laugh at Gordon Ramsay because he’s having a really horrible time of it. Consider this revenge for all those people you shouted at on television.

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Yup, that’s right everyone, advertisers have given up with the gentle approach of trying to get you to buy into their product.

Now it’s been decided that, at random intervals of the day, Gordon Ramsay will break through your front windows, shout abuse at you and make you drink over fifty gallons of milk to make up for the times you forgot over the course of your miserable life.

Of course, media bosses know this might generate a few complaints. So that’s why they’ve sent over the cute-as-a-button Pixie Lott to sing a nice song whilst Ramsay calls you an orange juice-sipping whore. Well that’s what we’d do. Instead, the big boss cows at the dairy want to continue with the milk moustache campaign. Simply freshening up their celebrity fodder, they ignored our awesome campaign idea.

In some religions, cows are as sacred as Jesus himself. Scratching our heads, we had to look a little bit deeper at this one. After all, cows can’t turn water into wine, nor can they feed loads of people with bugger all portions. They can’t talk, walk on water or work as carpenters on the weekend. So what’s all the fuss?

Well, after a bit of soul searching, we realised it’s all down to the milk. Think about it, a cow has four teats. A tug of one produces plain milk, a tickle of the next gives us strawberry, nudging the third offers banana flavour and rubbing the fourth? Sorry, we can’t describe the taste, but it resembles the taste of a BBQ which is perfect for vegetarians.

Not only do cows produce amazing flavours of milk, but hacking them open offers all sorts of treats to chomp and gorge on. From hamburgers, beef burgers, steaks and even double cheeseburgers with bacon, this animal really is something when it comes to providing food and drink. If there was ever a flood, we’d make sure two cows came with us in order for our survival to be guaranteed.

Getting people to drink milk might be a problem, though. After all, it doesn’t contain several spoonfuls of sugar. Children seem to go mental for that stuff; personally we blame Mary Poppins for that. Yes she seemed like a wonderfully merry housekeeper, but using sugar to make kids swallow medicine and other things? Let’s just blame her for childhood obesity. What about good old shouting and beatings? No? Alright then Pixie Lott, how will you get the kids drinking milk again?

“I love the long-running milk moustache campaign and am honoured to be a part of it.”

And we’re sure her pay cheque is being donated to charity. Elsewhere, fuckity shit swearing chef Gordon Ramsay added:

“There is a lot of love for milk in this country, but people often assume that it’s only good for kids who need a bit of calcium.”

What’s really needed is an immature campaign that targets teenage boys who don’t know any better. Telling them that milk produces sperm, aka their own man milk, is a certified winner. And for girls? Telling them they need to stockpile food in their lady boob areas for their offspring would probably work. After all, the amount of milk you drink as a child decides the size of their jumper lumps, fact.

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10 – Enjoyed yesterday’s Gordon Ramsay tribute? This one’s better, and more self-explanatory – Gordonramsayswearsatyou

9 - Beards = serious: an explanation – Dailyfill

8 - A list of celebrities with one testicle. Each. Not between them. That’d be weird – Asylum

7 – The best addition to any boxing match in the history of time - Withleather

6 – Movie merchandise that nobody wanted it. Included for The Flintstones alone - Toplessrobot

5 – Think all bankers are evil? Not this one. At this specific time, at least – ABC

4 - VOMITING BABY! - I Am Bored

3 - Want to pierce your own ears? OK! Also: WHY? – Instructables

2 - Seven things that will definitely happen at your graduation. Your graduation. Not ours. None of these things happened at our graduation – Holytaco

1 – Eating bananas through pantyhose and then spitting them out. The next big thing on the internet according to Urlesque…

10 - What’s that? You want a gif of Gordon Ramsay pawing a woman on the boob? - Kuonji

9 - A Russian girl with an AK-47. Not sexy – I Am Bored

8 - If Lost characters told the truth. Splendid – Cracked

7 - The best page on Amazon. Fact – Amazon

6 - Female? Like chocolate? Moronically susceptible to marketing? Then you’ll love this – NPR

5 - Just in case you were planning on getting any sleep tonight, here’s a news story with the headline ‘Daddy Ate My Eyes’ – Kget

4 - If Mike Tyson made motivational posters – Sploshspot

3 – Ryan Reynolds in ‘does something almost watchable’ shock – Funnyordie

2 - Most of the funny parts from 30 Rock, all on one page – Unlikelywords

1 – This is wonderful. Guess the song before the halfway point, please…

Until now, Gordon Ramsay’s biggest achievement was that he’d become famous despite looking like a pensioner’s ballbag.

But not any more – Gordon Ramsay has now eclipsed any celebrity or culinary fame he’d gained by becoming the swearingest man in British TV history. On Channel Four’s Ramsay’s Great British Nightmare on Friday, Gordon Ramsay managed to cram 132 uses of the F-word into a two-hour show, whipping up a flurry of outrage in the process.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the world’s bear population responded to the news of Gordon Ramsay’s swearing by running off to have a quick dump in the woods.

Without a doubt, Channel Four’s Great British Food Fight season has been the best thing on television so far this year. It basically distilled the essence of the country’s four best-known celebrity chefs down to their core characteristics – you got to see Heston Blumenthal being a boggle-eyed madman, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall weeping because Tesco sells chicken rather than organically-reared stinging nettles that have been steeped in goat urine for a week, and Jamie Oliver urging us all to only eat pigs that wore top hats and knew how to speak Latin when they were alive.

But best of all, you got to see Gordon Ramsay relentlessly swearing like a docker with a stubbed toe. Gordon Ramsay’s show was entitled Ramsay’s Great British Nightmare, which saw him trying to save the nation’s recession-hit restaurant industry by going into some restaurants, screaming a torrent of obscenities at all the waitresses and pretending that all the food was actually so disgusting that he’d end up dead if he even so much as put his face near it.

Which, on reflection, probably isn’t the cleverest way to get people to start going to restaurants again – it couldn’t have been more depressing if the entire show consisted of one slow-motion clip of a dirty chef shitting into a sandwich to the music from the end of Funny Games – but that’s not what made people angry.

No, what made people angry is the fact that Gordon Ramsay literally couldn’t stop swearing during the show. Literally. In the two hours of Ramsay’s Great British Nightmare, Gordon Ramsay and his guests managed to blurt out one swearword every 20 seconds and, as the News Of The World reports, it’s caused all kinds of huff-faced TV watchdogs to fall the ground clutching their ears:

Channel 4 had 49 complaints but is braced for more. Watchdog Mediawatch UK yesterday urged the government to withdraw the channel’s public funding. Boss director John Beyer said: “Gordon doesn’t need to swear. There’s so much public concern about swearing on TV.” Channel 4 defended Gordon. A spokesman said: “It was after the watershed. The swearing is a expression of Gordon’s passion.”

Look, we don’t know what all the fuss is about. Of course Gordon Ramsay swears a lot – the man looks like a weather-beaten animal bladder, for God’s sake – he’s bound to be angry. And remember – the less Gordon Ramsay swears on his Nightmares shows, the more time he’ll have to fill with those braindead over-literal team-building demonstrations he’s so inexplicably fond of. And we’d much rather watch Gordon Ramsay swear a bit than take part in a bullshit self-help session in a boxing ring with a crying chef whose daddy never hugged him.

Besides, as Channel 4 said, swearing is just an expression of Gordon Ramsay’s passion. And, since the alternative way for Gordon Ramsay to express his passion allegedly involves him getting shitfaced on poppers and having extramarital sex with a woman who looks like a melting waxwork of Peaches Geldof, we can probably all agree that the thought of him swearing is less likely to mentally scar us into permanent impotence. As you were, Gordon.

Read more:

Effing Record - News Of The World

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As everyone knows, catching a puffin with a net, pulling its still-warm heart of of its body and eating it is one of the most erotic things a person can do.

Just look at Gordon Ramsay. Not so long ago Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart on his TV show The F Word just to show what a triumphant lord of sex he really is. But, would you believe it, 42 people found the sight of Gordon Ramsay chewing on the just-dead heart of a beloved seabird offensive enough to complain about.

Fortunately, though, Ofcom has decided that Gordon Ramsay didn’t break any rules and is free to film himself gorging on raw blood-splattered puffin organs as much as he likes. That’s lucky for Gordon Ramsay, because it’s easy food for him – every year millions of migrating puffins have found welcome shelter from bad weather within the deep crevices of his angry face.

If the wooly-minded liberals in charge of this country had their way, we’d never be allowed to chase after animals with a net and then eat out their hearts as soon as we’ve caught them. Imagine a Britain where you couldn’t catch a rat and eat its heart. Or a dog. Or a monkey. Or a lollipop lady. It’s political correctness gone mad.

But one person who doesn’t give a hoot about political correctness is Gordon Ramsay. He doesn’t care who he offends - Paul McCartney, people who don’t like the idea of eating horses, anyone not completely into the sight of a furious cook constantly going “Uh? Yes? Uh? Yes? Uh?” like a tramp trying to bum his own reflection – because he’s Gordon bloody Ramsay. Yes?

Why doesn’t Gordon Ramsay care who he offends? Because he’s overcompensating wildly for having a traditionally female job? Well, yes, but also… no, actually that’s it. That’s the only reason.

But thank God for that, otherwise Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t have gone on The F-Word a few weeks ago and eaten the heart right out of a puffin he’d just caught in a net.

If you missed it, it was a brilliant piece of television. So long as your definition of ‘brilliant’ is ‘slightly gruesome and deliberately, tediously controversial’, that is. In the end, 42 people complained about Gordon’s heart-eating antics, but more fool them because Ofcom has told Gordon Ramsay that he didn’t do anything wrong. BBC News reports:

The regulator said the sequence was not in breach as it occurred in Iceland, where the puffin forms a popular part of the national diet. It also noted the birds were killed in a humane way with minimal suffering. Viewers had complained that the practice of killing puffins was cruel, the local tradition of eating their fresh hearts was offensive, and that, whilst not protected, puffins were a species under threat.

Yeah, under threat because they’re so bloody delicious.

Look, to be honest we can see everyone’s side of the argument. The viewers complained because Gordon Ramsay ate the heart out of an animal that’s under threat, and Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart because he’s an attention-seeking bellend who’d eat his own mother’s tits off if it got him a couple of decent headlines. So we’ve come to the only logical conclusion.

Battery-reared puffins. It’s obvious. Get 500,000 puffins, squish them into a shed the size of a bedside cabinet, pull their beaks off, never let them see daylight and there isn’t a problem any more. The puffins are no longer under threat, Gordon Ramsay gets to eat as many puffin hearts as he likes and Jamie Oliver has something new to bitch about on the telly. Everyone’s happy.

Paul McCartney, the former Beatle who looks most like your nan, usually only likes to fight people with fewer legs than him.

But now the gloves have come off, because Paul McCartney has just squared up to testicle-faced TV chef Gordon Ramsay in a magazine over a comment the chef made about wanting to electrocute some vegetarians. It’s literally the most dramatic fight between two funny-looking millionaires about vegetables that Sainsbury’s Magazine has ever seen.

But who to side for? On one hand Paul McCartney was in the most famous band of all time and wrote Yesterday and Hey Jude, and on the other Gordon Ramsay can cook dinner quite well. Oh, this is a right bloody dilemma.

Gordon Ramsay is known for a handful of things. Firstly he’s single-handedly changed the way that British cooking is seen around the world. Secondly he’s got a bit of a dirty mouth and a freakishly monomaniacal fixation on his own droopy manboobs.

Thirdly, Gordon Ramsay hates vegetarians. He hates vegetarians so much that on the last series of The F Word he spent an entire season rearing two veal calves – the cruelest meat of them all, remember – only to shove slices of their dead bodies into the terrified mouths of 50 vegetarians on the final episode to prove his superiority over them, presumably because nobody would let him swagger around slapping everyone in the chops with his willy instead.

How much does Gordon Ramsay hate vegetarians? Let’s put it in Gordon Ramsay’s own words:

“My biggest nightmare would be if the kids ever came up to me and said “Dad, I’m a vegetarian”. Then I would sit them on the fence and electrocute them.”

And this hatred of the poor protein-strapped vegetarians has struck a nerve with Paul McCartney. He’s been a staunch vegetarian for 30 years because he once saw a fish that looked a bit sad or something. And when he hears Gordon Ramsay trash-talk his feeble brethren like that, there’s only one thing he can do about it.

And that’s trash-talk back. In Sainsbury’s Magazine. At a time that coincidentally happens to be right before he relaunches the Linda McCartney range of vegetarian sausages. The man clearly means business. Here’s what Paul McCartney said:

“I think it’s a case of live and let live. I will talk to people about the advantages of vegetarianism, and it will upset me if we’ve had a good conversation and they turn around and say something stupid. I just read a quote from Gordon Ramsay… ‘If my daughter ever grew up and married a vegetarian, I’d never forgive her.’ But even that I would forgive because it’s not my affair, it’s not up to me if he talks stupid or not.”

Yeah! That’s, um, mildly giving it to him! You’ll politely show Gordon Ramsay that you, um, considered his views in depth before coming to a differing viewpoint! Grrr!

Anyway, this Paul McCartney/ Gordon Ramsay face-off looks set to rage on for ages, or at least until everyone gets a bit bored of it and finds something else to entertain themselves with. So probably a couple of minutes or so, in truthfulness.

Really, though, Gordon Ramsay got off lightly. Paul McCartney isn’t a man you want to cross. At least not when you’re anywhere near the wine glass cupboard, anyway. Allegedly.

Folded = , Creased =  

Folded:

• Private Eye magazine (like a more political hecklerspray. We might even liken it to inspiration)

• The Ninth Gate (released in 1999, stars Johnny Depp, was on Five a couple of weeks ago. A real growing cult of a movie; two-hours plus of silly devil-worshipping tripe that you cannot stop talking about afterwards

• Payback: Straight Up – The Director's Cut on DVD (more stone cold Gibbo in this lean little underrated revenge flick from 1999)

• Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (still totally entertaining. Would be even better if that ‘literal illustration team-building’ bit in the middle got lost in the cutting room)

• Mobay coconut cream liqueur (currently discontinued in Tesco and being flogged off for less than £5 a bottle. Really rich and sickly at this cold time of year)

            
Creased:

• Guy Fawkes Night madness (haven’t seen so many council estate gypos crowding into a supermarket to buy incendiary devices since George Bush was re-elected)

• The cynical return of Cadbury’s Wispa (yep, totally forgotten about all that Salmonella-in-the-Dairy Milk stuff now)

• Moany northerners ("I hate London" this or "London caused Foot and Mouth" that. Just cheer up and stop complaining you’re all poor)

• Amy Winehouse/Mark Ronson’s cover of Valerie (so overplayed it has burrowed deeper into your brain than that latent tumour you’ve been so worried about)

• Elizabeth: The Golden Age (as silly as they come and flat-out boring in places)